The Modern Love Waltz - 7. Chapter 7

7: Revelation

I think that me coming to terms with sexuality would have been a taxing and emotional experience. I had never really viewed myself as gay, just not interested in women. I probably would never have come to this point if it hadn't been for Zach.

At this point I should be wondering whether or not this is something I actually want for myself. Do I want to be gay? Of course not... who would? But I am faced with a choice: live my life as a lie and pretend the rest of my life or accept what I am.

This whole experience has essentially been watered down, or at least hidden by the fact that I've essentially been forced to help Zach and Beau deal with their similar problem. Having never been a very caring person, taking care of these two guys has been a different experience.

*~*~*

The sky had cleared since this afternoon. The sun was shining as it began to set. Chris and I were walking to my grandfather's old sports car that had been over grown by vines in a barn placed far away from the home. He sat on the porch as we walked away from the house. We pretended to make normal conversation until we rounded a corner behind the abandoned side cottage.

"So Chris," I said, my expression falling instantly.

"S-s-s-sam..." Chris tried to think about what he was going to say. "I'm so sorry f-f-f-for last night."

We had reached the shed that held the car. We stood behind it, completely hidden. "Sorry?!" I laughed.

Chris and I were similar heights, though other than that we really weren't very similar. His hair was longer and a dirty blonde as opposed to my pure blond, shaved cut. He was skinny, not scrawny, but definitely not muscular. I at least am cut, with a perfect six-pack. I almost felt superior to him just by my looks alone. This was odd, because I was never one to be full of myself due to my good looks.

Chris jumped at me. My first instinct was to try and fight him off (or at least defend myself). Though in my current state, I was not in fighting shape and I simply fell back. Chris carefully landed on top of me, making sure not to hurt me. He planted his lips on mine.

His tongue snaked into my mouth and we connected. I closed my eyes and lost myself briefly. Having just judged him as an awkward, normal-looking guy, it was interesting to see how passionately I responded to the kiss.

I reached my hand behind his head, grabbing his hair in my fist and pulled his face into mine, forcing our bodies to touch. The weight of him on my wounds caused a sharp pain. The kiss was interrupted by my sharp intake of breath.

Chris quickly pulled back and off to the side of me. "I'm sorry! Are you okay?"

I laughed again. I just couldn't believe this was happening... again. He still looked worried about me. "I'm fine," I chuckled.

Then probably the most surprising thing yet happened, I placed myself on top of him and picked up where we left off. As this continued Chris seemed to behave more reluctant. He pushed me away. I took the hint and broke the kiss.

"Does this make me a fag?" Chris asked.

I reached my hand down to his groin and grabbed his erection through his jeans, "I'd say yes... this makes you a fag." I laughed.

He pushed me off of him. "What the fuck?!"

"What?" I laughed. It was probably the fact that I didn't care about his feelings at all that caused me to be so forward. "You kissed me first, remember? Or was that just you trying to attack me again?"

His face reddened. "I'm n-n-not a fag," he stated as he stood up leaving me sitting in the grass.

"Oh yeah? I beg to differ. And so do parts of you," I chuckled nodding towards his crotch.

"Whatever," he muttered. "Let's go back. I'm sure your grandfather is expecting us back."

"Help me up?" I said reaching my hand out. He grabbed it. I pulled him towards me for one last kiss.

"S-s-s-stop!" He shouted letting go of my hand. I managed to get myself up, with some sufficient pain to my side.

I instantly felt braver. I felt like I wanted to humiliate Chris somehow. I wanted to make him feel like nothing. "So what are you going to do when I tell Wes and Billy what we just did?"

His eyes widened in horror. "P-p-p-ple..." He couldn't even get his first word out.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna tell," I sighed.

Chris let out an audible sigh of relief. "Thanks."

As we started walking back to the house Chris stopped. "What?" I asked

He stood in front of me with his arms straightened out to his sides and his legs spread slightly. "Take a shot."

"What?!" I chuckled.

"Take a shot. I owe you a free shot."

"Ha! Do have a knife on you?" I laughed. His face fell; he realized that this was not nearly a fair trade to what he had done to me.

"I never u-u-used a knife," he muttered.

"Yeah but I bet you watched them use a knife on me," I grumbled. "A free shot?"

He nodded then closed his eyes in preparation for the striking blow. With his eyes closed I took my free shot. I plastered my lips on his once more. This time he took it without any fight. His arms fell to his side and he inched closer to me.

This kiss lasted even longer than the first two. He lightly placed his hands on my sides and began carefully caressing my body. I put my hands on his hips and forced his body against mine rubbing my crotch to his.

After a couple minutes of this steamy interaction Chris softly pulled away from me. He looked defeated, "What do you expect from me?"

"Huh?"

"I can't be anything to you. I'm a n-n-nobody. I'll never admit anything, and I'll never come out of any closets. I'm a gay b-b-basher and I don't think that'll ever change. I don't deserve you and you certainly shouldn't be so m-m-m-masochistic as to try anything with me," he softly spoke.

"Why do I have to expect anything?" I asked. "Why can't this just happen. Why do I have to look to the future so much? I'm here, now... why worry about what will happen?"

"I'm no good for y-y-y-you," Chris's voice deflated.

"Stop being a fucking cliché!" I laughed, I obviously wasn't taking this as seriously as he was. Maybe it's because this was the third time someone came out to me in the last three days.

"I'm s-s-s-serious. I d-d-d-don't..."

I placed a quick peck on his lips to interrupt him. "Listen, I don't care."

We began to walk again. There was an awkward silence between the two of us. It seemed we had said everything there was to say. I broke the silence, "why don't you stutter around Wes and Billy?"

Chris winced. I don't know if it was because I mentioned the stutter or Wes and Billy. "I d-d-d-don't know."

I laughed.

"Fuck you," Chris muttered.

"Oh come on.... Don't be such a girl! It's just a stutter!" I replied. When I said that he chuckled a little with me. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I was being totally direct. "Do you hang around with them and gay bash people because you don't stutter when you do that?" My tone of voice had become and serious monotone.

Chris seemed to realize this with me. "I've never thought of that. I-I-I guess so."

*~*~*

I found myself in the most odd of situations. Having been three days since I essentially was forced out of the closet I had three men lined up. One of which, a beautiful, muscular military man who seemed to love me. Another being the reluctant mechanic who cared about me. And the third being the stuttering gay basher who wanted nothing to do with me, though for some reason I wanted everything to do with him.