Can't Look Away - 1. Chapter 1

What a bitch move. As if it weren’t bad enough that she is dating Cal-fucking-Dawson, she has to go update her Snapchat story about everything they are doing all the time. I can’t open fucking Snapchat without seeing her and him with fucking dog ears or something. And if that weren’t bad enough, she sends some of them to only me. What is that? I get that I broke up with her for no reason. I get that she is mad at me. But does she have to torture me like this? I know she hates Cal Dawson as much as I do, which I guess is why she is currently making out with him in his fucking Camaro with the windows down. I know she sees me walking by, because I can see her eyes looking over his shoulders at me. I am not sure if she knows I see her looking, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was part of her plan. She probably saw me coming out of the doors and brought him in for it. And he’s too stupid to question why a girl like Karli would ever make out in the school parking lot with a guy like him. Trashy.

It also doesn’t help my mood that Ian and Dex are wrestling around in front of my car like five year olds. How can they act like everything is so fucking hilarious when Karli is on the warpath? Not that Ian didn’t warn me. He told me how she was; that she wouldn’t go down quietly. He was as mad at me as she was at first, because it is pretty hard to lose a friend because your dumbass twin brother broke up with his girlfriend. It’s really not my problem, though. I can’t help that Karli “can only see Zane and what he did to me” when she talks to Ian. Fucking drama. Dex cuffs the back of Ian’s head and he stumbles momentarily. But Ian just laughs as he puts Dex in a headlock. Amateurs. Isn’t life just a fucking joke? Like Dex has no fucking cares in the world when all of this is his fucking fault.

When I get to them, I shove Ian on the arm a little, so that he falls into Dex. “Let’s go.”

They giggle and stand straight. “Yes sir, Sergeant McDonagh!,” Ian says, with a salute. Dex giggles and looks me in the eyes.

I look away quickly and jump in the driver’s seat. “Funny. I have to get to work.”

Ian shoves Dex another time and gets in the passenger seat. “All work and no play makes Zaney a dull boy,” he says as he ruffles my hair.

I shrug him off and crank up the car. Ian fidgets with the radio a bit, plugging in his phone. He puts on a song I don’t recognize, but Dex obviously does because he starts laughing.

“What?”

“Ian thinks I look like Chaz Bundick.”

“Who?”

“Jesus, Z, you uncultured swine! Toro y Moi?” I just shake my head. “This song? I play it like every day.”

“I don’t pay attention to your shitty music.”

Ian grabs his chest and gasps. Dex is still laughing in the back. “Toro y Moi is NOT shitty. That’s racist to even say. Just listen.” He turns up the music. It’s fast and the guitar is distorted. The singers voice is soft, but strong. It feels bright and happy and for a moment I am not so angry at the world. He turns the music down. “Anyway, I think Dex looks like Chaz Bundick.” He faces his phone toward me and it is the picture of a young black guy wearing large glasses. His hair is messy and twisting in all different directions and he’s got a scruffy beard. “It’s the hair. Look at that hair! Also, Chaz is half-Black and half-Filipino, Dex is half-Black and half-Korean, so there’s that too. You, Chaz, and Tiger Woods should start a Blasian club!”

Dex is still giggling in the back. I glance in the rearview mirror. The guy in the picture did look a little like Dex. They both wear glasses and let their hair go wild. I wonder if the other guy smells like Dove soap and coconuts? I wonder if his voice is soft and whispery and sometimes mispronounces words?

“Zane!”

I look up and slam on brakes before I rear-end the mini-van in front of us. Shit! What the fuck? What was that? I glance back in the rear-view mirror and Dex is looking at the back of my head. His eyes shift and he sees me looking. I take a deep breath and I look back toward the road. I have got to stop this shit. It’s not like that with Dex. He’s just a guy I’ve known my whole life. He’s just my brother’s stupid friend.

--

When we pull into the driveway, Dex jumps out first, slinging his bag over his shoulder, running across the yard, yelling, “I’ll be back in like five minutes! Don’t do anything without me!”

I look over at Ian. “We’re recording today. He’s an idiot.” Ian and Dex have a YouTube channel together where they do stupid reviews of things. I think the most views they have on a video is like 200 and that’s only because my mom and older sister shared it on their Facebooks because they had cameos. I have watched their videos, but only recently and only to see Dex, which isn’t something I would ever admit to Ian, even though I think he’d understand.

“Oh. Cool.”

The house is dark and cool, like a walk-in freezer. My mom likes to keep it cold, like sweaters-in-July cold. I turn it down. While Ian rambles around in the fridge, I go into our room to change into my work clothes. I got a job a few weeks ago because I thought it would take my mind off things and give me some money, but it has yet to really do either of those things. I pull off my shirt and throw it in the laundry basket. After I slip off my jeans, I lay them on my bed for now. I could probably get a few more wears out of them. I ramble through a drawer, trying to find my work t-shirt. When the door opens, I don’t look because I figure its’s Ian, but when no one says anything, I look up and see Dex standing in the doorway, staring at me standing there with only my underwear on. It’s not like Dex hasn’t ever seen me in just my underwear, but it hasn’t happened recently and I suddenly become self-conscious. Does he like what he sees?

“Um, sorry.” He says, backs up and starts to close the door.

“Wait!” I shout and immediately regret it. What the hell am I doing? This is not how this is supposed to go.

He opens the door all the way again and looks at me expectantly. All of a sudden I’m lost for words. Not that I am much of a talker anyway. Ian has always done enough for both of us. I think back to that night two months ago at Danielle Wilson’s party, when he and I were sitting on the back deck alone after Ian had gone in to get more drinks. How he smiled when I told him I was feeling tipsy and he said him too. I made the mistake of running my fingers down his arm slowly and looking too long in his eyes, communicating something I wasn’t even sure I felt. I’d always wanted to touch his skin, it always looked soft and glowing. When he leaned in to kiss me I wasn’t sure what was happening at first. When his lips touched mine it felt…different. Good.

And I panicked. I pushed him back and stammered something intelligible and walked off, knocking into Ian as he came back outside. I spent the rest of the night making out with Karli and thinking about Dex. We drove home that night in silence. None of us had ever mentioned it since then. Not me. Not Ian. Not Dex. But since then I have replayed that moment over and over. And the more I think about it, the more I stand here looking at Dex, the more I want to do it again. That’s why I broke up with Karli, that’s why I have been so grouchy, that’s why I am standing in my underwear in my room right now with us both looking.

“I’m sorry.” I say, not able to really look at him.

“I’m the one who should be sorry, Zane. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I---” but before anything comes out, Ian bursts into the room, pushing Dex closer to me, with two bags of chips and what looks like a pie.

“Out of the way, losers!” He puts everything in his arms down on his bed. He turns around and stares at me standing there in my plaid boxer-briefs. “Jesus Christ, Zane, put some clothes on. Dex isn’t man enough to handle our sexy physique.”

I start to pull my shirt on. “You mean my sexy physique. You’re all flab.”

“That isn’t true! You may have a bit more muscle then me, but I am certainly not all flab.”

I look up at Dex as I pull my pants up and he’s not looking at my eyes, but on my hands as they slide up my legs. He looks up and into my eyes and I try to smile, but it must not show, because he looks away and walks toward Ian’s bed.

I’m quiet for a moment as I put on my shoes and Ian and Dex lay on their backs side by side, eating potato chips and taking selfies to post on Ian’s Instagram. “I talked to Karli today,” Ian says, still laying on his back. “She is getting tired of Cal and wants to be friends with us again.”

“You wouldn’t be able to tell from her fucking Snapchat.”

“Well, she told me she’s over making you jealous. ‘Bout fuckin’ time. You can’t have the Three Amigos plus Zane without the third amigo. She wants to live for herself now. Explore her femininity. Shave her head, dabble in lesbianism, that sort of thing.”

I bristle at the mention of Karli being a lesbian, because it makes me paranoid. Is that what she thinks I’m doing? Is Ian suspicious of what’s going on? Can he read my mind? Has Dex told him anything?

“Whatever. She can do whatever she wants. I gotta go.” I grab my nametag and head out of the room. In the foyer, I stop to take a deep breath. I can hear Dex and Ian laughing loudly. Are they laughing at me? Am I just the big joke? I open the door and leave, thankful that work means I don’t have to deal with it.