With Trust - 12. Not A Guy

Milo’s everything flu turned out to be a even worse than it first appeared, and he was out for the rest of the week. I’d tried calling every night to tell him how our assignment was going, but I only managed to get him on the phone twice. The first time he couldn’t stop coughing long enough to have a conversation, only managed to tell me that he was contagious and not to come over before he hung up on me. I resisted the urge to call him back, even though there were several ways in which I wouldn’t have minded catching the flu, all of them involving being in close proximity to Milo. The second time I’m pretty sure he fell asleep while I was in the middle of telling him how Caleb had ‘babysat’ for us twice. I’d left out mentioning that it was probably because my friend still felt bad about our mini-fight, but I don’t think Milo heard any of it, anyway.

Because he was sick, there was no reason to pass by his locker during the day. I wanted to do everything I could to avoid Jame Graham. I felt like it was the least I could do, since I didn’t doubt that when Milo wasn’t so busy being sick, he’d be plenty stressed out over my and Jame’s confrontation. I didn’t want to make it worse. That’s why I made a point to make sure Caleb was avoiding Jame, too, just in case Assface was stupid enough to cue him into the fact that he’d tried attacking me.

Caleb’s mood towards his worst enemy lately had me worried more than usual, but it wasn’t as if Jame were helping the situation; he’d taken to staring every one of us down every time the opportunity presented itself. Even Haily had been the beneficiary of his cold looks lately, but in her case I don’t think she minded as much as the rest of us since it meant he wasn’t hitting on her.

On Friday, I’d just turned our doll in to Mrs. Bates, just as relieved to do so as everyone else in class, when the door to the classroom trailer opened, letting in a strong gust of wind that interrupted the pages of our opened textbook, and it was pulled closed just as fast, as soon as Milo Trust was standing on the right side of it.

He was late, but didn’t bother going to Mrs. Bates first. She didn’t seem to appreciate that, but continued talking about our written exams next week, seeming satisfied enough that he was already on the way to his seat.

His green eyes sought out mine on his way across the room, and I couldn’t help the smile that stretched over my face any more than I could help the way my fingers reached to pull out his chair for him. In my task to avoid Assface at all costs, I’d been completely ignorant of Milo’s return to school.

A frayed but clean hoodie and a soft-looking pair of jeans covered his tall figure. There were dark circles under his eyes, his dark hair was messed from the wind, making me want to reach up and ruffle it, and his nose was still slightly red from being sick, but at least he could breathe through it as he demonstrated as he sat, inhaling deeply through his nostrils. I found myself staring for a moment, thrilled to have him back and wondering if there was something wrong with me for thinking he was hot even with the evidence in his appearance that he’d been ill.

Milo noticed the attention of my gaze and the high arc of his cheeks colored to match his nose as he sent me an awkward glance.

“Don’t worry, I think we passed,” I whispered.

Milo’s gaze drifted to the stack of dolls on Mrs. Bate’s desk, and then back to me somewhat guiltily. “Sorry I didn’t help.”

I bit at my lower lip. “Want to make it up to me?”

Milo rolled his eyes, and obviously a week wasn’t long enough for him to forget that he liked to ignore me at times like this as he reached for his textbook from his backpack and looked at mine to see what page he was supposed to be on. When I didn’t stop staring at him he finally narrowed his eyes and gave a sharp nod in the direction of Mrs. Bates, indicating that it was time for me to pay attention to something else, but I saw the corner of his mouth twitch in amusement.

I behaved myself for the rest of class, most likely to Milo’s relief, but I still wanted to talk to him and found myself leaning closer to his ear when the class was thoroughly distracted learning what our weekend homework would be. “Can you come over after school?” I whispered.

He looked at me, dark brows drawn together as his mouth turned down, not giving me much hope for his answer. I think I looked disappointed, even more so when Mrs. Bates shot us a perturbed glare and I had to lean back a safer distance. Milo opened his notebook, and since I hadn’t heard our teacher to tell us to write anything down my gaze drifted towards the way his fingers moved over a blue pen and he wrote perfectly arched letters on the white paper.

Meeting with dad.

I met his eyes, understanding, even though I really didn’t. I’d have to remember to ask him what these meetings were about. I didn’t like the sound of it this time even more than I hadn’t the last. Mostly, because this time it was seriously monopolizing my time with my boyfriend, who I’d hardly talked to in a week. And maybe because I’d never gotten around to mentioning Emily’s second visit to my house... or the way she’d stopped by last night, too. Truth be told I didn’t really want to tell him, but I’d promised.

Holding out my palm I waited until he got the hint, slid his notebook between us and handed me the pen.

Later?

Milo looked at what I’d written as soon as Mrs. Bates wasn’t looking and I heard him release a gentle breath before he met my eyes and slowly shook his head. My lip curled at that and I moved the pen over the notebook again.

Need to talk.

Milo regarded me suspiciously and I found myself pressing my lips together in amusement. I wrote, Talk, and whatever you were just thinking. I lifted an eyebrow at him, and he rolled his eyes. Taking back his notebook and pen he went back to ignoring me for a few minutes. Actually, it seemed like more than just a few minutes because for the first time since the semester started, Mrs. Bates announced that we were dividing into groups of four for another one of her games and we could leave our own tables to do it. Seconds later, Haily was sliding a chair between Milo and me, tossing her braid out of her way. Milo was the one who got hit by it this time, but he only looked mildly annoyed as he looked across the table and asked Tim to join us.

The rest of the class seemed to drag on from there, probably because I was biting my tongue, wishing I could get Milo’s attention even for a second. But when we weren’t paying attention to whatever Mrs. Bates was trying to teach us, Haily was talking my ear off about our weekend plans, which I hadn’t been aware we had until I started paying attention to her. Caleb’s sister had finally talked her husband into letting her baptize the new baby and while I remembered Caleb mentioning it a while ago I hadn’t heard anything recently. Obviously, Haily had, and obviously, I was going to be there. Brandon Sholer was also celebrating his birthday and had asked her to come only that morning. Haily was telling me that tomorrow night Caleb was going to pick all of us up at six o’clock to go when I noticed Milo eyeing me warily. I guess after the last Brandon Sholer party I’d been to he was allowed to look at me like that. I smiled at him. “Are you going?” I asked.

Haily looked at Milo expectantly, too, which I guess was better than the usual suspicious glances she was prone to assaulting him with.

“I don’t think so,” Milo replied, not very surprisingly.

I bit at my lip, promising with my eyes to try to change his mind later.

Then the bell rang, and I felt helpless when Haily grabbed my arm, ready to get the heck out of Hellschool as I looked back at Milo, still wanting to talk.

“Nelson?” Milo called, and I stopped so fast to turn and face him that I nearly threw Haily, still attached to my arm, to the ground.

“Hey!” she objected, taking the time to elbow me.

“Sorry,” I said sheepishly, and then looked at Milo.

Unfortunately, he seemed cautious as he regarded Haily, and I doubt what he wanted was my notes for the last week when he asked for them.

“You don’t want his notes, trust me,” Haily said, surprising both of us, I think, and Milo and I exchanged glances when she unzipped her backpack to look for hers.

Not bothering to stop her, because first, her notes probably were a lot better than mine, and second because she seemed momentarily distracted, I looked at Milo and tried to sound as casual as possible when I said, “Emily stopped by my house again.”

Haily looked up. “Who’s Emily?” she asked, holding out her purple notebook for Milo. He took it almost carefully, like it might bite him. I’m not sure if it was because Haily was giving him the offering or because his mind was on my words. At the moment he seemed particularly difficult to read.

“His dad’s fiancée,” I said carefully. “She’s thinking about having her wedding on our property.”

Haily’s eyes brightened at that. “Thompson Trust is getting married at your place?”

I opened my mouth to object to that, but Milo spoke first. “Yeah. I heard her telling my dad this morning.”

I looked at Milo, surprised, and hoped I didn’t look as ill as I suddenly felt. Not only was he against his father’s wedding, he was pretty damn opposed to having it anywhere near me, too. I was instantly worried, wondering in what ways this might affect us. It was like I was forever wondering where I stood with Milo Trust, even though lately, I could admit that he was making more of an effort where I was concerned. Finally telling Jame off was a nice step in the right direction, but when things came down to his father I wasn’t sure of how tolerant he could be.

Haily laughed happily. “That is too cool. It’s probably going to be huge. Do you get to be there, Nels? I mean, it’s your house.”

I opened my mouth, liking the opportunity to tell Milo that I absolutely, wouldn’t be anywhere near that wedding, but again, he beat me to it.

Sliding Haily’s notes neatly into his bag he heavily shrugged his shoulders, more in defeat than in acceptance of the situation. “You can all come. I can invite whoever I want.”

Haily grinned, and might have gone as far as thanking him if he wasn’t already walking past us.

“Do you think there will be a dress code?” Haily asked. “Probably. Nels...”

“Haily,” I cut her off, “can I meet you in the parking lot?” I didn’t wait for an answer, I was already going after Milo. It didn’t take much to catch up with him because the classroom trailers were far enough from the school that the crowds were thin.

As soon as I was away from the warmth of the heater inside I was assaulted by icy wind and found myself frowning when I noticed that other than his hoodie, Milo hadn’t bothered to bring a jacket. I felt like my own mother, wanting to lecture him over the fact that he’d just been sick and should stay warm, but instead as I reached him I dropped my hand on his shoulder, causing him to spin around in alarm before he realized it was me. “Are you okay?” I asked.

Milo frowned at me. “I’ve really got to get home,” he insisted.

I sighed. “What about Emily?”

His frown depended, his eyes giving away that he was just as sore about the woman’s decisions as I suspected he was. “I’d rather not be around her, okay? So...”

If she was going to be around my place, he wouldn’t be. I was quickly growing frustrated. “Milo... shit.” Over his shoulder I spotted Assface, coming in our direction, and suddenly I felt the need to rush. A glance over his shoulder told Milo exactly what my problem was and he opened his mouth, probably to dismiss me. “Let’s do something this weekend,” I blurted. “Doesn’t have to be at my place, or yours. Tomorrow night.”

He eyed me. “Brandon Sholer’s party is tomorrow night.”

I forced a smile. “It’ll be perfect then. Everyone else will be there. Please?”

He cocked his head, his eyes lowering in confusion as he thought that over. “You want to skip it?” he asked.

I nodded. “Tomorrow night?”

Milo didn’t seem ready to make any promises, but as Jame neared he finally said, “I’ll call you.”

“Okay,” I agreed, and then smirked at him. “Just remember that if you don’t I’ll probably just show up.”

He glared at me, but seemed more amused by my threat than anything. I stood there for a few moments, watching as he met Jame and walked away. I really, really wished that I was the one he’d been walking away with.
........................

I’d gotten home from school furious with my parents, but they beat me to the conversation by saying that they didn’t see how hosting a wedding was going affect me and Milo in the slightest. Maybe I agreed with them there, but it wasn’t really me who cared in the first place. It was Milo, and that mattered just as much.

“Nelson, please don’t be angry,” my mom pleaded. Her hair was pulled back into a long braid not unlike Haily’s, only she’d tied a rag over the top of her head to hold it all back. Dressed in paint-colored overalls she had a roller in hand, having randomly decided that she wanted to paint the upstairs hallway an odd shade of green. The paint fumes were already getting to me, and not in that pleasant way it did when I was around Milo, and her tie-dyed overalls were making me feel dizzy when I looked at them.

“Please, please tell her no,” I begged. “Mom, you don’t get him... actually, I don’t get him, but I know it would probably be a lot better if they just had their wedding somewhere else.”

My mom frowned. Obviously, she wanted to be reasonable. She always wanted to be reasonable, but that always seemed a little harder for her when she thought I wasn’t. Like now.

“I didn’t want to bring this up,” she said, “but they are paying to have it here, just like they would anywhere else.”

My eyes widened slightly. “Mom, are we...”

“Everything’s fine, Nelson,” she insisted, looking a little exasperated with me. “But college doesn’t pay for itself, and quite frankly...”

“I won’t go to college,” I quickly volunteered.

She narrowed her eyes at me in a way that suggested that was entirely unacceptable. “Quite frankly,” she continued, “this is none of your business. I’m not going to say no... not that I’d be offended if Emily chose to have her wedding somewhere else.”

I frowned and finally dropped the backpack I was still carrying to reach for a brush when my mom continued rolling paint onto the wall. She was quick to swat my hand away the moment I got near the paint. “Don’t you dare, you look too nice in those clothes to go ruining them.”
I sighed. “Mom...”

“Have you even tried talking to Milo?” my mom interrupted. “More to the point, has Milo tried talking to Emily?”

I made the same face I thought he would over that suggestion. “Why would he?”

She looked at me pointedly. “Because believe it or not, if he told her he didn’t want them getting married here, she’d probably listen to him. Not that I see what the big deal is... but I’ve had a few sit-downs with her and she actually pretty... sweet. Very nice girl. I also know she’s very aware that Milo doesn’t care for her very much, and she’d like to get to know him better. Maybe he just needs to give her the chance, because regardless of where Emily and his father get married... they’re still getting married.”

Okay... maybe I could see the reason in that. All of it, actually. And I think I was qualified to know just how hard it was to get to know Milo Trust. Going on five months later and I was still working on it. But still, it seemed to me it would be easier when it came to continuing to get to know him if I could just... “You can’t just tell her no? Really?”

“Really.” Given her tone, that was simply the end of that. Damn it.
...................

It was snowing and wasn’t supposed to stop until sometime tomorrow, but I still found myself out on the back deck, my blond head quickly collecting the snowflakes as I attempted to see past the storm that was dropping over the field. I held the phone to my ear, not really knowing what to say to Milo Trust, who’d just informed me that we wouldn’t be meeting tonight.

“I’m not afraid to drive in this,” I said quietly, really wanting to see him and worried that he was about to let a little bad weather get in the way of that. Okay. A lot of bad weather. But I wasn’t ready to give up that easily.

I heard Milo sigh. “I have to hang out with Jame.”

My eyes narrowed as if I thought he could see it. “Why?” I asked, doing a terrible job of keeping my tone neutral.

“You know why. I have some things I need to sort out with him after you...”

“None of that was my fault,” I said defensively. “I swear, I’m trying to avoid him.”

“I know,” Milo said before I could add something insulting about Assface to that. “I’m going to talk to him.”

Regardless of all my wishing that Milo would give Jame Graham a firm talking-to, I felt his timing with it completely sucked. “Fine. Will you come by when you’re done... or call me? It’s not like Emily is here now.”

“I don’t know, it’ll probably be late.”

I closed my eyes, my nostrils inhaling a smotheringly cold breath of air. The happiness that had hit me when he walked into class yesterday afternoon was fading fast as my insecurities over him mounted. Hot and cold. And Jame. Well, screw Assface. “Milo... will you at least say it?”

“Say what?” he asked, his tone as suspicious as it was confused.

“That you don’t want to see me. Or something. Because if that’s the case I’d really like to get to the part where I get to be mad at you for it.”

“You’re already mad at me,” he pointed out, not seeming remorseful or even put out by it. “And I’m not going to say that. If it’s not too late, I’ll call you when I get back.”

“Fine,” I said, unable to help my hostility over it. I hung up on him, deciding it would be better than him hanging up on me if I kept arguing with him, which I would have liked to do. Maybe I could understand him needing to spend some time with Jame... a little, anyway. But not tonight.

I’d already blown off my friends for the evening, but suddenly I needed to get out. I’m not even sure I wanted to be around if he did happen to call. Maybe then he’d understand what being blown-off felt like.

I dialed Caleb, and felt lucky when he said that Haily and Joe were already at Brandon Sholer’s. Caleb was running late because he was babysitting for his sister and the movie she’d gone to was running later than he thought it would. He also said he wasn’t sure he wanted to take his jeep out in the storm because he was due for new tires. I told him I’d be there in thirty minutes or so, depending on the roads, to pick him up.

It took me almost an hour, but that was probably because I slid off twice, the second time getting stuck for a good twenty minutes, but by the time I reached Caleb his sister was back and he was in a good mood, which put me in a good mood. We even took the time to do a few donuts in an empty parking lot, taking turns at the wheel before we continued on our way as Caleb told me about sledding earlier that afternoon, which I’d missed because I was waiting for Milo to call. He talked about how he wanted to go again as soon as it stopped snowing and I agreed it sounded like fun.

Leaning back in the passenger seat, Caleb suddenly laughed, his mouth turning into a wide grin above his cleft chin. “Oh--don’t say anything about Joe’s face.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What happened to his face?”
“Haily.”

“What did he do to her?” I asked, already amused.

Caleb shook his head. “Dude, it’s what she did to herself. She thought you were going to be there, you know?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“You haven’t noticed how she’s been changing her... look lately?”

I shrugged at that and pretended to be very focused on the road, which really, I needed to be because of the car in front of me sliding all over the place. It was true that Haily was looking more and more like other girls, but I wasn’t above denying everything I may or may not have noticed. Safer that way.

Apparently, Caleb didn’t need my confirmation to continue, however. “She was wearing heels,” he explained. “New boots.”

My eyes widened at that. “Sledding?”

Caleb nodded gravely. “I think she twisted her ankle every time she took a step, and then her and Joe collided and one of them ended up across his face. He’s freaking out about it leaving a scar,” Caleb seemed rather amused by this, but when he saw my horrified expression he shook his head. “It’s, like, a scratch. Trust me, he’ll survive it.”

“Then what’s the big deal?”

Caleb grinned again. “Right between his eyebrows. Looks like he’s got a unibrow. He’s freaking out about it, tried to cover it up with a band-aid but that only made it look worse.”

I had to smile at that. Couldn’t help it, despite the fact I liked the way Joe’s face was as much as he did. But it was something he’d freak out over. In fact, I was surprised he’d even go out in public. I remember him once calling off school for three days in a row over a pimple.

“And you really don’t want me to say something?”

Caleb’s chestnut eyes gleamed at me. “Nah... definitely mention it.”

We reached Brandon’s house without incident, except for the half hour it took us outside the liquor store for Caleb to talk someone into buying him a bottle, the gift he intended to give to Brandon. We were definitely late by the time we reached the house, and while all the lights were on and we could hear music coming from it in the otherwise quiet neighborhood, there wasn’t nearly as big a turnout as the last time I’d been over. I’m sure the weather had a lot to do with that, but then Haily had mentioned Brandon had invited a lot less people because it was for his birthday. But that didn’t mean his guests were having any less fun. I doubt any of them were having as much fun as their host, though. Brandon met us at the door, and much to Caleb’s chagrin, wrapped us both in a hug at the same time.

He smelled like pot, and a lot of beer. Caleb was quick to tell him happy birthday with a firm pat on the back and then escaped his arm, leaving the full weight of our favorite wide receiver fully on my shoulders. He grinned at me, his straight blond hair falling in his face under a shiny red birthday hat. His tanned complexion had a pink hue to it, probably because it was a little on the cool side in his house since there were windows open to air out marihuana, and smoke from a cigar in someone’s mouth; and the tightness of his sweater clung to his toned body, which was currently so pressed against mine that I could feel the heat of it through my coat.

“You came,” he said happily as he reached up and brushed away the large flakes of snow that had collected in my hair just between my car and his front door.

I grinned at him because he made a happy drunk, and then moved my arm around him when I realized he didn’t seem very steady on his feet.

“Happy birthday,” I said, finding the nearest chair, which he quickly plopped into.

Brandon pointed at me. “You, should get a drink.”

“Sure, Brandon. Thanks,” I replied. I had no intention of doing that. I fully planned on driving away from his house tonight. I just wanted the excuse to move into the house so I could find Joe and Haily. Maybe tease Joe a little about how he should borrow Haily’s tweezers. But I wasn’t even three feet away before Brandon turned in the gray recliner, which rocked under his weight and threatened to spill him onto the floor. “Hey, you coming back over here?”

“Yeah, I’ll be right back,” I promised.

He gave an approving nod, and since he was completely backwards, his knees on the chair, he only had to reach back and pat his ass... or maybe he was aiming for his back pocket? “Good,” he said, ‘cause I’ve got something for us.”

I bit back my smile, unable to help where my mind wandered. No doubt, he was probably referring to something other than his ass, since he probably smoked as much pot as Joe did. “I’ll be back,” I said again, and then turned to find my friends.

There really weren’t many people at all. Less than twenty, anyway. Less of the football team than I’d thought there would be, and an otherwise mixed crowd that consisted of more guys than girls. Likely the weather, but I wasn’t exactly the guy in the crowd who was going to complain about this. I spotted Caleb quickly enough. He’d found Ronnie, who seemed to be hiding under her glasses as she watched him open Brandon’s birthday present, looking much happier in Caleb’s presence than the last time I’d seen her, and it didn’t take long to find Haily, because she was no more shy about throwing her weight at me than Brandon seemed to be. I caught her, my eyes drifting past her to where I spotted Joe, who flipped me off the moment I looked amused over the new addition to his face. I blew a kiss at him, laughing, and he disappeared somewhere out of sight to let me know he wasn’t pleased with me, but I was confident that it wouldn’t last long.

“I thought you were staying home,” Haily said as she released me, but made a point to grab onto my hand as she poked at my chest. I found myself grabbing her wrist, not really caring for the way that finger started moving over it. Still, I forced a smile as I studied her, guessing that she’d had too much to drink. Her dark hair was falling loose from her braid where her fingers had pulled at it, and brown eyes regarded me thoughtfully while the curve of her mouth was lifted into a happy little smile. She was wearing a jersey that would fit Caleb, but once again she was wearing more girlish pants, and quite possibly the same heeled boots that had made Joe so miserable.

“I changed my mind,” I replied. “And I’ve gotta get Brandon a drink.”

“Oh, they’re in here,” Haily replied, and with her hand still in mine she led me to the kitchen.

Maybe I’d wanted to find Haily and Joe, but already Haily seemed to be enough to handle, and knowing that Brandon--while he’d probably forgotten that he was waiting for me--would be happy enough to see me when I got back. I was already thinking of using him as a buffer between Haily and me. Besides, it was his birthday anyway, and I don’t think I’d ever hung out with him for more than ten minutes at a time and I was willing to do it for the experience alone. Brandon Sholer was always entertaining, even if I was just looking at him, and at the moment I wanted as many distractions from Milo Trust as possible. Haily, too.

Haily had mixed a drink as soon as we got into the kitchen, trying to talk me into one too as I looked over Mrs. Sholer’s decorative choice of black-spotted cows that made up the theme of her kitchen. I declined the drink, and Haily was happy enough to carry Brandon’s back to him while I frowned at her hand holding mine, wondering how much trouble I’d have letting go of it. I wiggled my fingers. Definitely a lot of trouble. I wasn’t holding her hand back. The two of us ended up on a love seat just across from Brandon. I’d left Haily plenty of room, but she ended up against me, thigh to thigh, the weight of her leaning into my side. Strange, how most times I wasn’t anywhere near uncomfortable in such close proximity to others. This time I was leaning half over the arm of the sofa while Brandon Sholer looked on, the corner of his mouth curving in a way that suggested he was amused by some inside joke. I tugged nervously at the stud in my ear, wishing someone would let me in on it.

Haily smiled up at me, and I smiled back--because she was Haily. Then I picked up a conversation with Brandon like I did it every day, and soon the topic turned to plans for the upcoming break from school as Brandon lit up what he had for us. It wasn’t his butt.

I became interested in what he was saying, and after a while as Brandon moved to seat himself on the coffee table across from me to get a little closer I found myself relaxing, enjoying the conversation that turned from one topic to another, but that could have been because Haily had rested her head on my shoulder and her eyes were steadily drifting shut. Somehow, she seemed less threatening that way.

As usual time seemed to pass by quickly while I was occupied with others, and I found myself growing tired as I glanced at the silver-framed clock on the wall, wondering how long ago my parents had gone to bed. Wondering if they’d picked up the phone with Milo Trust on the other end of it, wondering about me. A glance across the room showed that Caleb had moved on from Ronnie, but that could have been because she was no longer anywhere in sight. Likely, she’d gone a while ago when a rather large group had decided it was time to brave the weather and go. I found myself frowning towards my friend, despite the fact that he had found another group to occupy himself with, Joe among them. Caleb didn’t seem right. I know he hadn’t for a while, but the setting of Brandon Sholer’s party made it much more obvious as he caught my eyes and tapped his wrist, indicating that he wouldn’t mind going at any time now. That wasn’t like Caleb. He always wanted to go. I shot him a subtle nod, but turned my attention back to Brandon as his voice reached my ear.

“You cutting out on me again, Larmont?”

I turned to Brandon, who’d needed cutting off from the open bar that could be found in his kitchen a while ago and flashed him a small smile. “I don’t think you’ll mind. It’s pretty late.”

He rested his elbows on his knees where he sat on the coffee table, his blond lashes shading his cheeks as he grinned at me, his birthday hat sagging over his forehead so badly I took pity and reached out to help him take it off. “Stick around,” he said as he lifted his fingers, grazing my wrist as I pulled the ridiculous hat away.

“Maybe some other time,” I replied. I’ve got to get Caleb home tonight.”

I heard the breath that Brandon released, lazy and content, just the same as his smile as his blue eyes regarded me. “That’s what you said last time. That you’d stick around.” Despite his inebriation, and Haily still leaning against my shoulder I felt the sheepish blush crawling over my cheeks and found myself leaning towards him as I moved a hand over my face. “Sorry about that. I was pretty wasted. Don’t even remember the last time I was here all that much. But I remembered the way I’d found Milo Trust’s Honda, and the way he’d taken me home. I remembered falling asleep next to him, cursing the fact that I’d let myself get so far gone that I couldn’t even concentrate on touching him, and then waking up with him in the morning, and I didn’t feel sorry for a damn thing. I hated him. Milo. For doing... this to me. Maybe if I went home and checked the phone... maybe if he’d called...

“I remember,” Brandon replied, his hand reaching out to more to scrape my knee than to pat it. “You were supposed to stay.” He looked down at his hand, lifted it again, and I watched him watch it as it landed back on my knee. Stayed there. I found myself smiling in amusement, wondering who would stick around to tuck his drunk ass in tonight and wishing I had less morals than I’d developed since meeting... or, becoming obsessed with, depending how you looked at it, a certain dark-haired boy with green eyes who kept me on my toes way more than necessary. Who said he was my boyfriend. If I could stop thinking about that guy for even a second, I might have taken advantage of this situation with Brandon Sholer. Because in case I haven’t made it clear, this was Brandon Sholer. I didn’t know anyone who didn’t want to see him naked. Even if all it involved was tucking him in... and why wasn’t I volunteering for this again? Oh. Right. Hung-the-fuck-up.

“Was I?” I found myself asking, glancing down as Brandon’s hand drifted just the slightest inch, towards my thigh. I really hoped he wasn’t off balance. Ready to pass out. I found myself wanting to reach for him, get him balanced. “You okay, Brandon?”

Eyes cast down, blond lashes fluttering, he opened his eyes, blue meeting mine, and smirked the way Caleb did when trouble was on his mind. The kind of trouble he was ready to instigate. The look of Brandon caused me to cock my head. Maybe that was because I didn’t know him. Maybe it was because something about that look on his face was just plain adorable as he wet his bottom lips with his tongue, his eyes seeming way more assessing than they seemed capable of being in his current state. “I hear your friends call you Nels... all the time. Do you like that better than Nelson? I like Nelson.”

I cocked my head at him, further amused, and maybe a little interested in where he was going with this. Confused about it. Fascinating topics for drunk people: my name. Interesting. Neat, maybe. Was neat even a word anymore, or had it been completely replaced by cool?

“Brandon,” I said as I caught his wrist to keep him from falling forward a little too much, as his hand was already halfway up my thigh and I doubted he’d be pleased about that if he were sober. “You ready to call it a night yet?”

A smirk slid casually over his face, his eyes blinking slowly as his body tilted forward. I thought I might have to catch him, then Haily suddenly stretched next to me and Brandon’s eyes fluttered, alert. Haily’s eyes opened as she turned her face in my direction. A slow smile shaped her mouth, and for a moment I returned it like the most natural habit in the world as she lifted her hand to my shoulder.

“Hi, Nelson,” she said quietly.

Amused, I opened my mouth to respond to her sleepy greeting. But, her kissing me interrupted it a little bit.

Almost kissing me, I suppose. I saw it coming and turned my head, causing her to catch just the corner of my mouth. Soft peck, pressure of her glossed lips feeling soft but almost permanent on me where they met my skin for more than just a fleeting moment. Still, she seemed proud of the gesture while I felt horrified, staring at her as if that would help take it all back. Because that... this could not happen. And she was studying my face with such interest... her eyes met mine, her smile grew wider, and then fell just as quickly the very moment she caught the stunned and not-so-pleased look on my face.

But what she saw, what she sensed from me was nothing compared to the way her brows dropped, her eyes widened and her mouth parted in such... recognition maybe, as if that moment she’d simply figured it out.

I wasn’t the one she wanted to hold hands with. Kiss. Return her affection. I couldn’t do that, and as I felt my heart, strong and persistent as it vibrated through my chest I heard myself praying for the miracle that involved Haily finding happiness with someone who wasn’t me. Maybe then that look on her face would disappear. Maybe then she would forgive me.

“I’m sorry, Hails,” I heard myself whisper, and just as quickly I was on my feet, on my way across the room and telling Caleb Spangler it was time to go home.
.............................

It stopped snowing by Sunday afternoon, the wind had died down and the neighborhoods were full of kids in snowsuits taking advantage of the sunshine, despite the cold. Coming off the hill on my way to church, the town looked bright as sun reflected off the dusting on rooftops, the mountains and ice clung to the trees. The view left plenty for inspiration today, and I became annoyed with myself when I started wondering what Milo was doing with all of it.

He hadn’t called me. I hadn’t called him, either. He knew I wanted to see him, I decided that left it up to him to do something about it, since for all I knew he was still with Jame Graham, and I wasn’t welcome anywhere near him when he was with Assface. Not until Milo told me otherwise, anyway. I wanted him to tell me otherwise. Suddenly him just telling Jame that we were friends didn’t seem like enough. I wanted Milo to show him.

I kept wishing that he’d just call. He needed to be the one this time. But when Sunday wore on minute by minute, I realized it probably wasn’t going to happen, and like everyone else in my family who’d skipped church that morning, just after noon I’d dressed for the baptism of Caleb’s niece.

My parents had gone on their own, and I didn’t bother calling Joe or Haily to see if they wanted to ride together. Haily for obvious reasons. I knew I needed to talk to her, but at the moment things simply felt too awkward. I did sit with them during the ceremony, though. And I didn’t say a word. To anyone.

But, I wasn’t the only one. Caleb got to be godfather, which pleased him even despite the way he seemed just as depressed as he’d been the night before, and he looked exhausted and had missed a button on his shirt. Joe spent the entire time with the palm of his hand awkwardly covering the scab on his face, and Haily didn’t seem interested in teasing him for it as she continuously looked in my direction, sometimes uncertainly, and others determined as all hell. Freaky.

I did the expected thing and pretended not to notice, just like I pretended not to hear her when she called out to me after the ceremony, when I was on my way to my Buick, ready to get out of there. I slipped on the ice in my escape, nearly knocked over two people including a priest and saw the look on Haily’s face right before I reached the safety of my car. That was so going to catch up with me.

Right. Running from her, I realized, was probably a bad idea. Maybe not the most immature thing I’d ever done, but probably close. But last night after her display of unreturned affection, the devastated look on Haily’s face and the way I’d oh-so-casually blown her off I came to the conclusion that I was terrified of her.

I missed being back when things were considerably less complicated between myself and Haily. Like, before she started noticing boys and started looking for new ways to fit in with her three closest friends. Before she started noticing me. And I couldn’t figure out how that had happened in the first place. I mean, given Haily’s past relationships with guys I didn’t think she was the kind of girl who had a type. Even if she did, it really shouldn’t have been the type that likes other guys. Like me. Not that she knew that, but still. She wasn’t supposed to like me. I wasn’t sure how to tell her that without hurting her feelings. Seemed to me running away from her until she was downright furious with me seemed a lot easier. I know. I’m an asshole. But, a scared asshole, so I hoped for leniency.

And this was probably the worst time ever to try to deal with Haily. I had too much Milo on the brain. Seriously overdosing here. When it came to Milo, maybe on some levels I could relate to what I was putting Haily through. It sucked not knowing where you stood with someone. It sucked not knowing if someone felt the same way you did--and I felt a lot. Except, when Milo wasn’t returning my calls it was hard to tell exactly where those feelings were leading me.

When I was around him I could never stay angry for long where Milo Trust was concerned. All it took was to look at him and I was fascinated all over again. I’m sure that was pretty shallow on several levels. Couldn’t seem to help it, though.

It’s whenever I was away from him that things became a lot more serious. Like, the way that especially recently, I worried for him. I worried about his dad taking more paintings out of his room, I worried about Emily Hill taking the smile off of his face--or one of the few smiles Milo ever had on his face--and I worried about Assface convincing him he should never, ever lay eyes in my direction again. I worried about Milo listening to him.

The ridiculous separation anxiety I was prone to on occasion kicked in when I reached my empty house and found myself turning on lights despite the brightness of sun and snow beaming through the large windows when I reached the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of milk and picked up the phone. He still hadn’t called. Maybe it was time for me to take a hint. Maybe I’d do that after I gave him a piece of my mind.

Eyes narrowing as I pulled at my short hair in frustration I started dialing, only to be interrupted by the chirping of the phone in my hand.

“Hello?” I might have been a little eager to answer there, given the way that as soon as it was against my ear it rang again. I cringed, pushed the talk button, and tried again. Calmer this time. I think. “Hello?”

“Heads up,” Caleb said, “Haily’s on her way to you.”

I groaned.

“You didn’t tell me you kissed her,” he said, sounding rather amused. Normally I would have been happy to hear him sounding more upbeat than he’d been all day, but at the moment I missed the Caleb who wasn’t Mr. Depression.

“I didn’t kiss her,” I snapped. “She kissed me, and she missed... mostly. Shit.”

Dude... just, tell her you’re not interested, okay? She’s really upset.”

But I ran away from her. How much more not interested could I get?

“Who’s she with?” I asked.

“I let her borrow my jeep.”

“You’re such a prick.”

Caleb laughed at me, I hung up on him and found myself running towards the living room, pulling back the blinds and peering cautiously out the window. With any luck, it wasn’t too late to abandon ship, or in this case, house. I just needed more time. Just a little more time. How come there was never enough of that, anyway?

I turned in search of my coat and was about ready to just leave it and freeze my ass off when the phone in my hand rang again. I was ready to bite Caleb’s head off. “Hello?” I spotted my jacket where it had fallen behind the chair I’d likely thrown it on when I came in and reached for it.

“Nelson?”

Straightening, I blinked a few times, by ear straining against the phone. Not Caleb.

“Now you call?” With the phone between my shoulder and my ear I pulled my coat over my shoulders on the way back to the window.

“Sorry,” Milo said. “I got stuck with Jame and his mom last night because of the roads.” He sounded sleepy, and my mind wandered to the way he woke up with messy hair and adorably droopy eyes, and then I thought about him doing that over at Jame Graham’s house and remembered to be mad.

“I would have come to get you.”

I heard his sigh, exasperated. “Because you showing up there would have been a great idea,” he remarked. “Look, do you still want to meet?”

“Where?” I asked.

Milo was silent for a moment and then, “Can you pick me up?”

At the front door, I leaned against it, some of the tension I’d been feeling towards him slipping away as I realized he had no intention of ditching out on me. Couldn’t, if I was driving. I liked that idea. “Look for me?” I didn’t want to run into Juanita, or anyone else. Just Milo.

“Yeah.”

He hung up, and I dropped the phone on the sofa, checked my pocket for my keys and opened the door, where Haily was reaching for the bell. Crap.

She stood there awkwardly, shifting from one foot to the next, her arms wrapped around herself against the cold and she forced a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, not the way it should have been. “Hi. Can I talk to you?” she asked, but she was already moving into the house, and I was stepping aside to make it easier for her.

Like all my friends she made herself at home enough that she headed through my home without me while I slowly closed the door, my eyes searching for a brief moment of solace before I pulled my coat back off and followed after her. She wasn’t in the kitchen, so the next place I headed was down the stairs to my room where the door was wide open, her coat was lying on my unmade bed and she was holding an old sketch of herself that I’d done.

“Haily?” I said quietly. “This sort of isn’t a good time. I’m supposed to be somewhere.”

She put the picture down delicately, turned to face me as her brows drew together and her brown eyes became determined, pointedly in my direction. “I want to know why,” she said flatly, crossing her arms and regarding me as if I were supposed to know exactly what she was talking about.

Of course, I did. But I also figured a little beating around the bush had never hurt anyone.

“Why what?” I asked, tugging at my earring as I looked for other things in my room to focus on, starting with a stack of papers on my bookshelf that looked suspiciously like homework that should have been turned in on Friday. Oops. Picking it up I stacked it neatly and went in search of my backpack, not altogether unaware of the way Haily was following me with her eyes.

“Don’t be a jerk,” she snapped, successfully getting my attention. “I want to know why, Nels.”

I sighed, eyeing her warily. “Haily, if this is about last night, we shouldn’t even worry about it, okay? You’d been drinking...”

She looked ready to spit. Probably on me. That look alone cut me off and I barely prevented myself from wincing over it. “Well I haven’t been drinking today,” she said, suddenly coming towards me. “If that makes a difference...”

She reached for me, I threw up my hands in defense. “Haily!”

Her step back was instant, and the pained look on her face made me feel cold.

“I’m sorry,” I said, suddenly wanting to reach for her. She shook me off, shook her head, and glared at me again.

“Like I said, Nelson, why? And don’t even start off with it’s not you, it’s me...”

“But it is!” I insisted, not really helping when it came to getting that look off her face. That hurt, furious one. “Haily... fuck!”

I was suddenly feeling frustrated, and she returned it with indignation, probably not understanding what I had to be sore over.

“You know, I thought you liked me,” she snapped. “You’re one of my best friends, and you told me I was pretty more than once!”

“You are pretty,” I promised her, deciding that it would be unwise to contradict that, leading her on or not leading her on. “And I do like you... as a friend.”

“But when it comes to girlfriends you like girls like Teresa Milldrum more?”

“No,” I insisted, wondering why Teresa Milldrum was always the name coming up. “Look, Haily... can’t you see it would be a bad idea? What if we broke up? Don’t you think it would change things?”

“No.”

Oh, shit. She actually believed that.

“We’ve known each other for too long for it to mess up our friendship,” she insisted.

“Haily...” I didn’t know what to say to her. Couldn’t convince her of the one excuse I’d hoped to use. Which Joe had given me, actually. Maybe if things were different I wouldn’t have come up with it on my own, because Haily was a great girl. She really was. Maybe if things were different we would have been together a long time ago. But things weren’t different, and the next thing I thought to tell her was at least true. “I’m not attracted to you.”

Wrong thing to say. Wrong thing to say.

Uh-oh.

I’d starve to death before I dug my foot out of my mouth over that one, I could see it on her face, and the tension in her shoulders as an angry red crept into her cheeks, but it didn’t seem to be anger she was feeling as she shook her head, and headed towards my bedroom door. More like, hurt and utter humiliation. So not what I was going for.

“Oh my god. Haily.”

She didn’t stop. Didn’t even look back. I probably didn’t deserve a look back.

Strange things, friends. The really good ones. The ones that forgave stupid shit. Like Haily, who’d forgiven me for plenty of wrongdoings in the past. She was definitely one of the good ones. She was halfway up the winding staircase. I couldn’t see her anymore, but what seemed to matter just then was that she was still there, and I wasn’t okay with her walking away like this. Not thinking what she was thinking. “Haily!” I called, snatching up her coat and stomping towards my door. “Haily! It’s because you’re not a guy!”

There was a silence that seemed severe, as if my ears were ringing against it, and then I heard her footsteps, drawing closer until I could make out her shadow in the hallway as she stomped back in my direction so forcefully that I found myself taking measures to retreat. Her boots came into view, and then the rest of her, her expression turning sort of... indignant, I guess.

Okay... not so much what I was expecting.

She looked between me and her coat, still in my hands, and in a moment of decisiveness, snatched her coat from my hands and then returned her cold stare to my face, where I waited, terrified. Wanting to run again. Was this the reaction I’d been dreading? Painful silence? Maybe. And her eyes narrowed, and her mouth opened...

“Well no shit, Nelson!”

I blinked at her a few times, not sure that I cared for the tears that suddenly sprang to her eyes, the way they glossed over. I’d seen Haily cry plenty of times, but I’d never caused the tears before and I didn’t like it. She had me feeling defensive.

“It’s not like I asked to feel this way,” I said quietly, and to my horror, she became even more upset.

“You’re so shallow!” she snapped.

Huh?

“You are!” she reiterated, as if arguing with the look on my face. “I’m trying, you know? I like guy’s clothes. So what? Maybe if you could see past that for a second, you’d get that I really am trying! I wore lipstick yesterday, but you weren’t even around to see it. God, you’re such a jerk!” she looked me up and down accusingly. “I really hate that I like you, you know?”

“What the...” Oh. Oh! Well... what the fuck, anyway? I finally come out to one of my friends and she has no idea I’m doing it. “Haily!” I reached for her as she turned towards my door, braved the way she spun around when I caught her arm and hoped that if she decided to hit me that it wouldn’t hurt as much as I thought it might. “You don’t get it,” I cut her off when she opened her mouth, likely to yell at me some more. “I’m not saying I haven’t noticed you’re changing, I guess. And, you shouldn’t change whatever makes you comfortable, not for me or for anyone,” I said honestly. She was losing patience with me, so I dropped her arm and let out a breath, my eyes meeting hers sincerely. “It’s not because... Haily, I’m not attracted to you because you’re not a guy. Because I like guys as much as you do.”

Okay. Now that was the reaction I’d been expecting to begin with. The way she was looking at me. You know, like my ass was suddenly growing out of my head are something.

“What?” her tone was breathless, her voice throaty, as if she’d just stopped running. I decided all that stomping around she’d been doing could be the cause. Better than assuming it was all my fault.

I tugged at my earring, let out a breath. “I’m gay,” I said, feeling apologetic over it.

Waiting for her to say something was nearly intolerable, and when her color paled considerably I found myself reaching out for her, only to have her raise her hand and wave me off. “No. Don’t touch me,” she insisted.

I let my hand fall and watched helplessly as she backed up a few steps, back into the hallway until her ankles hit the stairs and she sat on them slowly. I took a cautious step towards her, but she shook her head at me, too. “Don’t,” she said.

Okay. “Haily, I’m...”

“Don’t talk to me, either,” she cut me off.

Don’t touch, don’t move, don’t talk. Sure. I could live with that. Only, not really.

She lifted her hand to her face, rubbed at her forehead as if it were suddenly hurting her. I moved myself towards the stairs less cautiously, and this time she didn’t seem to have the energy to object. “I’m sorry, Haily,” I said quietly, because despite my nerves over whether or not my little confession would ultimately make things okay again, I also had the profound urge to say my piece and hope she reserved judgment until after she heard it. “I do love you, but I don’t know how to love you like that. I didn’t want to tell you because I was afraid it would change everything. I’m sorry if that hurt you. I’m sorry if this hurts you.”

She didn’t speak to me. Didn’t look at me. Just sat there for what felt like a very long time, rubbing at her temples until finally... finally she stood, pulled her coat on and left quietly. I didn’t try to stop her this time. I understood her enough to know when she needed space. Maybe I needed space, too. So I let her go, and she did, leaving me with nothing but uncertainties.

Shit.
...........................

The Trust residence reminded me of an ice castle, the way the drift on the slight hill covered the driveway, clung to the gate. Icicles were scattered across the ledge of the roof and the windows were fogged, leaving it with a tall, ghostly appearance. More intimidating than usual. More when the front door opened and Milo walked towards my Buick.

I couldn’t see the softness of his hair today, just a few brunet locks that peeked from beneath a black knitted cap that matched his black coat and gloves. The gray scarf around his neck made his complexion seem less pale, the pink hue cast over his nose and the high arc of his cheeks more pronounced, and I could see the green of his eyes beneath his heavy dark lashes before he was even looking at me. I heard myself sigh, my eyes on him through the foggy passenger window as I reached over to open the door before he could get to it. I watched as he slid into the seat, the way his fingers, covered in his heavy gloves, fumbled with the seatbelt. My gaze dropped to his mouth, lips an attractive shade of red from the cold. They turned down at me. Less of a frown, more like confusion.

“Took you a while,” he commented, but unlike me didn’t seem to put out by things like that.

It had taken me exactly one hour and fifteen minutes. I smiled at him, wondering if I’d be able to do that as often as I wanted to, or ever, given the events of the day, turned to face the windshield and rested my hands on the cold steering wheel. “I was mad at you,” I admitted. Not that he didn’t already know. “Assf--Jame, is a prick. I don’t like him. I don’t like that when he’s anywhere near you, I’m not even allowed to talk to you. I don’t like that you went to see him last night, because I wanted you to tell him to fuck off.” I cut my eyes in Milo’s direction, the look on his face interested, maybe a little perturbed, but not altogether defensive. “But... I get it. I get you care about him. I don’t know why,” I added quickly, “but I get that you do... because it took me so long to get here because Haily stopped by.” I felt myself coloring, my eyes drifting somewhat shyly away from his. “She’s had... this thing for me. Last night, I went to Brandon’s party when you blew me off. I think Haily thought something was going to happen between us. It didn’t. Obviously. But it hurt her feelings. I hurt her feelings. So today when she stopped by, I told her.”

I braved a glance at Milo, easily noting the rigidness in his shoulders, the slant of his brows as they drew together and the stressful creases in his forehead that I wanted to smooth away but knew better. “Told her what?” he asked slowly.

I sent him a pointed look, and he averted his eyes from me. “The thing is, I think I was ready to,” I said. “Because she’s my friend. I care about her the way you care about Jame. So I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry I was angry. I get it now... Sorry it wasn’t sooner. I get things in my head sometimes. Anyway... do you want to get out of the car before I drive away? I get it if you do.”

A glance in his direction showed him fidgeting with the seat buckle, fingers tapping indecisively, but not making any prominent action to escape from it. “You told her?”

“I told her... I don’t think she’s going to say anything. I don’t know for sure, I didn’t ask. I guess she could.”

Milo swallowed, his eyes moving in my direction. “If she does... you okay with that?”

I shook my head. “No. But I’m not okay with her not knowing anymore, either.”

Milo was silent for several long moments. I didn’t want him to, but I was waiting for him to get out of the car, maybe never give me even a passing glance again. It was strange how the possibility of being outed by him not so long ago had completely freaked me out. Now with Haily, I was still freaked out... but maybe less afraid. Maybe I felt like, even if she did tell, even if she forced me to face this... I thought that maybe I was going to be okay with it. She wasn’t someone I didn’t even know. I’d known her my whole life. I think in part, I didn’t even care if she betrayed me. Just as long as she’d forgive me. It seemed important to be honest with Milo about that. Even when the thought of losing him hurt almost as much as wondering whether or not Haily would, in fact, betray me.

“Did you tell her about me?” Milo finally asked.

I looked up, surprised by the question. “No. I wouldn’t.”

He gave a short nod, accepting that. I watched him curiously as he gazed out the window towards his house, and then back in my direction. “My dad will be home soon,” he said. “You should drive.”

“Really?”

He turned his head in my direction but avoided my eyes. “You keep saying it. There’s nothing wrong with anyone... everyone thinking we’re friends. Right? Just... drive.”