I'm not exactly sure when I dozed off. I just know there was a significant gap of missing time between my orgasm and my return to conscious thought. I might have only been out of it for a few minutes, but as relaxed as I was at that moment, it felt like 13 hours worth of peaceful rest. I could barely feel Brody's arms around me. His embrace was so loving. So gentle. And yet, something about it felt so safe.
If that makes any sense.
As much as I wanted to believe, something in my heart put limitations on just how deep I could let this blissful feeling get. I spent so many years building walls around my heart, covering them with poisonous thorns and daring anyone to test the boundaries. Scaring me into believing that my heart would poison itself and stop dead if I allowed it to beat too hard, even in the embrace of the boy I loved.
I felt Brody's sweet lips kiss the top of my head, and my arms involuntarily moved to constrict around his slender frame. A tiny little whimper escaping my throat as I fought to hold on to the joy for just a little bit longer.
No such luck.
My happiness was already fading. Evaporating into thin air as an ice cold reality moved in to take its place. I loosened my arms. I lifted my head. So disappointed that this feeling just...wasn't meant to last.
I don't know why, but I was almost embarrassed by the intimacy. It felt 'wrong'. As though...I was an idiot for falling into it with such reckless abandon. It's like that feeling you'd get if someone were to put on a dorky space alien costume and jumped out from behind a corner to scare the living shit out of you. Sure, you jump and scream and are overwhelmed by the moment...but once the scare is over, the only thing left is the laughter of the people who fooled you, and the sick feeling of falling for something so stupid. Could love be the same way? Am I always going to be this damaged inside? Even though I see it for what it is, a defect....a disorder in my thinking...will it still remain forever broken? Because, hard as I try...I just can't fall for the trick. I'm trying, Brody. I'm trying soooo hard....
I lifted my head, and Brody's stunningly bright hazel eyes met my own. It made me soooo weak in the stomach to have him look at me like that. To see those soulful, bedroom, eyes up close was truly a religious experience for me. Each and every time. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before. Even from him. I took a second to enjoy the gentle shiver that his lovely gaze inspired within me...and then forced myself to turn away. I slowly rolled further to the side, sliding out of Brody's loving arms and putting a small amount of distance between us to make it easier for me to breathe.
He raised up onto one elbow, never taking his eyes off of me. I didn't look back, but I could feel his stare on me. I wasn't quite sure what to sat to him. All I know was that his loving touch lingered within me. It was like I could still feel his arms and legs wrapped around me. Like I could still taste the sweetness of his scent with every breath. As hard as I ejaculated just minutes before...I found it a miracle that I was able to get even harder than I was before once thoughts of doing it again crossed my mind. Just imagine...I could have more if I wanted it. If I only had the courage to ask him. It almost seemed too easy. I'm not used to things being easy.
"My mom should be home in about an hour and a half or so..." Brody started, and I didn't let him finish.
"Oh! Yeah....right. Sure. I'm sorry." I said. I stood up, not sure which way to turn. Wondering if I should hide my newly stiffened boner, or my bare ass from him. I covered up a bit with my hands, and searched Brody's bedroom floor for my underwear. I was sure that I could be dressed in five minutes...I just....I needed to find my stuff.
"Zack?" Brody asked.
"No, it's ok. I just...I don't remember where my clothes are."
"Hehehe, they're in the dryer, remember? They were soaking wet when we got here."
Stupid. How could I forget that? "Oh...right. Heh...um...can I just walk to your dryer with your robe on or....?"
He gave me the strangest look. "Hehehe, who says you have to 'walk' anywhere? Where are you going?"
Brody giggled in the cutest way, his face rolling into the pillow...his amazing body, still naked and slightly blushed a tender shade of pink from our lovemaking. But even though his giggles were sweet hearted and harmless, I felt so ashamed that I almost wanted to cry right there on the spot.
Brody said, "Hehehe, I said my mom would be home in an hour and a half! That wasn't, like...a hint for you to get all panicky and rush out of here. What are you doing?"
Already getting misty eyed, I said, "Don't laugh at me, ok?"
"I'm not laughing at you, it's just...it's cute, the way you always think I'm pushing you out the door."
"I know. But still....just don't, k?" I said, feeling even worse for letting the insecure words leave my mouth. "I just...I can't handle you laughing at me."
Deep down, I knew that he didn't mean it like that. But it hurt just the same. I think a part of me wanted to destroy the moment. I wanted to wreck everything and go back to being far enough away from him emotionally to look at things objectively. Being so wrapped up in this lovely sensation is making me weak. So very weak.
Brody gave me a bit of a confused look. I was being an asshole wasn't I? I apologized immediately, and put his robe on to cover up so I could get my stuff and leave.
He called out to me before I could get out of his room. "Zach? Jesus...wait." I turned around to face him, but I didn't look him in the eye. "What are you....?" Brody beckoned to me. "Zach, come here. Come on. Lay with me for a little while."
"It's ok. I know you didn't mean anything. You don't have to explain. I just wanted to get my clothes and stuff so I could...."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah....forget all that. Come here. Hehehe! I'm serious. Quit bein' weird." He smiled. He patted the warm space on the mattress next to him, and a violent flutter of bat wings went absolutely ape shit CRAZY inside of my stomach. It was hard for me to swallow. I don't know why it was so hard to take that first step forward towards the bed. But once I did...I didn't know why I was so compelled to do so. I nervously sat on the very edge of the bed. As far to the edge of the bed as I possibly could without falling off of it and slamming my butt on the floor. There was a pause while Brody waited for me to move closer, but when I didn't, he reached out his hand and poked me playfully in the side a few times with his finger. "Hehehe, what kind of game is this? What are you doing?" He asked.
"STOP apologizing!" He giggled. "Come HERE, already!" Brody yanked me backwards, and forced me to swing my legs around so I was laying flat on my back. Then he got on top of me and pinned my arms back. He looked into my eyes, and even though I tried to look away, he followed my head back and forth until I had no choice but to laugh out loud and close my eyes all the way.
I could feel Brody's feather weight frame on top of me, our bodies still naked and rubbing together, but in this really comfortable, non-sexual, way. I was thrilled beyond belief to be in such contact with a boy soooo beautiful...but I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it unless I kept my eyes closed. Even if I was grinning from ear to ear.
I tried to move my arms, but Brody forced them back down to the bed and giggled again. "Unh unh! Where were you planning to go? Huh?" He said, and I suddenly felt his lips delivering a few playful kisses to my lips and cheeks while I squirmed helplessly beneath him. "Open your eyes. I wanna see you. Hehehe!"
I bit my bottom lip, and I shook my head. "No way. I don't wanna."
I felt Brody grind his hips into me, and I nearly whimpered out loud from the sensual friction. He rubbed his nose lightly against mine, and it made me snicker a bit more. But I tried my best to hold it in. "Come on..." He pleaded. "Zack? Hehehe, come on. I wanna see." Then, in a much softer voice, with another soft press of his slender hips into my hardness, he whispered, "Let me see...."
It hurt, keeping it from him. He wasn't playing fair. So...with a long sigh, I allowed my eyes to flutter open again, and focus their attention on one of the most beautiful, most amazing boys that I had ever known. He left me so helpless sometimes.
Then, without much hesitation....Brody moaned, "I love you." And he dipped down to passionately tongue kiss me while I did all I could to remain still. My whole body was tingling. My heartbeat, racing. I know that my arms struggled a bit, possibly from some instinctual reaction that kept me from falling too far in love. But Brody didn't let up. He held my wrists steady, and he kept me from wiggling by holding his weight down on top of me. He forced me to surrender...without any real 'force' at all. It hurt to give in to the moment all over again, but I did it. And you know what....I liked it.
I liked it sooooo much....
For a moment there...this didn't feel like a 'dream' anymore. It almost...I mean, it actually felt almost....
I took a moment to truly appreciate the feeling of sucking hard on Brody's tongue. I think he was impressed and excited by my sudden submission to his charms. I can't believe that I was actually doing something to make a boy like this happy! Omigod!!! How the hell did I manage to pull THAT off???
Then he stopped kissing me, and raised up on his elbows again to look into my eyes. Is it weird that I couldn't hold the eye contact for more than a few seconds? Hehehe! I don't know...it's hard to explain. But...it kinda HURT to love him this way. Not in a bad way. It's like...when you have a sore on you somewhere....and, yeah, it hurts....but you have this strange fascination with the wound that causes you to keep picking at it whenever you get the chance. Digging into the scar before it can heal properly. There's something in you that makes you keep poking it over and over again...because that feeling...that brief moment of agony...it just reminds you of how 'alive' you truly are. It's a good pain, you know? You feel the pain...and it lets you know that you're not exactly numb inside. Even when 'numb' is the safest place to be.
But then, Brody says, "I don't think I've ever been this happy." He says it with a smile, but instead of feeling joy and excitement....I suddenly feel a pressure on me like you wouldn't believe. Brody's gentle weight gets infinitely heavy, and I find myself wanting to give him the world. A gift that I don't possess. Or even have access to. I'm thinking about how I could NEVER match up to the joy that Brody brings to my life. I couldn't even fake it properly. And that acidic set of expectations begin to quickly eat away at my self esteem like an army of angry termites on a cocaine high.
I can't force my 'Just For Brody' smile to go away, but I find it hard to look him in the eye any longer. So as he smiles down upon me, my hands still bound in his grip, I turn my head to the side and do my best to avoid his glistening hazel specs. I was afraid they'd hypnotize me all over again. Sometimes light brown, sometimes light green, sometimes a mysterious and magical concoction of both colors combined. But as soon as I bashfully turned my head to the side, Brody used the vulnerable opportunity to bury his super cute face into the side of my neck. He made this loud, snarling, noise as he chewed wildly at my flesh, and my whole body shriveled up beneath him.
"Hahahaha! BRODY!!!! Stop it!!! Hehehe!" I shouted, and he held me down as he devoured me for a few moments more, ending his assault with a quick, angelic, kiss on my lips.
He relented eventually, and then looked down at me with the sweetest twinkle in his eye.
I held the contact for as long as I could. I really did.
"Why do you always look away from me?" He asked.
The question itself made me breathless. "I dunno...." I said, feeling a heated blush rush up into my cheeks. "I'm ugly." I smiled to keep from putting any guilt on his shoulders...but I doubt he knew just how true that statement was, coming from me.
"I thought we agreed not to say that anymore." He grinned, narrowing his eyes. Sighhhh....everything he did was so adorable. "You know...I thought you were really cute the very first time I saw you. But I was scared to talk to you. I didn't even get your name. I was worried I'd missed my chance." He told me. "Then I met Adam and Sam, and they introduced you as their friend...heh...kinda felt like it was meant to be. Like everything fell in just the right place for a reason, you know?" He smiled at the memory. "I'm too far gone in love with you to let you go now. So you'd better get used to it."
He leaned down, and I felt his nose brush softly against my cheek. My erection sprang to full hardness, and I squinted my eyes shut as the humiliation of having him feel me getting so excited again surged through me like cold swamp water in my veins. I know he noticed. I KNOW he did. He moaned in my ear, and began to kiss me lightly on the cheek. I was trying to give in. I was forcing my muscles to relax. Forcing the voices in my head to stay silent. It's a good thing, Zack. He loves you. He said so. Just accept it. It's ok. It's ok....it's...it's ok...
It hurt. Why does it hurt? I almost started to tear up again, but I took a deep breath, and I turned my head to kiss Brody's sweet lips again. Praying that his passion would help to soothe my nerves and keep me from trembling in his arms. Relax. Just....don't think. Go blank. Stay blank. Brody can guide me towards a better life...if only I can go numb long enough to let him.
My arms went around him, and I felt his hips slowly humping me from above. His skin was like silk. Just feeling my palms siding up to his soft shoulders, and then back down to the small of his back, feeling that sensual rise as they reached the beginning of those tight, dimpled, mounds...it made me whimper from the overwhelming bliss of it all. Feeling him kiss me deeply, his tongue licking slowly at my own, his heated breath falling softly on my cheek, the erotic motion of his hips as they pushed our excited manhood into a feverish rhythm...my sense were all on fire. I wanted to ravish every inch of him, pushing my thoughts of rejection and disappointment aside, and simply letting this happen. I think it was actually working. For the next few moments, I felt as though my chains had been broken. My prison walls has been destroyed. And that one moment of liberation was, perhaps, the sexiest part of all.
It didn't take long for me to feel another orgasm approaching. It was too soon. I had become so overheated that my hardness was already beginning to twitch and spasm. I prayed that I could hold out for a few minutes longer, but I had no control over Brody's passionate movements on top of me. I hated myself. I'm losing it already. What is he going to say when I cum all over myself like an idiot. I can't hold it. God....I can't HOLD it! No! Unghhh....
Unable to do anything more than clutch to Brody's slender body with both arms and legs, pushing my hips up into him hard as my muscles tightened up and my brain began to tingle...I held my breath and attempted to keep myself from shouting Brody's name out in desperation. I shook violently, whimpering helplessly as the familiar pulses of ejaculation began throbbing with primal urgency. Brody pressed his lips even tighter to my own as he felt the wetness splashing up against his tight little stomach. I completely lost it. All of it. I came soooo much that I was literally ashamed of myself for it. I gasped for air, and found that I couldn't get my arms and legs to let Brody go. They constricted around his body with even more power in their already vice like grip. I couldn't bear to look at him. Would he laugh at me? Or would he pretend that everything was ok again? I couldn't tell, but I was too afraid to find out.
My erection continued to twitch and spasm, even after the orgasm had gone dry. Brody continued to slide his body up and down against me, eventually breaking our kiss and putting his chin over my shoulder. He was now focused on reaching a hot climax of his own, and I let my hands caress him tenderly as he gradually picked up the pace. He began to moan with every thrust, each one slightly in a higher pitch than the one before it. And I turned my head to suckle sweetly at his earlobe. I think that did something to him, because it instantly triggered a full blown eruption just seconds later.
I just remember feeling almost as if I was being 'blessed' by having his warm seed cover me the way it was. With Brody lost in the excitement of his gushing nectar, and me already becoming too sensitive to touch...we shared something that went beyond sex. Our souls were forever entangled. And yet I seemed to be the only one trying to get away. Why? I want this. I want to be an equal participant in what's going on here. I want him to have me. ALL of me. Not just the 'safe' parts.
I'm gonna try. Dammit....I'm really gonna TRY!
Some moments pass. Brody was still on top of me, but he doesn't feel heavy at all. In fact, I think I really liked having him pressing down on me like this. I could hear him panting softly over my shoulder, and when I slid my hands up his backside he quivered with delight, and a light giggle escaped his lips. He raised up onto his elbows again, and he kissed me. "Mmmm...." He grinned.
I turned red in the face, but even though it was a struggle, I valiantly fought the urge to turn away this time. My heart actually felt like it was cramping up on me, it was beating so hard. But I kept my eyes on his, and I just...allowed myself to float on cloud 9 for a moment. It wasn't easy. And yet, I could feel the tension leaving me. As if I had been encased in heavy block of ice for an eternity...and Brody's sunshine was finally causing it to melt away.
He was mine. Oh my God...he was really mine.
Unable to control myself, I quickly lurched up and kissed Brody on the lips. The shock on his face made me laugh.
"That was just for you. Hehehe!" I said.
"Wow. I'm honored." He giggled in response. "You know....I um...I liked that thing you did..."
"The ear thing." He said, shyly.
"Yeah. That was hot." He leaned down and said, "Do it again."
"Unh unh..." I teased.
"C'mon! It's sexy. Do it for me." He whined, and I rolled my eyes a little bit before reaching up with my lips, and giving his earlobe another long suck. Brody shivered and said, "Yeah....definitely hot."
Then, I felt him sliding down the bed until his face was even with the mess we had recently made between us. His eyes looked up at me with a mischievous gleam, and before I could even ask him what he was doing, he stuck out his tongue and gave the underside of my wilting shaft a long, wet, lick. "Omigod! Brody...." But he did it again. He began to basically 'clean' me up all over down there, and I nervously averted my eyes, gazing up at the ceiling as my body wiggled from the weird sensation. Oh WOW, that felt good! Almost too good. Both of my hands went down to rest on Brody's shoulders, my legs going weak on me as his warm tongue laved long trails of pleasure on my balls, and then up to my stomach. I heard myself whimper a few times, but held it in as best as I could. Even when they caught me by surprise.
I was breathing so hard that Brody began snickering to himself. Then he said, "It's good. You wanna try some?"
"Huh? Do I wanna what?" I asked.
Brody climbed back, and straddled my waist...taking his length, and rubbing the spongy head around in some of the stickiness left behind. He gathered up a nice coating on his rose blushed tip, and then scooted up on the bed to present it to my lips for feeding. I giggled sheepishly for a moment, but with his smile bearing down on me, he put his hands on the headboard, and he guided himself into my mouth, my lips creating a suction strong enough to pull the honey sweet flavor onto my tongue.
I loved the taste of him. Of us. I never wanted this day to end. Never.
Brody and I spent a good fifteen minutes just laying there, side by side, softly whispering jokes to one another as we listened to the falling rain outside of his bedroom window. We were both so dizzy with passion, so lost in one another's presence, that we were almost late getting up before his mom came home. We had to take a quick shower together...which ended up being more of a make out session than a shower. And we had to get my clothes out of the dryer and get me dressed again before she walked through that door.
Even then, Brody kissed and cuddled me until the very moment he heard his mom's keys in the back door. He didn't want to let me go. He loved me that much. And I let him. For the first time, I really felt as though this could be true. That I could be worth his time, and not a waste of it. Something strange was happening to me. Suddenly....I didn't want to ever go home again. I was finally outrunning the reality of my situation....
...I wasn't looking forward to having it catch up to me again.
I actually got to meet Brody's mom, and she was the sweetest lady in the whole WORLD to me! Honestly, I could easily see where Brody got his super bright eyes and sexy smile from. Just seeing the two of them together...it was like...wow. I could just see it. They had this really witty and fun relationship with each other. It was crazy to see a mother and son be so close. But even though they seemed like the perfect duo....Brody was constantly looking up at me with those sexy eyes of his, and giving me a boyish smirk, as if to remind me that we had been rolling around naked in his room just an hour or two earlier. I don't think I ever blushed so hard. And that only led to Brody laughing at me again for being so goofy over him. The funny thing is...it didn't feel like he was doing it to be hurtful anymore. I didn't feel the sting of embarrassment like I had before. In fact I actually felt as though I got to enjoy the theme of the joke as much as he did.
How did he do it? How did Brody manage to lift me so far out of my misery that it didn't have a way to touch me anymore? I was baffled by his ability to make me laugh. And I mean, like...ALL the time! I couldn't stop. It was so surreal.
Brody's mom actually asked me to stay over for dinner. Brody had a hand in that, I'm sure, but it's not like he had to ask twice. She told me to call my parents and let them know where I was....which only led to me leaving the room and taking the phone off of the hook for a few minutes. I covered the cordless phone up with a pillow to keep them from hearing the alarm and the operator come on. I just...I didn't want to leave. Besides..my father wouldn't let me back in. Not until my mom came home. Going home early would be a HUGE mistake. I was sure of it.
So, I made my fake phone call, and I lied and told her that it would be alright if I stayed for dinner. If I remained in Heaven with my favorite angel for just a little bit longer. I felt bad for lying to her after she had been so nice to me...but it's kind of what I do. I'm a liar. It's the glue that holds my life together. Without it, everything falls apart. And I didn't want that. Not now when things are just beginning to get good.
Brody's mom made this awesome chicken pasta type of thing, with garlic and dried tomatoes. Oh my God! I have to remember the name of it so I can make it for my mom some time. She'd love that! Watching Brody eat was so cute. I don't know why....it just, fascinated me, seeing him do the most random and mundane things on a daily basis. It just...it reminds me that he's an actual, REAL, boy...and he does regular things, even when I'm not around. I don't know why that's so awesome to me, but it is. I smiled at him the whole time from across the dinner table. But I remembered my manners. I was very quiet. Very neat and clean. Kept my napkin in my lap. And when we finished, I got up and cleared the whole table for everybody else.
Brody's mom gave me the weirdest look, and then she smiled at her son, "I think I like this boy." She grinned. "You could learn a few things, kiddo."
I was a bit lost at first. I think I was so used to being yelled at that it was a completely alien experience to me to have someone appreciate my servitude in such an open and honest way.
I put the dishes in the sink. It crossed my mind that maybe I embarrassed Brody by doing that in front of his mom. Stupid. So STUPID! Brody shares everything with me, and I go and humiliate him in front of his mom?
But just as the self loathing thoughts began, I looked back to see Brody smiling at me again. Fueling me with better thoughts than the ones I was having at the moment. Keep trying, Zack. You'll find a balance soon. I know you will.
I rinsed out the plates in the sink, and looked for the dish soap to start washing before Brody's mom stopped me. She said, "Are you kidding me? You boys go relax for a while. I'll do the dishes. Put that down." She said.
"I...I don't mind. You were so nice to cook dinner and all. I just want to help...." I said.
"You're a guest in our home. No arguments. Go." She said, having to physically push me away from the sink. I started to feel bad. Like I would be punished for my laziness. But I shut my eyes and silenced the voices inside. It'll be ok. I wanna be normal. Let it go. I can walk away. She said it was ok.
"Ok...." I said. I still felt guilty, but I made an effort to just....let her do it. That's progress, right? I mean...I'm trying right? I'm fighting against my every instinct, and I'm making it a point to connect with the boy I love. I wonder if other people take this kind of inner conflict and struggle. I wonder if they know know how lucky they are to not have to live with this almost sickening fear of ruining everything good in their lives with the simples of words or actions. Who knows? All I know is...Brody is asking me to be better. And for HIM....I'm going to spend every waking moment trying to be better. If not for me, then for him.
Brody and I went back to his room to play video games. The bastard kept catching me off guard by kissing me on the cheek every five minutes or so! Hahaha! He'd wait until I was more focused on the screen than I was on him, and he'd lean over and kiss me again. Until I finally slid off of his bed and sat on the floor, so I would be protected from his random attacks. But then he just dropped his controller completely, and tackled me to the rug, smothering me with kisses anyway. I can't remember the last time I had soooo much fun! Hahaha! Oh wow, I'm laughing! I'm actually laughing! Every part of me feels good! And Brody is the reason for it all!
"You need a ride home, Zack? I don't want you out in this storm. It's pretty nasty out there." Brody's mom made the offer, and I didn't even realize that it was 9:30 PM. My time with Brody was at an end. It was a school night. I had no excuses to give her. None.
"Um...it's ok. I mean, I can take a...bus or something..." I said.
"Dude....a bus? Seriously?" Brody asked.
His mom said, "Don't be silly. Come on. I'll drop you off."
She left to put her shoes on and grab an umbrella and all. I was left there in Brody's room...standing there on weak knees...still unable to look him in the eyes. It hurt to humble myself in front of him, but...I had to say this. I just had to.
I told him, "Brody? I really...um...I really appreciate you...coming to get me and all today. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't. So...thank you..."
"Hehehe, hey, if you ask me, you locking yourself out of the house was the best thing that could have happened to me today."
I was confused for a second. And then I remembered. "Oh....right. Locked myself out...."
"Hey, if I had to choose between sitting here doing nothing and kissing you...I'll choose you every time."
Misty eyed, I asked him, "Do you really mean that?"
He laughed, and hugged me around my neck. "No foolin'." He grinned. Then he said, "Get your shoes. I'm coming with you. I don't want my mom gabbing to you about my life or showing you any baby pictures. I've gotta keep a close eye on that broad. Hehehe!"
Brody gave me a little kiss, and he left me standing there to put his shoes on. It's real. The dream isn't ending. I'm not waking up. And I turned my back to him as a stray tar fell from my eye.
Just hold on, Zack. Hold on. This just might be an adventure worth having after all.