Life in Suspension - 10. Chapter 10 - Forgiveness

I spent three days in the hospital. I slept for most of the first one and a half days, and the rest of the time was just for observation. I was told that I had been lucky - no broken bones, no severe lacerations. My head never hit anything, and the helmet I was wearing did its job. I had two bruised ribs, scrapes, and cuts along my arms, but other than that, I was fine.

Chris was a different story. When I first saw him in the hospital my heart did eventually break allowing some of that emotion to crash through the numbness. He had two broken ribs, one had punctured a lung and caused it to collapse. He had fractured the back of his skull when the helmet he was wearing hit the tree as well as two discs in his neck that had ruptured and had to be replaced with healthy bone from his hips. The doctors were worried about possible spinal damage, but that couldn't be gauged because he was in a coma, on full life support with no real brain activity.

Seeing him on that hospital bed hooked to the machines that kept his body alive is a memory I'll carry with me for the rest of my life.

No one was sure if he would recover, and few doubted he would ever wake up. As long as he was there though I held hope. I held it because I knew if he died, I simply would not be able to recover. It would kill what was left of our family. This was a death I would never get over especially because I was responsible for all of it.

People would tell me that it wasn't my fault, that accidents happen, but that's utter bullshit. If you removed me and my drama from Chris's equation then this so-called accident would never have happened and he'd be at home and school where he belonged living his senior year to its fullest.

When I got out of the hospital, my Dad made me see Gavin. I didn't complain on this one because I had some concerns myself. Stuff I just couldn't tell Dad yet.

"Gavin, I can't feel anything." I was admitted right out of the gate. "I should feel something right? This whole damn thing is my fault just like the stuff before it but I can't feel a damn thing. My brother is probably going to die why can't I feel that?"

Gavin looked at me for a moment, "describe what you feel?"

"I feel nothing. I'm not mad, I'm not happy. I should be bawling my eyes out every day but I'm not. What's wrong with me?"

"So sometimes when we have traumatic things happen to us like with what happened with your brother your brain can do things to protect itself. I've had patients experience a traumatic event that involved a loved one and end up in a catatonic state where they just were not there for a while. I've had others respond to trauma by blocking out certain bits of memory that caused it. And I've had a couple that said the same thing you just did just now." Gavin explained.

"How long does it last?" I asked.

"It's different for everybody Nathan. Usually, some other event triggers the release, with others it just happens with the passage of time and talking about it."

"I don't like feeling this way."

"No one does. How do you feel right now?"

"Right now? I feel fine, that's what worries me. It feels like I can think about stuff without being wound up in it. I've never been a woe-as-me person but my brother could die and I should feel something more than I do. I love him with everything I've got. I don't feel the same as I did when my mom got sick and died." I tried to explain, unsure I was being clear enough.

"The first time we lose a loved one like that is always the hardest one that hits. I know of an example of someone who not only lost both parents, a close uncle, and three close friends all in 18 months. By all accounts, he should be a raving alcoholic hating the world but he has an inner strength a lot of people don't somehow. You could have that too."

"I'm not special Gavin." I scoffed.

"I'm not saying you are Nathan, but in a sense, we are all special. After your mom died, you were a very angry person. That anger helped you cope with it, it kept you going. Now anger is not a healthy coping mechanism at all. But it still got you through it. It made you tough on the inside, it gave you some strength, and thankfully stopped before it pushed you over the deep end."

"So maybe this toughness you're talking about is maybe why I feel the way I do?"

"It very well could be. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do Nathan, and as events change I'm sure you will feel accordingly."

"But what if I don't? That's what I'm worried about. What if Chris dies tomorrow and I can't cry. I want to cry for him Gavin, I want to be able to mourn that loss. I love him."

"I know you do Nate. I wish I could say that when the time comes you will feel what you should feel but I can't. What I can do though is when that time comes help you get there should you need it."

I flopped back in my chair and mulled over that for a minute then responded, "Thanks. I'll take what I can get."

"Let's switch for a moment, tell me about Corey."

"What's to tell? I love him, we had that talk in the park you know before…"

"Say it."

I sighed and flopped back against the chair, "Before the accident on the bike."

"And?"

"Corey hit me when I mentioned Max's name, that's the guy who decided it was a great idea to kiss me. I expected him to do more than that but he didn't. We ended up in a discussion about why he was really mad at me."

I paused to collect my thoughts before continuing, "I used to refer to him as a lug-head, for some reason he liked it and took it as a term of endearment. He's on the spectrum, at the high-functioning end but you can still tell. The morning I left his house the last time I called him by his name instead of that dysfunctional term of endearment. He seemed hurt by it and I told him it wasn't right for me to keep saying it. Well, I did say it, during that confrontation in the cafeteria that's what I called him and he said I said it in such a way that he felt hurt by it. Like we didn't mean anything, and that I made fun of everything he was with it."

Gavin nodded, "so he wasn't bothered about being outed?"

I shook my head, "Corey is special Gavin. He's very selective about what he cares to care about. Someone made a comment to us once in the locker room because he was changing next to me and he blew the dude off like he didn't matter. Corey didn't care about that stuff. He doesn't do labels, he doesn't care what people think all that is just noise to him. I admire his ability to see the world the way he does, and sometimes wish I had it myself."

"Maybe you do. Or at least now you do."

"What do you mean?" I asked staring at him intently.

"Well, you said it yourself earlier. You are worried about not feeling what you think you should be feeling. Ever think somehow something inside of you tripped something so you could see things with the ability you admire?"

"So it's possible that either the punch to the face I took or the accident itself did something?"

"I'm not saying either of those events but remember the last time you were here and we talked about the depression you may have been falling into?" Gavin asked making me remember.

"I don't feel that now at all."

"You've had other things to think about since then."

"No shit." I quipped.

"Do you still feel as guilty as before?"

"I actually feel more guilt than I ever have in my life, not only for Corey but Chris too. I told Corey that I loved him, that I made many mistakes and I didn't expect him to like me back. I fucked up, and that this was the price I had to pay for it. I told him I'd be fine and maybe I'd learn something from it."

I stared off into nothing as Gavin worked on his notes. "I don't like myself right now Gavin." That made him stop writing and put the pen down. "I feel like I have so much to pay for that I can never pay back. I don't deserve Corey, I don't deserve Chris."

"Nathan, I'm going to tell you right now something very important that you must always remember from this point on. Yes, you made mistakes, yes those mistakes hurt people and sadly yes those mistakes may cost someone their life. They were not made with the intention to hurt or kill anyone. They were not made with malice in mind. It was a series of incorrect choices. Everybody has the power of choice, what they don't tell you is choice is a fifty-fifty percent game of chance. None of us can predict the future, life wouldn't be worth living if we could. Just because you made mistakes doesn't mean you aren't worthy of love. It's easy for us to forgive others, but it feels like it's impossible to forgive ourselves."

I thought about that for a moment, "I don't know if I can."

"Maybe not right now, but you will."

It was a week after the accident when I finally made an appearance at school. It was a pretty dreary day and looked like it would rain at some point. Fall was in full swing, we weren't far off from my birthday towards the end of October not that I was looking forward to it anyway.

Jessica had driven me to school and would be for the short term until my situation changed with my license status, again another thing that didn't matter right now.

Physically I was feeling better, my chest still hurt but at least the skin around those bruised ribs was no longer yellow and green. Now it was more purple and red, and still did hurt to the touch, but at least now I could bend down without regretting it.

I wasn't paying attention when she opened the front door for me and we stepped inside. I was still lost in thought thinking about what Gavin had told me while looking at the ground.

Jessica gently nudged me and whispered my name, "Nathan."

I glanced up and my jaw dropped. The lobby and atrium were filled with people, all of them staring at me. First in line were the basketball team, including Corey, and Max. Following them were the senior varsity football team in their letterman jackets, and then Chris's friends and seemingly the entire senior class.

No one said a word.

They all stood silently at attention with their feet spread and their hands cupped in front of them and they were all looking at me. They were concerned, some were afraid, but it was clear about how they felt about Chris. He was loved by everyone, just like he had loved everybody else. And now it looked like that love was meant for me too even if I still felt I didn't deserve it.

Coach Yates came forward and broke the silence, "Nathan on behalf of myself and everyone else that is standing here this morning you have first our thoughts and our prayers." He said with a pause then held up a basketball jersey.

"Second no matter what happens, out of respect for your brother, we are retiring his number that he's held since his freshman year, and we want you to wear it once last time before we do at the first game. If you still want to play that is."

"Of course I do." I choked, "I still want to play even if it's just to honor him."

Everyone clapped as I took the jersey and looked at it. It was literally a replica of his just in my size, and it's something I still have even to this day.

"I just want to say," I started trying not to choke again. "My brother Chris loves you all and would do anything for any of you if you needed him to. What you're doing now for my benefit is something he would be proud of all of you for doing. But…."

I looked down closed my eyes and counted to five. "You shouldn't be doing anything for my benefit at all. The accident was my fault, not his. I made the wrong choice and Chris paid the price." I said echoing what Gavin had said about choices, and how I really felt about the whole situation.

I felt Coach Yates take a few steps closer, and his hand clamped on my shoulder.

"Son, even if that is true, no one here is going to blame you for anything. Bad stuff happens to good people regardless of the choice, and who is at fault. It's like Nathan. If you need to talk about it my door is always open." Yates said as he patted my shoulder.

"Thanks, Coach. Thank you all. I do appreciate it."

The crowd started to disperse, and a few people stayed behind to talk to me. The person who surprised me the most was Brett Patterson, the Captain of the senior varsity football team. He extended his hand, and I shook it. "Hey man, I'm sorry about Chris. He's probably the best guy that ever walked," he said.

"Thank you that means a lot."

"I just want you to know, we're done with anyone messing with you for the rest of the year. I'm sorry we didn't step up earlier. Anyone who knows your brother knows how much he loves you, so now everyone knows. So if someone gives you grief, tell a senior any senior. The entire class is in agreement on this, because we all love Chris too."

Brett pulled me into a bear hug, "We're here for you Nathan, anything you need."

I nodded and quickly cleared the tears that were trying to form in my eyes as we separated. Jessica held back and waited for the others to clear.

"You did this didn't you," I said as we started walking towards my locker.

"I helped, it wasn't all me." She said with a smile.

I saw Corey again as we walked by and I gave him a respectful nod and mouthed 'thank you' for any part he played in this and gave me a nod in return.

"We still need to fix that," Jessica commented as we walked on.

"It doesn't seem important right now with everything else going on."

"You should talk to him."

"I did Jess, that's what caused all this remember?" I sighed as I opened my locker.

"It doesn't change what I said."

"I know but I don't know what to do or say. I don't want him to come back out of pity from my latest situation, plus this seriously isn't the time."

"Nathan, nobody in this building is doing anything for you out of pity, that includes Corey. People care." She replied then quickly kissed my cheek. "I'll see you later okay?"

I tried to smile at the gesture and nodded returning to the task at hand. I grabbed what I needed for the first two classes of the day and shut my locker. The warning bell sounded letting me know I was cutting it close.

Despite what Jessica told me, I didn't want to be a burden. Nor did I want people to do things because they felt an obligation to do so, to me that erased the whole meaning of the gesture, to begin with. I just wasn't used to people doing nice things because they cared. I wasn't my brother, he was the heart of the family, plus all the guilt I was carrying around seemed to be growing.

Because of this, I was uncomfortable when people approached me to share things about Chris at first. Some just wanted to let me know they were thinking about him, others would share a quick story about their interactions and memories and a couple broke completely apart because he had genuinely done something for them that made their lives better.

Those were the hard ones to swallow. I knew me and Chris had a strong bond, but I had no idea that his heart had been so big to express what he gave me to everyone he came across. It ended up being a very emotional day.

That first day back I saw more than just glimpses of Corey. Usually, it happened when I was lost in thought, and I'd give him an attempt at a smile which probably wasn't a smile at all but I wanted him to know that I did notice he was there.

I missed him.

I really wanted to say something to him but I didn't know what. So I didn't even try. I labored on trying to not talk to anyone, but still listened to anyone with anything to say. That day dragged on forever and I was grateful that it was over.

Until the ride home.

I saw my Dad's Mercedes parked out front waiting for me and I climbed in without question.

"So how was it?" He asked as we meandered through the other cars trying to get out to the main road.

"About what I expected. They're going to retire Chris's number in Basketball and they want me to wear it on our first game."

"Damn."

"Everybody there loves him, Dad."

He gave my knee a reassuring pat. Then sighed and glanced at me in a way that made me uncomfortable.

"Listen, Nathan, I need to have a serious talk with you about something." He said keeping his eyes on the road. "I'm not blaming anybody for what happened, but you made a bad call buddy about taking the bike like you did. You know the rules. You knew you were supposed to tell someone if you were riding alone, and I absolutely told the both of you that going anywhere near town was totally off limits, and that riding at dusk was forbidden."

"I know," I commented in agreement.

"We've been through a lot Nate with your mom, and now we've got this thing with Chris to get through. If I have to lose not only my wife but also one of my kids, then... I don't know Nate I can't lose you too. Chris is bad enough but both of you would absolutely destroy me."

I wiped a tear away from my right eye before it had a chance to fall.

"I don't want to limit your freedom. I don't want to ground you either. But I need you to, no that's not right. I'm begging you to stay home for a while until this isn't so raw. I need to know you are someplace safe Nathan. I can't get another phone call like I did before, I just can't man."

"Okay." I managed to croak out.

"You have my permission to visit anyone in our neighborhood. You have my permission to invite anybody you want to the house. Hell, you can invite a whole crowd if you want and throw a party, but please do not leave the neighborhood. Promise me, Nathan."

"I promise Dad," I said as I rubbed my arm across my nostrils and sniffed.

"Thank you. Here." He said handing me a card. "It's one of my credit cards. Use this for whatever you want. Order whatever you need and have it delivered. Food, games, stuff you need. But be responsible with it. If you're responsible with it and respect what I'm giving you I won't question anything that shows up on the bill. Deal?"

"Yes, Dad."

"I don't want to limit your ability to experience this part of your life Nathan, this is more for my sanity than it is for any kind of punishment. I love you and your brother both with everything that I am. I'm going to be home more in the evenings as well. I've ignored you guys way too much. I haven't been the dad I should have been. If this is anyone's fault it's mine."

"I love you, Dad." I managed to squeak out.

"I love you too Nathan."

"Dad?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

"What are we going to do for food? Chris is the only one out of us three that can cook without setting off the smoke detectors."

"I'll call Carla and set up a deal with the restaurant. You know the one you and Corey went to. By the way, how is that going?" He asked genuinely.

"It's still fucked up Dad. I don't think I can fix it."

"Well hang in there, all hope isn't lost yet."

Dad dropped me off at the house and then went back to work. I realized that after talking to Dad, me getting my license even though I had a permit, and practical lessons from him and Chris the last year I wasn't going to get it any time soon. If I did all Dad would do was worry about getting that phone call that told him his last kid was dead and I just couldn't do that to him so I wasn't going to push.

I had a mountain of work that needed to be done from the week I was gone and I wasn't going to disappoint anyone any further by letting that slip so I spent the rest of that afternoon and early evening doing school work in silence. I kept waiting for Chris to come bounding down the stairs, or to rip through the front door with that smile plastered on his face he always wore, to joke with me, talk to me. His not being here was half the joy that happened in this house, it seemed so empty with both him and Mom out of the picture.

It was a couple of days later while working on that mountain of homework when the doorbell rang, interrupting the math I was catching up on. I answered the door and was surprised to see who was standing on the other side.

"Can we come in?" Linda Andrews asked, with Carla standing beside her.

"We brought you and your Dad some stuff." They held up some bags that had the logo of Carla's restaurant on the side.

"Uh yeah, come on in," I said as I pulled the door open and stepped aside so they could enter.

"I'm sorry, you two were the last people I'd expect over here."

I lead them into the kitchen and they set the bags on the kitchen island.

"Why?" Carla asked as they both looked at me.

"Because of what happened between me and Corey," I responded feeling ashamed of myself.

"Told ya." Linda quipped as she gave Carla a look. Carla swatted gently at her arm in response. "We know Nathan. Corey told us all about it. He even told us about the park and the fact he hit you."

"He's been grounded for the last week and a half for doing it." Carla chimed in.

"I'm not mad that he did it."

"That's not the point. He knows better." Linda admonished. "It's one thing to be mad, it's another to use that anger to put your hands on somebody else like that."

"Still."

"Corey is hurt or was hurt. I'm not sure what he's feeling right now because he won't talk to us about it. When he got the message about you and your brother, he freaked out. Totally lost his shit. How he feels about you has not changed at all, even with the hurt. He was there that night when they admitted you. He begged your Dad to let us see you, and he sat at your side for two hours just holding your hand, until they kicked us out." Linda explained as she started unpacking the bags.

"He calmed down after that and went back to normal. Then he started talking with that Max kid he had a problem with." Carla added.

"Max's dad Steven was the paramedic who found us. I guess he told Max after we got to the hospital, and Jessica Bartlett says Corey was the first person he told."

"Well, that little act changed how Corey feels about Max. And Jessica is a sweetheart she's been at the house a few times while Corey was grounded to talk, it seems to have helped."

I raised both eyebrows, this was news to me. "Jess is like my best friend, a sister really, and she was starting to like Corey when we got together."

"She said as much when we first met her, that's why we let her come over when he was grounded," Carla said with a chuckle. "She's a lot like me."

"Sweet and innocent?" I offered half joking.

"A total ass-kicker."

"That's Jess."

"Nathan," Linda started as she came over to me crossing her arms. "Carla and I have been talking... I know your dad works a lot, and you're kind of alone here in the afternoons but if you ever need a company you can always come over to our place."

"I don't want to put you out," I said immediately.

"It's not putting anybody out dear, with what you've been through you need people around you."

"I'm sorry but-"

"No buts Nathan," Carla added.

"I… I can't" I said sniffing a little. "I can't do that to Corey. I was confused about how I felt when I left your house that morning and all that caused all this. I've already hurt him, I've hurt Chris, my dad, and now everyone at school. All I've done is hurt people. I can't hurt anyone else, especially Corey. I miss him and I love him but I just can't. I just can't hurt anyone especially him not again!" I repeated as tears finally fell. "God I'm such a fuck up."

Carla reached me first as she was the closest and scooped me up into her arms as I started to fall apart.

"I'm so fucking sorry." I wailed as everything started bubbling up. "Please forgive me." I felt like I broke into a million pieces, Carla held me tight and glanced at Linda who quickly left the room.

"It's okay Nathan, let it all out." She soothed me as she rubbed my back. "Just let it all go."

That made me cry even harder. It had been so long since I felt a touch that felt like mom. It was like I was starved from it. I sank against Carla who continued to just hold me silently. I was crying so hard that I lost track of time and I didn't even hear the front door open.

"Nathan?" A new voice sang from the entry to the kitchen.

My body shook and I turned and saw him standing there staring right into my soul.

"Corey, no don't please. I'll just hurt you again, that's all I do. I'm a fuck up, I can't help it. I don't want to fuck you up like I did Chris!" I sobbed, backing into Carla and causing her to take a step back.

"Come here," Corey said gently as he took a step toward us.

"I can't!"

"You can."

"Why?"

"Because before anything else I'm your friend," Corey replied.

I took a step forward as I tried to take the initiative but lost that battle. Corey came to me instead and that sweet smell of musk invaded my senses as I fell into him. Linda and Carla enveloped all of us as I cried and couldn't cry anymore.

The tears felt like they weren't ever going to stop, but finally they did. Carla Linda and Corey made sure I ate, they ate as well and there was plenty left for my Dad when he got home.

"When does your Dad get home?" Carla asked.

"I'm not sure it usually varies. He said he was going to be home in the evenings more."

"I'm going to call him," Carla said excusing herself as I started clearing the plates.

"Nathan, sit. I've got this." Linda said.

I sat back down next to Corey who had just finished his plate.

"I'm sorry," I said absently.

"Wasn't it me that was always apologizing, or at least trying to apologize at one point?" He asked.

"Yeah, and I kept shutting you down."

"Well, now I get to do that to you."

"But I don't deserve-"

"You don't get to dictate who I spend my time with. Just like I can't dictate who you spend your time with."

That made me stop. I sat silently as Linda and Corey cleaned up around me.

"Okay, it's set. David said yes." Carla said as she entered the room.

"Corey, did you bring your stuff?" Linda asked.

"It's in my car."

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Nobody likes you being here by yourself Nathan, not with Chris gone." Linda explained, "So you've got two choices. Either you spend time with us or Corey stays here."

"Well three options, we could also just bounce you guys back and forth like a tennis ball." Carla chuckled.

"I'm spending the night," Corey said as he passed me to pick up the next round of items going into the dishwasher.

"Don't I get a say in this?" I asked.

"Of course you do." Linda smiled.

"I'm spending the night," Corey repeated.

"I don't need-"

"Yes, you do. Your Dad already agreed." Carla said cutting me off.

"Well at least let us pay for the foo-" I said pulling out the card Dad gave me.

"Don't need it," Carla said cutting me off again.

"Why?" I asked.

"It's already on the family comp account just like the rest of stuff that's coming every night until I tell someone to stop," Carla explained.

"Carla you don't have to."

"You're right I don't but we are. Nathan, you Chris your Dad are already family. You attained that status the second you walked into our house that first time."

"That was the only time."

"It doesn't matter," Linda said backing Carla up. "All three of us have already decided, well four if you count your father. I'm sure Chris would vote our way too so there you have it."

"Guys…"

"Nathan, do you want Corey to leave?" Linda asked gently as she kneeled beside me.

I took a deep breath and let it out closing my eyes for a minute and rubbed them with my hands.

"If you want me to leave I will," Corey said with a little sadness.

I closed my eyes for a moment and thought about it. Part of me still felt he shouldn’t be here but that tone in his voice made me cave. "No. You can stay."

"Good. It's settled."

"I don't deserve any of you."

"But we deserve you. Come here." Linda replied pulling me into another hug. "It'll be okay Nathan. All of us will get you through this. Corey included."

I silently accepted what they offered. I still felt that I didn't deserve it but it was given to me anyway. Corey disappeared as Linda and Carla finished cleaning up.

"Do you have everything?" Linda asked as Corey came back inside carrying his backpack and a sports bag that seemed loaded.

"Yes, I have what I need for school and a few changes of clothes."

"Good. Nathan's had a day so, get him upstairs, showered, and in bed."

"I will."

"We done?" Carla asked as she approached us.

"Yes." Linda turned to me. "Go pack up that stuff you were working on. Corey should be finished by the time you are." Linda kissed me on the forehead and gave me another hug. "Call us, or have Corey call if you need anything dear."

"I will."

"Good," Carla said as she too gave me a hug and a peck on the forehead. "Looks like we gained a couple more kids."

"Yep. Let's go doll. Good night Nathan."

Linda and Carla left leaving me and Corey alone. It was still pretty early but I was dog tired. I followed the instructions I was given and packed up the makeup work I had been doing. I hadn't been given a due date for any of it but I really wanted to make sure I got it done as quickly and correctly as possible and I had a good start already before the waterfall of tears. Once my bag was packed back up I carried it upstairs.

Corey was in my room hanging some stuff in my closet. "Do you mind if some of this goes in your dresser?"

"No, uh do what you need to do Corey," I said flatly as I sat at the edge of the bed.

Corey finished emptying his bag then went through my dresser pulling out a few things. "You have towels in the bathroom?"

"Yeah there's a linen cabinet in there that is full of them," I explained.

"Good, now strip." He ordered.

"What? Why?"

"Shower, you'll feel better."

I silently stood up and started stripping down to my boxers.

"Do you mind if I shower with you? We've done it before."

"You sure?"

"Yes," Corey replied as he pulled off his shirt and started stripping down to his boxers. He grabbed the small pile of clothes and followed me into the bathroom that was across the hall from my door.

"I always wanted a shower like this, it's big," Corey stated as I turned on the dual shower heads.

"This bathroom used to have a garden tub in it. When me and Chris got older my dad had it ripped out and we put this in. Since we had to share a bathroom they decided on this giant setup in case we both had to be in it at the same time." I explained as I tested the water temperature and then stripped out of my boxers. Corey quickly followed me in.

"Together?" Corey asked.

"Sometimes yeah. Some people would think that's weird but Chris has always played basketball, and I've always showered in PE so it's not like any funny business is going on. That's just gross. Chris is probably the reason why I'm not so bashful about it at school. It's just something you need to get done so just do it." I explained with a shrug as I started with the body wash.

I had my back to Corey as I scrubbed down my chest and arms. I ducked my head under to get a good spray on my hair then backed up.

"Here. Hold still." Corey instructed as I felt his hands going through my hair. I didn't question it, he had found the shampoo and was slowly working it through the back of my scalp. I closed my eyes and just leaned back into his hands a little bit because I'll admit, it felt good.

"Your hair is thicker than it looks." He commented.

"I know that's why some of it ends up curling. Sometimes it can be a bitch to maintain though."

"Lean forward."

I did as instructed and Corey gently rinsed the shampoo out of my hair.

"If you touch me below the shoulders I'm going to get hard. Just so you know," I warned as he finished.

"I'm already hard. So it's okay." Corey said softly as I felt the loofah run against my shoulders.

I kept my eyes closed and just let him do what he wanted. It didn't take long for my warning to come true. Corey was all business though, yes he did make sure that was clean then left me to rinse and soak a little more under the warm spray till he was done washing himself.

"You good?" He asked and I responded with a nod. With the water shut off, I pulled a couple of towels off the rack and handed him one. He was pretty quick with the job because he had time to do me as well.

"Do you want to sleep in boxers only or?" Corey asked me as he picked up a couple of items from the small pile he brought in.

"It's what I usually sleep in."

"I was wondering because you know… If your dad came in or something."

"He doesn't care Corey. In fact, he thought we were already having sex."

"Technically we did."

"Yeah, but he thought we went, you know all the way," I said with a blush as he handed me a clean pair of boxers.

"Oh. Okay." He said as he slipped on a clean pair for himself. He picked up the shorts and shirts anyway and followed me back into the bedroom. "Be right back," Corey said before he left the room.

I sat on the edge of the bed and attempted to get the mess of hair that was on my head to comply with the brush I kept on my nightstand.

"I shut everything down, downstairs and locked the door," Corey said as he reappeared and shut the bedroom door.

I glanced at the clock. "It's only 8:30."

"Tired?" He asked.

"Totally drained."

Corey climbed into bed behind me and got under the covers. I finished with my hair and did the same dimming the lamp to its lowest setting.

"Come here," Corey whispered softly.

I looked at the spot he wanted to be and bit my lip.

"Nate, come here please." He whispered again just as quietly, "I need you as much as you need me."

"I don't want to hurt you again Corey."

"Shhh…" He replied giving me a gentle kiss on my forehead.

I gave in and curled up at his side with my head burrowed in the crook of his neck. I intertwined my legs around one of his and the smell of sweet musk once again overloaded my senses. Corey wrapped an arm around my back and held me close nuzzling his nose into my forehead.

I draped my arm across his chest and in that moment felt Corey's heart beating, his steady breathing, and his warmth; Gavin was right because this was the event, the time, when suddenly I was able to feel what I couldn't before.

Now I could feel all of it.