With Trust - 19. Mr. Fix-it

A/N thanks to Jim for editing!
thanks to Mary for the advice & to Linxe Turmoil for seeing things I didn't & helping me get un-stuck.

I knocked at the apartment door for the third time, placed my ear against the surface for a moment, and then finally felt confident enough to slide my hand over the doorframe. My fingers touched a small silver key which I quickly used to unlock the door. I let it swing open and looked back at Milo’s shadow as he shifted from foot to foot, his cap low over his face. I held a hand back to him, the tips of his fingers hesitantly reaching to touch mine. “Come on,” I insisted, not sure why I was whispering.

“Are you sure this is okay?” he asked.

I closed my hand more firmly over his and pulled him along behind me through the front door so I could close it. The light in the hallway was the only one in my brother’s apartment turned on, and as I locked the door I watched as Milo regarded the place curiously.

“My brother only has one roommate,” I explained, “and if either one of them came home they wouldn’t say anything.”

Milo gave a short nod as he released my hand and slowly moved towards the white sofa where he seated himself quietly. I followed after him, a little surprised that he wasn’t arguing over how we should be somewhere that we didn’t risk people walking in at all. But then, he hadn’t argued that he had to go back to Jerry’s, where he was supposed to be, either. I went to the kitchen first, borrowing two cans of soda from my brother’s refrigerator before I joined him, seating myself almost a foot away as I offered him one of the drinks.

Milo’s hand covered mine as he moved to take the offering, his body shifting until we touched thigh to knee. I felt a smile tugging the corners of my mouth upwards, despite his unsettled expression as he hid beneath his hat, the bruised part of his face turned away from me. He hadn’t wanted me looking at it since I’d made a comment about how I’d like to let Jerry know how I felt about it and Milo had begged me not to because his friend felt bad enough. Jerry, apparently wasn’t usually much of a fighter, but he hadn’t been pleased to think Milo would be so low as to play a part in destroying someone else. Me. But then, I’m sure Haily was to blame for the situation just as much. But that seemed to be before she finally realized that I wasn’t the only victim in all of this. And Milo had a point: there was no use in being angry over any of it now since they were helping us.

Actually, in some ways I was blown away by just how much. Caleb hadn’t flinched when he lent me his jeep, and he’d left with Haily and Jerry in Jerry’s van. They’d all looked rather pleased with themselves in the process. I would be an idiot to complain about any of it, given the outcome.

I lifted my hand to carefully pluck the hat from Milo’s head, watching the way his eyes drifted closed as he self-consciously raised a hand to smooth over his dark hair.

“Being here’s okay with you?” I asked quietly, my nervousness finally catching up to me. He opened his eyes, turned the glint of emerald in my direction. “If you want we can still go anywhere else.”

Milo slid his hand into mine. “Here’s good.”

I nodded slowly, my eyes drifting over the lines of his face, dropping affectionately over his mouth before forcing them back towards his eyes where I felt I should be focused as I regarded him pointedly. “How bad is it?”

Milo’s brow drew together as he allowed his gaze to drift towards our hands, but he didn’t pretend he didn’t know what I meant.

“My dad called it acting out. He thinks you are acting out.” Milo made a face. “I don’t even know how many fucking degrees he has and the word gay doesn’t exist in his vocabulary.”

“So you tried to talk to him?”

Milo met my eyes, suddenly seeming disappointed that I’d even ask. “When you left I didn’t want it to be forever.”

“I didn’t want to leave in the first place,” I couldn’t help letting out. I think that was still the moment I regretted the most, leaving when he asked me to, forcing myself to wonder.

Milo sat up, his back lifting away from the sofa to better face me. “I told him that... that we were...” His brow crinkled, his mouth turning down. “I couldn’t have done that with you there. It would have made it worse--and you shouldn’t have talked to him, Nelson. I mean... really? Why would you....”

“Because I couldn’t think of anything else,” I said quietly. “I couldn’t let you talk to me at school. Can’t call you. Shit. My mom couldn’t even get Emily to call her back. All I did was wonder...”

“Emily’s gone.”

My eyes widened, and I found my hand tightening slightly over his. “What happened?”

Milo bit at the inside of his top lip. “I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head. “My dad thinks... well, I’m acting out, right? I think he figures Emily couldn’t handle it... but maybe she couldn’t handle us screaming at each other. I dunno.”

I found myself sliding closer to him, my fingers drifting to massage at the back of his neck as I looked over him worriedly, knowing that regardless of what he claimed to know or not know, the idea of his dad holding one more thing against him, like Emily, was probably weighing on him. “It’s not your fault.”

Milo rubbed the back of his hand over the tip of his nose, looked away from me briefly as he took in a breath. “Anyway, she’s gone, so now all he has to do with his time is... me. Unless he’s working, and he’s been working from home since... he’s smothering me, Nels. And nothing I do is good enough, and I don’t even want to try anymore. I told him everything, and he can’t even accept me. He’s not going to accept you... telling him he has to isn’t going to help anything.” He shrugged helplessly. “I’m stuck.”

“So what do we do about it?”

His face fell blank, as if he didn’t even know where to begin with that question.

I sighed. Me neither. But then, it wasn’t fun hearing that your boyfriend's dad would never, ever want anything to do with you... and would never want his son to have anything to do with you. Maybe Milo was right. Telling the man he’d just have to deal with it probably wasn’t a good idea, but somehow remaining passive felt wrong. The way Milo suddenly pulled his hand from mine, drawing my attention, felt wrong.

“You don’t need this,” he said. “You don’t need any of it, and you shouldn’t want it. Your family doesn’t care about what you are or who you want to be...”

“Stop,” I hushed him, taking back his hand, nodding approvingly when he didn’t hesitate to wrap his fingers around mine. “I know I’m lucky, Milo. And what I am, being gay’s only one part of it. Hasn’t felt like that lately, but that’s how I see things. Maybe your dad just needs time to figure that out with you. And don’t tell me what I do or don’t want... you don’t even know what it felt like to see you tonight. I’m hoping it’s not just so you can say goodbye.” But, one glance at Milo and I knew that was exactly what he was thinking about. “Wow. Is that what you're thinking?”

Suddenly, I couldn’t quite meet his eyes, either, even as he drew my hand into his lap. “Look... I know what things have been like for you. Haily told me. You’re going through it and I feel like it’s my fault. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“You didn’t do it, Jame did it,” I informed him, not bothering to beat around the bush. His eyes narrowed the same way they always did when I mentioned Jame, but this time there was something like reserved guilt behind them, too. “Or maybe we did it,” I said quietly. “But mostly Jame... and don’t feel guilty because I’m the one going through it. I don’t want you going through it with me if it means I never see you again. So I’m here, okay?” I forced myself to meet his eyes. “But you’ve gotta tell me if you are, too.”

Because this was when I was supposed to stop wondering . And I knew in some ways, wanting to keep seeing each other was a lot to ask for. Milo was just more prepared to mention it than I was. Knowing what was going on at home for him made it seem that much more impossible. Telling his dad he had feelings for me was one thing, telling everyone else was another that could potentially end us all together, given his family’s opinion on the matter. And that meant Milo couldn’t come out. Accomplishing that while being with me... well, it made me feel like I wouldn’t be seeing any more of him than I had over the last weeks. But at the moment, I didn’t care about that. I just wanted to know what he was thinking. I wanted to know I hadn’t lost him on top of everything else.

“I want to try,” he finally said, but still unable to keep the doubt from his voice despite the way his fingers wrapped around mine in a way that suggested he didn’t doubt anything at all.

“Then that’s what we’ll...” my eyes fell closed, my mouth interrupted when his landed on it. His lips teased until I parted mine, touching his tongue as I curled my fingers in his jacket and let myself fall back on the sofa, pulling him with me and letting his weight soothe away new worries. And because I had a lot of kissing him to make up for.
................

I slid my hand further up Milo’s back where it was tucked away beneath his jacket and held him more securely over the steady rise and fall of my chest. My eyes, comfortably closed, I sighed against the way his warm breath tickled my neck where his face was rested. He snuggled in deeper when a cool rush of cool air entered the room, the sound of the front door quietly opening and closing around it.

There was a decidedly feminine gasp, and then some fawning with Leanna’s happy little, “Aww.”

“Oh, hell,” Chad’s voice complained, and then, “Don’t get too close, babe. Nelson brags too much when he figures out he has a reason to and the other one’s kind of jumpy.”

Against my better judgment, I let my sleepy eyes open a crack to glare at my brother and his girlfriend where they were staring down at us from behind the sofa.

Chad looked unimpressed. “You’re determined to drag me into trouble with you, aren’t you?” he remarked, despite the smirk on his face.

Leanna elbowed him and tilted her head, smiling down at Milo while Chad shook his head at me and gave a sharp, pointed nod that suggested he wanted me to follow him when he led Leanna away from the couch.

“Pack you a bag?” I heard her ask my brother.

“Might as well.”

I closed my eyes for another moment, opened them again and then delicately shifted myself out from underneath Milo, giving his hand a silent squeeze when it suddenly latched onto me. He settled against the couch cushions as I left it. I glanced down at him and his eyes cracked open just enough to tell me he was awake before he drew his arms over them, never failing to hide when an opportunity presented itself.

I smiled down at him, and quietly moved to where Chad and Leanna stood just inside the hallway, rolling my eyes at the way my brother whispered in her ear just to nibble on it, and made a mental note to borrow that particular move. But as soon as his eyes slid in my direction the playful look on Chad’s pierced face looked serious as he regarded Leanna, meaning to dismiss her. But being Leanna, she waited until I was close enough and asked. “Can I stop worrying? You didn’t seem very happy this afternoon, Nels.”

I smiled at her. “I’m better.”

Chad frowned at us. “What?”

“Never mind,” Leanna and I both replied, and she reached up to tweak my nose before heading towards Chad’s room, probably to pack the bag he’d requested so they could head to her place for the night, leaving my brother to stare at me curiously.

“We’re not staying,” I told him.

“And where, exactly, are you going?”

I shrugged, then sighed at the suspicious look on his face. “I’m not going to do anything stupid,” I insisted. “Just... please pretend you never saw us.”

Chad nodded slowly, his eyes moving towards the sofa. “Okay... did he already do something stupid?”

“Like what?” I asked, my voice lowering.

“You’re not going to convince me his dad knows he’s here.”

“No, he doesn’t,” I said, beginning to feel a little defensive. I didn’t like this line of questioning, especially if it was leading to anyone telling me I shouldn’t be anywhere near Milo.

Chad seemed to pick up on the shift in my mood and shook his head. “Relax. I just want to know that he didn’t run away or anything like that... What’s the deal with his face?”

I frowned. “His dad didn’t do it.”

“Try not to look so disappointed about that,” my brother remarked, and I might have taken offense if I wasn’t desperate enough to want any reason to get Milo out of that house. Away from his father. Back to me.

I don’t think I’d ever been more selfish in my life, and unwilling to apologize for it. But maybe that was still me just being angry over how unfair the whole situation seemed. And I felt like I had every right to feel like that. I kissed a boy. And it was perfect. And it was Milo, and it had hurt when he was away from me. Oddly enough, I wasn’t sure I’d been fully aware of just how much until he was back with me. It wasn’t an experience I was interested in repeating, and I didn’t know how to deal with anyone who was there to tell me I had to.

“I don’t feel like I have a lot of time, Chad,” I finally said.

I didn’t know how else to explain myself, but before I knew what was happening my brother was hugging me, and I found myself hunching over his shoulder to return it, not knowing I’d needed one until just then. When I pulled back he gave my cheek a firm pat, rolled his eyes at me. “You can stay if you want. But I don’t know what Greg’s up to tonight, so try not to give him any surprises, okay?”

I smirked at him. “You’re no fun.”

He gave my shoulder a shove and went back to his room to help Leanna grab whatever he intended to take with him to her place, but she seemed to have it under control, and a few minutes later I was promising my brother I’d remember to lock the door on my way out.

When I closed the door behind Chad and Leanna I turned back to Milo where he’d already sat up on the sofa, his fingers working to straighten his hair as he smothered a yawn with his other hand. His face was flushed from a nap that was likely too short, given that his eyes appeared even more tired than before.

“Do you want to get some sleep?” I asked when his eyes finally reached me.

Milo shook his head. “I want to get some coffee.”
......................

I couldn’t take him home with me, but it was just off the gravel drive leading to home that I parked Caleb’s jeep, private and secluded, especially in the middle of the night. I’d cut the headlights but the sky was clear, the stars leaving enough light to make out Milo's face where we sat on the hood of the jeep, which was still warm from the engine. I watched him drink coffee, taking a silent interest as he turned up his nose at the bitter substance every time he took a sip, all because he’d refused to put anything in it, claiming that if coffee tasted good it canceled out the caffeine or something like that.

He caught me watching and his eyes shyly drifted away before coming curiously back in my direction. “You’re quiet,” he commented. “You’re never quiet.”

I felt the corners of my mouth turn up. “I missed you.”

Eyes drifting again, I knew that if I could see his complexion better I’d be able to see his nervous blush. But then he was regarding me seriously, putting me on edge. “Nelson... I don’t know when I’ll be able to...”

“We’ll figure it out,” I said quickly, brushing my shoe against his. I didn’t want to think about how long it might take to see him again. I didn’t even want to think about how I’d have to say goodbye to him in a few hours.”

“It’s just...”

“I get it,” I insisted. “We’ll figure it out.”

Milo looked unconvinced, and I found myself letting out a breath, wishing I had words to express how I felt, how I just needed the time I did have with him, and how I didn’t want to spend it knowing I had reasons to be unhappy. But whatever he wanted to express, it became obvious that I wasn’t going to keep him from it. “Things are rough at home... I thought if I did everything my dad wanted me to, it would change. So when he told me he was enrolling me back in Stratfort I didn’t say anything. I’m taking the classes he wants me to take. I’m seeing the people he wants me to see. That morning...”

“Milo...”

“He accused me of a lot of things,” Milo cut me off. “What he saw, was everything he can’t stand about me.” He released a disgusted laugh. “And the stupid thing is, half of what he thought he saw isn’t even true. You know, he was going to throw me into rehab before I convinced him to take me to a doctor so I could take a piss test. He didn’t even apologize for thinking those things, just kept rattling on about how he’s going to do what it takes to protect my future... so I figured I’d just, do what he wants, you know? Maybe if I’m enough of what he thinks I’m supposed to be, he’ll let me be who I want to be, too. But the problem with that is it’s all I ever do. Getting out of Stratfort for a while is the only thing he ever really let me have and I think he only did it because he figured I’d lighten up and do better with Emily.” He shook his head. “Maybe if I’d tried harder with her...”

“She didn’t leave because of you,” I insisted. “And maybe... maybe you would have wanted to try if he’d handled things better.”

He smiled at me for that, but it was quickly replaced by one of his darker expressions. “The thing is, I’m tired of waiting for him to realize I’m not a fuck-up. And I’m tired of hearing I’m wrong about everything, that I’m not smart enough to figure out what I want. And everything he thinks of me... even if all of it were true, the one thing he can’t say is wrong is the way I feel about you. I figured if I could just tell him... if he knew, then maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about waiting for him to tear me apart over that, too. But you know what he said? He said everyone experiments with one thing or another and it’s a good thing I got it out of my system.” He paused, shook his head and regarded me with a wry smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “So I guess there was nothing to be afraid of, huh? I tell him I’m gay and he has nothing to say about it... Except, he’s full of shit for that. You know what I think? I think he’s more afraid of you than I am of him. And that’s scary, Nelson. My dad being afraid of anything is scary.”

I slid my hand into his. “Hey. I know I have to stay away. I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”

I wanted to be reassuring, for both of us, I think, but Milo’s frown only deepened.

“I don’t know what he'll do if he figures out I’m seeing you again, but he’s going to. I know he’s going to.”

“Why? He doesn’t have to. Not if we’re careful... Milo, you can’t tell Jame you saw me.”

I watched him carefully, the way he was suddenly avoiding my eyes, growing troubled but holding back what was on his mind. I hated trying to talk to him about Jame. I’ll be honest and say I didn’t understand their friendship. Not anymore, anyway. Maybe when we’d first met they’d been close. Milo’s belief that Jame was loyal had never seemed that far-fetched. But over the last few weeks I’d come to see the difference between loyal and obsessed. Maybe in Jame’s mind he cared about Milo. Maybe part of him really believed that doing everything he could to get rid of me was protecting Milo. But then again, maybe he’d only convinced himself of that because it was the only way to convince himself that he wasn’t being completely selfish where someone who was supposed to be his friend was concerned. And now...

“I don’t trust him,” I said. And I didn’t understand how Milo could, either. “He lied to you.”

“I know,” he said, sounding short, frustrated. He let out a breath. “I know he did.”

And that hurt him , I realized. It hurt him more than it angered him, and I suddenly found myself more concerned about Jame than I'd been before. “Milo, if Jame finds out you saw me, there's no telling what he'd have to say next... and trust me, he can say a whole lot when he wants to. What if he says the wrong thing to the wrong person... like your dad?”

Milo slid off the hood of the car, suddenly seeming agitated. I could relate, especially since he wasn't exactly denying that Jame would go that far. So I felt torn, wanting to shake him over it and wanting to make that look on his face go away all at the same time, because the last thing I wanted to do was fight with him over this. So I did my best to wait him out as he tugged at his hair, winced when his palm inadvertently pressed too roughly against his bruised face.

Finally he turned to face me, and I found myself attempting to smile when he allowed me to reach for him, pull him between my knees where they hung over the jeep.

“Do you trust me?” he asked.

“Milo, it's not about trusting you,” I insisted. “You've asked me not to worry about Jame and look where that got me. It's not your fault,” I added when his eyes fell. “ I can't trust him.”

“But can you trust me?” he repeated. “I told you I want to try to stay together. You said you would do whatever I need you to do. I need you to trust me.”

But, Jame . And trust him to do what, anyway? At the moment all I wanted from Milo was to trust him not to tell Jame about tonight. About anything to do with me, or us for that matter. I couldn't understand why he hadn't promised that he wouldn't yet. Trust him. I wanted to. But instead I found myself studying him, wondering what was happening behind those green eyes of his. “What's going on here, that I don't get?” I asked carefully.

Milo pressed at his lips, his brows drawing together. “I need time to figure it out,” he finally said, as if that should answer all my questions, as if I should just accept it. I'm sure what I was feeling was written clearly enough in my expression because Milo sighed, leaned forward and allowed his face to rub gently over mine as if to smooth it all away. “Jame won't be a problem for you anymore,” he said as my eyes fell closed and I tilted my head enough for my lips to brush his. “I'm going to fix it.”

I felt his tongue move to tease mine, but found myself pulling back enough to meet his eyes. “Fix it?”

Milo sighed against me before he was once more pulling away, only this time his fingers laced with mine as he stepped back, guiding me off the hood of the jeep before he stepped into my arms and rested his chin against my shoulder. “I want to go back to that gas station,” he whispered, and I closed my eyes, willing myself not to argue over the way he seemed determined to change the subject.

“More coffee?”

“No, but I want to stop before you take me back to Jerry's.”

“Okay. Whatever you want... not now, though, right?”

“Not yet.”

Stop. Stop . I wanted to go back to not worrying, back to not thinking. Back to just spending what time I had with him, like I'd wanted to in the first place. Everything else could wait.
…..............

I slid a tray over the tile counter top, looked out into the dining room at Hollander's and called the name on the ticket in my hand.

Another Sunday morning, another week of avoiding church. I hadn't slept all night and could still feel Milo's mouth moving over mine when I'd climbed into bed that morning. More not sleeping. Smiling, talking in whispers when one of the two prepaid phones Milo had walked out of a convenience store with before I'd taken him back to Jerry's chirped next to my head. His voice, complaining he couldn't sleep because he'd had too much coffee. Five minutes later he was talking around yawns and I let him go, the apprehension I'd felt when I'd kissed him goodbye easing enough to close my eyes.

Twenty minutes later my mom was sticking her head in my door, telling me they were headed off to pick up my grandmother before church. They'd barely made it out the door before the phone was ringing again, the manager in one of the bakeries telling me she was going into labor early and needed my dad because they were going to be short on staff. I told her congratulations and didn't bother to try and catch my parents before they disappeared down the driveway.

Sunday mornings were always busy at the bakery. It came in waves. Mostly seniors made up the first rush. After the earlier church services they came with their newspapers and coupons and drank decaf in bulk.

Then the families came, indecisive children holding up the line, wide eyes looking over an assortment of pastries while the tip jar filled up.

I felt lighter, enjoying the chatter around me as I focused on tickets and customers, too sleepy to care about my current coworkers, three other students from my school who would have been gossiping with me, not about me, not so long ago. But then, they weren't exactly rude or anything, just all business where I was concerned. Christina Randelle, apparently only hired two weeks ago, even flashed me a small smile when I told her she could take her break first. Of course, watching how she made a beeline for a booth across the room to hug one of the guys there was how I realized Brandon Sholer, like several others from my school by now, had chosen Hollander’s for breakfast.

I found myself watching him, feeling mildly amused as he let go of Christina and waited for her to squeeze in next to another girl in the booth before he reclaimed his seat. Caleb could learn a thing or two from Brandon, I mused. At least, Brandon's ex-girlfriends didn't want to skin him seven different ways. In fact, I was pretty sure I counted four of them at the table with him.

Brandon had a lot of ex-girlfriends, or at least there were a lot of girls he'd dated at one time or another. Kinda hard to accept that maybe he didn't like girls as much as he seemed to like them. Or maybe he did like them. Of course, I was a lot more interested in the way Brandon liked guys.

I felt my shoulders straighten when he suddenly looked up, blue eyes turning in my direction, and made a point to turn around, grab the next ticket and pretend I hadn't noticed.

I'll admit it. I'm a chicken.

But in my defense I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I hadn't been, and still wasn't entirely prepared for him.

First of all, he'd been nothing but nice to me and I was determined to do whatever it took to make sure he couldn't be too nice. Unfortunately, it seemed rather difficult to tell a guy I was definitely attracted to that I wasn't interested, especially since he knew it and I couldn't exactly tell him why.

Second, Brandon Sholer was pretty damn persistent, I had to admit as I turned around with the next order to go out and found him standing at the counter, dimples aimed in my direction.

“You work here now?”he asked.

I attempted to return his smile, but felt awkward doing it. “This is one of my dad's places.”

He nodded. “Right. I forgot. So are you just helping out?”

“Yeah. For today. Can I get you anything?”

He glanced back at his table. “I'm good... so, when do you get off?”

“Umm...”

He chuckled, probably at my awkwardness as he leaned over the counter and dropped his voice as if he were getting ready to tell me a secret. “A bunch of us are going out to Hangman a little later, while the sun's still out. Wouldn't be a problem if you want to come. Maybe we could talk.”

“Actually, I'm supposed to meet Caleb,” I replied. “We have plans.” That wasn't necessarily true, but if I needed it to be I'm sure it could be arranged. “Maybe some other time,” I added, when Brandon's smile fell just a little and he straightened.

“Did you get that thing I left for you in your locker?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, I...”

I paused, my attention turning towards the entrance as the glass door opened and a dark-haired woman came through it, sunglasses covering her eyes above a reddened nose as she clung to her leather handbag and made her way to an empty table. We took orders at the counter, but she either didn't notice or didn't care as she seated herself, rearranged the salt and pepper shakers and smoothed a paper napkin over her lap.

“You know, I'm really sorry if I freaked you out the other day,” Brandon said, drawing my attention back to him. “I had some time to think about it, and I think you might have gotten the wrong idea about me. I have this bad habit of coming on too strong sometimes, and maybe I wasn't really thinking all that clearly. I know you had a lot going on, so...”

“It's fine,” I cut him off, my eyes drifting back to the woman alone at the table. I tried to smile at Brandon again, tried to look sincere. “Just forget it ever happened, okay? We're cool.”

I tried not to notice how put off he seemed over that as I turned away from him, announced I was going on break and headed to the kitchen where I grabbed a tray and looked over our current breakfast choices. I settled on the next plate of egg whites and ham that our cook put out, told him we'd need another one and added toast and two glasses of orange juice on my way back out. I paused, observed the way she was dabbing at tears with a napkin beneath her sunglasses and reached for a chocolate muffin, too, before I headed out to the table, put down the tray and quietly seated myself across from Emily Hill.

She looked up, cocked her head for a moment and then a slow, watery smile touched her mouth. “Your mom always said this was the best place in town for breakfast.”

“If you're here looking for my parents, they'll be out of church in about twenty minutes. Probably be heading home.”

Emily's smile faded and she shook her head. “I'm so sorry. I know they've been trying to reach me, and you must be so upset...”

“I saw Milo,” I said, not sure why I felt like I could tell her when I couldn't mention it to my own parents.

She digested that for a minute and then sighed. “That's good.”

I glanced down at the tray I'd brought and pointed to the eggs. “Those are better when they're hot.”

Emily looked over the food, and after a moment, obligingly picked up a fork. “I always liked you,” she confided, and then made a face at me. “Even if you are a little weird... your whole family was so nice to me. You all must think I'm a terrible person.”

“Why didn't you call my mom back?” I asked, feeling I wanted an answer before I made a point to disagree with her.

Emily sighed. “Because I thought staying out of it would be best... Nelson, you have to understand, I love Milo's father. I don't always agree with him, but I do love him.”

“Then why did you leave?” The moment I asked I regretted it as she tucked the napkin under her sunglasses again, gave a little sniff.

“Because I wanted a marriage, not a dictatorship,” she said, her tone suggesting that saying so out loud felt better than the sad expression on her face suggested. “I went back to my family last week. I'm only here until tonight so I can get my things.”

“Are you going to see Milo?” I asked.

Emily shook her head. “I really don't know.”

I lifted one of the glasses of orange juice, took a sip. “You should. He thinks his dad blames him, for you leaving.”

Emily's expression darkened. “Thom would know better than that... I know he seems hard. And I know how he can be when things don't go his way, but...”

“No offense,” I cut her off, “but since you just left him you're probably the last person who can convince me he's not... a jerk.”

To my surprise, Emily actually laughed. “You know what? You're right. I am being a hypocrite, aren't I?”

“I didn't mean...”

“It's okay,” she insisted. “I didn't get involved because I thought it would help my relationship to stay out of things when it came to Milo. His dad didn't want me involved... you know what's sad? My brothers and sisters, they all have these huge families. I'm the youngest, so I've been looking forward to my turn. When Thom told me he didn't want to have children I thought he'd be enough, but when I found out about Milo...” Her smile turned soft, and I found myself smiling back at her, probably because that's what his name did to me. “I knew he was already grown, but I think I was hoping... that I could be involved. I mean, I know he already has a mother, but I would have liked to be a part of his family, I think. But now... I think it's just best for me to go.” She took a drink of her own beverage, swallowed hard and suddenly released a small laugh. “And I'm babbling to you. I'm sorry.”

“I don't mind,” I said honestly; and then, “You really think it's too late?”

“For now it is... tell Milo for me... it's not his fault?” She paused, a self-satisfied smirk crossing her features as she lifted her glasses and allowed her puffy eyes to regard me thoughtfully. “You know, I told Thom it was no good trying to keep the two of you apart. Good for you, Nelson.”

I was sorry for ever working against this woman.

“If you change your mind about leaving you can always move in with us,” I said, only half joking, but then regarded her seriously. “Do me a favor and at least call my mom before you go? She's been worried... and she doesn't know I saw Milo.”

Emily considered that and then finally nodded. “Good luck, Bobby Nelson,” she remarked, laughing. “I do hope things work out for you.”
…................

I parked next to Caleb on Monday morning, not feeling as if I had to wait for the bell to ring before I left the safety of my car. I figured that was an improvement.

For all my worrying over when I'd see Milo again, I found myself loving his idea to use the phones as I headed across the parking lot and it started ringing in my back pocket. I smiled to myself as I reached for it, brought it to my ear. “Hi.” I wondered if he could hear the smile in my voice, if he was blushing the way only he could do, rolling his eyes at me.

“There's a bug in my room,” he said, sounding as put out as ever. “And I think it bit me.”

I laughed. “A bug?”

“On my stomach,” he continued. “It's all red.”

“I'll take a look,” I volunteered.

“I'm going to kill it,” Milo swore. “As soon as I figure out where it is. And what it is.”

“That's a little extreme,” I remarked.

Milo was silent for a moment, and then had the nerve to sound indignnt. “You're taking the bug's side?”

“Only because I understand why it would want to bite you... have I tried that yet?”

He laughed. “Not that I can remember.”

“Just wait. Next time I see you... Hey, are you at home? Aren't you supposed to be at school?”

“I didn't do homework last night. It's better to show up late than without your homework.”

I found my steps slowing, my voice lowering. “You alone?”

“Juanita's here... it's Jerry's birthday tonight. He said Haily's supposed to invite you.”

I grinned. “I'll see you tonight.”

Milo started talking, but his words were suddenly drowned out by the chanting of uglier ones. Faggot, faggot, faggot. Wincing, I pressed the phone to my ear, turning away from the noise and unable to help glancing over to where Chuck and his friends paced me through the parking lot.

“Nelson? What's happening?” Milo said, his voice soft, concerned. He'd heard.

I tried to sound upbeat. “I'll see you soon,” I said. “I've got to get to class.”

I hung up before either of us could say goodbye as I quickened my pace, trying to figure out why I suddenly felt so guilty. So dirty. It was like someone I cared about had just learned the most horrifying thing there was to know about me and there was nothing I could do about it. I glanced back at Chuck, eyes narrowing. Don't touch him.

Fucking asshole.

I'd almost reached the school, saw Caleb waiting for me on the stairs when I noticed Joe talking to a girl. He saw me, but just like the way he turned away, I kept walking. Obviously he didn't want me acknowledging him. I would give him what he wanted.

The way Caleb grinned from ear to ear as I approached almost made up for it. Almost.
….............

I got through the day thinking about the evening. I'd see Milo again. He wanted to see me. That counted for everything. Jerry's birthday. I'd have to get something for him. And it made me nervous, wondering about who would be there. Wondering if I'd have to pretend that Milo was just a friend... and maybe worse, if I didn't have to pretend anything. My friends knew about us but they hadn't exactly been exposed to it. I wondered if that would make a difference.

I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to ditch the potential crowd and end up alone with him as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

Haily didn't have to invite me. As soon as I saw her I told her I'd pick her up and we would go together. At lunch, Caleb told me it was time to give him details about the night, in part thanks to him, I'd had with Milo. I'd gotten two words in before he told me never mind because Milo wasn't a girl. But, he still wanted to know if we'd been able to resolve anything. I think it felt something like relief, as I told Caleb what had been happening with Milo, my unexpected meeting the day before with Emily Hill. How I wanted to tell Milo what she'd said because I hated the idea of him feeling responsible for something out of his control. Feeling wrong. And to my surprise, as I sat across from Caleb in the school cafeteria because I felt brave enough to stay for lunch, I found myself saying much more than I'd ever intended to.

“I hate that I'm out,” I admitted. “He's not. He can't be, because if his dad found out... that would be it. And I don't want this for him. This morning... someone...”

“Who?” Caleb asked, before I could even state the offense.

I smirked at him. “Someone said something. All could think about was if Milo heard that...”

“Maybe he should hear it,” Caleb remarked, and when I raised challenging eyebrow in his direction, he shrugged. “Look I'm happy for you and all, but it still kinda seems like he's leaving you hanging. I don't like it.”

I frowned, understanding that no matter what I said, Caleb would stand by that one particular opinion. So instead of arguing my points, I wanted to make one thing clear. “I wouldn't be okay if he was out, Caleb... I just got him back.”

Caleb had shaken his head at me, changed the subject. I didn't bother leaving it open for conversation again. I was more than willing to be Milo's dirty-little-secret, especially if it meant there was less of a chance of anyone ever taking him away from me again.

By the end of the day I was tired, had way too much homework to be going to any party tonight, and already thinking about which excuses I'd use for why it wasn't done.

I was going to see him. I would have called him to remind him of the fact if I hadn't decided for the both of us that him calling me would be better, all because I was terrified of his phone going off at an inappropriate time. I was going to see him. Again. This could work. It could all work.

Caleb met me by my locker, and as we passed Joe in the hall I realized that Caleb didn't acknowledge him as much as Joe and I didn't acknowledge each other. When I raised an inquisitive eyebrow at that Caleb replied, “He found another ride.... hey, can you tell Haily I'll be there in a sec? I want to wait for Ronnie.”

Joe temporarily forgotten, I raised an eyebrow at that. “Ronnie?”

Caleb smiled, and if I didn't know him so well, I might have accused him of blushing. “Yeah... since you and Haily have your thing tonight I figured I'd ask if she wants to come meet my niece.”

I smiled at him. “Cool...why don't I give Haily a ride home? Take your time, okay?”

Caleb was more than pleased with that, and me, too. Probably because I figured the sooner I could get Haily to Jerry's, the sooner I could see Milo. At least, it worked in theory.

I parted with Caleb, moved quickly down the stairs, towards the parking lot. I was so eager to get on with the part of my day that didn't involve school that I hardly noticed it when the redhead fell in step beside me before she opened her mouth and started talking.

“Hi, Nelson.”

I looked at her, slowed. “Hi, Christina.” I suddenly felt awkwardly timid, out of practice when it came to social situations. Even with Christina Randelle, who I'd voted for for homecoming queen, but never spent so much time with that it would hurt anymore than it did when someone else wanted to tell me what they thought of the new me.

So I guess I should have been relieved when she smiled at me. “Your dad was really nice, hiring me at Hollander's... I really needed the job, you know?”

Somehow that lightened me up a little. “Yeah? That's cool.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “Really great guy. So anyway, I can't figure out why he'd have such jerk as a son.”

I think it took me a second, before her words actually made sense. I stopped walking, confused, and maybe a little annoyed, as I raised an eyebrow at her.

“You heard me,” she said before I could get a word in edgewise. “You're a jerk.” The short little redhead pointed her finger at me as if I were supposed to flee from it.

“Christina, look, if this is because I went over on my break on Sunday it was because there was someone there that I really needed to...”

“Brandon's a friend of mine. A very good friend. I don't know why he likes you,” she said giving me a once-over that had the nape of my neck prickling. “I really don't but he does, and all you can do is blow him off? You're a jerk. He may seem like lot of things to you, but he's great. He's great. And he doesn't open up to anyone. Hardly ever.”

I held up a defensive hand. “Wait. Brandon? Brandon talked to you about me?”

She crossed her arms. “Okay. Now you're an asshole--just tell me why you're blowing him off. Actually, tell him and don't even mention I talked to you. Jerk.”

“I'm not...”

“I really don't like you,”she cut me off again, and I'm pretty sure the sound she made as she glared at me was an actual grunt.

Okay. That's it. Who the hell is this girl and where under her ninety-five pounds of crazy is she hiding Haily?

“Not that it's any of your business,” I said, “but I do like Brandon.”

She had the nerve to look annoyed. “Then what's your problem? Because no way am I letting him think he's not good enough for you.”

I opened my mouth, beginning to feel defensive. “I never said that!”

“So what did you say?” An all too familiar voice interrupted. “Because it sounds like you should have mentioned you already have a boyfriend.”

I spun around as soon as I recognized his voice, my gaze landing on Milo, then Jame where he stood beside him looking so red in the face that I thought he might puke.

“What the hell are you doing?” I demanded, too afraid to look back at the look on Christina's face.

Milo gave a small shrug, his face seeming pale against his bruised cheek, paler than it should, even. “I'm fixing it.”

And because clearly, he'd lost his mind, Milo Trust reached for my hand. I grasped his fingers more out of habit than anything but released them quickly, took a full step back from him and looked at Christina long enough to find her red brows arched skywards. Christ.

“Okay then...” Christina pulled her backpack more tightly over her shoulders, glanced between the two of us and started walking away.

“I've gotta talk to her,” I said quickly, already moving to follow. “Maybe she won't say anything.”

I hadn't gotten two steps before Milo reached out and grabbed my hand again, this time sliding his fingers securely between mine. “Don't,” he said, but when my wide-eyed gaze turned in his direction I found that he wasn't even looking at me. His focus was Jame, who couldn't seem to lift is dark eyes from the way Milo was clutching my hand. Instinct told me to let go before it was too late. Fucking let go! But a sudden bout of anger had me stepping between the two of them, wanting to shield Milo from whatever was going through Jame's head.

“No more games,”I snapped, drawing Jame's attention. “Say anything about him to anyone and...”

“He doesn't have to, Nelson,” Milo cut me off, sounding eerily calm despite the way his eyes were suddenly darting around us, leading me to follow his gaze, not liking the way eyes were suddenly coming in our direction, hands raising to mouths to shield whispers. I tried pulling my grasp from Milo's again, too stunned to put up an argument as once again, his grip tightened and he refused to let go.

“What are you doing?” I hissed.

“You're making a mistake,” Jame said, content to ignore me as he glared at Milo. But as I watched I wondered what was going on that I couldn't see, because Jame didn't only look horrified by the situation he looked devastated, too. “You think this is supposed to make everything better? Look what you're doing!”

Milo raised an eyebrow at that. “What I'm doing?” he repeated. “it's a lot better than waiting around for you to do it for me.”

Jame's jaw dropped, eyes squinted in offense. “You think I'd do this to you?” he demanded.

“You did something just as bad when you did it to him,” Milo whispered, his gaze falling on me for a moment before he suddenly glared at Jame and tossed the keys to his Honda at him. Jame wasn't prepared for it and they bounced off his chest, landed at his feet, and no one moved to pick them up. “You can take yourself home. Nelson will drive me.”

He will? “What? You want me...”

“What the fuck ever,” Jame snapped. “Just don't forget you made this mistake without me.”

“Maybe the only mistake I ever made was you,” Milo retorted.

“What the hell is going on?” I demanded, not really keeping up with either one of them.

“I guess I'm acting out,” Milo remarked, tugging at my hand, pulling me away from Jame, further into the parking lot.

“Fuck you!” Jame called after us, and I had no idea which of us he was referring to, nor did I care at the moment.

“Milo, what the hell?” I demanded, pulling my hand more forcefully out of his than I'd intended to, shocking him into stopping, turning to face me. “What are you doing here? What are you even doing? Fuck!”

He was leaving again, that's what he was doing. Be careful. Be fucking careful. My eyes sweeping the busy parking lot I was suddenly torn between throwing my jacket over his head to hide him and chasing after Jame with the intent to bury him so deep he didn't stand a chance of telling anyone what he'd just seen.

I tugged at my earring, agitated, suddenly only interested in getting Milo out of there. Grabbing his shoulder I pushed him forward, got him walking again. “You can say you lost a bet, or... something.”

Please take it back. I wanted him to take back everything he'd said in the last five minutes. We'd see each other tonight. He'd call be before he went to sleep. He wouldn't be gone.

“I'm not going to do that,” he said patiently, and when I couldn't help the way I glared at him he matched it in a way that seemed much more practiced. “Were you listening? When I told you I'm tired of other people making decisions for me?”

“This shouldn't count,” I argued. “You don't even know what you're doing.”

“And you sound like my dad,” he snapped. “So shut up and let me do this because I want to... and because I found something you left for me in my glove compartment. And I read it... and so now we're trying. Just, without hiding.”

I was too busy shaking to tell him how terrifying those words were to me before Milo topped off his point by doing the one thing neither one of us could take back. He stepped closer, his chest coming against mine before he kissed me, nervous lips finding my mouth.

It was a thunk off to the right that shocked me away from his mouth and I turned in time to watch as Caleb recovered from walking right into someone's car. Red in the face he lifted a hand, indicating he was okay. “So... I guess I'll take Haily home then? Um... so, later.”

I stared after my best friend, then desperately back at the determined look on Milo's face.

Nucking futs.