More Than Nothing - 3. Saving Face

Jasper stands outside Beth’s house. His hands are shaking as he lifts one to knock. He knew this would be a surprise visit, but since he’s rarely available, hopefully Beth would jump at the opportunity.

The door opens and it’s Beth’s dad. “Jasper! Great to see you here. Elizabeth should be home shortly. Come on in.”

Despite the excited greeting, Jasper is less than keen to actually step inside. But he takes a deep breath and enters. The living room is quiet, when he and his soon-to-be father-in-law sit opposite each other. Jasper can’t believe he’s even doing this, but given the opportunity is right before him, he swallows down the list of reasons this is a terrible idea, and opens his mouth.

“I want to ask for her hand in marriage,” he blurts out, not even finished saying it before his mouth is painfully dry.

Beth’s dad is stunned but a smile quickly covers his face once more. “How marvelous. We have been wondering when you’d be ready. Can I see the ring?”

It’s shamefully simple, but Jasper is hoping it’s enough. He’d expected more but apparently being a sold-out act across the country isn’t as financially viable as he thought. Still, it’s a delicate gold band with a stunning diamond embedded in it. He could describe it as ‘modest’ rather than cheap, but if Beth’s reaction is anything like her dad’s, he won’t have to explain why it’s less than what she deserves.

This entire relationship is less than what she deserves, since the deciding factor pushing him to propose is the fact he’s becoming desperate to know whether he’s going to develop sexual desire for her once they are married, or if it’s all been a waste of both of their time. He’s praying, literally, that he’ll be so overcome with adoration for his beautiful, loving wife, that he’ll want to make love to her every spare moment they can find.

He has no back-up plan for if the wedding night ends in disappointment.

Beth doesn’t look as thrilled to see Jasper as he hoped she’d be. Still, she hurries to get changed and ready for a surprise date.

The ring in his pocket is making him painfully aware of how much he’s forcing this. It's like a weight is set in his heart. He’s not excited to propose. Spending the rest of his life on a ‘maybe I’ll like her that way’. But he’s admitted his proposal idea to her dad, so he can’t back out now.

They take a walk through Beth’s favorite park, one they’d come to a few times over the years. This time, however, Jasper is anxiously aware of the setting sun. He’s a pretty terrible boyfriend, but he does know Beth finds sunsets romantic. And he at least owes her that much. A romantic proposal before a lifetime of a marriage that Jasper is already sure won't last.

As they stop beside a pond, Jasper glances up at the sky, checking that it’s the right moment, then he turns to meet Beth’s impassive expression.

“Jasper,” Beth pauses, biting her lip. “I think we should break-up.”

**** 

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Ryan has been mentally insulting himself every few minutes of the walk home from the club. He knew this would happen. That feelings would get involved if he didn’t keep this purely professional. All he had to do was not fall in love with Damien during the 8 hours they had to be around each other for work. But he hasn’t been able to make through a single shift without feeling some kind of spark. No matter what, Damien just has a habit of getting into his head.

And he is fun. He’s always so unpredictable, and willing to get into trouble at work by pushing the boundaries. When someone you had a relationship with doesn’t stop flirting and finding excuses to touch you constantly it doesn’t take much for your brain to tell you how much you miss every smile, touch and compliment.

Besides, it’s hard not to find him interesting when everyone else does. Damien demands to be seen and chased. That’s his entire thing at the bar. Teasing men that want him. Ryan knew this act. He'd fallen for it before, and he was falling for it again right now.

The last thing Ryan had expected was to catch Damien with his hand down another guy's pants in corner of the club after closing time. They must have thought everyone left, which makes this Ryan’s fault for also hoping to spend time with Damien’s hand down his pants after work tonight. He’d been horny enough to stick around, and stupid enough to feel a lump of hurt form in his throat. This is who Damien is, and Ryan let that break him again.

And this time he can't even blame the drugs. This was all him. His stupid hopes. His stupid, stupid want. He had learned nothing. Damien doesn’t lie to him nearly as much as his own heart does, because Damien’s not the one who’s promised him he’d change. It’s Ryan’s heart that gave him the idea this wouldn’t end in the soul crushing devastation of knowing Damien will always have other lovers.

He’s almost able to convince himself it’s Damien’s loss, because tonight he was considering being less spiteful and reciprocating the pleasure. But that would make no difference to Damien. It’d just be Ryan instead of whoever he was enjoying his voyeuristic little hook-up with.

Stupid.

****

Jasper sits down, feeling dizzy.

“I’m sorry. I just don’t feel like we’re a couple anyway. You really don’t act like you want me in your life, Jasper. And I want more than this.” Beth sits beside him.

Now this seems even more pathetically desperate, but Jasper takes the ring box from his pocket. He flicks it open and gives a shrug. “Breaking up isn't exactly what I have in mind.”

“Oh my god!” Beth gasps, staring at the ring. “Jasper, it’s gorgeous.

“Like the girl I intended on asking.”

“Is this real though? You really want to marry me?” Beth asks.

“Yes.” Jasper answers, though now more unsure than ever.

Beth wraps her arms around him, soft tears form and fall from her eyes. “Yes, Jasper. I’ll marry you. Yes!”

This should be it. This should be one of those moments where he’s overcome with joy. With love and excitement. But there’s nothing. Just an empty pit forming in his stomach. This shouldn’t feel so forced. And feeling this forced now, doesn’t bode well for his plans to marry her in the hopes she’ll replace the man he’s having heated dreams about. What if it gets to their wedding night and he has to force himself to go through with it? What if he can’t?

**** 

The only thing more stupid then letting himself get jealous about seeing Damien hooking-up with someone, is spending the entire next night trying to get his attention while wanting to look like he doesn’t want it. Working the bar with Damien is absolute torture, but there are few glimpses where everything seems so normal Ryan could almost forget how toxic they are together. When Damien’s hand brushes Ryan’s back every time he passes him in the bar it sends a sweet sensation all through Ryan’s body. The ache for that gentle human contact. Ryan is getting absolutely desperate for affection. For love. He wants it so badly he’s starting to imagine it like last time.

It’s late in the shift when they pass each other in the hallway.

“What are you doing after work?” Damien asks with his recognizable tone of anticipation.

“I don’t know.” Ryan replies, wishing he had something better to say. Anything to keep Damien from thinking he’s got a chance at hooking up with him.

“Well, if you want...”

“I saw you the other night. With another guy.” Ryan states with frustration clear in his tone. “I saw you. And tonight, you just treat me like you want me and I can’t... You mess with my head so much, Damien. Why is it always a game to you? I never wanted anything but your time. Your love. And you couldn’t even give me that...”

“I told you I loved you, and then you disappeared. I was giving you what you wanted.” Damien argues, looking hurt, not that Ryan believes it for a second. “You are not the one who got their heart broken, Ryan. Stop acting like...”

“Fuck you, Damien.” Ryan snaps, turning and storming away. He can feel himself losing it. Losing all the strength he’s tried to work on building.

“Well maybe if you did more of that, things wouldn’t have ended the way they did. You were the one being distant. I tried.” Damien shouts. Each word feels like an oddly effective stab of a knife, severing each and every string Damien had ever been able to pull of Ryan’s heart. He turns to Damien with a calm and controlled expression.

“You seem to get enough without me. My biggest regret is wasting my first time with you. I wouldn’t waste a second time.”

**** 

Jasper has never felt like this before. He’s sick, and not just because he and Blake have been out having celebratory drinks while Blake’s been jokingly giving him the sex talk. The sick feeling started the second he caught the happiness in Beth's tone when she announced they were engaged.

There’s no date set for the wedding but already he feels trapped by his choice. Already he wants to call it off. He’s becoming more and more certain that this will end in mutual heartbreak and tears. He’s starting to seriously doubt he has it in him to confidently lie his way through an engagement and marriage the way he did through dating. He’s spent months avoiding Beth just because he doesn’t want to fake his interest when she kisses him goodnight. Getting married would mean having to fake everything to her face constantly.

As the night goes on, Blake is getting well and truly shitfaced and some comments start to really reach into Jasper’s heart.

“Y’know, Beth’s fucking gorgeous. You’ve hit the jackpot with her. You’re so fuckin’ lucky.” Blake slurs. Reminding Jasper that he’s supposed to be thrilled and excited by her looks. She’s gorgeous. Jasper can acknowledge that. He’s always found her gorgeous. But this doesn’t feel like luck, or a jackpot. This feels like fraud of the cruelest kind.

“I’m gonna be hoping for some ‘Freaky Friday’ body swap shit on your wedding day, dude. I’d kill to be you.”

“You can kill me now.” Jasper mutters under his breath. The alcohol and confusion keep offering him dumb ideas like going to that bar over town and telling the random guy behind the bar he can't stop thinking about, that he and his stupid glittery abs have ruined his life.

“You’re living the dream, dude.” Blake claps Jasper on the back, but it doesn’t feel friendly. It’s pure resentment.

If only Blake knew what Jasper’s dreams had been lately. He’d understand how marrying Beth is far from it. Jasper wasn’t living his dreams. He was living someone else’s. In this case, it was his best friend’s. It was Beth’s. It was his parents and her parents. Everyone but him.

The thought leads to more drinks. Which leads to more self-loathing. Which leads to the place that made him first truly question what he really wanted.

It’s 2.45 in the morning and he’s part of the final group through the door before lock-out. The worst thing is, this place has a way of making him wish he could be invisible. The fear of being seen ripples through him as he tries to blend in with everyone he wishes he could be.

At the bar, the glittery abs man is glittering only with sweat tonight. Around his neck is a black bowtie. Jasper is dying to know what’s below his waist, hidden behind the bar. Last time Jasper had been here, this man had been smiling and flirting, but tonight he seems devoid of any emotion. Robotically making drinks and taking money as Jasper watches, drunkenly fixated on him. His thoughts moving but his body frozen. Finally he manages to stumble, but in the direction of the toilets. His stomach is lurching and dignity has abandoned him as he drops before a toilet and starts vomiting. Tears stream down his face, not at the sting in his throat, but at the dread in his chest. He feels like he’s betrayed his wife already and they aren’t even married. He hasn’t even done anything. He’s just here. In a bar he shouldn’t be in, looking at people he shouldn’t look at and having thoughts he’d go to hell for.

He loses time on the bathroom floor and wakes up to a security guard shaking his shoulder. “There’s an ambulance coming, can you tell me your name?” the man asks gently. Something inside Jasper manages to shut out all the effects of the alcohol and leave him feeling painfully sober. He stands up so fast it confuses the guard, giving Jasper a chance to run. There’s no way he’s going to get in the back of an ambulance here. He’d risked enough just coming here a third time. If the media had photos of him being pushed into an ambulance outside The Grind he’d be clutching at straws for any kind of plausible deniability for his reason to be here. Especially in the early hours of the morning after he proposed to Beth.

If he ever faced this truth slowly unlocking within him, it’d be on his terms. But he’s mortified when he runs from the bathroom, intending to get lost among the people, only to find the bar is practically empty. There’s abs man walking towards the front door with his head down, wearing black suit pants and a loose grey sweater, the hood pulled over his head.

“Don’t even bother, Damien,” he mutters as he passes Jasper, not even glancing at him. Jasper's not thinking enough to consider any options, but as he catches a glimpse of another blond man heading towards them in black skinny jeans and white low cut V shirt, similarly dressed to Jasper tonight, the exit plan comes together in his head. He loops his arm around the man ruining his life.

Jasper keeps his head down and says, "please sneak me out of here.”