Can't Look Away - 2. Chapter 2

Aren’t there some things that are just unexplainable? Like, right now we can’t really prove the existence of aliens, but we can’t really disprove it either, right? It’s a mystery. Maybe that’s kind of like how feelings are? Like I can’t really prove or disprove how I feel about a lot of things. The feelings are just there. They don’t mean anything, just chemicals firing away and like, causing emotions and-

“Zane!”

Like this whole thing with Dex. Like, kissing is fun and feels good, so of course my brain would like it. Of course I would keep thinking about it. It always felt good when I kissed Karli. It’s a natural reaction to-

“ZANE!” I look at the person who just shouted my name. We are sitting with desks in a circle in an otherwise empty classroom. It takes me a minute to catch up mentally where I am apparently at physically. The girl seated across from me has sleek blonde hair like cornsilk and black-rimmed glasses that frame her sharp green eyes. The look she is giving me is both cutting and sympathetic. My brain processes as fast as possible. That’s Lisbeth Moe, president of the sophomore class. This is most likely an executive council meeting.

“What?”

“Did you hear a word I said?”

“Ummm…” I look down at the papers on the desk. I have a printed copy of very detailed agenda and a few scribbled notes, mostly my name in jagged letters.

“What is your problem, dude?” I look over to see Wilson Lu, the vice-president and a very well-muscled guy I decide I don't want to piss off.

“Nothing, nothing. Just...distracted.”

Lisbeth huffs and Wilson gives me a pained expression and I look down at the agenda, trying to decipher which Roman numeral we could be on.

“As I was saying,” Lisbeth continues, “we need a platform for the carnival next week. It’s the sophomore’s turn to host and we want it to completely outrank the other classes’ half-assed attempts.”

“Isn’t our platform that we want people to have fun?”

Wilson and Lisbeth both look at me strangely and I realize I’m completely lost. Aren’t carnivals about fun? Dunking booths and shit? I thought that was what the long-winded email Lisbeth had sent at 2 AM in the morning weeks ago had said.

“Not that kind of platform, dude. An actual platform. Like, a big wooden box.”

“Can you get your dad to build it?” Lisbeth says, looking at me sharply.

“Wait, what? A platform? My dad?”

“Yes, Zane. Can your dad build a platform for us? He built those booths for us in the fall and they were awesome. You can pay for the materials out of the budget. Just make sure to notate it in the register.” Lisbeth doesn’t look at me as she talks, but instead shuffles through her papers as if she’s looking for some important detail.

“Yeah, I can ask him if he can do it this weekend.”

I take out my phone and text him a message. <can you build a platform this weekend for a student council thing? i can buy the materials.>

“Okay, I’ll let you know what he says when I hear back.”

The rest of the meeting is Lisbeth laying out the schedule for the spring carnival. She and Wilson don’t agree on everything and too much time is spent on arguments that end with Lisbeth getting her way. I just stay out of it. What’s the point anyway. We will always end up doing what Lisbeth wants and if it is too big of a disagreement, Mr. Haskell, our adviser, will always side with Lisbeth because he has such a boner for her. It must be nice to be Lisbeth Moe. To always get your way and know that boys, even grown men, will fall down at your feet because you’re pretty and smart and can outsmart them at almost every turn. I don’t dislike Lisbeth. I actually admire her ability to get what she wants by any means necessary, like when she gave a handjob to a guy on the football team to get him to join student council because we needed more athlete participation.

Thirty minutes later, my phone vibrates with my dad’s response. <yes. i have spare wood. u and ur brother come here this weekend.>

<okay, thanks! see you friday.>

“My dad will make the platform.” But in saying that, I know I am sacrificing something. Ian will not want to go to Dad’s house. He will be mad at me for ever making that deal. But he’ll go, for me. He’ll pack his bag with all the clothes he knows dad hates, his band t-shirts and tight shorts and bright sneakers. He’ll pack his guitar, then unpack it and say he doesn’t want to give dad the satisfaction of seeing him play. He’ll pull his hair back and look in the mirror, but then just stare at me, his living reflection, my hair cropped close and orderly, the inverse of his that sweeps his shoulders. He will stare at the picture of us on our dresser, all of us, dad and mom and him and me and Sydney, before the divorce. He’ll mope all Friday afternoon until we put our stuff in the car and our mom hugs us and says to be safe. This is how it goes every few months when we go to see him.

When I leave the meeting, the school is mostly empty. Most clubs have ended already and the baseball and soccer players are on their fields. I walk silently through the math hall looking into the classrooms, some dark and some with teachers still working.

“McDonagh!”

I turn around and see Karli leaning against a bank of lockers at the end of the hall. What do I say to her? Honestly, I miss her. Karli and I were friends before we ever dated. Well, truthfully, she was really more of my brother’s friend and I was just always around. But she made me laugh with her stupid jokes and inside out way of looking at things I always thought were simple. Since we broke up, her not being there has sucked in a way I didn’t really understand because I was so angry at her for being such a dick to me and by extension, Ian. But I think I was mostly mad at myself for causing the rift in the first place by being such a fuckup.

“Hey Karli.” When she stays put, I walk towards her. She is wearing her soccer clothes, her hair in a messy ponytail and some dirt smudged on her face. I always thought it was strange, that a girl like Karli would be devoted to a sport, but Karli lived and breathed soccer, even more so than her art or music.

She reaches up and takes down her hair, brown and thick and shiny. She runs her fingers through it like I used to do sometimes, detangling it. Pieces of grass fall to the tile floor. “Look, Zane, can we talk? Like for real?” She isn’t looking at me, but down the hallway, her fingers still ruffling through her hair.

Sighing, I nervously bite a nail. “Yeah, sure.”

“I am sorry about the whole Cal thing. That was wrong.”

I nod. The blame isn’t entirely hers, really. I treated her like shit. I technically cheated on her with one of her best friends.

“I have decided to get over it.” We finally look at one another and I see in her face that she isn’t being completely honest. Or maybe she is, but her words have a double meaning. She wants to get over what has happened to us. Meaning, she wants us to get back together.

“Karli, I- “

“No, don’t say it. Just don’t say it. If it’s a no, I’ll understand. Or try to. I am just tired of not talking to you. Of not being around you. Or Ian. Do you know how hard it is to not talk to him?”

“I don’t understand why you couldn’t talk to him because of me.”

She slides down the lockers to the floor. I follow.

“I don’t know either. You two are so different in a lot of ways. But whenever I looked into his face, all I saw was you. The way your eyes crinkle when you smile. The sound of your voice. But it wasn’t fair to him or to you.”

“I’m sorry I can’t fix everything. I don’t even know what’s wrong.”

She looks over at me, her hair cascading around her face is long wisps. “Can’t we just talk about it?”

“That’s the problem. I don’t even know if I have the words. It’s just this feeling. Like, us being together wasn’t solving anything. It was just making it, like, worse. And I really fucking like you, Karli, but I just need to figure shit out, I guess.”

She nods and looks away, down the hallway. “I’ve been talking to Dex.”

My stomach lurches and I feel as if I may have a panic attack. He wouldn’t tell her, right? Has she noticed something?

“We hung out a lot since I purged myself of all things McDonagh. It was hard to pull him away from Ian, you know. Those two are like fused at the hip. Anyways, we talked a lot about what we want from life. And, I don’t know, I like just want to be happy, you know? Fuck all the other stuff. I just want to do things I love and be around people I love and make a life that matters, you know? And trying to make you jealous with fucking Cal Dawson certainly wasn’t accomplishing that. It was seriously gross kissing him. But I figure I love you and Ian too much to just cut you out like that. I was hurt, am hurt, but, like, something is going on and I can’t just be a bitch, you know?”

I nod my head and all I can say is “Thanks.” Would she feel the same way if she knew what is happening? We sit quietly for a while, not looking at each other, but feeling each other’s presence. Finally, I say, “Ian and I are going to our dad’s house this weekend.”

She snickers. “Has Ian come down with ebola yet?”

“He doesn’t know yet.” We look at each other for a moment and giggle a bit.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Don’t you always?”

She shoves me playfully and I pretend to fall over onto the floor. “Seriously, I want your thoughts on something.”

“What?”

She pauses a moment, as if reconsidering what she’s about to say. “I think Dex has a crush on Ian.” She says it fast, the words sprinting out of her mouth. They run around me and I am not sure if they ever fully reach me.

“What?”

It must come out too harsh, because she suddenly looks concerned. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I just thought—“

“No. You said you think Dex has a crush on Ian. Why?”

Her face changes again. Her concern changes to defense. “No. I shouldn’t have said anything.” She stands up and starts to put her hair back up. She looks like she wants to say something but doesn’t and just looks down at me.

“Karli, I just…don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She gives me a look I interpret as ‘how stupid are you?’ and walks off down the hall. “I’ll talk to you later, Zane,” she says with her back to me as she walks.

I am not sure what Karli is thinking is this moment, but I can tell she honestly believes what she just said. She thinks Dex has a crush on Ian.

Dex has a crush on Ian. Is that why he kissed me? Was it a mistake? Did he mean to kiss Ian? Does Ian want Dex to kiss him? Or worse, did he kiss me on purpose, but only as a consolation because he couldn’t have the genuine article? I sit in the hallway wondering if any of the things that happened even mattered. Did I ruin my relationship with Karli over a mistake?