Moving On - 1. Chapter 1

As I held the razor in my hand, I looked at the dim morning lights out of the window in my dark room, looking for any sign, any reason to stop myself from going ahead. But what should I expect from this season? Outside there is nothing but heavy, thick snowflakes falling down to cover anything in the way, like the sleeping green-brown lawn, the bare trees, and all the dead flowers. Clouds high above make the outdoor colors appear gloomy and gray. It seems that life is already dead and the snow is just giving it a decent burial. Heh, that brought up an old memory of mine, when I was a child, I used to think that death always came in winter where it required the cold and the grayness for the sick soul to feel desolate enough to depart from earth.

Or perhaps life is simply going into a deep seasonal sleep, and the snow is just making a white, fluffy blanket for it. A deep sleep sounds wonderful, better than pain and death. I would be free from stress, anxiety, and the troubles of life itself. There would be nothing to worry about, just my mind having some peace and clarity. So what am I holding this razor for if I want to avoid pain?

I closed my eyes to clear out my mind for few seconds, then there was a sudden thump that scared the hell out of me. I jumped and searched around the room for the cause of the noise.

“What the hell…?” And I saw my black dachshund had knocked my chair, which was overloaded with the weight of my book bag, down to the floor as he attempted to steal an empty chip bag on the desk, hoping to find some crumbs.

“Jake!!! Get outta there! Jesus…” I shooed him out of my room and closed the door all the way before he tried to sneak in again. Then I felt something warm and wet on my left arm. I looked down and saw blood flowing out of a half-inch long gash.

“Awh shit…” I walked around the room, looking for something to contain the blood flow so it wouldn’t drip all over the place. I grabbed some of the tissues off the desk and applied some pressure to stop the flow.

“Is everything ok, Steph?” my mom shouted from downstairs.

“Yeah mom!” The dog knocked the chair down to get my chips on the desk. I think he hasn’t been fed yet. I sure as hell do not want her to find out what I am doing and what I have been thinking.

“Ahhh, no, he hasn’t been, but hey, c’mon, get ready for school!” and she left me alone.

I looked around to see where I had dropped the razor and found it lying on the bed, with a few traces of blood smeared on it. I picked it up to check it out, and lifted the tissue to look at the cut again to see my little slip-up.

“Ughhh, fuck it!” as I threw the dirtied razor and the rest of the razors set out into the trash can on the other side of my room, and put on some jeans and a t-shirt. I grabbed my headphones so I could hear some of Björk’s music as I wallowed in my own self-inflicted pity. I looked at both of my arms to see a few noticeable long thin scars on each, plus the fresh wound under the reddening tissue. I threw that away and grabbed a new one.

“I got to stop doing this…” I whispered. Yes, I must since what will it achieve? Since when does watching my own blood ooze out of a clean cut on my arm change who I am? I don’t have much of a social life except a few friends to confide in, yet I cannot get myself to tell them the important things about myself, including this useless cutting I put myself through. Or the fact that I tend to go looking at guys, instead of girls the way I should have been by the time I reached 14 or 15, but now I just turned 17 and still, I have no desire to look at girls.

Sure as hell there is no change at all so far. Being 17, I’m sure I’m almost past puberty. I’m almost done with my growth spurt and the maturing of my…erm…jewels tucked in my undies. The only thing that hasn’t changed is my attraction towards guys. I’ve known since I was 10 that I’ve had this attraction. That’s when I became interested in looking at all the boys’ bodies during summer camp while we were changing to get in the pool. The truth is right in front of me, it’s been set in me ever since. So that means….

“This is not a phase…” again I muttered to myself while Björk sings in her high voice through the headphones covering my ears. Why am I trying to fool myself? If the razor sure as hell won’t change this, then I cannot imagine anything else that would. I did do some research, hesitantly, looking for solutions on the Internet, but I often found facts in support of the theory that you cannot help it, just like you cannot help being born with blue eyes and black hair. Why would I want to live a life where society will make your life hell once being discovered as different from the perceived norm?
“Meh…why me?” So, my own conclusion, after reading those facts from the websites, is that hiding my “true” self in shame by trying to be straight like everyone else is the same as being ashamed of your blue eyes and you hide them by using colored contact lenses. Or, to say it another way, it would be the same as hiding your black hair by dying it pink.

“Shit, I got to stop fooling myself” as I continue to talk to myself. It’s true, I might keep on telling myself what I want to believe till I actually believe it, but it won’t change the truth one bit. Then eventually the truth will come back and blow up in front of my face for a rude awakening. I took off the headphones and walked towards the trash can on the other side of the room to take a good look where the razors landed, all scattered around in the can.

“Gotta throw these shits away before mom finds them”. I took the plastic bag out of the can, and tied it shut. However, my mother is not the sole reason why I want to get rid of them. I want to throw away a sad part of my past, and start something new for myself and my own well-being. It’s time to accept a part of me. I do not want to live my entire life in a lie, even a little part of it. It is time to say it to myself, and to embrace it as me…not the new me…the me that I wouldn’t let come out. I wiped away a stray tear from my left eye and whispered to myself a few words, pushing away the catch in my throat.

“I am…gay…” and I grinned softly at these words that would mark a milestone to moving on and living my life. I opened the door and then stopped to whisper at the bag containing the razors.

“See ya, bitches, you won’t be missed.” I smirked and headed to the bathroom first to cover the cut with a band-aid. Then I took the bag with me to the kitchen to dump it in the main garbage bin, and went to the counter to get some orange juice and an oatmeal bar. I don’t really eat breakfasts and I skip them most of the time, but I thought I would make an exception today since I actually felt hungry. Mom is sitting down at the table reading her daily newspaper while drinking coffee and eating some peanut butter and jelly on toast. She looked up at me and her eyes went to my left arm where the band-aid is.

“What happened to your arm?” she asked with concern in her voice.

My eyes widened slightly. Oh shit, think…think…think…pop, when I shaved last night.

“Erm,…I slipped and brushed my arm against the razor when I shaved. Fortunately the blade was dull, or it could’ve been worse” I lied.

“It sure could’ve been. Steph, be more careful next time and keep the blade covered when you’re not using it” she returned to reading her paper. “Are you planning on coming home after school or what?” she added.

“Erm, maybe…why?”

“My co-worker at the hospital called in sick, so I have to take her evening shift. Sick? Pfff, more like overdoing the drinks at the party last night” she rolled her eyes.

“Oh, ok, then I might stick around at Krist’s or Alex’s”

“I’ll leave you something to eat for supper in the fridge just in case.”

I looked at the clock and saw it was almost 8.

“Ok mom, I have to go now.” I went to her and gave her a kiss.

“You be good. Bye, dear.”

I went to my room to get my coat and book bag, and headed out the door. Cold wind blasted my face, but it subsided quickly after I closed the door. The heavy snow gave away to flurries. The clouds have brightened up more, and it seemed the sun would soon break through them. I walked down the snow-covered lakefront trail to the spot where it’s safe to cross the ice-covered Lake Nuangola to meet my friends at the bus stop at the other side of the lake. The mountains are in full view, not far from the other side of the lake. It still amazes me how Pennsylvania can be beautiful in every season, especially during the firework displays of fall through out the vast forests and mountains all over the state, and winter happens to be the next best season, where the snow-covered trees and mountains give such a surreal display to make up for the lack of the greenness. I am proud to call the beautiful landscapes of Pennsylvania the land of my birth and childhood.

I arrived at the safe spot of the ice, and I walked right on it. It’s been below freezing, mainly in the teens and twenties, for the past couple weeks, so it’s unlikely that there would be any weak spots on the lake. My neighbor told me the ice is about 6-7 inches thick in the middle of the lake, he measured when he was ice fishing a couple days ago. I walked across till I reached the other side, and I went up a little makeshift trail through the woods that me and my friends had made several years ago as a shortcut to the bus stop. In the winter, the trail is a little tricky to deal with since I would have to go up a couple steep slopes of the hill, and the snow covering it doesn’t really make it a breeze to walk up. But it’s not a big deal, I just need to walk a little slower and be more alert so I don’t slip. Plus, my friends and I set up a rope attached to the trees from the bottom to the top to provide extra security.

At the end of the trail, there’s the country road and the bus stop is just across the road. Krist and Jake were already waiting for me to come, but it looked like they were deep in conversation and didn’t notice my arrival.

“Hey guys! Sorry for being a little late.” I called out to them.

Krist jumped at the sound of my voice. Kristján, or as we always call him for short, Krist, is one of my few friends, but he’s the first friend I can remember. We were six, and we met in the little playground not far from the lake. It’s funny, we were in the spiral-around slide and we crashed at the bottom because Krist didn’t move away fast enough, and while we were apologizing to each other, we hit it off right away. At the time, he had just moved with his family from a small town in Iceland to a lakefront house on the other side of the lake from me, and he spoke in funny broken English with a heavy Icelandic accent. He still does have some accent left to this day. Krist can be pretty blunt and straightforward sometimes, just like me, yet he can be the sweetest friend you can find around the whole lake…if you can catch him in the right mood, which apparently is not now.

“Damn it, Steph…” Krist said through his teeth with a bent expression on his face. I noticed his left hand is slightly steaming. Uh oh, I made him jump enough to spill some of his coffee on himself.

“Whoops, sorry Krist. But why are you drinking coffee all of a sudden?” as I tried to hold back my grin.

“Like hell you’re sorry” he glared at me, noticing my poor attempt not to grin. If glares can kill, I’m sure the one that Krist gave me would kill me twice.

“He’s been up all night doing last minute work on his project that he was supposed to do over the Christmas vacation. Not a wise idea. Anyway, are we playing some hockey on the lake later or what?” Jake asked. Jake, my other friend, is like me, he’s lived at the lake all of his life. We met through Krist not long after I met him, and we all got along together pretty well.

“Maybe, if it doesn’t snow like it did earlier. What do you think, Krist?”

“’Not a wise idea’” Krist said, mocking Jake, obviously letting his crabby mood slap at Jake a little. “I’m up for it if you guys are” and took a big slip of coffee. “Woot! It’s sure giving me a boost…remind me not to put off my project until the last minute again”. The bus arrived just as he finished speaking. Krist noticed the driver, and groaned, “It looks like we’re getting the Nazi again for a while.” He meant the bus driver, Fran, who always follows every single word in the rulebook, and will enforce it on the spot at every chance she can. Most of the time, we get the other driver, Dave, but sometimes the company switches the run for a while to prevent the drivers from getting weary of taking the same route over and over. Krist never really has good memories of Fran because a few years ago, she wouldn’t let him take his project on board because it was too big (“no larger than 3 feet high and wide” she said), so he lost 10% of the total semester grade for coming in late with the project when his mother had to drop him off. Krist always makes good grades in everything, and he is still bitter at that event because it was the worst grade he ever got.

Since Fran would bite his head off if he dared to bring the coffee on board, Krist sadly dumped his coffee and threw the cup in the trash bag next to the bus door. Jake, and then me followed him in. We took our usual seat at the back of the bus, away from the younger kids. Due to the small number of families living at the lake, it only takes one bus for all of the elementary and high school students.

“Hey Alex, how was your trip back to Vietnam?” asked Krist as he sat next to a Vietnamese boy. His real name is Hai, but we call him by his English nickname, Alex. He’s another friend of mine who also lives on the other side of the lake from me, so I am alone living on my own side. During every Christmas vacation, he goes to Vietnam to see his relatives still living there. It’s nice for him to see them again, but it’s sad that I never got to see him around any Christmas vacation.

“Oh it was typical, seeing aunts, uncles and cousins, and then not seeing them again till next year, which is fortunate ‘cause I really hate being in the plane for over 20 hours”, Alex said, stressing the last few words. “Oh, did I mention it was hot and humid as hell?” he added, a witty grin on his face to show off.

“Speak for yourself, I would prefer the cold and snow over the heat and humidity.” Jake responded to this silly comment.

“Viking blood, baby! They can throw four winters together at me at once, and I shall not beg for mercy.” Krist stuck his tongue out right at Alex.

“I’ll have to agree with them, too. Sorry, Alex, nice try” and I smiled with a sense of indifference. Alex looked a little disappointed at our response to his poor attempt to brag, but he immediately returned to his normal mood as he joined the conversation between me, Jake, and Krist.

After a few stops, we reached the final stop at the lake before heading to the elementary school, which is just a mile from the lake, but the high school is further, about four or five miles away. The bus stopped, and popped the door open to let in the couple of usual elementary kids, but then another face that I hadn’t seen before also came in the bus. ‘He has to be around my age‘, I thought as he walked down the narrow aisle to find a seat. Good god, I got to let my gay side take over me for a minute there because I kept thinking, ‘he’s so damn cute!’ With his winter coat to protect his slim figure from the abuses of the wintry wind, and his beanie hat covering where his light chestnut hair forms around his head. And, oh my, he has the most interesting, yet slightly odd facial features, mainly because of the way his brown eyes are shaped. His almost milk-white skin contrasted beautifully with his features. Holy damn, did I mention he’s cute too? I sighed, and then I snapped out of lala-land to avoid attracting any unwanted suspicions from my friends, who are fortunately still deep in conservation.

“What do you think Steph?” Jake asked me all of the sudden.

“Huh? What? Erm…? Sorry, I zoned out here for a moment.” I stuttered as I felt a slight warm blush forming on my cheeks, which I really hope they didn’t notice or if they did, think it’s just from the cold.

“Erm alright,…welcome back to Earth. We were saying that we should go out and play hockey, even if it starts snowing again since it’s been forever since we played a game all together.” Huh, oh yea, Alex was away and I didn’t get to see Krist and Jake more than a couple of times.

“Sure, why not? I’m planning to hang around you guys after school anyway since it’ll be so empty in the house with my mom doing double shifts today”. Jake’s attention went back to the conversation. I looked around to find where that new kid was, and there he is, sitting in the seat right in front of me next to the window, staring beyond the frosted glass and he seemed to be so immersed in his thoughts. I wonder what he’s thinking now. Maybe he’s thinking about his old home that he moved away from. Maybe his friends back there. Maybe how to get through this horrid first day of school. Maybe how to make new friends to keep himself company. Ahhh, too many maybes. He may need a friend or at least someone to help him get through the day, like helping him to get to his classes or tell him what his teachers will be like. So I tapped his shoulder to get his attention.

“Hey! I haven’t seen you around before, are you new?” Ugh! I said the n-word, not a good approach for an easy introduction.

“Errr…h-h-hey…yea, I am” he responded meekly. Awhhh, he appears to be a shy one, a big plus! Erm, ok, you, my gay side, go sit in that corner and let me do the talking.

“That’s cu*small coughs*ool…” hoping he didn’t notice my near slip-up. I swear could hear my gay side evilly giving out some silent giggles in the corner of my mind. “It’s nice to see new faces, since it’s a small community where we know almost all of the old faces already. If you need any help with the school, just ask me anytime.” I hoped I didn’t drag on a little too much. I’m also hoping he’ll give me some chance to know him because I sense something interesting about him.

“Oh, thanks a lot, but I think I’ll manage fine on my own” he gave me a small smile. Damn, now I felt embarrassed for even offering some help as it seemed it was a bother to do so. Jesus…

“Oh, alright! The offer still stands whenever you need it.” I returned the smile, but I made mine bigger than his.

He stared for a moment, but seemed to snap out of it quickly and smiled back again. He turned his head back to the window where he was before I interrupted him.

“So, who’s that kid?” Krist whispered. Jake and Alex were also watching out for my response. I hope they didn’t notice anything unusual in my taking an interest in that kid or offering to help him. So I decided to be straight out honest since there shouldn’t be any reason why I cannot offer him some help.

“He’s a new kid around here. I’m just offering to help him to make his first day more bearable.”

“Oh, that’s cool. I’m just wondering,” Krist simply stated. That’s all?! Sometimes he’s never clear what he’s trying to imply.

“Anyway,…he said he’ll manage on his own. So it’s his choice, not my problem.” I added.

We continued to talk, and they filled me in on the rest of the conversation I missed while talking to the new kid. The elementary kids just got out of the bus, so we’re about 15 minutes from school. I took some quick glances at the new kid to see what he was doing, and it was the same thing, staring out of the window deep in his thoughts. Holy shit, if only my friends weren’t here, I would watch him every minute of this bus ride to study his facial features and figure out how it is possible to look like that.

The bus arrived at the school, and Krist was rather quick getting out of the bus, supposedly to avoid Fran’s watchful eyes for any slight violations. Jake and Alex had already caught up with him with me following behind. The new kid stood up at the same moment as I did, and I went into the aisle.

“Erm…hey?” the new kid called out, causing me to stop immediately in my tracks.

“Hey, what’s going on?” with a hint of curiosity in my voice.

“I’d like to take your offer now.” He stared at the ground, anxious to see if I will go for it.

“I thought you made it really clear that you don’t need any help from anyone.” I smirked. It worked, he gave me slight blush.

“Yea, I know, but that wasn’t till I saw the school myself. It’s a little…big” and he gave me a neutral expression on his face. Great, how can I tell from that? But oh well, why not, I did tell him my offer always stands when needed.

“Sure, but under one condition.”

He lifted his head up to look at me at that statement. “W-w-what is it?” Geez, I just love the little shyness in him.

“Your name, you never told me.” I grinned.

“Oh, you can call me Ben”.

“I’m Steph, shall we start the tour of this…erm…slightly poorly designed building that we call ‘school’” I pointed out of the window to the school for him. He just gave me the warmest grin so far today. I am so going to love this. It’s so odd, just earlier this morning, I was out of my mind not letting myself be gay, and now all of a sudden, in a snap, I’m full of curiosity about this new kid…erm, who now has a name, Ben.