Halos and Heroes - 11. Chapter 11

You try your hardest to raise your teenagers with patience, honesty and good manners, but they still end up being like you...

—Unknown

MY PHONE rang the moment Maplewood was less than three blocks behind me. The screen flashed Tara's cell number. She called twice, back-to-back. I let both calls go to voicemail. Catching me kissing Ben had probably flipped the switch on her ingrained nosiness, practically a birthright for most women. She probably to know if anything else had happened between us. While technically nothing had, our unmistakably emotional connection was almost more embarrassingly intimate to admit to, and I wasn’t ready to share just yet. Instead, I headed back to Sofia's house at a faster pace than I’d run with when I was out with Tara earlier.

I felt pleasantly exerted by the time I got home and was in need of a cold drink and some quality time spent with the central air.

I kicked my sneakers off in the foyer and lined them up neatly against the wall, then moved to the kitchen to grab two bottles of water from the refrigerator. After draining one quickly, I peeked out into the common areas, my ears trying to read the silence of the house. The lights were on, but Sofia’s car hadn’t been parked outside when I’d jogged up the driveway and no one answered when I called out a greeting. Assuming nobody was home, I crushed my empty water bottle into a crinkled ball of plastic, then screwed on the cap before I tossed it into the blue recycling bin.

My second water bottle was left on the kitchen island as I tucked my sweat soaked t-shirt over my head, then took it and the Bottle of water with me out of the kitchen and toward the stairs. A shower was necessary in the worst way after all that time I’d spent outside. If it also gave me a little bit of private hands-on time while the house was quiet, and I could really focus on all the things and had said to me earlier, so be it. I hadn’t jerked off since that phone call with Max when I’d first arrived in Florida. I was overdue.

My cock stirred at the thought, more than on board with the situation. Unfortunately, smutty plans were derailed when I saw Adelyn sitting alone in the living room, indulging in the pointless teenage practice of watching TV with the sound muted on the set, and hot pink earbuds sunk deep into her ears. She was wearing a tee shirt and cut-off jeans in deference to the heat, as well as knee high toe socks. They were striped in a rainbow pattern, like a weird tribute to gay pride. It was more likely some weird teenage fashion statement than a show of solidarity for me. I kept all commentary to myself so I had a few extra seconds to grab a clean, lightweight, zip-up hoodie from the nearby coat closet. My t-shirt was too gross to put back on, but I hadn’t yet worked up to being comfortable while shirtless, around my family. We’d spent plenty of time at the beach and pools between my deployments when Adelyn had been little. It hadn’t been a problem then, but now that I’d acquired so many new scars including all the healed bullet wounds from the night of the ambush, things were different.

Once I was all zipped up and good to go, I moved into the living room. When Adelyn saw me, she acknowledged my presence with a tip of her head, but then immediately looked back at the T.V. Since it was more civility than I'd gotten out of her in weeks, I took the win. The plush, overstuffed cushions of the couch gave way under my weight to mold around my ass as I sat on the opposite end of it, across from Adelyn. After planting my heels firmly on the floor instead of bracing them on the edge of the coffee table like hers were, I stole a glance in her direction. Her eyes were fixed on the soundless screen, so I followed her lead.

I tolerated the guarantee of future hearing loss for a few minutes, not even sure what we were watching. All these teen, vampiric love TV series looked the same to me. Without the sound on, I had no idea what they were talking about. One of the female characters was pointing to a baby in a stroller and talking animatedly with a too-handsome-to-be-a-true-high-school-boy, character. They could’ve been discussing babysitting options, or planning to eat the kid as a midday snack for all I knew.

Adelyn finally reached for the small remote on the coffee table. Once the screen was black, she tucked her long legs under her, then leaned back heavily into the couch as she clutched a patterned throw pillow to her chest. Settled, she looked at me, her eyes as blue as mine. It always threw me when I realized how much she looked like me.

"Are you and Father Ben dating?"

The question caught me off guard. Cayden had asked me the same thing, but I knew Adelyn was close to Ben, so her opinion mattered more to me. "Why do you ask?"

She rolled her eyes like I was too stupid to be allowed the gift of life. "Because I'm not stupid. I know you spent the night at his place last week, Uncle Sam. I heard him and Mami on the phone, the night before A.J. got here."

"You shouldn't be listening in on other people's calls, Adelyn."

It was a weak argument. We both knew it, which was probably why she shrugged, then loudly popped a piece of gum I hadn’t known was in her mouth till now.

"His number popped up on call waiting. It was weird that he was calling here that late, so I picked up the phone at the same time Mami did. I was forced to hang up quick so they wouldn't know I'd been listening, but I heard Father Ben say you were staying with him for the night. So, are you sleeping with him?"

The question was beyond inappropriate considering she was both seventeen and my niece, but I let it slide. It seemed like she hadn’t heard the part about me being drunk off my ass because I’d made poor choices. "I like him," I admitted. "But we're just friends right now. I needed someone to talk to that night. He was willing to listen."

"Why didn’t you call A.J., or Uncle Max?”

“Max is in Afghanistan, so I didn’t want to worry him. He couldn’t just jump on a plane to come help me. The same goes for A.J.. I didn’t even know he was coming for a visit. Max arranged the surprise. The few people I knew growing up, have all moved on with their lives. I don’t know anyone else here except for Ben.”

“Because you made a whole other life somewhere else."

"Yes," I said trying to be patient. "But now I'm restarting my life here with you, Emma, and your mom. I'll be moving into a new place soon and looking for a job that will keep me close to home."

When she wasn’t actively expressing just how much disdain she had for every fiber of my being, Adelyn was harder to read than a professional poker player. But for a moment, I’d have sworn with absolute certainty, that there’d been a glimmer of hurt in her eyes. We locked gazes for a moment, silently waiting one another out until she lowered hers to study the fringe on the pillows.

"You don't want to live with us anymore?"

It was a classic catch-22. If I said I was leaving because I felt it might ease the tension between us, she’d probably consider it a personal attack because she’d been a nightmare since the moment we’d been reunited. Or, she’d see it as me abandoning them all over again. There was no good answer to that question, so I lobbed it back at her.

"Do you want me to stay here with you?"

Her glossed lips twisted in obvious indecision, slim fingers strangling the edge of the pillow. "It'd make Emma and Mami happy."

“Probably. But they're not the only people living in this house. It has to be a unanimous family decision. I want all of you to feel comfortable with me being here."

I could see the weight of indecision in her eyes spurred by an obstinate refusal to let me in. I understood. I was the usurper in her teenage kingdom. She’d had to be tough enough for three people, including herself in that count, for five years. She didn’t know how to let down her walls.

I could relate.

I huffed out a breath as I leaned forward with my hands on my knees. “Addie, you know I’m never going to walk out of here again without some plans to come back, right? I’m here to stay. I retired from the military. I’m not leaving Florida.”

"Because you're into Father Ben."

I sighed. "Honey, this needs to stop. I know I messed up. But being a snot isn't going to make me leave. I might have to count to 100 backwards in every language I know pretty often, but I’m going to be doing it where you can hear me.” She stiffened when I reached over and gave her colorful left foot a little shake. I expected a tooth and claws response, but she just looked at me. “According to some random, happy self-help shit I read once; frowning employs more minute facial muscles than smiling does. If that’s true, then you’re wasting some premium energy every time you snarl at me. Don’t give yourself premature wrinkles because you think the safe play is to push me away. I love you, kiddo. I’m not going anywhere."

Adelyn didn't answer. She also didn’t run, growl, or threaten my balls with anything sharp and pointy, so I muscled forward when her slim shoulders slumped, indicating a slight chip in her tough facade. I was determined to keep repeating myself until I obliterated it. I couldn't keep seeing this level of pain in a person I cared so much about. Like I’d told A.J., regardless of genetic technicalities, in my heart, Adelyn and Emma were my kids. I’d fight for them with every ounce of my being against anyone, and anything that threatened them, or their happiness. I definitely wouldn’t let them get in their own way like I had so many times in my own past.

"Do you hear me? I love you. I love your mom. I love Emma. I'm not going anywhere."

"I heard you." Her voice was tight, but the expected follow up of, ‘Now can you please shut the fuck up, asshole,’ didn’t come. I swallowed, not sure why the stars seem to be aligning on my side right now. Maybe Ben was praying for me somewhere, and God was throwing me a bone.

"Adelyn, I can't change my past decisions. Replaying them gets us nowhere. We have a chance to start over, but you have to be willing to give me a shot."

Adelyn's expression unexpectedly crumbled. Those blue eyes looked glasslike, filling with tears until a single damp trail slid down the right side of her face. The pillow in her arms suddenly flew across the room to the side to lighten her load so she could flee.

I was on my feet immediately. Adelyn got less than three from the couch before I caught up with her. Tension rippled from her body to mine like a live current when I tried to pull her toward me for a hug.

That paternal comfort seemed to smash apart her emotional levee. Adelyn exploded into a torrent of sound and movement. Her slim hands pushed at my chest and shoulders, trying to slap my hands away. I tried to grab hold of them as gently as I could. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I wasn’t convinced that being as worked up as she was right now, she might not do something stupidly self-destructive if I let her go. I’d been at this breaking point myself before, both as a kid and as an adult. It was a dangerous headspace, so there was no way I’d be respecting her cries of, ‘don’t touch me!’, ‘I hate you!,’ and, ‘fuck off!’ until she calmed down, and could say repeat without wailing like she was right now. Her heart was breaking. I was determined to prove that she’d never be left to deal with that kind of pain on her own again. I’d be there to help her pick up all the damn pieces and put them back together with as much super glue as it took.

“Let go!” she shouted, frantic as her vulnerability was exposed with each falling tear that stripped her bare.

My ears rang, the right side of my face heating when she managed to break my hold on her wrist and caught me with a solid slap across my face. I didn’t try to hold her hands hostage by the wrists again. Instead, I gathered them up together in my left hand, then carefully pinned them between our bodies when I tugged her into a tight hug. I refused to let her go even as she tried to punch my ribs and abs.

I don’t know how long she railed against me, squirming and cursing into my shoulder as I curled my free hand around the back of her head while I kept murmuring, “Shh, it’s ok, Addie. I know. I’m sorry, but I’ve got you. It’s ok. Shh. I’ve got you.”

My attempts at a comforting litany were momentarily stalled by my biological need to take a breath. When I audibly released my breath, the sound seemed to deflate her. The angry squirming stopped. I loosened my hold on her wrists. After Adelyn freed her hands from their position at my midsection, her arms slowly went around my waist. I wasn’t sure what she was going to do, but I stood perfectly still, letting her control this next act. Her head hadn’t even touched my shoulder before she burst into tears again. This time, they were big, gulping sobs that rocked her thin frame. I tightened my hold on her, then rested my chin on the top of her head. Every knob in her spine pressed into my hand as I swept my palm up and down her back slowly.

"Addie, I swear to you, I'm not going anywhere. No matter what you say to me, or how much I want to sell you to the goddamned zoo, and possibly a travelling carnival, I'm here. I’m not going anywhere. Neither are you until you start college. Even then, I’ll be helping you move into your dorm room so I can put the fear of God in any boy who looks at you cross-eyed. I was wrong to leave the way I did, but I’m back now. Do you understand me?"

She didn't answer, but I felt the subtle movement of her chin against my shoulder. Her hair was silky beneath my cheek.

"I know you're mad at me about your dad, baby, and that's okay."

"I’m not mad at you about dad.” Adelyn pulled back just enough for me to see her face. She stopped fighting, but I still held on to her slim frame with one hand as my other smoothed her hair out of her eyes.”

“You sure? I’m all right with it if you are.”

“You hurt our hearts when you left, Uncle Sam. But you never hit us, or even hurt us with your words. But dad…he got off on all of that.” She hesitated, then said, “I wanted him dead. I used to pray for him to die after he left. I know it’s wrong. God wants us to be good and to forgive people who hurt us, but I just couldn’t forgive dad. I knew if he ever came home, he’d end up killing us. I saw it in his eyes that night…” I heard her throat work as swallowed. “If he died in Afghanistan, or wherever, then we didn’t have to worry anymore. Mami could breathe again. Emma could grow up and keep laughing and putting sprinkles on everything. And me… maybe I could stop keeping a steak knife under my pillow.”

Christ.

I tasted blood in my mouth. The acrid metal flavor from gnawing the inside of my cheek, gave me something to focus on other than the sudden burn behind my own eyes. There were so many things I should say right now to reassure Adelyn. Properly adult, paternal things appropriate to say to the average teenage girl. Unfortunately, the tragic reality was that Adelyn had been cheated out of a normal childhood, just like Connor and I had been, because of our own fucked up home life.

“I used to do that too.”

I felt her stiffen in my hold as that truth was released to the universe, and immediately released her. A step back gave her some space before I gestured toward the couch. “Come sit and talk to me a minute. I think we need to clarify a few things.”

Adelyn knuckled her eyes with her hands, leaving streaks of her eyeliner smeared all over her cheeks and beneath her eyes. The ruined makeup made her look her age and so vulnerable it’d probably have pissed her off. I offered a slight smile as I sat down on the couch, then patted the cushion beside me in quiet invitation.

After a pregnant pause, Adelyn joined me. Her slim arms wrapped around her own waist since her pillow was still on the other side of the room where she’d hurled it earlier.

“I don’t know if your dad ever talked to you about what it was like for us growing up as kids. Your grandpa, he wasn’t a good person. He used to hurt us and our mom. It was… really bad, for a very long time, until we moved in with the Melones after our mom died. We sort of left everything before that behind and didn’t look back. At least we tried to. I guess I thought that the love given to us by Vera, the Colonel and your Uncle Max would be enough. Enough to erase the fact our own dad put us into the hospital ER more than a few times, and that our mom always made us lie to the police and social workers afterward, so he didn’t get arrested.”

My niece’s blue eyes widened enough to show whites all around, almost artfully framed by the ruined black eyeliner and mascara. “He never told me any of that.”

“Doesn’t surprise me. Neither of us wanted anyone to know. Especially not the new people in our lives who we didn’t want to burden with that crap.”

Addie licked her lips, her anxious doubt, visible obvious. “It doesn’t make sense though Uncle Sam. How could he grow up like that, then do the things he did, especially to me?”

The heat in her voice stemmed from pain and confusion. I’d experienced the same thing every time Connor or I ended up wearing a cast after our dad got too rough. It’d gotten to the point that signing them with cool designs had lost its appeal after a while.

I sighed. “Broken bones mend, Adelyn. Not everything else does. Connor… I guess he couldn’t heal that part of himself.” My hand came up to stall the angry protests I knew were coming. “I’m not justifying his behavior. It’s never all right for a man to put his hands on a woman, especially when it’s someone he should only ever want to protect. Your dad was just… messed up. Complicated.”

“That’s bullshit! You grew up in that same hellhole of a house, and you’d never put your hands on us.”

“No,” I agreed. “I wouldn’t. Why he and I were so different in that respect is anyone’s guess. Maybe because I had Max and his family. I’d kill anyone who put their hands on Vera. The same goes for you, your sister, and your mother.”

I rubbed one hand over my face. My skin felt stretched too tightly over my bones, even as the thin skin beneath my eyes squished slightly with all the manhandling. My stomach tightened as I studied Addie’s face, trying to figure out how to best navigate this situation. I wasn’t sure if I should move forward with this, or just stay in my lane. In a perfect world, I’d already have had a similar conversation with Sofia, so she could be the deciding force about whether or not Adelyn should know about any of this. Unfortunately, we mere mortals didn’t get to know what true unburdened perfection was. At least not on this plane of existence. We just had to work with what we had.

I had to work with what I had.

Beneath the ruined artifice, I saw a glimpse of the sweet-faced girl Adelyn had been the last time I’d seen her, when she and Sofia had waved goodbye to me at the departure gate of the same airport, they’d had to pick me up at five years later. I hadn’t seen her real face since I’d gotten back, because she only seemed to remove her makeup in her own room, right before bed. She was always perfectly made up first thing in the morning when I saw her. The heavy makeup was as much her armor and shield, as my own tendencies toward quiet stoicism. The big mouth and back talk were all learned behaviors meant to keep people at a distance while she tried to cope with a confusing life. I’d been like that too. Hell, Cayden was like that, and he and Addie seemed to get along well.

“Kindred spirits always find each other, Sam.”

Vera Melone had said that to me years ago, when I was in my mid-twenties, while we were playing Go Fish, on their wrap around porch. Max had been out at the grocery store with the Colonel, getting food for the barbecue we were having later. I’d stayed behind with Vera to help set up the outdoor table and chairs. After we’d finished, she’d poured us both a glass of her overly sweet tea, and told me we should, ‘cop a squat,’ for a while. Right now, I couldn’t remember what we were talking about that might’ve prompted her to say that. It didn’t matter. I felt like I finally had practical application in this context.

Adelyn was Sofia’s daughter, but Sofia, like my mother, hadn’t been strong enough to stand up for herself, or her kids. Twelve-year-old Adelyn, with her knobby knees and skinny, pubescent body, had stood her ground as she’d defended both her mother and herself, against Connor. She’d been a kid, but still willing to do whatever she had to in order to make sure they were safe. That kind of strength was intrinsic. None of the events that’d forced it to manifest, were okay. Neither was the psychological strain and pain they’d caused. But they’d all proven Adelyn’s fortitude. If she could ever see those traits in herself, she’d have a shot at a normal life where she could make connections and have normal relationships sooner than thirty-four.

I’d keep my goddamn fingers crossed for as long as it took because being exposed to those extreme, near constant levels of violence, left their mark on you. I’d learned to erase some of mine because of the relationship I’d built with the Melones. Their love had grounded me. Shown me that there was more to life then violence, and that having even only a handful of people you trusted to have your back, so you didn’t have to fight alone, made all the difference in living a meaningful life. The military, and my brothers in it, had helped further that theory. Everyone needed people, hard as it might be to let them in. I’d let Max in years ago, then A.J., but no one else had been allowed to enter my inner circle since then.

Maybe, it’s time to change that with Ben. You can only offer Addie proof of concept if you show her it can be done.

Adelyn’s anger was an almost tangible thing. Despite her ruined makeup, and the lank strands of dark hair matted to her cheeks emphasizing her pallor, she was gearing up for another fight. She didn’t understand any of this. I couldn’t blame her, so I made an executive decision, for better or worse. Tabling this conversation for another time simply because I didn’t trust my own judgment, would just make things worse. Whether or not Adelyn should know the truth was a moot point. She needed to hear it.

I leaned forward a bit, my elbows braced on my knees as I steepled my hands together in front of my face, just below my chin. I silently went back and forth in my mind for a moment, briefly glancing towards the ceiling like I’d find revelation there. When I caught sight of one of the framed family photos on the wall in my peripheral vision, I had my inspiration.

It was a photo of me at age seventeen, holding a day-old Adelyn. Sofia’s parents had taken at the hospital, in Sofia’s room on the day Adelyn was born. Connor hadn’t shown up. I had, so after a newly born Addie had been cleaned up and fed, Sofia had handed her to me. When I’d seen the name on her tiny hospital bracelet, Sofia had given me a tired smile. Two months before Adelyn was born, Sofia had been trying to figure out baby names. She hadn’t wanted to know the baby’s gender, so she’d had two lists going; One of boy’s names, the other of girl’s. When she’d asked me if I had any suggestions since everyone else did, her parents included, I’d shrugged. I’d heard the annoyance in her voice from being told by everyone who doubted a teen mom, what she should and shouldn’t do, I didn’t want to be clumped into that mess. Instead, I’d said that whatever the kid ended up being, was going to be great, and that they’d be the perfect addition to our family. Adding a great baby to the two men and a lady situation we had going on, would up our Hallmark Street cred. Sofia had laughed and hadn’t mentioned it again. Until the hospital.

“Addie,” I’d said when the name on the bracelet registered in my mind. A much better interpretation of what I’d said. “If she’d been a boy, she’d have been Addison,” Sofia had said. She’d been wiped out from the intense, extended labor, but her voice had been fond when she’d said it was the perfect name for the newest addition to our family. She’s said she knew I’d love and protect Adelyn as fiercely as if she was my own, because I’d known who she was going to be, even before she was actually born. My throat had locked up on me then, just like it was doing right now. Sofia’s parents had snapped the photo of Adelyn and me as I’d looked down into her tiny, sleeping face, and silently promised I’d never prove her mom was wrong about me.

Sofia’s parents had to practically pry Adelyn out of my hands when they came for their own visit. They’d looked after her while Sofia, Connor and I were in school, or at our jobs afterward, but every free chance that I got, I’d had Addie with me. The Melones treated her as much as a granddaughter, as they treated me like a son, so she’d always been surrounded by people who loved her. Once her parents and I had moved into our own place, Adelyn had become my shadow. In between deployments, the bond that Sofia had sparked between us in the hospital, was strengthened by the knowledge that Sofia trusted me to do right by her daughter. She had faith in my judgment. Believed I’d always do everything in my power to help and protect Adelyn.

I tested my luck by reaching over to gently push a clump of my niece’s hair out of her eyes. My bated breath released in slow relief when Adelyn allowed it.

“Hey.” I offered her my hand, palm up, like I used to when she was a little girl and we had to cross a busy intersection together. To me, her hand in mine had always represented safety. Apparently, even though Adelyn wasn’t a kid anymore—as she routinely told me—the gesture was meaningful to her too on some level. My hand dwarfed hers when she slowly slid her much smaller one into it. I immediately curled my fingers gently, but confidently around those slim, cool digits. Sofia trusted me. Adelyn was trusting me right now. I just had to trust myself.

I gently squeezed Adelyn’s hand.

“What I’m about to tell you, your mom doesn’t know yet. I haven’t found the right time to tell her with everything that’s been going on. It’s a lot and honestly, I’d have preferred never to tell either of you. I’m ashamed of my part in it, because the fallout affected all of you. That’s on me. I’ll apologize for it as many times as I have to, but I’m hoping that eventually through my actions, you’ll see that I mean it.”

Adelyn stared at me for an achingly long moment, eyes wet, but focused when she nodded in acquiesce.

I wrapped my other hand over the first time, trapping her hand snuggly between mine both as reassurance for her, and security for me, in the probable event she ended up wanting to take a swing at me after everything I told her.

“I’m telling you because you need to know, and I think you can handle it. You’re stronger than your mom. And by no means, am I putting her down by saying that. Your mother’s tough in so many ways of her own. She kept your family together after your dad left. She went to work, paid the bills, and made sure you and Emma always had clothes that fit, and enough to eat. That alone is a special kind of tough. My mom didn’t have it, but you’re—”

“More like you?” Adelyn cut me off. My surprise must’ve shown, because she shrugged. “From what you told me, your house seemed like a Hellmouth too. Dad came out of it all kinds of screwed up. You didn’t, so I’m sure as hell nothing like him. I look like him, but so do you….”

I nodded slightly to acknowledge what she’d said, without actually getting into a discussion dissecting the differences between her dad and me. She’d soon learn enough to make her own decisions. “Look, I don’t like the idea of asking you to keep secrets from your mother, but for now, can you trust me to tell her when I feel the time is right?”

Adelyn took a moment, like she was weighing her options. Finally, she said, “Uncle Sam, I’m seventeen. Do you really think I don’t keep like 2/3 of my life secret from parental figures?”

I made a face. “That’s fair, but maybe, for the sake of my sanity, you can keep only a third of your life secret from me?”

Adelyn’s lips twitched. Her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes, but it was enough for now.

“I won’t tell her. But please… just tell me whatever it was you were going to say.”

I did. I told her about Connor being damaged from our childhood, and how he’d turned to alcohol to cope. I told her that in addition to Connor being gay, or at the very least, a bisexual man who struggled with his self-identity, he’d cheated on me with the guy I was seeing. Adelyn’s eyes head gone hazy, slightly damp at that last part. Her fingers had also stiffened in mine. For a heartbeat and a half, I thought she was going to pull away. I’d told A.J. that the optics might make me look petty, especially to a teenager, but instead, she murmured, “That was a dick move. What happened to bros before hoes?”

I offered a soft, rueful sound of agreement. I left out the parts about my PTSD. I didn’t think mentioning my secret fear of ever even accidentally hurting them, would help soothe nerves I’d just rubbed raw and open with this dump of new information.

“It was. So was me leaving. But I swear to God, Adelyn, it wasn’t because of them cheating that I left. Of course, I was angry at your dad, but the real reason I cut him off, was because Connor was my brother. My twin. I expected him to always have my back. Finding out—”

“That he was boning your boyfriend,” Addie said, cutting me off again with teenage impulsiveness, “broke your heart.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “If he’d just talked to me, we would’ve been ok. He knew that Dev and I weren’t serious, and that I’d have stepped aside if they cared about each other as much as he said they did. But instead of coming to me, they went behind my back. Went behind your mom’s back. That was what I couldn’t forgive.”

There was a long beat. Then Addie exhaled. Her eyes unfocused, obviously going through all the possible questions any normal human being would consider, before she settled on the million dollar one.

“Why’d you leave us?”

This was the hard part. “It’s… complicated. The easiest way I can explain it, is to say that I got hurt out there when I was deployed. Seriously hurt, and things sort of unraveled after that.”

Adelyn blinked. “Serious like… Almost died hurt?”

After another two beats, I unzipped my hoodie, then slid it half off my shoulders so she could see all the nodules of healed tissue. I knew the bullet scars were the most distinct.

“This is the reason I won’t go into a pool without a shirt on.” I rezipped the hoodie, then knuckled my eyes with both hands. My eyes probably looked as tired as they felt. This emotionally open shit was new and draining. “Anyway, I was almost killed saving your dad, and when I found out about him and Dev, it screwed with my head. I didn’t want to come home and have any of you see me like that, so I stayed with Max until I fully healed. Then I reenlisted.”

She watched me, her expression unreadable now. “Why would you do that if you almost died?”

“Because the military was all I’ve really know since I was nineteen, Adelyn. Maybe I needed to prove to myself that I was still capable of living life exactly like I had for over a decade. I’m honestly not sure. What I do know, is that the longer I stayed away from home, the more I saw…” I released her hands so my fingers could move to the arm of the couch, toying with the colored threads worked into the fabric. My eyes met unexpected sympathy in Adelyn’s when she ever so slightly squeezed my right hand after taking the intuitive to capture it again.

“We did a lot of good and saved a lot of people. But sometimes, I saw some really rough stuff that I could never talk about. That I’ll never be able to talk about because I can’t. I didn’t want to bring any of that back with me. I felt like it’d taint the people at home who were always my safe space; the three of you,” I said, my tone quiet. “So, I stayed away. It was a mistake. I’m so sorry Addie.”

For once, my niece didn’t snap her teeth at me and say I didn’t get to call her that. She just looked at me. Her eyes were wide, plush lower lip trapped by her endearingly crooked upper teeth, the way that I sometimes did when I didn’t know what to say.

She pushed out a breath. “Okay,” she said.

I arched my brow, a little shocked at the simple answer. My niece was usually a word smith armed with a goddamn lightsaber of venomous profanity when it came to dealing with me.

“Ok?”

She nodded, moving her hand out of mind to tuck her hair behind her ears with both hands. “Yeah. Can I ask you a question though?”

“Of course, Addie. I’m an open book right now.”

“Do you… Do you hate dad for everything he did to you? When I think about him, hate is usually all I feel. Sometimes though…”

“Sometimes you miss him.”

Adelyn’s rainbow toes almost touched my knee as she drew her legs up to her knees, arms looped around them. She nodded slightly when I filled in the blanks.

“That’s normal Addie. No one’s ever completely good or bad. Love isn’t black and white. It’s messy and complicated. If you want to know the truth, I felt relieved when I first heard he was dead,” I admitted. Shock rolled through her pretty face. I nodded to assure her I was telling the truth. “It was like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. His being dead meant I didn’t have to keep him out of trouble or hide his secrets anymore. But then, once I realized that also meant I’d never seen him again, not through choice, but because he was dead, I puked my guts up in the bathroom until my throat was raw.” I met her eyes, sure mine were pained. “He wasn’t a monster, Addie, just a really messed up human being. But he was still your dad and my brother underneath all that. Some of our memories are going to be positive. I’m slowly learning that as complicated as that is, it’s also okay.”

"So, you're enlightened."

The snark was accepted because she shifted closer to me. Inch by inch she scooted over until her head laid against my shoulder. I slowly folded my arm around her body to let her cuddle against me. We were both tense, but it was a start I could work with.

"I'm a work in progress. I have some people who believe in me, others who are stupidly rooting for me, so I'm trying. We all have layers, like that Shrek troll guy Emma, likes. Sometimes I hate to remember the good times I had with your dad, but the memories are always going to be there."

Speaking against my shoulder, Adelyn's voice was slightly muffled. "Dad used to do pancake breakfasts with us sometimes when he was home, before he lost his shit..."

I was sure Ben’s profanity jar wouldn’t approve of my language or hers, but I didn’t bother correcting it. That ship had sailed a long time ago. My tab would just have to be an ongoing thing. I cared more about the fact that she was definitely snuggling now, looking to me to make this better.

"Remember him like that then. I know he hurt you, baby. It's okay to hate him for the bad things he did. I’ll never tell you otherwise. Your dad did stuff a kid should never have to experience. But if you hold onto that rage, it'll break you. Believe me, I know. I've been there way too many times. I want more for you. So does your mom, and all the people who love you."

Adelyn made a soft sound low in her throat that I couldn’t identify as a specific emotion. It explained itself when her shoulders curved forward. She ducked her head, and hid her face against her knees as she broke down, crying in earnest this time. Her earlier tearful outburst has been a combination of confusion and rage breaking free. This was a complete release of pain that she’d held onto for way too long.

I leaned forward and carefully tugged her into my arms. If she’d pulled away, I’d have let her go, but instead, her arms looped around my neck. Her face burrowed into my shoulder as she sobbed.

People often said that crying was cathartic. I didn’t know for sure if that was true. I’d learned not to cry years ago. Tears had only gotten Connor and I beaten harder by our dad. But right now, I couldn’t deny my own eyes were damp as Adelyn clutched at me, the pieces of her broken heart spilling down her cheeks to pool in my collar in liquid form.

I kissed the top of her head, keeping one arm around her slim body, the other gently stroking her hair. “I know baby,” I murmured. “I know. It all sucks, but don’t push us away. Your mom, Emma, and me, we love you. A.J. and your Uncle Max love you. So does Ben, and the Melones. You have a tribe Adelyn. You’re not alone. Just give us all a chance. Please."

When I felt her nod, I kissed her temple, then released her. She wiped at her eyes till they were dry. All the rubbing smeared her remaining makeup, but she was calming down.

I bumped her shoulder gently with mine when she got a hold of herself. “You ok, kiddo?”

“Yeah, I think so. That was… just a lot.”

“Tell me about it.” I paused. It was too late to take it all back now but... “Was I wrong to tell you?”

“No… It’s a lot, but I’m glad I know because a lot of things make a little bit more sense now. It doesn’t mean I can forgive him yet though.”

“Forgiveness and absolution are two different things. Absolution is so the person who hurt you, gets to move on guilt free. Forgiveness is letting something go for yourself, so you can move on. Their feelings don’t matter. Yours do. But if you ever want to talk to me about this, or just talk in general, come get me. You can and should always come get me, whether I live here or not. I can pretty much guarantee that my advice won't always be spot on, but I’ll learn. I just want to be part of your life, Addie."

She pushed out a soft breath. “Okay… but I don’t think you should tell Mami yet?”

“That wasn’t part of the deal Addie. I had to carry this on my shoulders for a long time and it got heavy really quick. I didn’t tell you to put any of that pressure on you.”

“I know, but maybe… we can…help each other handle it.” She gave me an almost shy smile before she huffed out another deep breath. “Look, Uncle Sam. Mami tries to make up for what dad did by being here, like all the time when she’s not working. If she’s not at work, she’s with us, or doing something for us like grocery shopping, or taking us to see our friends. Stuff like that. It’s like she’s been doing penance for five years. In the beginning I liked it. I was so mad at her for not standing up to dad and protecting us, that I liked the idea of her feeling guilty all the time. But now, things are different. She deserves to have her own life and friends. She has Tara and Father Ben but she never goes out anywhere with them without us. She definitely doesn’t date.”

“She probably just doesn’t want to make you, or Emma feel that you don’t come first with her.”

“Maybe, but I’m starting college in two years. Emma never really had a dad because ours left when she was just a baby, but she has you, Father Ben and Tara, so she’s smothered in love. Mami needs people… and it’s not like she’s old. She just dresses frumpy. If she colored her hair and let Tara take her shopping so she could wear clothes other than scrubs and mom jeans, guys would notice.”

Ouch. Thank God, Sofia can’t read minds. Teenage girls are brutal.

She examined her navy-blue nail polish, a soft snort released after she rubbed an edge that was slightly chipped. “Though A.J. notices already. He flirts with her. A lot.”

The undernote in her tone wasn’t easily readable, so I proceeded carefully.

“Yeah, he does that. He’s a natural flirt like your Uncle Max, but he’s a good guy. He’d never disrespect your mom. I’ll tell him to knock it off though if it bothers you.”

“No… don’t have to do that. It was a little weird at first, but he’s not a dick about it. He makes her smile, and it’s not like he’s going to be here forever.”

Before I could agree with that, Adelyn looked at me, rotating the ornate silver ring on her right middle finger with the thumb on that same hand. "I also don't think you should move out. Having you here makes Emma happy, and I’m okay with it.”

The dark strand of her hair that I gently tugged, was silky soft. "That's good enough for me," I said, silently noting her relief. "We'll put a hold on the move for a little while. Tara will understand."

I assumed Adelyn’s soft whoosh of sound was a noncommittal, teenage version of, ‘ok, that’s awesome.’

"Yeah?"

"I really don't want to hate anybody. It’s just..."

"It's just easier than feeling the hurt. I know, kiddo. Give it time, kid. No one here is judging you, especially not me. We can try and fix ourselves together."

The slightest of nods was my reward for being reassuring uncle of the year. Standing up, she said, "I'm going to go upstairs, wash my face, then get my bathing suit on. Mami and Emma went to the deli to get some food. We're going to the beach when they get back. Do you..." She paused. I resisted the urge to smile. I didn't want to make her feel self-conscious about the new timidity that reminded me of the little girl she used to be. "Do you want to come with us?"

"Yeah, kid. Thanks." I met her effort of creating a bridge between the past and present in the middle with, "Want me to find 'Under the Sea,' for the drive? I bet I can download it on Spotify."

It had been her favorite song when she was younger, and I’d lost track of how many times it been played on repeat during car rides.

Adelyn rolled her eyes at me, but her, "whatever," wasn't infused with its usual venom. She ran halfway up the stairs, then stopped and turned back on the landing. "By the way, I broke up with Jake... You were right, he's a total tool. Told me he'd find another girlfriend if I didn't have sex with him. Which I didn't," she said, smirking at my ‘death to all teenage boys,’ scowl. "I might stay single for a while. Guys are stupid."

As much as I hated to disagree with that point because we were obviously having a teachable moment, I said, "Not all guys. You'll find the right person, one day. But there's no rush. Wait a few weeks, a few months, maybe till our next election cycle. In the meantime, having a solid, very tatted, very gay best friend in your corner is a fantastic alternative, even though I may have to end him if he encourages you to make holes in your body that you weren’t born with.”

“You know Cayden?”

It was always entertaining when teenagers realized that the 2/3 of their secret lives was actually only half, because we always knew more than we let on.

“I met him earlier today. He said you two hang out sometimes and talk music. He seems like a good kid, despite his fashion choices. No holes, and no ink, Addie. Your mother would have kittens.”

I got the widest, most brilliant smile from her. It reminded me of Sofia’s. Colgate commercials, Adelyn Trammell was ready for her premiere.

“Uncle Max already promised to take me for my first tattoo when I start college, as long as it’s not a tramp stamp, or a cartoon character on my butt.”

“Remind me to kill your Uncle Max when he comes home. It’ll be kinder than what will happen to him if your mom gets to him first.”

AKA, getting his balls ripped off by Sofia’s delicate hands.

Adelyn giggled. “I’m going to text Cayden and see if he wants to hang out tomorrow.” Her smile turned sly, with a playfulness that gave me hope this wasn’t a one shot, and that we’d be ok. One day.

"I have time to date, but you're getting old. Maybe you should text Father Ben and see if he wants to come with us to the beach."

Her slim shoulder rolled with teenage dismissal when my eyebrow lifted. "I can tell you like him, and he definitely likes you. He was flirting with you the way A.J. flirts with mami, but it like, totally went over your head when he was here in the kitchen the day A.J. got here.”

Probably because I was distracted by you flirting with A.J.

“I have zero game.”

Adelyn smirked. “Yeah, we all saw that. But he likes you anyway. He’s good like that. He's been our friend, almost family for years. He gets us. Obviously, he gets you too. Just... don't break his heart, okay."

"Not in my game plan."

After her steps faded away, I pulled out my cell. I hesitated for a moment before I found Ben's number. Taking romantic advice from a seventeen-year-old was a little sad, but it was easier to use her as an excuse than to admit that I was just looking for any reason to talk to Ben.

He wants you to come over tonight, Sam. You know that.

Granted, a date at the beach with my family as chaperones wasn’t the same as going home with him, but it was a very definitive baby step.

My palms felt clammy when the call connected. "Hey, Ben, it's Sam."

"Hey! Wow, who knew I wouldn’t have to wait another week to hear from you again."

"I deserve that," I said as I went to my room and closed the door behind me. "Sorry I've been such a pain in the ass."

"It's all right, though I do hope that this call means you've reconsidered coming over later?"

"That thought has been on replay in my head ever since you unloaded on me in the kitchen.”

“Which kitchen?” I heard the sly note in his tone and looked toward the ceiling like the answer to handling Benjamin Santiago’s flirting without blushing, was somewhere up there.

“Focus. I'm actually calling about something a little more G-rated."

"Oh? I'm intrigued. Go on." The amusement in Ben’s voice intensified, probably fueled by all the things he’d said both in his kitchen, and the one at Maplewood. I didn’t allow myself my mind to linger on either of those events. Sporting a semi at the beach with my family in attendance, was a hard negative.

"My family invited you to come to the beach with us. Sorry its last minute. I just got home and found out the plans."

"Don't be sorry. I'd love to join. I still want you to come over later for hijinks that are a little less family friendly though."

“Who even says hijinks?” I said scornfully, even as things low in my body clenched at the rumble of Ben's laugh. Wondering if he'd make those same sounds of pleasure when he was so deep inside me, I'd feel him for days afterward, wasn’t helping my focus. He’d promised to make me come so many times I’d be too tired to run. From any other man, Max included, a line like that would’ve earned several rounds of derisive snorting, and endless eye rolls. Bad lines did not make Sam clothes fall off like tequila did. Coming from Ben though, those words twisted in both my gut, and my dick because I knew he could back them.

Jesus.

I cleared my throat hard. "One step at a time."

"Sounds like that military sense of order is coming out to play.” I could hear the self-satisfaction in his voice. "Meet you in an hour or so?"

"Sure, I'll text you the name of the beach after I talk to Sofia," I said, catching my smile in the mirror over the dresser.

Genuine. Nervous. Hopeful, with the possibility of maybe.

"I'll see you soon."

I texted Max as soon as I hung up with Ben.

Sam: Seeing Ben soon. Grabbing the bull by the horns.

—Isak Dineson

I'd lied to Ben. Getting four people to the beach took longer than an hour when three of them were female. Even Emma proved high maintenance, insisting on the one damn pair of pink flip-flops we couldn't find anywhere among her extensive collection. She had them in all colors, and variations of said colors. I’d thought for sure I could sell her on the rainbow jellies, but she’d informed me with the early signs of impending teenage sass, that they didn’t match the sunglasses I’ve gotten her at the mall. That she was so insistent on wearing a gift from me, was cute as shit. Unfortunately, it hadn’t helped speed up the hunt for the AWOL sandals. Royal pain in my ass, wasn’t a strong enough term, but the wayward sandals had eventually appeared under Sofia's bed, guarded diligently by a close-lipped army of dust bunnies.

By the time we'd finally packed up the car with everything except the kitchen sink, and arrived at the beach, it was just before noon.

I spotted Ben standing in the parking lot, leaning against his truck, wearing dark sunglasses to shield his eyes from the sun. He had his arms folded casually across his chest, and his head was tipped back, face tilted toward the bright rays. With the dark lenses obscuring his eyes, I couldn’t tell if they were closed, but his stance was so relaxed, they probably were.

He’d dressed for the occasion in a bright red t-shirt that matched the huge flowers in the Hawaiian print of what I hoped to God, were just swim shorts and not his normal summer look. For a man who probably had dressed to kill when he’d arm candy for the rich and perverted, this incarnation of Ben seemed to favor clothing that made my eyes bleed when he wasn’t in monotone, clerical black. Though, to be fair, I wasn’t exactly nondescript in my camo print swim trunks. They earned a grin at my expense when Ben spotted me after Emma hollered his name from the car window after I’d put it down.

I hadn’t picked the swimsuit out myself. Emma had chosen both it, and heather blue, #1 uncle t-shirt, I was wearing, on a recent trip to the mall. Vitriol hadn’t accompanied Adelyn’s eyeroll when she’d seen it. I might’ve even gotten a hint of a smile so there was no way I wasn’t rocking that sucker, cheesy as it was.

When Ben raised a hand to wave at us, Adelyn let out a low, perfectly timed wolf whistle. Sofia chuckled. The dirty look I sent her way, only promoted another laugh. This time Emma joined in though, so I let it go. To any onlookers we probably look like the perfect picture of a loving family. I was good with that.

"Hey," Ben said after we’d parked, and I put my window down so he could talk to us. "I was beginning to think I'd been stood up."

"Uncle Sam isn't a very good finder of lost stuff, Father Ben," Emma volunteered. "I told him to pray to you for help like he did before but—"

"Okay, time to get out of the car," I said, interrupting before Emma could elaborate on that particular experience. The AC was still blasting cold air in the car to combat the thick, muggy heat outside, but my entire body felt hot. Adelyn snickered as she took the cooler I held out after I parked and unlocked all the child safety locks so they could unload like inhabitants of a clown car. My family and a circus had a lot in common.

Ben looked between the three of us, sizing up the situation. He grinned. "Am I missing something?"

"Nope, not a thing. Old news." I gently nudged Emma towards the beach with the back of my foot, as I assured Ben there was nothing to see here. She giggled when my bare toes slid out of my flip-flops and tickled her—shoes that I’d only ever wear to the damn beach because having to run like zombies were after us, probably wouldn’t be an issue out here. "The heat just does weird things to her little brain. Makes her talk crazy."

Still smirking, Adelyn got out of the truck and started helping Sofia unpack. I could swear she was humming the old, ‘so and so,’ sitting in a tree song, but without words as solid proof, I had no justified grounds to give her the hairy eyeball.

All around us, children in a rainbow variety of swimwear were competing for the street cred that came with choosing the best spot for enjoying the sun and sand. Sparkling blue water encouraged them to careen down the beach at full speed, leaving their parents behind with beach chairs, lunches and floaties. Adults were there as pack mules, and sources of snacks whenever they got hungry, but not much else.

I didn't have many happy memories of childhood, and we’d definitely never gone to the beach more than twice as kids, though we’d accompanied the Melones often as teenagers, and once Connor, Max and I got our driver’s licenses, we’d spent a lot of time on the beach at night, sharing beers a joint since marihuana was easier to get then alcohol which had a legal age limit. Those had been mostly good times, but I remembered being this age more fondly; when the world had seemed so big. Possibilities where you could be anything you wanted, do anything you wanted to, were around every corner. Sometimes, that had just meant building the best sandcastle you could, before the tides came into wash it all away.

Emma was skipping happily between Ben and I. Every so often we'd time a swing perfectly, and she'd shriek in delight when her feet left the ground. Adelyn and Sofia were walking a little in front of us. Sofia's smiling face was turned up toward the sunshine. Adelyn’s ears were free to enjoy the melodic sounds of the rolling waves, because she was sans headphones for once. Between that and the fact she was sporting a sheer white coverup, and shorts long enough not to expose butt cheeks— even if this would’ve been a semi-appropriate place for that considering how other people were dressed—it was starting out to be a fantastic day.

"I want to make a big sandcastle, Uncle Sam," Emma said. She let go of our hands long enough to demonstrate span with her hands. "A giant one."

"Sounds like someone in the family is a size queen," Ben murmured under his breath. “I can work with that.”

"There's a good spot over there!" Emma’s gleeful cry interrupted my muffled laughter. "Let's go before someone takes it."

"Run ahead and claim it for us, sweetheart. We'll catch up. Good looking out."

"Okay, Uncle Sam!"

We fist-bumped to Ben's endless amusement before Emma scampered off. Sand was kicked up by her heels, rising into the air in a fine mist that swirled around her in the breeze as she made a helter skelter dash for the coveted spot. It was a large, open space a few yards down from us, close to the water’s edge, and a good distance away from any other people. It’d be a bitch to get what sand out of my crotch, but worth it, if for no other reason than that it made Emma happy. Laughter that wafted from both my niece and Sofia, who’d caught up to her youngest daughter. They were splashing water at one another in the shallow waves that were breaking against a shore.

"That's a good kid."

"She is. Honestly, I didn't really know her before. She was just a baby when I stopped coming home. Cute, but more coos and dribbling smiles then all the energy she has now. Sometimes I feel like she’s the epitome of what would happen if you put Pop Rocks in seltzer, shook it up, then added coke. And I don’t mean cola. Though admittedly, I’ve never done hard drugs."

“I have.”

I looked over at Ben who offered me a slight, crooked smile before pointing to himself. “Former questionable lifestyle, remember? One of my clients was into it, so I did it with him a couple of times. Wasn’t my thing, so I good at distracting him in other ways.”

I so didn’t want to know those other ways, but Ben must have read my expression. I wasn’t judging him, but yet again, I was having trouble reconciling the man in front of me with who’d he been. There was a rueful smile on Ben’s face as he squeezed my hand lightly.

“You worry that I’ll judge you for your past, Sam, but believe me, I sometimes worry the same thing.”

“I don’t. I just don’t like the idea of anyone else’s hands on you.”

My immediate response dragged a wide smile from Ben. He leaned in to steal a quick kiss, then helped me set up the oversized blankets that Sofia had packed, out on the sand near enough to Emma’s spot to pacify her, without being so close, that the blanket would get drenched as the day went on and the tide came up. While I put up the beach umbrella, Ben set up the chairs. We worked in the same domestically comfortable silence I’d felt between us at Maplewood. Once we had our temporary day camp set up, I sat down on one of the blankets. It was hot as balls already. My skin was baking beneath my t-shirt, but I wouldn’t be taking it off. The ink on my back always got a double take, but the bullet scars usually got a third, and sometimes a fourth one, for good measure. I’d stopped wearing my military issued dog tags, but I still had on the St. Michael’s pendant that Max had given to me years ago. That was harder to make out from a distance, than the tags inked into my back, but those were a pretty good indicator of why I’d been shot. Living in Florida, I’d eventually have to lose the shirt on the beach or in the pool. Today wasn’t the day for a public reveal. It’s been difficult enough to display them to Adelyn. Fortunately, Ben didn’t seem to be removing his shirt either. I didn’t know if he was doing it for my benefit because he suspected I was self-conscious—he’d seen the tattoo at Maplewood, and the bullet wounds when he’d help me strip at his house the night, I’d been so drunk I couldn’t manage it myself—or if he was just really serious about sun protection. I couldn’t imagine it was because he was self-conscious about his body. Either way, having the pressure of taking any clothes off, relaxed the tensing set of my shoulders.

At least until my gaze landed on Adelyn, who was set up on a large beach towel, a few feet away from us. She’d shucked the tent-like shirt she’d been wearing earlier and was now searing my retinas in a bikini that look like hot pink and black dental floss.

Thank you, Jesus, it’s not a thong at least.

As I scowled at the suit, I noticed more than a few boys who’d previously been involved in a lively volleyball game until she’d stripped, gawking as my niece rubbed herself down with sunscreen. Thankfully, she seemed to be unaware of their stares, so for now, they all got to live. If one dared to cross the threshold from the volleyball net to her blanket, plans could change really quick. In the meantime, I whistled sharply in her direction like I worked for a taxi service. When she glanced up, I waved, then made a hand gesture towards the sunscreen in her hand. It was a transparent excuse to draw the boy's attention towards me. I’d seen two other bottles of sunscreen in one of the bags right beside me. Adelyn smirked, seeing right through my play—my kid wasn’t stupid—then waved before she tossed the bottle to me. I caught it easily mid-air. My stare at the boys was apparently dark enough to encourage an immediate resuming of their game. Adelyn snickered, then continued rubbing the lotion into her skin.

"Adelyn is going to be the cause for my early heart failure.”

"She's a teenager. They test limits. Addie’s a good kid though. You don't have to worry about the choices she makes. She could’ve ignored you. As it is, those poor kids certainly got the message. Nice shirt by the way."

“Emma gave it to me.”

“I like it. Now you just need one for Addie and Emma that says something like, ‘My uncle loves me because he knows I’m special. He also knows about a hundred ways to make the bodies disappear.’ Get one for yourself too. It’d go with your trunks.”

“No one likes a smartass, Father Santiago, though I do know how to make bodies disappear.”

“Oooh, so dangerous, yet you blush like a beet when I say naughty things to you. It’s an amazingly intoxicating combination.”

I ignored him, not wanting to demonstrate one of the mentioned blushes. “On another note, a small win in my life is that Adelyn broke up with the tool she was seeing. With no pressure on my end, I might add.”

"That's fantastic. I have the perfect way to celebrate; have coffee with me tonight."

"Smooth segue."

He grinned. "I know."

"Not sure if I can make it tonight."

"I keep telling you that I’m a marathoner, not a sprinter, Sam. One day you will get tired of running away from me and turn in your passport. The day you do, I’m locking that sucker up in some Cayman Islands lock box."

I smirked. “Such lofty ambitions. The size of your balls amazes me."

"Ah, so you are a size queen. Shush. It's just coffee, Sam," he said before I could protest the quip which was embarrassingly true.

"Just coffee my ass. You expect me to buy those puppy dog eyes after everything you said to me at Maplewood and on the porch?"

Ben’s eyes twinkled. When that lazy smile formed, I knew he wasn’t taking that as a rhetorical question.

“Mmm, I’m pushing 40, mi vida. And it’s hot as the opposite of heaven out here right now. The heat makes my brain feel fuzzy, so you need to remind me exactly what I said.”

If put under oath, I’d swear that the blazing sun was the cause for the warmth that throughout my entire body like molten lava. I couldn’t really blame it for the slow salute of my cock. Fortunately for me, the trunks fit loosely.

“If you can’t remember, then I guess it wasn’t that memorable.”

Ben snickered as I managed a nonchalant shrug.

“Well played, amorcito.”

That last one got him side eyed. “What’s with all the mushy endearments? I speak Spanish, remember.”

Been practically purred, eyes half-lidding. “Oh, I’m well aware. I’ll stop if you remind me what I said, so there’s no confusion when you come home with me tonight.”

When his gaze lifted to mine, there was an affectionate challenge in those hazel eyes. They clearly said to put up, with zero option to shut up.

“Among so many other things, you said you wanted us to have coffee… You also said that I owe you dinner and… dessert.”

We said the last word together in perfect synchrony, Ben’s voice pitched as low as mine. His was more controlled, more confident. I nodded slightly, feeling my skin prickle. I was all too aware of him. The fact we had my family with us, made this conversation— which couldn’t be mistaken as anything other than public, verbal foreplay— feel even more taboo.

“Good boy,” he murmured. I was mortified that the praise intensified that heated meltdown inside my body. “You also said, you plan to make me come so many times, I can’t get out of bed… Pretty sure of yourself.”

“I never say anything that I can’t back up with action, Sam.”

Ben’s voice was smooth. Sexy. Thick with absolute self-assuredness, and the knowledge that he was in control here. Just like on the porch, that combination made me feel like I was on the verge of being overwhelmed by desire.

I’d never been into games of dominance and submission before. The idea of calling anyone master made me throw up in my mouth a little. So did being beaten, or verbally degraded. I’ve gotten enough of that as a kid. A little slap and tickle were okay. Max had slapped me firmly on the ass more than a few times over the years when he’d been drilling me through a mattress. It’s been hot. I trusted Ben the way I trusted Max. Neither of them would ever hurt me in any way, but the way he was looking at me right now, that was different than any look Max had ever given me. Hotter. Hungrier. But affectionately patient. That look made me want to give him anything he wanted; On my knees, on my back… Ben could have complete control because I trusted him not to abuse it. To him, I’d submit, possibly without any of the playful fights for dominance that Max and I engaged in whenever we were in bed together. I might even get off on it.

Shit.

“If you can survive today, then we can go out for coffee tonight. I’m not promising anything else yet though.”

“That’s fine, though you realize all of the best days start with coffee, right?” Ben grinned, then leaned over to steal the briefest of kisses before his attention focused away from me. “We’ll continue this later. We’re being summoned.”

I glanced over my shoulder to see Emma's little arm waving in the air like she was flagging down planes. To make sure I got the point, she shouted out my name twice before Ben and I got up to make our way toward the water’s edge where she was already starting to pile mounds of sand in preparation for an inevitable sandcastle, and expansive kingdom.

"Sam?" This time it was Ben’s voice causing me to look over at him.

"What?"

"The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup...With your boyfriend.”

“I don’t remember that last part,” I said with a soft snort.

“I ad-libbed.” His long, strong fingers laced his fingers through mine. “I get dibs on the big shovel.”

“Now who’s the size queen?”

* * *

Someone smarter than me once said that we always return to where we started. As I watched Sofia allowing herself to be transformed into a sand mermaid, and Adelyn playing a game of frisbee with Ben, I considered about that. Despite my previous apprehension, things inside of me were loosening, calming down into a comfortable headspace as I watched my family learning to move on, while I did the same. My earlier conversation with Adelyn had filled a hole in my heart, one that’d been deeper than I’d initially realized. She, Sofia, and Emma, mattered more to me than anything else that I’d ever believed in, or worked for in the past.

A soldier without a mission was doomed to fail, but I’d found renewed purpose in my family, fueled by the determination not to fuck things up this time around. The only potential kink in that plan, was the guy currently showing my niece is a good time.

Adelyn sent the frisbee sailing high over Ben's head. It was a red disk that blotted out the sun for a moment. Even though he was still wearing his shirt, I admired the flex of hard muscle, and the hint of tight abs when the shirt hem lifted as he twisted up to catch it. Adelyn’s laughter carried over to me, aided by the breeze as Ben’s foot slipped in the sand. He hit the ground, sending up puffs of sand all around him. Emma clapped her hands, sending her own fine sandy cloud everywhere, when Ben got up with quick grace. He bowed, earning a cheer from the three female members of his audience. If I hadn’t expressly known which way he swung, I’d have been grilling him about his intentions toward my family. Fortunately, I knew he was as gay as summer days were long, which allowed me to ponder his persistence in trying to fit into my life. No one else, aside from Max and his family, had ever shown that much interest in me before. On my end, I’d definitely never felt such a strong desire to lower my guard and let someone in.

I felt my mouth curve into a crooked smile. A few days weeks ago, I'd have said Ben had bitten off more than he could chew with me. But after having caught a glimpse of the hot-as-fuck dominant side of him earlier today, my blue balls had changed my tune. Having a hardon around Ben, was becoming an almost full-time occurrence.

"That's a good look for you."

I strove for casual, arranging a bag of chips strategically over my lap when Ben plopped down beside me, pulling me from my thoughts. "What is?"

"Serenity." He grinned. His face was sweaty from exertion, already showing a faint burn along his nose and cheekbones. He thanked me when I handed him a small towel I dampened in the cooler. "I don't think I've seen you relaxed since we met."

"When we met, I was hugging a toilet bowl. Anything would be an improvement."

"I don't know. I find something endearing about a man who could probably crush my larynx in seconds with some insane military move, curled up on the floor all needy and vulnerable."

Needy and vulnerable my ass.

Though he wasn’t wrong about the second part, which was a reminder that spending the night at his place might not be the best or safest idea for him.

Ben must have seen the unease in my features, because his own suddenly expressed concern.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

I ignored the endearment, but to my own surprise, and probably his, I responded.

“You know I have PTSD,” I said quietly. “Sometimes, my nightmares get… really rough and, I can get pretty physical. I have no idea I’m doing it, which means things can get unpredictably dicey for anyone around me. It’s why I never spend the night with anyone other than Max. He’s learned how to handle me over the years and stay safe. But he’s still careful.” Max had also been well trained by me with many of the same tactics I’d learned to make me more efficient in neutralizing enemy combatants.

I didn’t share that with Ben, but being able to even have this conversation was progress, even if I was looking at my fingers folding and unfolding the open side of the chip bag, instead of looking at him. “I’m… worried about hurting you if I have a nightmare and flip out. I was trained by the military to be lethal.”

Those words sounded like dialogue pulled out of a bad action movie. They made me cringe, but it didn’t make them any less true.

Ben’s warm expression suddenly filled my vision as he curved a gentle hand beneath my jaw to tilt my chin up.

“I understand your concern, but I’m not afraid of you, Sam. We can brainstorm some ways to make you feel more comfortable when you’re at my place, so you see it as the safe space it is. That might help keep your dreams less turbulent. Is there anything you do at home to relax yourself before you go to bed?”

I considered his question, even as I leaned into his touch. I hadn’t spent the night alone with anyone other than Max in years. I knew what helped with him; Familiarity. Things I associated with him like his shampoo, the scent of his cologne, or the fabric softener he always used on his laundry and mine when I spent extended time at his place.

I glanced up at Ben. The first two examples felt a little too intimate to share, but the last one reminded me that I’d already spent a night at Ben’s place and been fine. Granted, it’d been in his guest room, but the surroundings had still been unfamiliar, and I’d also been drunk off my ass, all inhibition dropped. the perfect setup for my nighttime dreamscapes to terrorize me, yet I’d been fine.

Why?’

Ben’s head tilted slightly to one side with gentle, almost wistful smile, like he wished he could see into my head.

“I like the smell of whatever laundry detergent or fabric softener you use. Your guest room sheets smelled like it. So did the t-shirt you lent me that night to sleep in. The one I wore home when we were supposed to go for a run.”

“C is for cookie,” Ben said. His growly imitation of the blue Muppet character was adorably on point and he grinned when he noticed me trying to hide my smile.

“Yeah. That one. I…” I hesitated because my mouth was beginning to run the show now that I’d loosened the reigns. Apparently, it’d missed my brains silent spiel on consent. “I haven’t washed it yet. I will, before I give it back to you, but for now, it still smells like you…”

Understanding dawned in Ben eyes, along with something that felt almost like a comfortable possessiveness. Not his to own, but his to protect and make happy with even small things like a stupid t-shirt.

“Have you worn it again?”

I wanted to deny the truth. “Yeah. I’ve been sleeping in it.”

“How are the nightmares?”

I had to think about that. I’d had a nightmare this morning, but I’d also gone to bed wearing just my boxer briefs. Before that... my eyes unfocused as I went through my recent bedtime timeline. Realization sparked in me more like the slow awakening of a sunrise, then the immediate, glaring brightness of an LED light bulb. I’d worn the t-shirt less than a handful of times because I hadn’t wanted Ben’s sent to fade. That was embarrassing to admit even to myself, so Ben was going to have to deal with not knowing about that particular part of my sudden epiphany. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t hide from myself. I’d had closer to more than just a lot, of bad night since I’d arrived in Florida. But the recent few times when I’d gone to bed smelling like Ben, those nights had been better. Far from premium sleep, because I never slept well. Too many years of keeping my ears alert for the sounds of my parents fighting, and later, possible enemy threats lurking in the dark, made me a light sleeper. So definitely not deep REM sleep, but nothing too notably rough either.

“They were better. I never really go into that deep restorative sleep, but I didn’t wake up screaming, so that’s a good thing. I guess I’m so used to the nightmares I didn’t realize they’d calmed down a little.”

Ben smiled. We can wash some of your clothes at my place. Your sheets too, if you like. Maybe add Ceylon cinnamon and organic powder to your coffee when you’re at Sofias, or at Tara’s if you move in with her. That’s another way to make an association with your new reality so you can fall back on it when you need grounding. I always have both at home.”

“I can do that,” I said, referring to the cinnamon. “But I’m not moving anywhere. Addie and I, well, we talked about a lot of stuff this morning.”

Ben’s brows lifted and held. When our eyes met, I slightly tilted my chin to confirm what he was thinking.

“She asked me to stay, albeit in that backward teenage way of using someone else as the reason. In this case, Emma. But at least she asked. She’s not a little girl anymore. Treating her like one, it wasn’t helping her. I thought it would, but she’s different than most kids her age because of what Connor put her through. I wish she hadn’t had to grow up so fast, but like Max’s mom says, if wishes were fishes, we’d all cast nets.”

After weeks of being home, my hair had grown out enough for my fingers to tangle a bit around my fingers when I raked them through the way strands.

Ben’s hands would have no problem threading through my hair to hold my head in place as he gently fucked my face...

I pushed that thought way down, because this was an emotional moment, and my dick had to wait it’s turn.

“She’s tough. Tougher than Sofia. I love my sister,” I said, leaving off the in-law part because it felt oddly natural now. “But she didn’t act. Adelyn did, and she’s still standing. I think her edges will soften with time now that she knows the truth about her dad.”

“Like yours did?”

I shrugged. “Hopefully sooner than it happened for me. She’s younger and has supports I didn’t. Therapy might help her in the future, but for now she seems happy with the youth group. Both she and Cayden needed a nonjudgemental friend with shared interests like music, so I enlisted his help to keep her away from the horny and stupid masses. All that ink and metal is probably more intimidating than a former operative in a frigging Muppet t-shirt.”

Ben snickered as he took the bottle of water I offered him, before I took another out of the cooler for myself as well.

“Thank you. And that was a good idea. He’s very protective of the girls at Maplewood.”

“Yeah, I remember you saying that. He’s got a mouth on him, but Addie can handle it, and he seems to genuinely give a shit. Sometimes something as simple as knowing you need to have someone else’s back, is all it takes to straighten you out and stop the lone wolf bullshit.”

“Speaking from experience?”

“A little. The military definitely channeled all my angry energy into something more effective, but I’d prefer a lighter touch for Addie, and even for Cayden.” I took a healthy swig from my water bottle. I hummed at the simple pleasure of having my insides soothed with blessed coolness. “I also told Cayden that if he gets his sh— stuff, together,” I said, catching myself before the entire profane word left my mouth. Ben smiled, warm and reassuring, silently showing me that he appreciated the effort. “I told him if he gets himself together, and gives Maplewood a real chance, I’m willing to pay for half of the drum lessons he’s interested in. He’d cover the other half.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” I drained the rest of my water from the bottle, just so I could fidget with the cap. “Creative outlets are good for kids. Keeps them out of trouble. Connor and I obviously didn’t have a lot of options available to us, so if drum lessons give Cayden the incentive to take control of his life, it’s money well spent.”

“Such a softy.”

“Shut up.”

Ben smiled at the lack of heat in my voice, and brushed his fingertips over the hand I had sunk into the sand.

“I think that’s a very kind thing to do, Sam, and actually a great idea. Maybe we can create some kind of program of extracurricular activities for the kids based on what they like. Sort of a reward system? I know a lot of people who’d be willing to donate their time, as well as their money to be part of something like that. Sofia paints. I take photos, and we know a lot of people from the classes we’d taken in the past at a local community center, so I’m sure we could round up other volunteers. We could offer different art and photography classes. There’s also a music therapist in town, who just joined the church. His name’s Ren. I’ve only spoke to him a few times, but he seems like a good guy. Good with people. And animals.” An amused smile crept over his face. “He rides a sports bike, and most of the time, his cat, Milo, is his passenger. Even has his own little helmet.”

“You’re shitting me?” I winced. “Sorry.”

Ben patted my arm. “It’s ok. You’re trying. And nope, he has an actual helmet that matches Ren’s.” He grinned. ”Milo seems to take it all in stride, just as chill as his owner. Ren is probably the most easy-going person I’ve ever met. The kids would lie him because he’s in his early to mid-twenties at most. He’s an adult, but still young enough to be more relatable to them than we might be.”

“That sounds good.”

For about thirty seconds, I contemplated the wisdom of my next words.

Fuck it.

“I don’t know if any of the kids would be interested in learning how to work on cars, but I noticed Maplewood had a pretty big, detached garage. If there’s any extra space in there to set up some basic tools and equipment, I can make myself available to anyone who wants to learn Auto Shop 101.”

My voice was less confident than it’d ever been in the military, but I’d rarely been unsure of any decision I’d made in the field. This was different.

The warm kiss Ben brushed across my mouth was chaste but tender. Completely appropriate for public viewing. A distance wolf whistle still broke up the affectionate moment. I glanced over at a grinning Adelyn. When I gave her the evil eye, she blew us a kiss. Her sunglasses, which had been propped up with one finger, fell back over her eyes as she settled on her towel again, before rolling over onto her belly to enjoy the sunshine on her back.

“Sunscreen!” I called back. I wanted to bark, ‘towel!’ as in wrap yourself up in one because your swimsuit might inspire the homicide of appreciative boys near and far. Reminding her to protect herself against the harmful effects of UV rays, was me being reasonable. Addie wiggled her fingers at me obvious dismissal. Been snickered.

“I know that was rough.”

My grumbling about looking into convents instead of colleges, only widened his smile. “Back to Maplewood. I think a lot of the kids would like that. Even simple things, like learning to change a flat tire, or do an oil change are skills with practical applications, especially when they’re old enough to drive. I can also ask Sloane if she’d like to help out as well.”

“Sloane? She another rescue.”

Ben reached for the bottle of sunscreen Addie had tossed to me earlier, working a generous squirt of it into the already bronzed skin of his arms. “You know the answer to that.”

I smirked. “That’s fair. What’s her story?”

“She’s former military, like you. Not sure which branch, but I know she was a mechanic. Andrew Whelan introduced the two of us. She met him while running at his regular beach spot after police were called because she stopped the potential assault of a young woman.”

“Wow. I’m guessing the guy wasn’t happy after she got done with him. Mechanic or not, she had to get through basic training at the very least. She’s gotta be tough.”

“She is. Almost as heavily inked as Cayden. And from my understanding he wasn’t. Broken ribs and fingers would ruin anyone’s day.”

“Ouch.”

“Uh huh. According to Andrew, Sloane kept him pinned until the police arrived. After she gave her report, Andrew suggested our support group to her. He wouldn’t tell me why, just said they’d talked, and he thought it’d be a good fit. She comes almost every week and listens, though she hasn’t shared anything yet. Stoicism seems to be a military trait.:

I just shrugged. I couldn’t say otherwise. Half the time, the things we did, especially in the Special Forces, were things we couldn’t share with civilians because they lacked the proper clearances. They also lacked the ability to understand certain ugly things, like needing a certain tread on your boots so you wouldn’t slip in puddles of blood. It was just easier to keep your mouth shut until you could think of safe, small talk subjects.

“Having help would be cool, especially if any girls want to learn. Sometimes seeing a strong female doing things traditionally geared towards men can be motivating.”

“I agree and I think she’d enjoy doing something she’s good at during the day. She works nights as a bartender at a club a friend of mine owns. I asked Roman to give her a chance. So far, it’s worked out.”

“I swear, you know people from every walk of life. You’re like a sexy, more with it, Forrest Gump.”

Ben’s laughter washed over me with more warmth than the briny summer breeze coming off the water.

“I prefer, ‘man of the people.’ ”

“Whatever You need to tell yourself, baby.”

I’d dropped the endearment to be a wiseass, but Ben looked delighted, because of course he was. He reached over into my lap to steal a chip. His hand in the bag placed subtle pressure on my groin. When he winked, I knew he’d felt the unmistakable hard outline beneath my swim shorts. Blushing, I gently pushed his hand away, then put two generous handfuls of the ridged potato chips on one of the paper plates I fished out of the bag filled with snacks.

“Killjoy.”

“Perv,” I said back as I popped a chip into my own mouth.

Ben chuckled as he settled the plate between us on the blanket so we could share, and I could keep the bag hiding my lap. Considerate.

I stole a second chip, then looked out at the water. Getting used to the life of a civilian where survival parameters weren't mapped out for me, and orders were replaced by choices, was as difficult a transition as I'd expected. But what I'd rallied hard against when I'd first returned to Florida, was now something I craved desperately. I wanted to belong to this new world. Not just because of Ben, though he was quickly becoming an unnerving catalyst for the change.

"You're thinking again."

I glanced up at Ben, blinking as my case refocused on him. "What?"

"I can hear your brains frying from here," Ben said. He protested when I threw a small handful of sand at him.

"It's a hundred-plus degrees out here. There's not a part of me that isn't fried."

"I can think of a few parts, provided you applied sunscreen. If not, I can help. Strong UV rays can make it through your clothing you know."

Ben's leer was more silly than seductive. I laughed and tossed more sand his way. “Thanks, but I think I’ll survive. Scorching my junk means less trouble for me to get into.”

“Maybe. Aloe salve helps soothe burns. Lube might too.”

"For a priest, you have a dirty mind,” I said, before shrugging. “I guess I'm just wondering when the other shoe will drop," I said, reaching for another chip from our plate.

"What do you mean?"

I gestured toward Sofia and the girls by the waterline. "They seem happy, but the cracks are still there. I temporarily glued them together, but eventually, they’ll crack again.

“And you’ll just glue them again. Eventually, with time, they’ll heal and everything will be alright.” Amusement—most likely at my expense—glinted in Ben’s eyes. "Settle down, Chicken Little. Life has a way of working itself out."

Ben shifted closer to me, then drew a smiley face in the sand beside my hand. A sweep of my palm erased the cheerful grin. I replaced it with a snarling one, complete with jagged teeth.

"Max said something similar. FYI, he also was the one who initially encouraged me to give us,” I said gesturing between Ben and me, “a chance.”

Ben blinked, absolutely speechless for once. “Really?”

“Mm hmm. Though to be fair though, he originally said I might have trouble letting you in, because I’m as trusting as a feral cat.”

“What does that even mean?”

The obvious annoyance in his voice made me smile. Max was Ben’s Andrew Whelan. “He just knows it's difficult for me to do domestic."

“Says the man who makes pancakes for his nieces and took Emma to her last Girl Scout meeting. My cheeks flushed at his knowing look. “Uh huh, I heard about that.”

“Sofia was working, and Adelyn wasn’t home.”

The protest sounded weak even to my own ears. I shoved two chips into my mouth this time to give my brain time to find a better comeback. Sofia had been working, and Adelyn hadn’t been home, but I probably could have gotten Tara to take Emma to her Girl Scout meeting. It just hadn’t occurred to me when I’d instinctively volunteered. We’d had a problem and I’d fixed it. I’d instantly regretted my MacGyver moment when we’d arrived. I’d never been the type to advertise I was gay, but I’d had to make it crystal clear as graciously as possible, more than a few times that night. How was I supposed to know there were that many single, and divorced Girl Scout moms in such a small radius?

“Sam, you’re trying to over complicate everything, because true complications were your normal for long, it’s hard to turn it off. But that’s all over. Now you can let things happen at their own pace now and make your own choices. An easy one, is just to say yes to having coffee with me tonight.”

‘Just coffee?”

“If that’s all you want, then yes. But let’s see how things play out before we set anything in stone?”

"Okay.” My lack of hesitation made Ben blink. He recovered quickly.

“Awesome.”

“Uh huh, but only because I hate seeing grown men beg."

"I'll remove the mirror from my ceiling."