Heat - 14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

At the end of the day I pass Mrs. Simple’s door and for a moment I’m tempted to knock. I know, now, that apologizing for how I behaved would be the right thing. I even know that she would understand - she’s a counselor if anyone understands misplaced anger as a trauma response it’s her. But I also know if I start that conversation I am going to have to explain why I was so angry, I’m going to be forced to confront why I’ve been acting the way I have and I just don’t think I am ready for that. So instead I walk past.

Asher is waiting in the parking lot, leaning against his bike. I cross the courtyard at a half-jog when I see something that stops me in my tracks. Chris and Ryan are talking to him. It makes no sense, but somehow this feels like an ending. The bubble I carved around the two of us, the world of Asher and Kenan, it’s supposed to be separate from the world of school. Supposed to be safe. But now, the two worlds are crashing into each other and I’m not even there to act as a buffer between them. I watch as something Ryan says makes Asher laugh and it breaks the spell. I approached the group, anxiety crawling under my skin.

“-all the way through Missouri and halfway into Kansas. Some of those hairpin curves almost sent me straight off the road!” Ryan and Chris laugh at what is, I guess, some kind of vehicle-based punch line. Asher notices me approaching. “There he is! Hey Kenan, I was just talking to some of your friends about my bike.”

Chris turns to me, “yeah, it’s so nice to finally meet your new friend.” he says, winking lasciviously.

Ryan punches him in the side and he grunts in pain. "It really is nice Kenan." His face contorts into a smile so encouraging that it turns my stomach.

“Um… yeah.” I say, and then the whole group lapses into silence. Asher looks at me questioningly.

“Anyway” Ryan begins, after it becomes clear I am not going to say anything else “we had better go. Nice meeting you Ash.”

“Yeah! Great meeting you too, Ryan. And you, Chris. It’s cool to meet some of Kenan’s friends.”

“Yeah, absolutely. By, K.” I nod at Ryans goodbye and they walk away.

Once they are out of earshot Asher turns to me and whispers “Hey, I’m not super good at the whole social-cue thing but that felt really weird. Did I do something?”

“No, no. You’re good. I’ll explain later. Let's just go, ok?” He nods and straddles the bike to stabilize it while I climb on.

…

At first Asher tries to head to my house but after yesterday I insist we go to his place instead. On our way he asks again what happened.

“Things are just a little weird between me and my friends. It has nothing to do with you, I promise.”

He nods, slowing down a little to take a corner safely. When we ride our bodies naturally move together. There’s an indescribable intimacy there, almost like dancing. “What happened?”

“It’s a long story.” I say and then we drift into silence. He’s clearly waiting for me to begin telling it. When I say nothing he starts to warm up between my arms. Not a lot, but it’s noticeable.

“Kenan, you have to talk to me. I have told you everything about me. Everything. It’s not fair if that only goes one way.” I think… is he irritated with me? I didn’t even know Kenan could be irritated.

“It’s not even important! Just something stupid I did a while back.”

“Maybe so, but it is clearly affecting you. Do you think I can’t tell when you are feeling uncomfortable? You wear your heart on your sleeve, Kenan.” I do? That doesn’t sound right. “Besides, this isn’t about whether it is or is not important. It’s about if you trust me or not.” He pulls the bike to the side of the road in front of his place.

“I do trust you! Of course I do.” We get off the bike and he turns to look into my eyes, resting his hands gently on my hips.

“Then talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong. I promise I won’t ever judge you for how you feel.”

I… I didn’t even know that that was something I was afraid of but when he says those words it hits me. Maybe I am scared to open up because I’m afraid of being judged, scared of how I will be perceived if I say my emotions out loud. “I’m sorry. I’m not used to sharing that part of myself. I guess I’ve never had anyone in my life willing to listen before. Let's go inside and I’ll tell you the whole story, ok?”

Asher smiles, clearly happy to have gotten through to me, and takes my hand to pull me towards his front door. Then, all at once, he stops in the middle of the path. “What is it? Why did you stop?”

“We need to leave. Now.” His grip on my hand has become crushing and I can see flames licking across his arms. He practically drags me back to the bike and we take off, fast. As we race away I catch a glimpse of what has him so spooked. His apartment’s front door is wide open, and painted on it in clean black lines are the words “See you soon, brother.”