Under the Guise - 2. Foolish

“No shitting? Dang…”

I told my dorm mates what happened as we hung out in our lobby on the first floor. It was one AM. A sextet of students were playing Jenga across from us, being quiet and contemplative. The more studious students were deep in their books, scattered around the room. The front desk, in the middle of the lobby by the elevators, was occupied by a student security officer who could be heard watching Youtube on his laptop.

Loren, who lived on the same floor as me, was biting her fist like she had been the mistress in this affair I put myself in. She wore her curly brunette hair back, wearing a T-shirt and shorts crosslegged on the couch. PJ was choking from laughing at my expense, leaned far back on his reclining chair. His face turned red like the hair on his head.

“See, I told you!” he said, pointing at me. “I’ve been telling you something was up since you got with that guy! Can’t talk to each other in public? Giving you fake names? Come on, man.”

Loren said, “Wouldn’t you know, being the straight dude here.” PJ rolled his eyes. “You can’t blame the guy for trying to keep his private life ‘private.’”

“Really Loren? Discreet just means ‘married,’ why else would he be so shady?”

“Gay people are discreet for a lot of reasons,” I said, “Not only because they’re married. Pressure from family, discrimination at work, homophobic psychos on the street, can I go on?”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. But look what happened? Still think a dude who doesn’t want you fucking in his master is only trying to be discreet? He was probably trying to keep you from seeing their wedding photos! Come on now…”

A guy screamed, “NO,” while a girl cackled subsequently after. The Jenga tower across from us had fallen, making loud, clanking sounds on the table and scattering on the carpet floor. The student officer’s head flew up to look over at us. Didn’t take long before he went right back to watching his video. An entrance into the building slid open, making a gliding sound across the floor. A freshman couple, who likely got together during the first week of school, came in holding hands, drinking smoothies,and leaning their heads against each other.

“Freshies,” said PJ, sneering at the couple. “I give them a month.”

“Don’t try acting superior,” I said. “You know you were them only a year ago.”

Loren nodded. “Sounds like you got played, buddy. Did you at least delete his number off your phone?”

Admittedly, I still had Lex’s number. I tried to comprehend what reason he would have to invite me to his place again even after I found out his secret. Wasn’t he worried I would tell his wife? It seemed risky to keep in contact with me, yet he had no hesitation doing so. I was certain of one thing, I had no intention of continuing to sleep with a married man.

I shrugged. “Haven’t heard from him either way: I don’t message him; he messages me.” Loren raised an eyebrow while PJ maintained a look of disbelief. “...It was one of our rules.”

PJ gave me this “I told you so” look. “To keep the wife from knowing, I’m sure,” he said.

It was witless of me. The more I discussed Lex and I’s arrangement, the more I understood the ways he put the wool over my eyes. This was no longer a matter of forgiving and forgetting, and I became fervently obsessed with trying to figure out “why?”

_ _ _ _ _

As Lex suggested the last time we met, I broke our rule. Instead of waiting for him to contact me, I reached out to him through his online profile. Making a call or sending a text seemed risky; it was an odd feeling knowing that a wrongly timed phone call or text could possibly result in the wife of the house answering on the other end. I made a plan to meet with him that next week and set things straight. Then, make it clear to him that I had no plans to come around again.

A fog overtook the neighborhood. Car headlights attempted to shine through the streets, while dim lights shined from porches to living rooms. The street had an eerie, but pleasant quiet to it as though I was the only one there. I took a walk, playing out what words I ought to say and what responses I would give Lex if he tried to convince me to stay.

The walk wasn’t long enough. Lex led me in wordlessly with a smirk on his face, and I wasn’t sure why he seemed so giddy. I was pissed, and this man was smiling sheepishly like something was even remotely funny about this moment. He asked for my jacket. I kept it with me. I walked only a few feet from the door before he shut it behind me.

Lex said. “I was hoping I would see you.”

I was still turned away from him when I said, “You won’t be in a minute...”

“What did you say?”

I looked around for a moment, tried taking a closer look. Photographs of family sat on the coffee table or were hung up on the wall. The faces kept staring at me and I tried to determine which one would be the most incriminating. Could I see a son or daughter with his eyes, or his hair? Maybe a portrait of newlyweds in their wedding garb?

“What’s up?” he asked.

“...I came here because I felt like I owed you that much.” I hesitated, then slowly turned myself toward him. “Now, I’m realizing that may have been a mistake. I think it’s clear that I shouldn’t come here anymore.”

He frowned and looked away. “...Oh, I see.” It was the first time I had seen him express something akin to mourning. I felt uncomfortable being responsible for his grief. “Damn, that’s... that’s too bad.”

“Were you expecting another answer?”

He scratched his head. “Well, kind of. I thought if I left you alone, you wouldn’t have to make any split decisions. I hoped that maybe if you thought it over…”

My eyes widened. “Do you hear yourself? You actually thought I would consider still sleeping with you?”

“You don’t have to make it sound as bad as it seems-”

“I’d say this is pretty fucked up, Lex.”

“What do you know? You’ve never been in a marriage!”

My temples began pulsating. I was ready to retort when the ground shook beneath our feet, and a sonic boom could be heard throughout the house. A plane was taking flight at the airport nearby. I watched his body language, how he crossed his arms looking to the roof as the plane rose to the sky. He returned his gaze to me as the sound faded and the ground became still.

“Why do I have to be in a marriage to know that cheating is wrong? If this wasn’t a big deal, then why did you hide it from me? Having me drop in to your place week after week, not even once mentioning that you shared this home with someone you chose to be with for the rest of your life-”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“It’s always more complicated, that’s an excuse! Lex, you can’t-”

“I’m bi.”

My next response had caught in my throat. I swallowed hard, and my mouth went dry. Lex appeared smaller before me. His posture was less hostile as he moved away from the door, looking to the floor. He sat in one of the chairs near the coffee table decorated with floral cushions, then laid back as if resting after releasing his load.

“D-did you say-”

“You heard me right.”

His eyes were closed as his hands slowly and gently kneaded the arms of the chair. The phone rang, but he ignored it. I sat myself on the couch across from him, rendered speechless, motionless as though moving may cause the Earth to split. I was overwhelmed with growing anxiety. It was another detail I hadn’t known, and I wasn’t sure if my thoughts of him had changed for the positive or negative.

“H-how long have you known?” I asked, still shaken up.

“I’ve always known, just didn’t act on it, until recently…”

“Are you sure? Could it be that your just-”

“I’m not gay!” he said, damn near shouting. He saw my reaction, then let out a long exhale. “I’m attracted to women. I wouldn’t have married my wife if I wasn’t. I thought I could bury and control it if I wanted to, stop having these urges. But you can’t control who you like, or who you’re drawn to.”

He looked me in the eyes then. I wondered if I had been the first man he had a sexual relationship with, or one of the first.

“You don’t have to agree that what I’m doing is okay or justified because of... my sexuality. But you can understand, right?”

I got the impression he was looking for sympathy, a cowardly attempt to seem more innocent than he actually was. And despite my reasoning, even when it appeared to be the logical explanation for the turn of this conversation, I couldn’t help being empathetic. I did understand. No matter how angry I was or how wrong his actions were, I knew how it felt to hide when it seems like the only option available. Gay people aren’t the only ones in the closet.

“Lex, I think you’re playing with fire. I get that isn’t easy being in your shoes, but how long do you plan on committing to this ruse?”

“What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her, right? As long as we’re both using protection, she’ll be okay. She’ll never know as long as we both keep doing what we’re doing and keeping this under wraps. Have we even once been close to getting caught? I promise, I won’t let what happen last week be repeated.”

I didn’t understand something. Why was Lex so desperate to make me stay? I was a fuck buddy, a random man who he has no ties to. I believed that was all we were to each other, or did he think this was something more?

Lex had got up from the couch then and sat beside me. He wore a shirt that looked too tight on him, accentuating his chest. His hand moved to my thigh and began to stroke it.

“I know I’m throwing a lot on you,” he said. I became distracted enough to forget that we had been having a discussion. “I want to keep seeing you, if that’s okay.”

Lex had been more committed than any guy I ever been with. Here I was, a sophomore in school, never having been in a relationship and constantly meeting guys who were only looking for one thing. Then, comes this married man telling me he wants to continue seeing me. That I was, somehow, someone worth keeping around. Maybe I was being thoughtless, but a part of me wanted the same thing he did.

I said, “We can’t keep doing this forever.”

He made a smirk. His hand went from my thigh to my shoulders as he started to massage them. His eyes looked me over.

“I’m not asking for forever. Let’s see where this goes.”

_ _ _ _ _

Lex and I went to his guest room after that, doing what we did best. This time around, something felt different. The roughness of his fucking and his touching were mixed with moments of tenderness, like how he would wrap his arms around me when we were in missionary, or his biting would always lead to a kiss in the same spot. He didn’t quiver to my touch like he once did, and I understood where that hesitation came from. Even when he first pinned me to the bed, my wrists held down under his weight, his hands would travel up my palms, then his fingers would interlace with mine.

It seemed when he revealed himself to me, something deep within him had unlocked. It was like he could finally feel like himself. Taking all of Lex allowed me to partially forgive the married part of him, though I had my reservations. Forgiving him was the easy part, but I hadn’t put much thought into how I would forgive myself.