More Than Nothing - 4. Oblivious

Outside the club with his back against the cold cement and his front on fire, Jasper is barely breathing. The man he’s been unable to stop thinking about is pressed against him, his elbow just above Jasper’s shoulder blocking his face from view as the security guard pokes his head out and looks around. He presses his forehead to Jasper’s, his sweet breath taunting Jasper’s restrained desires. It takes only a moment before the security guard retreats and the man pulls back slightly.

Despite how confused and nervous he is with their proximity, his body feels strangely alone the moment the contact between them is broken. “Thanks. I owe you one.” Jasper whispers, trying desperately to restart his overstimulated brain.

The man smiles back and leans closer again. “Do you mind if I collect that favor now?” He whispers, pressing against him once more, this time his lips find Jasper’s collar bone and before he knows it he’s experiencing the wildest rush of endorphins right down his body and the sensation is absolutely addictive.

Lips kiss and nip their way up his neck and Jasper can’t do anything but let out a needy whine at the ache it's causing through him. The feeling dissolves into complete torture as the man runs his tongue back down to Jasper's collar bone, where he sucks gently. Jasper gasps and threads his fingers through the man's hair, no doubt ruining the gelled style. It's only when he feels a gentle hand on his hip, pressing him back against the cold cement wall that he realizes he'd had no control over his body. He still has no control over his body, judging by how unfairly turned on he is right now. He almost want to lose himself in the moment again, to keep enjoying this without thought, but that chance is ruined now that he's become aware of the throbbing in his uncomfortably tight his jeans.

“Is he gone?” the man whispers and it takes Jasper a moment to realize what just happened.

He gulps and glances casually to his side where the blond bartender is walking away down the footpath. Suddenly Jasper’s balance is off and he feels he may fall to the ground or vomit again. “Were you using me?” he asks in a dry tone. A vulnerable wave engulfs him and he wishes he can drown in it so he doesn't have to deal with any of what is happening right now.

“You used me too. Mutually beneficial.” The man shrugs, smiling at him. “So why were you running from security?”

Jasper’s heart is racing and already tears are filling his eyes. He nudges the man away from him and starts stumbling down the street but finds himself weakly leaning against a light post.

“Hey, are you alright?” the man asks, following him.

“No, I’m not alright.” Jasper snaps before turning around so fast he trips over his own feet and is lucky to have someone here to catch him. The man’s biceps feel so annoyingly solid compared to the gentle concern in his stupid beautiful soft eyes. “You can’t tell anyone about this. You understand? If you do, I’ll... Uh... I’ll...”

“Deny it?”

“Yeah, I’ll deny it and sue you for defamation.” Jasper says, raising a finger and fixing a stern expression on his face.

“Okay ‘deny it’ I’ve heard before but no one has ever threatened a defamation lawsuit when I’ve turned them on. You’re cute,” the man smiles at Jasper who just gapes back at him. “I’m Ryan, what’s your name?”

Apparently being called cute was just far too much for Jasper to comprehend, because it has him feeling quite uncharacteristically flustered. “I’m not cute," he says way too defensively.

Ryan's smile only widens, dimples pitting in his cheeks. “Okay. Let me get you home," he says, taking out his phone.

Jasper recoils. “No! No. I’m not going home with you. I’m not, I’m not gay.”

Ryan raises an eyebrow, and to Jasper's horror his attention flicks from Jasper's panicked face to his crotch.

Jasper opens his mouth to explain himself, though he's not sure how to explain away a boner to the guy that'd just had his lips and tongue on his neck. Maybe he'd just explain that he's easily aroused, but that's never been the case before with Beth. He doesn't necessarily have to explain that he has a girlfriend... A fiancé. In fact, discussing this at all just feels incredibly awkward, because he doesn't want to admit to anything or acknowledge anything.

“I wasn’t meaning I’d take you home to my place. I’ll order you an Uber so you can go home.” Ryan says, his attention thankfully off Jasper's crotch, and back on his phone.

“Oh...” Jasper finds his feelings difficult to understand, because now he’s suddenly disappointed.

“Hey, if you ever want to blend in here, there’s a masquerade event at the club here on the last Saturday of every month.” And just like that the disappointment he was feeling is starting to burn into anticipation.

**** 

Cute? Check.

Out? No.

After helping this interesting stranger into the back of an Uber and waving him off, Ryan heads home himself, walking and enjoying the refreshing cool breeze. It feels like it's been a long time since he's so much as noticed something as simple as the breeze on his face. He feels very present with each step as he thinks about what had just happened. This had been a weird night for so many reasons, but being the first time he’s actually entertained the idea of another relationship since Damien, he’s not sure whether it’s a good or a bad outcome that things didn’t go further. If the cute guy's breath hadn't smelt like vomit, Ryan would have kissed the hell out of him. He’d have made out with him against the wall right in front of Damien. But making him moan and getting him aroused had been satisfying enough.

In fact, It's the first thing Ryan re-lives when he gets home and in the shower. For so long he’s not had an interest in jerking off because all he had to run through his head were memories with Damien. Tonight, he’s losing himself to the thought of Mr ‘I’m not gay’ who mustn’t have noticed the urgent way he’d been moving his hips while Ryan’s lips trailed up and down his neck. Clearly, this guy is somewhere in the start of his own journey, because Ryan could feel the erection before his lips even tasted the man’s skin. Just the body contact and close proximity had been enough of a turn on.

Thinking about the guy's fingers gripping his hair so tight, his hips pressing with aching need to Ryan's, and the sweet gasp and uncontrolled pleasure filled breathes brings Ryan to a mind-blowing release. The sensation as he leans back in the shower to catch his breath and cool himself back off is so enjoyable when it’s not immediately followed with guilt or regret. He’s feeling so much relief he can't help giving himself a second orgasm not long after climbing in bed and he’s already looking forward to waking up tomorrow with the energy to have another. He feels strangely alive as he closes his eyes. He’d stood up to Damien and maybe even moved on all in one night.

After treading water with his mental health the past few months, he’s finally feeling like he’s making progress.

**** 

Jasper is a mess. He’s showered but the sight of a single speck of glitter on him makes him dizzy. On his neck there’s a faint hickey. He’s never in his life had a hickey before but less than 12 hours after getting engaged to his long time girlfriend, he’s sporting a hickey from an insanely hot man! There’s a tingling all through his body that won’t go away and though he's never in his life experienced this feeling before, all his hands seem to want to do is drift down his body. It's like he thinks the only way to stop feeling this, is to literally ejaculate the feeling away. He resists, even though the urge is painful. When he goes to bed, he lies on his stomach trying to replicate the pressure of a body against his chest. He closes his eyes, thinking about it, pressing his hips to the mattress like he's searching for the relief his body is screaming at him to find.

None of these feelings or desires are fair, but he doesn't know how to stop them. He's also not sure he could even if he wanted to, because everything about what he's feeling right now is so addictive.

His dreams torment him, it’s just vision after vision of lips on his skin. Ryan’s lips had broken something, that’s what he tries to tell himself as justification for why he had such vivid images of things that didn’t even happen rippling through his subconscious. In reality, their lips didn’t touch. But in every dream, sooner of later, they are pressed together in delicious desire. Ryan’s tongue is sweeping his. Hands are where they shouldn’t be and it builds up until Jasper wakes himself in a gasping sweat. He begs his mind not to do it again, but closes his eyes and finds they aren’t even against the wall of the club this time. His mind plays around with destinations, placing them in a car, a bed, in the bathroom of the club. Sometimes kissing, sometimes more. Eventually Jasper can’t take it and just forces himself to stay awake, though it doesn’t help one bit, because he could forgive his subconscious for having obscure thoughts while it processes the day. But the way his active thoughts are flooded with similar ideas isn’t as easy to shrug off.

He gets out of his band’s apartment and heads to the studio, hoping to lose his thoughts in some music. Distract himself.

****

Ryan is grinning when he sees Damien. He’d not dreamt of him a single time last night, and yet he’d not been alone in his thoughts. The nameless ‘not gay’ guy he’d pressed against the wall last night hadn’t left him once through his dreams. Ryan had been mostly fixated on his smile. The refreshing innocence of it. Damien’s smile always asked for something, his lips always came with a price. But this new buzz of oxytocin inside him hadn’t cost him anything. All Ryan can hope for is another excuse to feel this.

Damien’s deliberate avoidance of Ryan all night is fun at the start, but the more Ryan surveys the packed dance floor for the familiar face he was hoping to see tonight, the more he starts to crave Damien’s attention. Normally Damien is the one conveniently turning up on his lunch break, but today Ryan repays that favour, wandering into the staff room and pretending to be checking something on his phone. He hopes Damien asks, because he’s going to lie that this man that hasn’t shown up tonight, is texting him. He’d love to see that jealousy steal the smugness from Damien’s face.

Damien doesn’t ask, and the familiar silent treatment does make Ryan nervous. It’s like he’s waiting to know what he’s done wrong today. How he’s let Damien down this time. Only there’s no reason he should care and as he assures himself of that, he leaves the awkward room without a word.

It feels strong. Like a milestone. He’s getting good at walking away from Damien. Now he’s just got to good at staying away.

****

A spontaneous tour would normally be something Jasper would get frustrated about, but today he’s pretty down with the idea of being nowhere near temptation. He’s in agony sitting by Blake who has gotten over his drunken jealousy and is in full supportive best friend mode while discussing wedding plans.

The last thing Jasper can concentrate on is his wedding, because all he can think about is how he can’t stop fidgeting. His body feels strange. It feels like he’s never in his life felt human touch and now his entire body wants to be touched. He wants to feel fingers gliding over his skin. He wants to feel lips on him, everywhere. Whatever he felt when the man from the club pressed his lips to his neck needs to be replicated. He needs it and he hates himself for it. Jasper’s body needs Ryan’s touch and Jasper doesn’t trust himself to stay away.

“Dude.” Blake nudges Jasper to break through his thoughts. “You good? Worried about missing your sexy fiancé?”

Jasper’s absent reaction doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Okay, what’s going on? I’m your best friend and I want to support you, but this doesn’t seem like what you want. Are your parents pushing you to get married? Because I know you’d have told me if you were thinking about proposing to Beth. You don’t look happy, dude. Talk to me.” Blake urges.

Jasper stares at him, all the confusion swelling in his mind so much he feels he might burst, but as soon as his throat burns with the words he’s afraid to say, he swallows it all back down and gives a shrug. “Nothing. I’m just nervous.”

**** 

“Where’s your boyfriend tonight?” Damien’s tone is sharp, taunting and incredibly satisfying to hear. Ryan has been waiting for this. All night he'd hoped Damien would show some amount of jealousy.

“My boyfriend?” he asks.

“Well, whoever it was you were making out with last night.”

Damien’s jealous tone is so addictive, Ryan wants it to never end. “Oh, yeah that wasn’t a boyfriend. Just a cute guy I...”

“Since when are you into casual hook-ups?”

“I don’t know, wasn’t that our entire relationship? Because it sure felt like one long, pathetic series of casual and depressing hook-ups.” Ryan shrugs, moving past Damien to leave.

“Excuse me? The only depressing part of that relationship was you.”

“Yeah, because of you I was depressed. But whatever. That’s the past, right? We’re moving on.”

“You’re not moving on from me. You can pretend all you like, and hook-up with whoever you like. But I know as well as you do, that you still love me.” Damien scoffs.

“What are you afraid of Damien? That you’re not the guy I think about or turn to anymore? That I’m replacing you just like you always replaced me? You should be grateful I haven’t called you to make you listen to us.”

“You can’t expect me to believe you’ve gone that far.” Damien laughs. “If you want to make me jealous, fine. I’ll play along. But you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into with that guy.”

Ryan smiles. “You don’t know anything about him.”

Damien gives a condescending laugh and shakes his head. “Are you serious? I think you’re the one who doesn’t know anything about him. You might be the only one on the planet who doesn’t know anything about him.”

“What do you mean by that?” Ryan asks, hating that Damien is getting under his skin when he’s the one supposed to be messing with Damien’s head right now.

“Nothing. I'm going to enjoy watching you work it out yourself. Good luck with him. I’m sure he’ll be keen to show you off and be just the kind of boyfriend you want." Damien sneers and storms off, leaving Ryan to stand back and try not to overthink what he'd just heard.