Moshi Moshi - 1. Chapter 1

March 10, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Why? I’m so angry with you right now. Like this is beyond any angry I’ve ever been. Even more than when you borrowed my bike when we were ten and crashed into the fence at the bottom of the hill. You deserved to face-plant into it so hard you had the imprint of the chain links on your face for two weeks. So why? Why did you die and make me go to your funeral?

March 11, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Sorry about yesterday. I’m still angry, but not so much at you as I am at the whole situation. Everyone was there—all of our friends, a lot of their parents. Even your weird Aunt Kate showed up. She caterwauled like she was the one who lost her son. Your mom and dad, they didn’t say much. Mostly stared at your casket. It was weird. I wish I could have seen you one more time. My dad said there wasn’t anything left of your ugly face that was recognizable. Jesus, Evan. What the hell happened to you? Dad said you skidded on wet pavement. If everything was so wet, then why did you burn up? I wish you were here so I could punch that ugly face. I hate you for leaving me.

March 14, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Guess what? I got sent to the campus cop today for bashing Jordan’s face in. The fucker called you a crispy French fry. Asshole. Officer Happy gave me a pass because I’m “still mourning”. I guess I’ll play that card until graduation. May can’t come soon enough. I’m so sick of this place.

March 17, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Happy St. Patrick’s Day. I got my acceptance letter for ZooMass. I don’t know if I want to go anymore. It was mostly your dream.

March 19, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Mom thinks I need to see a shrink. Says I’m moping around too much. Duh lady. I’m fucking missing my best friend who got himself killed and fried to a crisp so bad his parents had to have a closed-casket funeral. Bitch.

March 20, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Shit. Maybe I do need a shrink.

March 22, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Jessica called me today. We’re meeting up tomorrow. Whether or not that’s a good thing, I really don’t know. She’s nice and all, but I’m not in the greatest of places right now. But I guess coffee won’t hurt anything.

March 23, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Jessica wanted to know if I’d go to prom with her. Fuck, Evan. I can’t think past today, let alone make plans for something six weeks from now. I told her I appreciated the invite, but I wasn’t up for it. She understood.

March 25, 2014

LyleCrocodile: I had to meet with the guidance counselor today. He went over the pros and cons of deferring college for a year, but told me that the decision was up to me. I think I’m going to go. Staying here will be harder. I really wish you were here. I miss you.

March 27, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Mom and Dad are happy I sent my acceptance back. I guess I’m happy too. I’d be happier if we were making plans together. Sigh.

March 31, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Well, Mom’s gone and made an appointment with a “Grief Therapist”. Yes, I capitalized that because that’s exactly how she said it. With capital letters. Fuck my life.

April 1, 2014

LyleCrocodile: I wish this whole thing had been a bad April Fool’s prank.

April 9, 2014

LyleCrocodile: I saw the shrink today. It wasn’t so much bad as it was uncomfortable. I’m not used to dumping my emotions on anyone else but you. You always listened. No matter how shitty a mood I was in, I knew you would just listen. I have to go back next week. I don’t want to.

April 13, 2014

LyleCrocodile: School is a joke. At least all of our teachers are going easy on us because of you. I overheard Miller telling Battista that they might as well just give us all passing grades and let us go. I think most of the teachers agree. We haven’t had any pop quizzes or papers due since you croaked. Missy Peterson cornered me and asked if I would help put together a memorial video for graduation. I told her yes, but it just might break me.

April 16, 2014

LyleCrocodile: I had another session with the shrink today. I threw her a bone and boohooed about how I was having a hard time with the thought of putting together a memorial for you for graduation. Reluctantly, I will admit she had some good ideas. I told her how I couldn’t share the most important memories–like how I gave you the nickname Unleaven Evan because it was so hard to get a rise out of you. Or all the campouts in your backyard when we were young and still naive. We had such pipe dreams back then. You wanted to be an astronaut so bad. Now you’ll never get the chance. Fuck.

April 19, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Goddammit, today was hard. I stopped by your house to ask your mom for pictures to use for your death montage. No, asshole, I didn’t call it that to her face. I said memorial video. She cried. Fucking-A, I don’t know what to do when someone cries. She hugged me, and all I could do was pat her back awkwardly. She gave me all the albums, though, and told me to choose. WHY? WHY ME?

April 23, 2014

LyleCrocodile: The shrink asked me if I used any coping techniques when I felt sad. I said no and wouldn’t talk for the rest of the session.

May 2, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Graduation is in two weeks. All the senior activities are next week. Also, most of the senior teachers have decided not to have a major final exam. Most are just grading us on what we’ve done this semester, which isn’t much.

May 10, 2014

LyleCrocodile: I managed to get through this week’s activities. I skipped Prom. Kendra invited me as a last-minute pity move, but I wasn’t up for it. The picnic was okay and so was movie night. It would’ve been better if you were there.

May 18, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Getting through yesterday was almost as hard as getting through your funeral. You were supposed to be there with me. Our moms were going to take our picture in front of the bronze panther. We even rehearsed how we wanted to pose– in our caps and gowns with our arms thrown over each other’s shoulders with shit-eating grins on our faces. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place when they showed your video montage. I tried to watch but couldn’t.

May 22, 2014

LyleCrocodile: My shrink keeps suggesting I keep a journal. I guess this counts, huh? She says it works best if I write in it when shit really gets to me. How can shit not get to me? I haven’t told her that I’m still texting you. This is just between you and me. Only you will never answer.

May 26, 2014

LyleCrocodile: It’s my birthday. I can’t remember a birthday without you. Why does this hurt so much?

August 29, 2014

LyleCrocodile: I know. I know it’s been three months. Honestly, there hasn’t been much to say. I kept up with my therapy. I’ve needed it. I was so angry all the time. She keeps pushing coping techniques and I gave in just to shut her up. I thought they were stupid and they are. Can you believe she wants me to look at myself in the mirror and say positive things? ‘Scuse me…. “Positive Affirmations.” Jesus, you would’ve died laughing if you weren’t already dead. Just wanted you to know, I still think about you every day. It hurts, but slightly less. I gotta go. Mom is taking me to get some last-minute shit that she insists I need for my dorm. I wish it were you I was rooming with.

September 28, 2014

LyleCrocodile: It’s been a busy month. I’m settled into a dorm room in one of the towers. My roommate is okay. Kinda weird, but not creepy weird. He’s mostly quiet. His name is Raven. I can’t say I’ve been very social either. Been to a few parties and met a bunch of people. The weekend drinking is unreal. It was fun the first time, but the hangover sucked. My classes are okay. Not nearly as hard as all our high school teachers made it out to be. I’m doing alright. Still trying to find my way without you.

October 10, 2014

LyleCrocodile: OMG! Our floor got raided last night by a SWAT team! Some dude four rooms down was building a fucking bomb! His roommate found some weird-looking clay he left out and asked him about it. The dude brushed it off as materials for an art class, forgetting that he didn’t take art and his roommate knew it. The roommate took some of the stuff to campus security and next thing we know, SWAT is storming in and clearing the building. It was like a movie. Wish you could’ve seen it.

October 31, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Off to a Halloween party tonight. I got a Grim Reaper costume. Hahaha. I knew you’d like that. If you were here, you could go as a corpse.

November 1, 2014

LyleCrocodile: I got laid last night! This chick was definitely better than Madison Lindsay was. I don’t even know her name. But Jesus, she rode me like a bronc!

December 25, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Fuck. Why are holidays so hard?

December 31, 2014

LyleCrocodile: Happy birthday, Evan. I miss you.

January 17, 2015

LyleCrocodile: Classes start tomorrow. Another semester without you.

March 4, 2015

LyleCrocodile: I can’t believe it’s been a year. One whole year without you. I thought I cried all the tears I had in me. I was wrong.

May 14, 2015

LyleCrocodile: Freshman year is over. I made it through. Didn’t do too bad either. I guess reeling from your best friend’s death helps keep a person focused on their studies and not on partying. I’ve decided to go pre-med. I know it’s going to be hard, but if I can save one person from losing their best friend, it’ll be worth it.

May 26, 2015

LyleCrocodile: A full trip around the sun and you’re not here to sing Happy Birthday in that god-awful screeching voice of yours. I’d give anything to hear it just one more time.

October 14, 2015

LyleCrocodile: Hey, I know it’s been a bit since I’ve checked in and I’m sorry. I’m doing the best I can. It’s still so hard without you. I’ve been busy though. I dated a girl named Giselle for a couple of months until I found out she cheated on me. Called me “emotionally void”. I guess there’s some truth to that.

January 31, 2015

LyleCrocodile: Happy Birthday Evan. I miss you.

March 4, 2016

LyleCrocodile: Two years. The wound has scabbed over and no longer bleeds. The scar will be there forever.

July 13, 2016

LyleCrocodile: I’ve decided to live off-campus. A guy I met in biology class who is a fellow pre-med student said one of his roommates dropped out and his room is available so I’m going to take it. It’s a big house with six bedrooms. Three singles, and three doubles. Nine people in one house is a lot, but everyone seems to get along.

January 31, 2016

LyleCrocodile: Happy Birthday Evan. I miss you.

February 14, 2017

LyleCrocodile: Happy Valentine’s Day. I’m about to word vomit, so bear with me. I met someone. Only instead of being excited, I’m confused. And a little scared. I met a guy. I don’t know what it means. I only know that when we hang out, I want to be close to him. I can’t stop thinking about him. About how cute he is. And how good he smells. And how much I want to kiss him. Does this mean I’m gay? I’ve fucked girls and enjoyed it. Am I bi? Does it matter? Would you be disgusted with me if you were still alive? I don’t think you would be. Jesus, Evan. If there was ever a time I needed my best friend, it’s now. Fuck.

March 4, 2017

LyleCrocodile: Three fucking years. How has it been three fucking years? I told John about you. That’s his name, the guy I like. Turns out he likes me too. In that way. We’re taking it slow because of me. I told him I was just discovering that I was attracted to guys. He’s okay with it. I think you’d like him. He’s sarcastic like you were.

March 22, 2017

LyleCrocodile: This is probably going to be TMI, but I’m rationalizing it by telling myself that if you were alive, I’d be having this conversation with you. John and I are officially dating. And we had sex. Yes, anal. I was the giver. Although I think I might want to try receiving too. He stuck his finger in there while jacking me off and holy shit Evan, I can’t describe how fast I shot when he hit my prostate. Good Lord. Oh, and we’ve applied to Kansas State. They have a med school for me and a veterinary program for John. We can finish our undergrad there. I know UMass was your dream school, but I have to do what’s best for me. I’m sorry.

April 28, 2017

LyleCrocodile: Welp, John and I are moving to Kansas of all places. We got our acceptance letters this week. I know I haven’t been touching base as much, but I’m finally at a place where I can think of you and not be sad. Now the memories make me smile.

May 26, 2017

LyleCrocodile: Happy Birthday to me. Things are going pretty well. Mom and Dad didn’t bat an eye when I told them I had a boyfriend. John was already out and he took me to meet his parents. They’re nice. We did some room shuffling and he and I are officially shacking up. The housemates don’t care as long as the rent gets paid. It’s only a couple of months anyways. We’re apartment hunting in Kansas.

August 10, 2017

LyleCrocodile: Holy Christ, it’s fucking hot! And according to the locals it’s going to get worse because there’s something called “corn sweat”. Apparently corn pulls so much moisture from the ground that it makes the humidity skyrocket. Who knew?

January 31, 2017

LyleCrocodile: Happy 21st Birthday Evan. I miss you.

March 4, 2018

LyleCrocodile: Four years seem to have passed in the blink of an eye.

April 28, 2018

LyleCrocodile: Well I survived undergrad at Kansas State. I laugh when I tell old friends that I live in Manhattan and they automatically think New York. This place is called the Little Apple. How cheesy. I’ve been accepted to their med school and John easily got into their vet program. He’s pretty damn smart. Like you.

May 26, 2018

LyleCrocodile: This was supposed to be the day we both went out to a bar to celebrate being able to drink legally. John offered to take me, but it didn’t feel right. We stayed in and got pizza. I went out and bought the beer. It wasn’t the milestone I thought it would be.

October 8, 2018

LyleCrocodile: Med school is intense. Every class and every lab is important. I’m doing good though. I’m part of a study group. Can you believe it? It’s the only way. There’s a lot of material and it all needs to be permanently drilled into our brains.

December 31, 2018

LyleCrocodile: Another year and another birthday you’re not here to celebrate. Here’s to you, Evan.

March 4, 2019

LyleCrocodile: Five years is a long time.

May 26, 2019

LyleCrocodile: I miss you.

July 13, 2019

LyleCrocodile: John and I are taking a few weeks off between semesters to go on a road trip. Just like you and I once talked about. Damn, even though it’s been over five years, I still get sad when I think of something we were going to do together and now you’ll never get the chance. I’ve decided I’m going to share the highlights with you.

July 20, 2019

LyleCrocodile: This past week we saw that giant bean thing in Chicago. That was weird. I don’t get what people see in it other than a warped reflection. I guess that’s why art is subjective. We also went up to the top of the Willis Tower. All the locals still call it the Sears Tower. They have an observation deck with these glass bump outs so when you stand on it, it feels like you’re standing in mid-air. Not gonna lie. It scared the shit out of me. Deep dish pizza didn’t disappoint. We also caught a Cubs game and a White Sox game. Red Sox are better. John wants to see a game in every stadium. It’ll take more than a few years.

July 22, 2019

LyleCrocodile: From Chicago we headed south along the Mississippi River. St. Louis was okay. We ended up staying two extra nights so John could tick a Cardinals game off his list. We skipped going up in the Arch. Tickets were twenty bucks for an elevator ride and view. No thanks. Memphis was pretty cool. The music venues were great and we caught a great blues band one night. We also took a riverboat dinner cruise. I know. Touristy. But dinner was great and the sunset that night was to die for.

July 31, 2019

LyleCrocodile: New Orleans. Fucking hotter than hell. The humidity damn near killed us. It’s hot and humid in Kansas, but this was insane. So is the city. There are some really unique individuals in that town, let me tell you. And the booze. Omg, I’ve never drank so much. I can’t imagine this place during Mardi Gras.

August 14, 2019

LyleCrocodile: We’re home. From New Orleans, we shot across I-10 to San Antonio. The Riverwalk had some amazing restaurants. I had a ribeye that positively melted in my mouth. It was meat butter. 10 out of 10 would recommend. Dallas was crowded and the traffic sucked. We caught a Rangers game but skipped Houston. They had away games and we needed to get back to Kansas. It might be a while before I check in again. My class schedule is insane. I’ll be lucky to have time to piss. I wish you could have seen the sights I did.

December 31, 2019

LyleCrocodile: Where is the time going? Happy birthday my friend. I miss you every day.

March 4, 2020

LyleCrocodile: No matter how much time passes, this day is never easy.

May 26, 2020

LyleCrocodile: The world has gone mad. John and I ordered Chinese for my birthday. It’s weird not being able to go out to a restaurant. Will this ever end? It’s scary.

December 31, 2020

LyleCrocodile: Wow. Who could’ve ever known the world would grind to a halt because of a virus? It’s been a shitshow of a year. Classes have been online only since mid-March. It’s impossible to properly learn via a virtual lab. Nothing is hands-on. The major exam I was supposed to take before clinical rotation has been postponed indefinitely. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. John is in the same boat. It really sucks.

March 4, 2021

LyleCrocodile: Well, there’s finally some good news that makes this day a little less emotional. I passed my USMLE Step 1 exam. It was the most brutal thing I’ve ever sat through. Eight hours, Evan. Eight. Fucking. Hours. I thought my head would explode. I really did. I got the results in my email ten minutes ago. You are the first one to know. I should get a notification by the end of the week with my clinical rotation schedule. This virus fucked up a lot of future doctors’ lives. Half the students in the program dropped out. John had it almost as bad but he was able to get hands-on practice since the start of the semester. The perks of your patients being non-human.

May 26, 2021

LyleCrocodile: Spent most of my birthday in the emergency room. Got rear-ended by some idiot focused on his phone instead of the road. I’m okay. Just some bumps and bruises and a broken nose from the airbag slamming into my face. My sunglasses are toast. On the bright side, the entire ER staff sang Happy Birthday to me and not one of them screeched.

June 1, 2021

LyleCrocodile: John proposed. I said yes. We eloped. Would you believe that Colorado has something called self-solemnization? Took me a bit to pronounce that right lol. Anyways, they let you do your own thing wherever you want and you and your partner are each other’s witness. All you have to do is register it with whatever county you said your vows in. We hiked to St. Mary’s Glacier and said our vows there. It’s a beautiful spot. I wish you were there to be my best man.

December 31, 2021

LyleCrocodile: Gotta make this quick. I’ve got clinical at the ER tonight. New Year’s Eve, probably one of the busiest nights of the year. Happy Birthday Evan. Wish you were here.

March 4, 2022

LyleCrocodile: Eight damn years. That’s how old we were when we met. Back then it was an entire lifetime. Today it still feels that way.

March 18, 2022

LyleCrocodile: OMG OMG OMFG!!!!!!!! I MATCHED WITH STRONG MEMORIAL HOSPITAL!!!!! Evan! It’s one of the top 20 trauma centers in the country! Holy SHIT!

March 19, 2022

LyleCrocodile: Now that I’ve calmed down and put clean pants on I can give you more details. I knew after I did an ER rotation that’s what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to bore you with all the tedious details of the application and selection process, but in a nutshell, my advisor told me to apply to at least half of the 200-odd Level 1 Trauma Centers. I ended up applying to 143 of them. Anything in the top 50 was a dream, so when I matched with a top 20, I kinda lost it. Rochester, New York. I don’t know anything about it other than it’s going to be cold as fuck in the winter. Wish me luck. John is staying in Kansas for another year. He’s decided to focus on exotic animals and it’s going to be at least one more year, possibly two. Long distance is going to be hard.

May 8, 2022

LyleCrocodile: Introducing Doctor Lyle Bernard McCarthy-Graf. I did it Evan! God, I wish you were here.

May 26, 2022

LyleCrocodile: It’s been a busy month. No time for birthday stuff. Miss you.

July 5, 2022

LyleCrocodile: Jesus, Evan. Fourth of July at a trauma hospital is bonkers. I lost count of how many idiots blew their fingers or even whole hand off. Fuuuuck I’m exhausted.

December 31, 2022

LyleCrocodile: I was lucky and my 3-day shift ended at 7 pm. Granted, I didn’t get out of the hospital until after 9, but John’s here, so we get to ring in the new year together. I really wish you were here too. Happy Birthday, E.

March 4, 2023

LyleCrocodile: This long-distance stuff is tough. John and I hardly ever get to talk and finding more than one coinciding shift off is almost impossible. I don’t know if we can weather this. I have a gut feeling and it’s not good.

May 26, 2023

LyleCrocodile: This year’s birthday was a dumpster fire. John was supposed to call and never did. I went to my favorite diner by myself. You wouldn’t have let me down.

June 12, 2023

LyleCrocodile: I called it. John wants a divorce. He’s been seeing someone else. This sucks.

December 31, 2023

LyleCrocodile: We signed the divorce papers a few days ago. The final decree will be mailed out in a few weeks. I’m officially a divorced man. At least it was amicable. We drifted too far apart. I understand why he found someone else. I don’t have time for anything other than work. Would you believe I caught a glimpse of someone today and thought that’s what Evan might look like now. Wishful thinking and my imagination running wild. You’d’ve been handsome though. Happy Birthday.

March 4, 2024

LyleCrocodile: Ten years ago my world collapsed. I lost the most important person in my life. Since then, I’ve struggled to put the pieces together. I’ve had some success and more than a few failures along the way. I’ve had to rebuild my life from the ground up. I don’t know what the future holds. I hope for happiness. All I know is that even though the pain isn’t sharp anymore and thinking of you doesn’t unleash a torrent of tears, I still miss you every minute of every day.

May 26, 2024

Unknown: Happy Birthday Lyle. I’ve missed you too.