Those Left Behind - 23. Fragilities

Ludo woke early and just couldn’t get back to sleep. It had been something of a week; as he tried to persuade sleep to return, all his anxieties about Damian (and Adam), Arthur, the case, Jackie and more whizzed round and round in his head. He was aware that Arthur was absent from the bed and eventually he started to worry about this too. There was no sound of anything like the toilet flushing, in fact no sound at all, bar the usual night-time noises of the estate. Finally, Ludo stuck out a hand and checked, Arthur’s side of the bed was cold.

Damn.

Things had been difficult, getting used to each other, the stresses of the case and the attendant publicity mixed up with the strains of a new relationship and moving in together far too soon. They’d been tiptoeing around each other, trying not to disrupt, rather than addressing things. Ludo couldn’t imagine coping without Arthur; just thinking about it made him feel cold. Relations with Jackie had been up and down, lively, but in the early days they had always talked (or shouted), it was only latterly that silence had descended. Now it seemed that Arthur didn’t really argue, instead he went quiet, and Ludo wasn’t used to that, didn’t know how to deal with it.

Finally, Ludo gave up lying there worrying and went downstairs. Arthur was sitting on the living room floor, sort of cross-legged, apparently meditating. It was something Ludo had never quite got the hang of. Oh, he knew the basics, but when he tried life seemed to get in the way. He knew Arthur had used to be in the habit of meditating, but with four of them in the house and so much going on, there never seemed time. Rather than disturb him, Ludo sat down (not on the floor) and tried to remember his meditation lessons, concentrating on his breathing, letting the outside noises drift away, trying to bat away his circling thoughts. He managed something, for brief moments, before another worry came cascading into the space, but somehow, he batted each one away.

“Blimey, I thought you didn’t go for meditation”, Arthur was smiling and staring at him.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you, and thought I’d try again.”

“And?”

Ludo shrugged, “Well, it wasn’t a complete failure.”

“Perhaps we should do this regularly?”

“What, at 6am?”

Arthur smiled again, “Well, it’s quiet and there’s little chance of interruption. Anyway, why are you up? I didn’t disturb you, did I?”

“I wasn’t aware of it, but I’ve been waking early and not going back to sleep, stuff just goes round and round in my head.”

“Tell me about it! But you won’t solve a problem by worrying about it, fretting, and losing sleep. So, perhaps we should have a regular 6am rendezvous. After all, I’m not sleeping well either and we probably disturb each other. Look, how about we try Gran’s method?”

“Which is?” Ludo hadn’t even known Arthur had a grandmother.

“Make a list.” Arthur stood up, “Look, the boys won’t be up for ages, yet.”

“You hope!”

“Let’s go into the kitchen, I’ll make coffee, and you make a list. OK?”

“OK…” Was this a good idea?

So, as Arthur made coffee, Ludo tried to make a list.

* The Case

* General anxiety and foreboding

* Will it come to trial?

* Visiting Jackie in Jail

The list went on and on, but at the bottom was one single extra line, Arthur – he’s been quiet, are we OK?

When Ludo went to get his coffee, he handed the list to Arthur.

“Wow, you certainly are comprehensive. You worry about all this?”

“All the time?”

“And I thought….”, there was a pause, “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

Arthur put the paper down and gave Ludo a big hug.

“There’s no problem, it’s just. Well, me. I’ve never lived with anyone since Adam’s Mother died, and we didn’t really live together properly. That had never been the idea, and before then I was a loner. So, I’m not used to it, and I don’t cope well with the busy-ness.”

“Why don’t you just say?”

Arthur stared at him and bit his lip. He then took a sip of coffee, “Because, sometimes, it’s difficult to get the words out.” He held up a hand, preventing Ludo’s response, “It’s not you, it’s with everyone. Sometimes the words go round and round in my head, but they won’t come out.”

“Shit. I didn’t realise.”

“Why should you. With you, we had such an easy relationship that I’d imagined things developing gradually, easing things along, the way it happened with Maria. But then we were suddenly here. And, well, Adam’s different. Kids are so fucking demanding; you have to say something.”

“So, you want me to be demanding too, another big kid.” That got a grin out of Arthur, which was something. “Fuck. Aren’t we a pair. The two of us going to pieces. So, what were you not saying to me?”

“Stupid stuff. Lack of quiet, like now. Lack of me time and proper us time. Wanting my old life back, but not wanting to lose you. That sort of stuff.”

“Look. I don’t know how I’d cope without you, but I would. And I’d rather we survive, even if we don’t live together, than we stay like this and collapse.”

To his shock and surprise, he found Arthur was crying. It was normally Ludo who felt like bursting into tears and Arthur was the silent support. Ludo had no idea what to do so he simply hugged him and sort of did what he’d done to Damian when he was younger.

Arthur blew his nose noisily, “Sorry, that was a bit ridiculous.”

“Not a bit, better to get it out. Perhaps we should both have a good cry together now and again?”

“Christ, and have the boys find us?” And the two started laughing, a trifle hysterically.

“Let’s be practical. Do what we can.”

“OK”, Arthur’s answer was thoughtful, rather than positive.

“I think this 6am thing is a good idea. A bit of quiet time, meditate, talk, without the boys.”

“Quiet before the storm?”

“Maybe get in the habit of not always watching the late film.”

“Aww”, Arthur’s outrage was thankfully mocking, head on one side, eyes sparkling.

“And if there’s something bothering you, write me a note, or email.” Arthur blinked at him but said nothing. “I’m serious. I’d rather that, than have you struggling to tell me, and have me wandering round wondering what’s bothering you. OK?”

“Ok.”

“So, what else?”

“The boys.”

Ludo gave a bitter smile, “Shit, that needs more coffee.”

Damian had been restive for the last week or so, or rather more restive than usual with less of his bounce and this had passed to Adam. Or maybe the two were beginning to suffer the same strains as their parents. It had culminated in arguments yesterday, both morning and evening, sulks and tantrums. And all over trivial things. Today was the party of a mutual friend at school and they had been invited, weeks ago, and had been looking forward to it. Till recently. Suddenly neither boy wanted to go yet couldn’t give coherent reasons why. When pressed, the boys had turned sulky; it had rubbed both Ludo and Arthur up the wrong way, and they had not dealt with it well.

Arthur looked at him, “The stuff yesterday, it wasn’t really about the party, was it?”

“Course, not. But they’re only ten, they don’t have the frame of mind to talk to us about being worried about the future, about court cases, about what their friends might say. Do you reckon there’s any problems at school, bullying and stuff?”

“Bound to be something, but the school say they are monitoring things.”

“What we need is a holiday.”

Arthur gave a thin smile, “But the problem is that you take yourself with you.”

“Meaning the boys would still argue and we’d wake up at 6am worrying.”

“Yep. And you’d fret that the police wouldn’t know how to get hold of you.”

“Shit. So, bang goes the holiday.”

“But I have an idea.”

By 10 am they were on their way. An apologetic message had been left regarding the party, and the four had piled into the car. The two men had backpacks full of food and useful things, the boys had smaller versions. They were off to Damian’s favourite place, the Arboretum. But not their usual sort of trip. There was a longer, extended walking route which would take them to the top of an adjacent hill, with a landmark tower. The boys regarded the tower as something old and interesting, though truth to be told it was built in the late 19th century as an eye-catcher ruin.

There weren’t too many people around, no-one got bitten, burned, or stung, no-one’s shoes chafed. There were plenty of trees for Damian to look at and draw, and to hide behind; he was only ten after all, and both he and Adam seemed to delight in being childish, occasionally. They stopped frequently to get their breaths back, to look at the views and simply to mess around and enjoy themselves. It took a couple of hours or so to get to the top, far longer than the guidebook said (they should try it with two lively kids).

Once there, the tower was a bit of a let-down, but the views were terrific and there was even an ice-cream cart. The boys were very disappointed to find that there was a road up, they could have driven. Ludo had grinned, “But it wouldn’t have been as much fun.”

They picnicked on the top of the hill, though truth to be told the boys had been grazing continually. Then made their way down. More sedately generally, with moments of madness as the boys ran and one or other parent ended up shouting at them to stop. All good fun; sort of. Then there was the usual end of visit activities, visits to the toilets, to the craft stalls, to the shop. But Damian wanted to talk.

“Why did we come, Dad?”

“Well, to have a break.”

“But yesterday you said…”

“Dads can get things wrong too. Arthur and I had a talk this morning and decided that we were all getting a bit too wound up. That it would be better to take some time out. For ourselves. OK?”

“OK” Damian bit his tongue, “It’s just. There’s times when I wish we could disappear.”

“We could, or you could?”

“Well, both. Sometimes.” He looked guilty. “Adam’s great, but”, he sighed, “You know, it’s nice just the two of us.”

“Point taken. And sometimes Arthur and I need a break. We’ll try and do that. But”, he took his son’s hands in his, “you are allowed to say something, it’s not a problem. There might be things in the way”, Damian gave a theatrical sigh, “but there’ll also be times when we can do things like this, just the two of us.”

“OK. Thanks Dad” and Damian kissed him, something that usually only happened in private, kissing was soppy.

Arthur drove home, so Ludo was able to read the text from Gordy when it came. ‘U guys around? Nice weather for a sprinkler. I’d be up for a visit?’ The boys were delighted by the idea. And it was indeed nice weather. Both the boys would be red come evening; they’d managed to dodge some of the sun cream duty. But still…

When Gordy arrived, they were all feeling nicely chilled. The boys were messing around under the sprinkler, delighted to have an excuse to take their clothes off. When Gordy appeared, they shouted for him to join them, he looked at Ludo and Arthur who shrugged and grinned. After much heart searching, they’d concluded that Gordy was indeed harmless. And he was fun.

The upshot was inevitable, the two men joined Gordy and the three kids for an extended naked, wet wrestling match cum game of tag. Ludo was sure that child protection would have something to say, but it did seem to be simple fun. The boys were the last out of the water, and by then it was getting cooler. Still just about warm enough, as the boys went upstairs to play more (computer) games the three men, still naked, chatted over a drink.

“You guys OK like this”, Gordy gestured to his crotch, “I forget not everyone grew up a heathen like me.”

“We’re getting used to it. I think the boys would love to spend their life like this.”

“Why don’t you?”

“For a start, some nosey parker would report us.”

“Aye, always nosey besoms around. Still…”

“And we are in the public eye. Somewhat.”

“Somewhat?” Gordy got serious, “I read all the stuff the other weekend. Terrible rubbish. How do people print such stuff?”

“It sells.”

“Aye. And are you OK?”

“Well. Holding together.”

“But only just.”

Adam looked rueful, “We sort of came apart at the seams this week. So, we decided to play hooky, abandoned chores and birthday parties today and took the boys up to the old tower at the Arboretum.”

“The eye-catcher on Horse-cross Hill?”

“Yes, that’s the one.”

“Och, that’s a great walk for lads. They enjoy it?”

“Yep. And so did we?”

They talked on other stuff for a bit, but Gordy went uncharacteristically quiet and thoughtful.

“Look, sorry I sort of bailed on you guys over the last couple of weeks.”

“Well, we could have contacted you.”

“For Gawd’s sake, you’ve enough on your plates. It’s just. Well, Alessio presented me with a bombshell.”

They both stared at him, they’d had snippets of his vain pursuit of the young man and wondered what else could happen.

“He finishes at the end of this term, and he said that once he’s stopped working for me, he’s up for something. More than that, he’s got a job at Arlington’s, they’re the big nursery over the way, so he’ll be around.”

“Wow.”

His eyes gleamed, “And, we went on a date.”

“A date? You mean, formal like, a nice meal?”

“Aye. Candles and all, at the bistro pub in Wenderby, taxi there’n back, holding hands under the table, great food, great conversation.”

“And?”

Gordy grinned, “No sex. Yet. I amazed myself.”

“You think you can hack it?”

He shrugged, “Not sure, but want to give it a try. Getting a bit long in the tooth to be catting around all the time. I wondered what just one guy would be like.”

They grinned, “Like us boring folk.”

As they dressed and packed up to go inside to get food ready, Gordy had another surprise. “What you said about today. Well, it struck me. Mebbe you two guys could to with time to yourselves. How about if I take the boys on a walk one afternoon. Next weekend maybe? Give you a chance just to chill by yourselves.”

They both smiled. It seemed a brilliant idea and might do the boys good too.