More Than Nothing - 2. Same Old Lies

Ryan's been back at work barely a month, and he's already back doing gigs on the second floor. There was a time when he'd been thrilled to be given this position, but something felt off about it now. After only a few hours having people shout objectifying things about his body, and the wandering hands touching him wherever they could, he feels drained. His dance moves aren’t as smooth, because for every single unsolicited stroke of strangers' fingers over his skin, he’s re-living memories of Damien’s hands on him. How Damien had been such a stranger to him too, because no one he truly knew could deceive him that much.

Ryan heads out the back, throwing a towel around his neck and drying the sweat from his face. This entire night is feeling like one big trigger. He washes his face, trying to calm his thoughts in the staff room.

“You okay?” The concern sounds real, but the voice is full of lies. Ryan can’t help but laugh as he shakes his head. “Ryan, what’s going on with you?” Damien asks, running his fingers through Ryan’s hair like he’s trying to style it using sweat for hair gel.

“What’s going on with me, really?” Ryan swats Damien’s hands away, getting up from the table and turning to meet Damien’s confused gaze. All the hate in the world is stuck in Ryan’s throat, but the words won’t budge higher, stopped by the sight of the frown on Damien’s face. He concedes a sigh and shakes his head. “Do you have anything? To take the edge off?” Ryan asks, his voice low and full of shame as he crosses his arms.

Damien’s lips quirk into a smile as he wanders to his locker, opening it and pulling out a container marked ‘Multi-Vitamins’, one tip of the container to his palm, and the irony is evident. Damien seems to know the many tablets, but to Ryan, the mix looks disastrous.

“How much ‘edge’ are you feeling?” Damien asks.

“I just want to get through the next 6 hours without thinking.” Ryan states, holding his hand out as Damien holds up a little white tablet. “Have I had this before?”

“Yes.” Damien says, then pulls back his hand as Ryan reaches for it. “Are you paying me?”

Ryan scoffs. “How much?”

“A kiss.” Damien’s eyes hold his, and he slowly opens his mouth, placing the tablet on his tongue, waiting expectantly. Annoyingly torn between wanting the effects of the drug, and not wanting to tempt himself with Damien, Ryan turns away, almost making it out the door before glancing back over his shoulder. Damien, clearly confident Ryan will give in, stands still, tongue still out with the tempting pill on the end of it.

**** 

“Seriously?” Jasper groans.

“I’m just saying, if she wanted to, would you say yes?”

“Blake, what part of ‘saving it until marriage’ are you not understanding?”

“Maybe the part where you’re not rushing to the altar. Dude, how do you not feel like your balls are going to explode?”

“I don’t know. I’m just not one big sex hormone in a human trench coat.” Jasper replies and Blake’s mortified laugher makes Jasper laugh, too.

“I’ve gotta go.” Jasper says when he composes himself again, taking a look in the mirror and making sure he looks presentable.

“Have a good night, dude. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Blake winks, following Jasper out of his room.

“Other than leaving a beautiful girl’s house without touching her?”

Blake groans like it’s the highest torture he can imagine. “Surely you can at least get to third base when you propose.”

“Bye Blake.” Jasper calls out before closing the door and heading out of the apartment. He’d been avoiding visiting Beth for a while now. Since his birthday, actually. For one, because dinner with her parents always feels suffocating. And secondly, because seeing her feels weird after having confusing dreams about a bartender, he can somehow picture perfectly in his subconscious. He’s not heading to Beth’s to lock in some kind of future wedding, but he’s actually really excited to kiss her. He’s hoping something has changed due to the time it’s been. That maybe he’ll have missed her enough to feel the explosion of desire he’s been dragging himself through this relationship without.

**** 

Dinner with Beth’s family is just as energy draining as Jasper remembers. She’s beautiful as always, dressed in a modest, cute button up polka dot dress. Her slick black hair let down, as it so rarely gets to bed. The cross chain that hangs around her neck, a birthday present Jasper had bought her for her 20th. The chain was anyway, her old necklace had been broken while they were in a competitive K-pop dance off and Jasper had taken her into the nearest cheap jewelry store and bought the replacement before her parents could find out. He’d loved her then. Or at least he’d been saying it.

After a few painful hours trying to hold up this façade that he’s the perfect son-in-law to Beth’s parents, they are finally at the part of the evening Jasper enjoys the most. The kiss goodbye before he leaves. If he was a normal boyfriend, he’d look forward to this for the kiss, and not the leaving.

“So, you guys are going on tour again soon, right?” Beth asks, holding Jasper’s hand in her soft hands.

“Yeah. It’s only a mini tour, though, so it’ll only be a few weeks.” Jasper shrugs.

“Are you going to see me again before then?” Beth asks.

“Of course.”

She fakes a smile. “You always say that and then you ignore my texts and calls and I don’t see you for weeks.”

Jasper’s not enough of a closed off jack-ass that he can’t see he’s causing her pain. “Sorry.”

“I love you.” Beth says in a sad voice.

Jasper nods. This is his big moment. This is when the feelings should be flowing. This is when he feels the most empty. “I love you too.” He says, with the practiced tone of a convincing lie. Then he seals it with a kiss. The soft touch of their lips that sparks nothing but disappointment. He’s glad he’s only permitted a brief kiss, because everything inside him feels like it’s giving up.

“Goodnight.” Beth’s smile shows something Jasper wished he felt right now. Genuine love.

“Night.” Jasper kisses the back of her hand, then waves as he heads back down the footpath to the waiting Uber.

**** 

Ryan’s brain is a swirling mess of thumping music and wild peace. He’s floating through each dance step, skin void of sensation as hands glide over him without his awareness. He’s had this before. He can recognize the feeling of being fully lucid in a fantasy. Awake, but dreaming.

He could do this forever, but the music always seems to end right when he’s feeling his most at one with it. The drunken ‘woo’ that bounces off every wall, landing heavily in his heart, keeps the smile plastered to his face. Nobody in this room cares who he is. What he’s struggled with and where his mind backs him into in the early hours of every night. Nobody knows about the nights he wakes up sweating and unable to catch his breath. Or the nights when Damien’s face invades his every dream, tricking him into thinking he misses him. That maybe he’s the one that overreacted.

He knows he overreacted, but that’s because Damien truly did break him beyond the capability of rational thought. But Damien and rational thought rarely coincide. Ryan should have known that. It’s not like there were no warning signs.

The entire relationship had been warning signs.

Yet, right now, Ryan is feeling carefree enough to put it all behind him. In fact, he’s carefree and horny. It’d been a while since he’s felt horny. He’s had little to no desire for any sexual intimacy since things fell apart with Damien. But he’s just mentally empty enough to enjoy the thought of a hook-up.

Ryan’s footsteps as he heads downstairs to see Damien at the bar are bouncy and full of energy. He strides over, his attention locked on his ex who looks better than he should right now. Damien glances over at Ryan and ignores his customers.

“You having a good night?” Damien asks, leaning on the counter with a mischievous grin.

As though somewhere deeply buried under the effects of the drug is still fighting all the urges, Ryan finds himself bitterly asking for water instead of asking Damien if he wants to sneak out back for old time’s sake.

From the corner of his eyes, Ryan notices someone watching him. Given he’s spent the entire night being stared at, it’s odd that he’s even so aware of the eyes on him right now. But he turns his head, frowning at the young man, who looked way too politely dressed for a night at the club.

Ryan smiles at him, not a single hint of the anxiety that usually surrounds him. “Hey.”

“Hi.” The man’s voice is sweet even over the aggressively loud Abba coming through the speakers. “I was here a few weeks ago. I think you served me.”

Damien places a glass of water before Ryan with tension Ryan’s more than used to. Moments ago, Ryan had come down the stairs with the intention of something with Damien, but the sheer thought that talking to this cute man is pissing Damien off entices Ryan to go further.

“Oh really? I only remember seeing you in my dreams,” he says so smoothly he’s mentally annoyed that he could never have come out with that line sober.

The man’s eyes go wide and he looks around, slightly surprised.

“Hey, you should come upstairs and see the show.” Ryan offers, grabbing the glass of water and holding his other hand out for the stranger.

“Are you serious, Ryan.” Damien is pissed and Ryan is absolutely feeling vengeful joy. For extra insult, Ryan ignores him completely.

“Come on, I’m dancing.” Ryan urges.

“No, it’s ok. I. I shouldn’t. Uh. Sorry.” The man turns and, to Ryan’s disappointment, he weaves through the crowded dancefloor making for the door.

Ryan turns his attention back to Damien, who is giving him a jealous glare. “What?” Ryan asks.

“You just flirting right in front of my face now?”

“Sorry. I forgot you’re the kind of person that prefers for it to be done behind your back.” Ryan replies quickly, then turns and heads back upstairs. He’s sure he’s probably been away for too long, and he doesn’t want to be near Damien for long enough to lose the control he’s managed to maintain.

**** 

Jasper thinks he’s going to throw up. He’d been inside for a whole 9 minutes before feeling overwhelmed. Going into The Grind was fine. Walking through a dancefloor of guys kissing and grinding with other guys, not a problem. But the handsome bartender wearing more body glitter than clothes, glitter that accentuated every bump of muscle on his tone body, saying one pickup line to him is where he found his limit tonight.

The dumb thing is, he’s used to guys making flirty and suggestive comments towards him. Blake, of course, says it as a joke, but online Jasper is constantly getting bombarded with it from male fans. And honestly, Jasper likes the attention more than when it’s coming from the girls. It makes no sense that he’d be so afraid of the way one man’s brown eyes, smile, and confident remark could set his heart rate up, and his mouth so dry. Jasper had come here wanting to see this place differently. He’d been drunk last time. But this time he was stone cold sober, and he still felt as if his entire body was on fire when the man he’d been dreaming about spoke to him.

**** 

The music turning off is always the weirdest time of the night. Because the sound has been so loud for so many hours, and then there’s suddenly no sound at all. The lights come on, showing the absolute mess left behind by the drunken patrons tonight. Thankfully, being rostered on to dance means Ryan doesn’t have to clean the bar. The cleaners would be up to wet vacuum the floor to get as much sticky alcohol out of the carpet. But until then, Ryan is closing his eyes and moving his body to the music still in his head. It’s slower than the club music that had kept his high going all night.

“Ready to go?” Damien’s voice calls through the refreshing quiet of Ryan’s mind.

“I guess.” Ryan hums.

“Are you back on tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on then. Don’t waste more time here than you already do.” Damien’s fingers entwine with Ryan’s, and rather than pull away, Ryan allows himself to be led out by Damien.

“Where are we going?” Ryan asks, aware of exactly which direction he’s being taken.

“You know your mom will be furious if you go home high.” Damien replies. Ryan doesn’t bother protesting. He just wanders along the footpath, hand in hand with his ex like the last number of months never happened.

Inside Damien’s apartment, Ryan makes himself at home. Heading straight into the shower to washing the glitter, sweat and spilt drinks off himself. Damien gets in with him and Ryan says nothing until Damien tries to kiss him.

“Fuck off.” Ryan jerks his head back.

“You kissed me tonight.” Damien reminds him.

“That’s because there was something in it for me.” Ryan states, hoping his cruel tone hurts.

Damien just raises his eyebrows at the response, then gives a little shrug. “Need something in it for you?” Damien asks, licking his own lips and sinking to his knees.

Ryan tilts his head back against the glass of the shower and lets out a sigh. He didn’t have to like Damien. He didn’t have to kiss him. There was nothing to it. But damn, it felt good to have his brain switch off so he could take advantage of the way Damien is trying to win him back. Ryan doesn’t even feel cruel about it when he steps out of the shower and dries himself off before Damien has even stood up again. Sober, he’d never be heartless enough to use Damien, no matter what. But still in a careless euphoria, he feels perfectly good about being selfish and rude.

“Where are you going?” Damien asks when he finds Ryan putting his shoes on.

“Home,” Ryan shrugs.

“You know you can stay here.” Damien crosses his arms, leaning against the doorframe completely naked. Ryan’s eyes do a quick sweep down and back up his ex’s body.

“I know. But why would I want to?” Ryan says, turning and walking out.

As he walks home, he feels the effect of the drug crashing. He’s suddenly exhausted, nauseous and needs another shower. How he could have kissed Damien just to get high tonight makes him feel disgusting enough, but letting Damien go down on him in the shower as well is just too far. Every time the line between ‘not together’ and ‘something’ gets blurry, Ryan fears he’s going to end up back where he started. Believing Damien’s lies and getting his heart broken. He couldn’t let another night like tonight get the better of him.

Another shower at home, and a quick re-heated dinner his mom had left in the fridge for him, Ryan finally falls into bed. The ache of a hangover throbs through his head as his thoughts start swirling out of control. All of them Damien. It feels pathetically like Déjà vu to be dizzy and insecure with Damien’s face appearing every time he dares close his eyes. He tries to think about anything else. Literally anything. But it’s all Damien. It’s the smirk on his face when Ryan turned up in body glitter and baggy jeans to dance tonight. It’s the taunting tongue waiting for Ryan to give in and take the drug. The way that could have been much less than what it ended up being. If Ryan had an ounce of self-control, that could have been entirely avoided. Then it’s the jealousy on his face at the bar. Finally, it’s the wet eyelashes and flushed cheeks that had stolen the last remanent of his dignity as he got the better of him.

Annoyed with himself, Ryan buries his face in his pillow and curses. The whole night of regrets floods through him in an awful reminder that he’ll never escape this fucking world. Working at The Grind kept him too close to temptation and depression triggers. He knew the cycle. There would be another night like tonight, and he’d sweep drugs from Damien’s tongue with his. He’d dance carelessly, go home with him, and eventually he’d end up staying the night. He’d end up kissing Damien because he’s lonely. Because he misses feeling wanted. Because he’s pathetic and can’t stay away. It’d all lead back to another relationship full of betrayal and self-loathing.

Just once he’d like to not be thinking about Damien before he falls asleep. He cycles through every thought in his head, hoping at least one wouldn’t include Damien. That’s when a sweet face enters his mind. Deep blue, nervous eyes looking at him through a blond fringe. Ryan’s got no idea who he is, but there’s a sense of relief that passes through him as he drifts into sleep, not re-living old memories and fresh regrets.

**** 

Going to a gay club had been a terrible idea. Not even just tonight, but why did he and Blake go there in the first place? Because now Jasper is lying in bed, ignoring the 'thank you for coming over for dinner' text his girlfriend sent him, and trying to understand why he’s woken up from a dream about the guy from the club. He can’t even mentally process what he’d been dreaming about because the entire dream is shrouded in so much guilt. He should be dreaming about kissing his girlfriend like that. The heat, the desperation. Every time he closes his eyes, he’s against the wall of the club, the bartender’s body glitter is rubbing on his clothes as fingers are threaded through his hair, tugging his head to the side to expose his neck, where lips tickle kisses until he’s subconsciously grinding with the need to be touched.

Jasper gasps his eyes open again, and gulps. This is not what he’s supposed to be dreaming about. But he can’t get it out of his mind, no matter how much he wants to.