A Knight To Remember - 4. Confirmation Bias

“I’m gay.”

Damn, it felt good to hear myself say it… Hearing it out loud made it real somehow.

“Oh.” Sara responded.

Her eyes distant. Her face was stone, almost frozen in time as she considered what I had just told her.

Ok, this isn’t the response I was expecting.

“Oh?” I parroted. “What do you mean, ‘oh’? Are you mad at me or something?”

We were in my bedroom, sitting with our legs dangling over the side of the bed, facing the window.

She was somewhere else. Her eyes were far, far away.

“I feel like such a shitty person.” She said.

“What are the fuck are you talking about?” I asked, shocked. I continued, “How does this have anything to do with you?”

“But you don’t act gay! Are you sure you are? Maybe you’re bi or something. All the gay guys I know are… Obvious.” Sara responded.

Why is nothing in life ever easy?

“I’m gay. I know what I am.” I was getting irritated.

“I’m really sorry, Ian… I’m sorry for everything. I really didn’t know… I just… hate myself so much right now.” Her eyes were watering.

“WHAT THE FUCK are you talking about? Why do you keep saying that?” I asked.

She looked at me, then at the floor and answered, “Danielle.”

So that's what this is all about.

Story time.

I said before that I had never had a ‘proper’ girlfriend. That was technically true. But that didn’t mean that I had never been physical with a girl. I had. On more than one occasion, in fact.

Sara was pretty much the best wingman a guy could ever ask for. She would go out of her way to find hot girls for me to ‘evaluate’…

One day she found me a stunning half-hispanic, half-white girl named Danielle.

And what a gorgeous girl she was. She was 16 years old, two years older than me at the time.

Even as a gay guy, I could still appreciate her stunning beauty.

Had I been even slightly straight, I would have jumped on her at the first opportunity… Hell, My face would have been buried so far between her legs I would have been able to taste what she’d had for dinner that night.

And Sara knew this. She was SO proud of herself when Danielle told her that I was hot.

One time we were at a baseball game - I was about 14 or so. Anyway, Sara had goaded me into the parking lot with Danielle by my side, and told us to make out as much as we wanted, while she stood guard for any teachers or school faculty.

What a standup bitch, right?

She walked out of a school baseball game just so I could get my smooch on with a hot Latina.

So I did it.

It was okay, I guess… I could tell right away by Danielle’s breathing, as we were kissing, that she was getting a lot more turned on than I was.

Danielle was hooked on me after that.

A few weeks after our first make-out session, Sara found out her parents were going out of town for a few days, and so she decided to have a house-party. The goal being that we would have a lot of fun with our friends AND that I would get laid for the first time.

I was petrified.

The problem was that Sara had already invited a lot of other people, and word had gotten out among our friend group that Danielle and I were gonna get it on that night. There was no way I could have refused. It would have been impossible to justify to my guy friends. So I went along with it.

The sex was, in a word: boring. For the most part.

I was able to get it up and keep it up. But when she started sucking my dick I froze. I definitely didn’t want to go down on her. There was WAY too much stuff going on down there. That was a no-go. So I stopped her after a minute or so, feeling like if I accepted too much more, I would be expected to reciprocate.

Anyway, I did the deed. I was able to finish. And, like I said, it was ok.

There was however one part about it I DID like: sucking on her tits.

She had really pretty pink nipples, and perfect breasts. Magazine perfect… And, despite not being turned on by the sight of them, her reaction to me sucking on her nipples SERIOUSLY turned me on. She loved it. She was moaning and breathing really heavy. She was fucking writhing around on the bed as I did it. Loving it. And - for those few minutes - I loved it too.

Apparently I did such a good job that she had an orgasm.

Just from me sucking her tits!

I’m telling the truth here!

She was shaking like crazy afterwards… It was the only time I ever actually enjoyed pleasuring a girl.

I even masturbated about that encounter several times over the following few days… Sexuality is a really weird thing.

Oh believe me… I made sure to tell Devan and the guys about my tit-sucking skills. I was a legend for a couple weeks.

After that night Danielle was totally infatuated with me. I wanted to like her. She was such a sweet girl, and I tried all sorts of Jedi mind-tricks to convince myself her and I maybe could work out. But it wasn’t meant to be.

She ended up telling me that she was in love with me while we were out bowling with some friends a year or so later.

What do you do in that situation? It was so weird because I couldn’t give her a decent reason as to why I didn’t like her. She was fucking gorgeous! And being rejected by me crushed her confidence. To this day I haven’t forgiven myself.

One day I will make it up to her. That sweet angel. I hope she finds what she’s looking for. Nobody will be happier for her than me.

“Sara, how could you have known? Literally ANY other guy would have jizzed his pants to have had a friend like you. Do you know how jealous the guys were of me? The fact that I had the baddest bitch in school hooking me up with hotties left and right? Much of my reputation stems from you. Don’t forget that, babe.”

She nodded, “So is that everything? Is that what’s been bothering you?”

To tell the truth or not to tell the truth…

“That’s not all of it, but it’s the most important part. There’s more… I… I like someone, but I don’t want to talk about it just yet, ok? Let me just figure this out for a few more weeks, and then I’ll get your input and all that.”

I wasn’t ready for her crushing realism just yet. She isn’t much for bullshitting. I needed a bullshitter right now… A hype-man. Someone to tell me I was doing the right thing regardless of the truth. She wasn’t that person. She was too real for that.

“Ok… I love you. You know that, right? You’re my brother. Always.” She said, her eyes just a touch watery.

“I know baby girl. I love you too. Me and you are in it for the long haul babe.” I said, smiling.

“And if you need a surrogate, you know who to call.” She said with a growing smile.

“Shit, Sara. Can you imagine how crazy our kid would be? They would be the nuttiest, brattiest kid in the world! But so fucking adorable.” I said smiling.

Our kids really would have been the cutest kids ever. Sara’s tan is even richer and darker than mine. Beautiful bronze skin, and dark brown hair. A smile to die for.

“Well, if you ever decide to do it, just understand that we’ll be doing that shit the old fashioned way. None of this test tube bullshit. Got it?”

“For sure babe. I’ll give you a pounding you’ll never forget.” I said. We both laughed.

“Excellent. Alright. Call me for anything ok?” She said, her voice suddenly serious.

“I will.”

That day went just about how I expected it to - minus the part where Sara thought she had sex trafficked me.

I felt relieved.

I just hope Devan takes it as well as this.

***

Sitting in fourth period, I couldn’t help but feel nervous excitement building up inside me.

It was Wednesday. Today was the day.

The chess club was having their first meeting of the school year at 3:30 pm, today. Right after school. And I was going to be there.

I was hella nervous.

I didn’t know if I’d be the weakest player there, or average, or what. I knew I wouldn’t be anywhere near the top of the pack - like Oliver is. But after thinking about it, I really didn’t care all that much about whether the other guys in that club thought I was anything special. I had already met Oliver. He was the reason I was going in the first place, and he knew where my skill level was. So most of the battle was already over.

I needed to take a chill pill. Freaking out every time I saw Oliver was not only going to annoy him, it was going to annoy me. I’m not that awkward. Well, I’m not usually as awkward as I have been around Oliver, at least… I’m actually pretty cool most of the time, and have a good amount of friends… AND I’m older than him by a whole year! Why would I be intimidated by him? I can’t keep freezing up like that.

I’m going to be myself… I’m funny. He’ll like me. Gay or not, he seems to like me as a person. So I’m going to work with what I’ve got.

The bell rang. I gathered my books, and walked out of class towards my locker. After unloading my stuff, I headed off to the library, which the chess club had reserved for the afternoon.

I arrived at the library at 3:40 pm. There were about 25 students there.

About 5 feet in front of the main entrance to the library, a small table had been setup where Mr. Mills and some guy I didn’t know were seated. The guy sitting beside Mr. Mills looked my age, and I was a bit surprised by how attractive he was. He had thick black hair and deep ocean-blue eyes. A beautiful, straight nose, and soft yet masculine features. His lips were full, cherry-red. In short: he was hot.

There were notepads in front of them, along with a laptop sitting on Mr. Mills’ side of the table.

“Welcome to Halverton Chess Club!” Mr. Mills said with a smile, while the other guy stared at me with a blank expression. I couldn’t tell if he was evaluating me or if he was just looking at me while thinking about something else. Perhaps he was just lost in his own thoughts.

I looked around. No Ollie.

“Thanks, Mr. Mills. I’m Ian. Looking forward to playing today.” I said, nodding at the boy sitting at the table. The boy didn’t acknowledge my gesture at all, but continued to look at me.

“Sound’s great! Let’s see… Ian…” Mr. Mills said, as he rustled a few papers. From where I was standing, they looked like charts of some kind.

Mr. Mills continued, “I think we’ll pair you up with Alan today.”

My heart sank.

What about Ollie? I was supposed to play with Ollie…

The door behind me opened and closed.

I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to pay much attention to it.

“Hey, Oliver!” The boy at the desk shouted. His demeanor had shifted: A complete 180, in fact. He was smiling now. He didn’t look like the same guy I saw 30 seconds ago… He was luminescent. His eyes were alive and vibrant.

Despite my new resolve to remain calm around Oliver, my heart skipped a little, knowing he was standing right behind me. But I hid it well.

“Hello, Trevor.” Oliver responded. He didn’t sound at all enthusiastic. Oddly formal-sounding.

I just stood there facing forward.

A second later Oliver shoulder-bumped me, “Hey…” He said softly. As I turned around he gave me a friendly smile and I returned it.

“Hey dude.” I said.

You’re doing good Ian. This is the way to do it. Keep doing it like this.

“We still on for that game today?” Oliver asked. His forehead wrinkled as he asked me. His face sincere. His hazel eyes gazing into mine.

“For sure, du-”

“Oliver! Why are you standing over there? Come on, let’s me and you pair up today!” The boy from the table again. He was standing up and motioning for Oliver to follow him.

This guy has no fucking manners. We were talking, NUMB-NUTS!

Oliver looked over at him. His smile faded. The light in his eyes dimmed.

“I promised Ian that I would play some games with him today. Maybe some other time.” He said. His voice was deeper than normal - forceful.

If looks could kill…

After Ollie’s response, Trevor gave me the dirtiest, most detesting look I’d seen directed at me in a long time.

What the hell is HIS problem? I literally have never seen you before dude… You cannot hate someone you don’t know!

“Actually, Ian has to play with Alan Jacobs today. Coach Mills already arranged it. Come on, I’ll get us a table over in the back. I brought Kasparov’s new memoir! We can go through it together.” Trevor responded. Not looking at me. His eyes were pleading. He reminded me of an awkward kid begging one of the cool kids to play with him.

Oliver didn’t respond. He looked over at Mr. Mills, who was busy typing away on his laptop, and said, “Mr. Mills, I’d like to pair with Ian today, if that’s alright with you.”

Mills Looked up at us over the top of his glasses. Carrying a look of mild surprise. I guessed that Ollie didn’t request new partners often. After a second of hesitation, Mr. Mills responded, “Of course… Do as you please.” He went right back to poking his keyboard with his long forefingers.

Trevor, with a disgusted shake of his head and a grimace on his face, pulled the chair back out from the table he was originally sitting at, making a bit of a show of it. He then sat down with a loud, unnecessary thud, startling Mr. Mills, who after a quick glance in Trevor’s direction resumed poking his keyboard.

There were so many things to dissect about this situation… I didn’t know where to start. Trev seemed to want Oliver to himself, but why? And what was with his attitude? And what was with Oliver’s attitude towards Trevor? Something was going on there and I had no idea what. I did know one thing for sure, however: Trevor and I were NOT likely to become best buds anytime soon.

Well, this is a lot more interesting than I expected.

Leaning close to me, Oliver, in a soft voice, said, “Come on. Let’s go to the back. I brought my board and pieces, so we’re all set.”

Trevor stared at us. Brooding.

Before following Oliver over to OUR table, I couldn’t resist giving Trevor an arrogant smile. I didn’t like him, and I wanted to rub his face in the fact that I got to spend one-on-one time with Oliver and he didn’t.

I guess Oliver is super popular in this club. That would explain Trevor’s behavior, at least. I guess it makes sense, considering how skilled a player Ollie is.

I wonder if…

Stop it.

You’re projecting. He just wants to learn from Oliver, that’s all. Stop imagining things.

Before setting up Ollie’s chess set, he introduced me to a few people in the club. To my surprise, very few of the people looked - or acted - like prototypical nerds. There were even a couple girls in the club.

Some kids had already started playing their games. It wasn’t a formal tournament, so there were people standing around on the sides of the room talking about chess news, it sounded like to me. I hadn’t known such a thing existed! Something to do with a ‘world-champion’ named Magnus something or other.

Oliver and I sat down, away from most of the commotion, and set up our board.

“Ok, since you’re still somewhat new to the game, why don’t we do this.” Oliver said, as he picked up his queen and placed it on the table to the side. He continued, “Now, I’ll play without my queen right from the start. That’ll be the handicap. You get to keep your queen, and that way the game should be pretty even. If we need to adjust the handicap later we will. Sound good?”

“Yeah, that sounds gr-”

SCREEEECH.

I looked over and… You guessed it. Trevor.

He had pulled the chair out from under the table adjacent to ours, scraping it against the cheap linoleum floor.

He then dropped a couple books on his table with a hard thump, and started laying out his chess set.

Of all the tables he could have chosen, he chooses the one right beside us!? What a weirdo…

Oliver looked really pissed now.

After a deep inhale through his nose - one that screamed frustration - Oliver asked “What are you doing, Trevor?” his voice was sharp, intimidating. His eyes were ice.

“What do you mean? I’m about to go through some of the games from Kasparov’s memoir.”

Trevor’s face effused defiance. He struck me as very childlike in that moment, throwing a thinly-veiled tantrum, for reasons I still didn’t understand.

Oliver’s face was getting redder by the minute, and I was starting to get uncomfortable… I couldn’t even focus on being nervous around Oliver at that point, since Trevor was acting so goddamn weird.

Oliver’s knuckles were white as he clenched the sides of the table.

There was so much tension, in fact, that I was beginning to wonder if this stand-off was about to get physical.

You lay so much as a goddamn finger on my Ollie and I’ll take your fucking arm… Touch my baby and you’ll meet Jesus, bitch. THAT, I guarantee.

Oliver let out an exasperated breath and looked at me with a defeated expression.

All I wanted to do was hug him. To take him in my arms and cradle him. Lean him into my chest and play with his hair, telling him it was ok. Everything would be ok, baby. I didn’t know what was going on, but I couldn’t help wanting to soothe away that sad look.

“Ian, you know what… I could really use a coffee. What do you say you and I take the board and head over to that coffee shop just down the street? You ever been to Summer Moon off of Burnett? We can play there, if you want.”

Hearing that almost made me cum.

I was elated. Overjoyed. On cloud-9. But I didn’t for the life of me show it.

“Yeah, Sure… I love that place. I could really use a pick-me-up too.” I responded.

It took every ounce of self-control to hide my excitement. I went from hating Trevor, to loving him beyond words. It was his psychopathy that made this scenario possible in the first place.

Trev, you’re the best buddy! I fucking love you man. Great guy, that Trevor. Great Guy. Such a standup guy!

Trevor’s face was nearing a deep magenta, as Oliver and I packed up and started for the library exit.

I was certain I had died and gone to heaven.

Just keep doing what you’re doing… Just… Be yourself. The rest will take care of itself.

There are two student parking lots at Halverton. One for Seniors and one for everyone else. They were on different sides of the building.

As we were approaching the student parking lots, I decided to take a chance.

“Hey, um… You wanna ride together? I can drive, if you want. I mean, that is unless you have to go somewhere right after.”

I hadn’t looked at him at any point during my question. I was staring straight ahead as we walked, afraid what his face would tell me.

Oliver hesitated for just a second. The longest, most agonizing second of my entire life.

“I guess that’s ok, as long as it’s not any trouble.” He responded.

Oh, it’s no trouble my beautiful Ollie! I’d carry you there on my back if that’s what you wanted…

There you go! Taking control up in this bitch!! This is great!

We walked over to my green 2006 Chevy Malibu… I had always hated that shade of green. In certain lighting it looked brownish, like vomit. But I wasn’t exactly given a choice in the matter.

We got in, buckled up, and we were off.

“I’m sorry about what happened back there. I didn’t know Trevor was coming. He doesn’t normally go.” Ollie said, looking at me.

I didn’t dare look back at him. One sight of his sincere, beautiful face and I’d drive us off a bridge.

In Austin, you keep your eyes on the DAMN road. None of this looking over here or looking over there… None of this ‘Oh, that’s pretty’… No. These mofos are crazy.

In this city, you have to ask yourself ‘what is the LEAST likely thing the person driving in front of me would do?’ Then you prepare for that very thing! Trust me. I’ve lived here all my life.

“Yeah, he was being really weird.” I said followed by a nervous chuckle. I wasn’t sure whether I should ask about today’s events directly. I was really hoping he’d tell me unprompted. He didn’t.

It was way too quiet for me. I needed at least something playing in the background. So, trying to ease the deafening silence, I said, “You can turn on some music if you want. Not sure what you listen to, but I like pretty much everything.”

“Cool.” He responded.

He turned on the radio, clicking through my programmed presets.

He clicked on preset number 3, and the car stereo roared to life…

“Thank you for tuning into Pride 97.5! Austin’s one and only LGBTQ radio station! Radio FOR us… BY us.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!

WHY DID I SAVE THAT GODDAMN STATION?

Oh fuck, I can’t breathe. Shit, I think I’m having a panic attack. Oh shit, my chest hurts… Breathe, Ian. Come up with something.. For Christ sake say something!!!!

“I uh… I’m not… I like their… They play cool music sometimes!” I said, horrified.

Despite my reservations, I glanced in his direction. He was just looking at me, mouth slightly open, not hanging open in an obvious way, just a tiny gap between his beautiful, pink lips. His right eyebrow was just a tiny bit higher than his left. He was thinking - analyzing.

Well, what’s done is done. He’ll think whatever he thinks. I just hope he doesn’t hate gay people…

I mean, come on… It’s 2019… AND we live in Austin, which is the San Francisco of Texas… He’s PROBABLY fine…

Oh shit… I hope he’s fine.

He didn’t say a word.

NOT A WORD!

He just looked ahead, reached for the radio again, and started scrolling through the other stations.

My heart was still racing. I could barely think about driving… Just playing it over and over and over and over again… Analyzing… Continuing to pick apart my memory of his facial expression, looking for… Anything. Anything that would tell me what he thought about what had just happened.

I came up blank.

We finally arrived at Summer Moon. I didn’t know what to say or do.

Maybe I should just act like it never happened… Yeah, that’s the best way to deal with it. Ignore it, and hope he forgets about it.

“We haaaaave arrived!” I said, wearing a forced smile.

He took off his seat-belt, opened his door, and got out. Not looking at me once. And started towards the coffeeshop without me.

I was afraid to mention anything about what had just transpired. I felt like if I asked him if he was okay, then I’d be confirming that I was what he had suspected. I couldn’t do that. I’d just have to deal with it.

I got out of the car and started towards the coffee shop as he stood facing me on the sidewalk, beside the shop’s entrance. Still looking at me. His face was a tabula rasa.

I passed him, and walked through the door. He followed suit behind me. After entering, we got in line.

This is so fucking awkward. It’s killing me. Why is he being such a freak? It’s a goddamn radio station for christ sake! BIG DEAL!

I felt someone lean in, just behind my right ear.

A soft, husky whisper enveloped the side of my neck, “The Full Moon is really good here. But only get a medium, the large will give you diabetic shock.”

Oliver.

His left hand had snaked between my right arm and my ribs, cupping my right bicep. His fingers just under the sleeve of my t-shirt, pulling me a little to my right, closer towards him as he spoke.

A shiver shot down my spine like bolt of lightning.

I felt what he’d said more than I heard it. His breath vibrating on my neck. His lips inches from my ear.

His touch was fire. My skin, blazing…

Consumed.

His hand was on me only as long as he spoke. But it felt like it never left. The spot was still burning… His hand gone. The feeling of him still on me… Burned into my consciousness.

That action shot my mood up to the outer-stratosphere. The room was shinier. The people were prettier. The smells were sweeter. Time had slowed to a snails-pace for just those seconds of his touch. I had never known it was possible to feel that level of euphoria.

I was intoxicated. And I wanted more. So, so much more.

I’m hard. I’m standing in line at the fucking coffee shop and I’m hard as steel!

I used my pocket to position my boner to a less conspicuous position. We ordered our drinks and waited by the bar to pick them up.

Why did he touch me? Hell, why did he lean in so close to me?

Is he trying to tell me something?

It’s not like we need to whisper while standing in line to order a goddamn coffee… So then why the hell did he do it?

Fuck… I’ve NEVER been more turned on. If he told me to get on my knees right here, right now I’m not sure I’d say no.

I hope he’s trying to tell me something…

That thought made my legs shake. In the middle of the coffee shop my legs were shaking like a dog fresh out of a bath.

I realized something in that moment…

Where Oliver is concerned: I’m powerless. His touch stops my world dead in its tracks. Everything fades into the distance the very second I feel his hands on me. His touch is heroin in my veins. Shooting pleasure through every nerve in my being.

And yet, I had no idea what he thought about what’d happened in the car. He was like an Egyptian Hieroglyph. I couldn’t read him. Not even a little.

I mean, judging by his recent actions, he was - I supposed - fine with it. But what was ‘it’? Did he think I was gay? Did he think I was cool with gay people? Was he cool with gay people? Was he gay?

Which the fuck was it?

And what was the touching about?

I wondered if maybe that’s just how he is. Maybe he grew up in a touchy family or something. My cousins are like that. They will just snuggle up to me like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Both the boys and the girls in my family do it. Hell, my male cousins would even snuggle up with me whenever we shared a bed - to this day even - and never think anything of it.

But…

Him and I aren’t family.

He didn’t touch me like that in the library. There were lots of opportunities for him to do so, and he didn’t…

I was so confused!

***

We sat at a table by the window, and for the next hour and a half, tried to find a good handicap that would work for both us. We settled on him playing without his queen and one rook. That seemed to be around the point where he and I were evenly matched.

We were having a blast… I was soaring.

“Ok, so you’ve got to castle early, Ian… You can’t leave your king exposed. Remember, he’s your most important piece. Everything else you plan on doing can wait until you’ve got him situated, ok?”

I nodded. Dazed. Hearing him say my name was electrifying.

Oliver’s face was packed with sincerity. His forehead wrinkled as he spoke. His head tilted. It was clear just how much he liked teaching… I hoped it was that he liked teaching me, in particular, but I wasn’t going to get presumptuous.

***

After packing up the board and pieces, we got in the car and started back towards the school. I was still floating. I couldn’t stop smiling. I just had to make sure that I didn’t smile at HIM too much. I didn’t want to scare him off, not from being my friend or from being - maybe - more.

We arrived back at the school. I drove up to where his car was parked, and stopped.

“Well, I had a great time, dude! I really appreciate all the help you gave me. I haven’t had that much fun in a while… We should… Uh, do this again sometime!” I said.

He didn’t answer.

I saw him reaching for something in his pocket.

He pulled out his iPhone and unlocked it. After pressing a few buttons he handed the phone to me.

He had ‘Add New Contact’ opened, and ‘Ian’ already entered into the name field.

This CANNOT be happening! He wants my number! Thank you God… Oh Jesus…

Remain calm, Ian. Just play it cool.

My soul rejoiced.

My cock gave a standing ovation.

I quickly entered my number in the field and handed the phone back to him. My smile unstoppable. My hands shaking. I didn’t know what that gesture meant… Not completely. But it was a step in the right direction! Holy fuck, was it a step in the right direction!

Ollie has my number! Oh my god! He’s going to text me or something… Fucking A!

***

That night, I sat in my room contemplating the day - minute by minute. Playing it over and over. Trying to make sense of it. I went from thinking that he was just being friendly to thinking he was completely in love with me - and back again - throughout the evening.

I wrote a list of all the things I noticed that he had done earlier that day. The way he looked at me. The way he smiled. Things that would indicate he liked me. Things that indicated he didn’t. I couldn’t think about anything else. Nothing else existed to me. Nothing else mattered.

As much as I hate to admit it, I watched YouTube video after YouTube video with titles like ’10 Ways To Tell If a Guy Likes You’ or ‘5 Signs That Your Friend is Gay’.

I had fallen through that trap door. It was dangerous. I knew that, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed him. And I hoped that - one day - he’d need me too.

Then, out of nowhere, came a thought that stopped my little party, cold.

What if I turned out to be HIS Danielle?

She thought there was something more between us, and she’d even been physical with me quite a few times. If anyone should have been able to see the truth it was her, but she only saw what she wanted to see. My deceit sure didn’t help things, I admit. But still.

What if I was doing the same thing with Oliver?

I felt sick. My face drooping, lifeless.

I was so twisted between extremes… Every ounce of energy had been sucked out of me. I couldn’t make sense of anything. And now I had all these conflicted feelings about my own ‘relationship’ with Oliver.

If this is what ‘love’ feels like, then no fucking thank you. This sucks ass. Dirty ass, at that.

Just then my phone beeped. I slowly, and without any enthusiasm, picked it up.

My spirits lifted.

It was a number I didn’t recognize. Maybe it was Ollie.

‘hey. it’s oliver.. was thinking of havin sum guys from the club over on fri… we will prob just play chess, mayb play sum smash bros, we’ll prob order pizza too. u interested?’

AM I INTERESTED? UMMMM… FUCK YES?

Me: ‘yea, i’m def interested man. sounds fun!’

Ollie: ‘k, i’ll txt u my address..’

It was hard to stay in a bad mood after that. Ollie was bringing me into his friend group. That meant he either considered me a friend, or - I hoped - he was introducing me to his friends because he wanted me in his life…

I wish he had invited just me… But I’ll take what I can get. I just hope I’m not making a huge mistake…

But…

He touched me. That touch meant something. Oh God I hope it meant something to him, because it meant everything to me. I want to believe. I need to.

I just pray that I don’t get hurt.

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