Fear In His Eyes - 1. Train Ride

The scenery passed unnoticed as my attention centered on my reflection in the glass window. Inside the small compartment, I slumped on my seat, my legs extended in front of me. My free hand rested on the leather seat, the other supported my head. The unsmiling reflection--the malevolence it exuded--made me shiver yet I couldn’t stop watching myself.

My mind wondered whether reflections showed the dark side of a person. If so, the person in front of me felt like a stranger. I’m not you. Or is it you’re not me? It didn’t matter as long as the reflection stayed in its place--on the other side.

I peered inside the black pools of my irises and what I saw deep within awoke me from my trance-like state. The sounds I drowned out before returned in full force. I gritted my teeth at the resonance of grating metal against metal as the train chugged along, the hum of the train’s engine offended my ears and my head ached at the sudden hooting of the whistle. I closed my eyes as I tried to take control of my senses. Slowly, the sounds faded again.

The rocking of the train calmed me until I found myself gradually drifting into sleep. I dreamt of blood, lots of it. They covered my hands while more seeped from under a closed door. I shied away from the door because I knew who was inside. I knew and it frightened me. The door had to remain closed. He’s not dead.

“Are you ok?”

My eyes fluttered open. Did I talk in my sleep? Judging from the way he regarded me, oh yeah.

Before me stood a tall guy in ordinary clothing. Very ordinary, simple, rather boring. In contrast, his dark green eyes were extraordinary. As he looked at me, I felt his gaze graze my inner soul. I peered back at him with my mouth slightly open. My mind couldn’t decide whether this intimacy we shared should be enjoyed or feared.

His beautiful face enamored me to him more. He wasn’t handsome, no. I had seen my fair share of handsome guys and was lucky enough to be with a few. This guy was most definitely not handsome, he’s beautiful. Calm and innocent. He reminded me of paintings I saw about angels. Yep, an angel, except for that broken nose. I continued to gape at him, unaware of the uneasiness it brought him.

“Do you mind if I share this compartment with you? The others are full.” I ignored the note of apprehension in his voice and focused on its soothing quality instead.

Hoping he would sit in front of me, I drew in my legs to give him space. He deposited his luggage overhead then sat away from me, near the door.

I guess he’s not interested. I turned my face away from him. He’s much too beautiful for my taste anyway.

Through his reflection on the glass window, I saw him watching me. Little by little, I turned my head toward him. My lips formed into a charming smile. “In case you’re wondering, yes, I’m gay.”

The guy returned the smile. His cheeks reddened as he slid in his seat away from the door.

Silence engulfed the whole compartment. He sat in front of me, but I couldn’t make myself look at him. His nearness made the small hairs on my nape stand on end.

He cleared his throat. “If you don’t mind me asking, where are you going?”

“To Oakvale,” I readily answered.

His face faltered and his penetrating eyes studied my face intently. A certain roughness changed him drastically, his voice sounded harsh. “Do you live there?”

I shook my head to drive away the feeling of dread that started to grip me. “No, just visiting.” My grandparents.

As if a great weight was lifted off him, his face brightened. My mind instantly recalled a picture of Lucifer I saw. Two portraits, side by side. One of him in his beatific splendor, the other captured his fearsome beauty. Of all the angels, why did he have to be Lucifer?

“You’re from Oakvale, aren’t you?” My heartbeat quickened as I looked at him.

In an unemotional voice, he said, “Yes.”

To break the tension in the compartment, I laughed. He didn’t join in, but his mood seemed to lighten.

I offered my hand to him. “Hi, my name’s Toby. I became single very recently.”

With a satisfied smile on his face, he took my hand. “Very nice to meet you. I’m Ku--Kevin.”

He shook my hand once, twice, thrice and then more. While our handshake lengthened, my smile widened.

“Very nice to meet you,” he repeated.

I squeezed his hand. “Yeah, you said that already.”

“Sorry,” he said while he disengaged his hand from mine. The redness returned in his cheeks and spread to his ears.

“What are you sorry for? I enjoyed that tremendously.” I winked at him. It thrilled me to watch him squirm in his seat. “Tell me about Oakvale?”

His face clouded again. “Nothing much to tell. Just your typical countryside full of gossiping old hens. I’m surprised you want to go there.”

I shrugged. “Hm, it will be a welcome change from city life. You have no idea how monotonous the city can get until you lived there for twenty-five years.”

“That goes both ways. If you want to know how boring the country is, try living there for twenty-two years.” He shook his head as if the realization of the years he spent in the country disappointed him.

“Maybe I will.” I raised both eyebrows.

Ringing laughter filled the compartment. “I betcha by the end of a week, you’ll be so bored that you wished you didn’t waste a week in that godforsaken place.”

“How much are you willing to bet? I like what I see of Oakvale so far.”

He looked out the window. “What are you talking about? We’re still well away from Oakvale and you can’t see any of it from this far.”

“I like what I see.” This time I stared meaningfully at him.

His eyebrows creased in confusion then understanding dawned on him. “Oh...”

“Yeah. Anyway,” I slid down my seat so that our knees almost touched, “if you hate it there so bad, why do you stay?”

His nose flared. “There’s nowhere else to go.”

I gripped his thigh. “That’s not true. The world’s so big, there are lots of places you can go to. Look at me. I’m going to Oakvale to hide from my personal demons.”

“My personal demons are not something I can hide from.” He gazed at his reflection on the glass window and I saw him flinch.

I reached out to caress his face. “Let me be your savior then. Since I’m new in town,” sort of as I hadn’t been back there for ages, “why don’t you show me around? I’d like to spend more time with you.”

“Ok,” he answered shyly.

“Good. We’ll kill two birds with one stone. I’ll cure your boredom while you act as my tour guide. Not a bad exchange, right?”

He nodded in response.

After some silence, I asked, “You’re twenty-two?”

A smiled appeared on his face. “No. Do I look twenty-two? We’re the same age. Well, almost. I’ll be twenty-five soon.”

I considered for a moment. “I’m not that bright. On top of that, math’s not one of my strengths. If you spent twenty-two years in Oakvale, where did you spend the other three?”

“Some place else,” he said in a strained voice.

“Where?” I pressed.

He avoided my gaze.

A sudden idea made me grin. “You ran away, didn’t you? I told you it can be done. You did it once, you can do it again.”

His attention was focused outside. “I didn’t go to that other place on my own. I hate Oakvale, but I hate that other place more. I don’t ever want to go back there.”

“It’s ok, Kevin.”

He grimaced.

“Did I say anything wrong?” He’s acting so strange.

“Nothing’s wrong. Look,” he pointed outside, “that’s Oakvale. We’ll be arriving in a few minutes.”

Outside, I saw an old, unimposing town. Lotsa trees, but no oaks.

I turned toward him to ask about it, but he had his back to me as he collected his luggage.

“I’ll see you later tonight?” he asked.

“Definitely.” The train screeched to a halt. He stepped out of the compartment and was swallowed by the crowd.

A brown paper bag littered the floor. I picked it up and looked at its contents. Valium? Quickly, I grabbed my luggage and pushed my way through the crowd. Outside the train, I looked around for any sign of him. I spotted him in a distance. When I caught up to him, I was breathing hard.

“You--left--this.”

His eyes widened. He snatched the paper bag from me and stashed it in his luggage.

“Toby?” A familiar female voice asked from behind me.

I smiled. “Grandma.”

We hugged. I hadn’t seen Grandma for a very long time.

When she let go, her face was serious. “Do you know who you’re talking to just now?”

A big grin crossed my face. “Yes. You probably know him as he’s a local. That was Kevin.”

She frowned. “You’re mistaken, dear. The name of the person you were talking to is Kurt. His twin brother, Kevin, has been dead for almost three years.”

I turned around and saw Kevin or Kurt walking away. Why did he lie to me?