Hope - 1. Chapter 1

Heart pounding, Josh accepted the incoming call and let out a croaky ‘hello’. The suave deep voice that answered added to his aggravation. This is happening. This is really happening. Suddenly realizing he held his breath, he let air out of his mouth as silently as he could. Somehow he felt better. “Hey, is this you?” What? “I mean, are you Blake?”

“Yes.” Short, but Josh pictured the grin that accompanied the answer. In the thirty seconds neither of them said anything, he imagined a thousand unpleasant things the guy on the other line probably thought of him.

“It’s me...” He wished he hadn’t said anything, but knew he couldn’t undo the damage. Josh decided he struck out without even meeting the guy for real.

The hearty chuckle that rang on his ear stunned him. “Anyway, I’ll pick you up at seven. Can’t wait to meet you in person.”

Did he mean that? “Okay.” One last chuckle and the line went dead.

He spent an hour staring at his phone with disbelief. Josh was a romantic; he spent the most of his thirty years of existence believing that his special someone waited to be found. The more he aged, the harder it got to keep the hope alive until he finally cracked, aided by a dozen relationships that ended in shambles. The guys he dated used their dicks more than their hearts. Jerks. So on his thirty first birthday, which happened to be today, Josh posted a no strings attached sex ad on craigslist.

The ad sort of empowered him; he felt like he got even on all the dickheads he used to date. What Josh didn’t expect: someone answering the ad. He got four replies. One guy offered him a good time for a fee. Another detailed a sex scene which had him tied up in bed. A different guy sent a simple email, ‘You like?’ with a picture of his dick as an attachment. Then Blake’s message.

What got to Josh was Blake’s honesty, something he wished the jerks he dated had the balls to admit. Blake’s email stated, ‘I’m the kind of guy who shrinks away from romantic relationships. My philosophy is that life is too short to be tied up with one guy. Where’s the fun in that? We can be friends who fool around, or guys fooling around who became friends. Whatever, right? I don’t like labels. You’re looking for a good time, I’m looking for the same. Maybe we can help each other out?’

He liked Blake; his happy-go-lucky attitude, the ingrained flirt-iness about him and his surprisingly inoffensive vulgar personality. The phone call came after several email exchanges.

Josh had less than five hours until his sex date with Blake and he had no idea what to do.

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If Josh had a type, Blake would fit the bill by the letter. Tall with brown hair and deep green eyes, Blake’s smile didn’t falter when Josh opened his apartment door to let him in. They talked for a while, the conversation light enough to make Josh feel at ease, but general enough to avoid the personal stuff. Ten minutes later, they sat on Blake’s car on their way to his apartment.

At his apartment, Blake resumed the easy conversation they had during the drive which confused Josh. He expected Blake to start making a move, not this. Could it be that a romantic lurked deep within Blake after all?

“I’m not one to beat around the bush so... I think you’re hot. My dick is stirring for you.” I guess that answers that. Blake slid on the couch, closer to Josh. Cupping the nervous Josh on the chin, Blake’s lips tentatively brushed against the guy sitting beside him. After more sensual kisses, Josh’s lips parted and a victorious smile appeared on Blake’s face. Blake’s lips and tongue became more forceful and Josh couldn’t do anything but surrender to his will.

Looking deep in Josh’s blue eyes, Blake tugged at the other’s white shirt. Their eye contact lingered for a moment. The confidence ebbed out of Blake for a while. “Are you sure?”

With his heart beating loudly against his ribcage he suspected Blake could hear it, Josh nodded despite the uncertainty he felt. Am I actually going to do this? He couldn’t deny that Blake affected him sexually, but what they would soon be sharing went against his beliefs. Didn’t I make such a big deal of casual sex when guys I’d been with participated in it? But those were different, they cheated on me. This... is something else.

Lost in the bluest of eyes, Blake hesitated for a moment before almost ripping the clothes off Josh’s body.

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Josh and Blake had a couple more sex dates after the first encounter. They even had a dinner date which didn’t end in either of them sleeping in the other’s bed. Blake planted a soft kiss on Josh’s pinkish full lips, said good night and left. After only a month, Josh knew he had developed feelings for Blake. He couldn’t be certain whether Blake felt the same. Whenever he analyzed the situation, he always came back to Blake’s initial email. His only interest in me is sex, nothing more.

Realizing he would only hurt himself if he allowed their sort of ‘relationship’ to continue, he sent Blake a text message. Meet me at the beach later at five. Need to discuss something important.

Minutes before the appointed time, Josh strolled around the small beach in deep thought. Blake said he’d be here. Looking around then at his watch, Josh decided to resume walking. Only a handful lingered so Blake wouldn’t miss him even if he didn’t stay in one place.

Josh decided early on that Blake knew what he wanted to discuss or at least he had an idea. His delayed reply confirmed Josh’s suspicion. What Blake’s reaction would be, Josh didn’t even want to imagine. One thing he knew, he had to say something or at the very least end the ‘relationship’ before he hurt himself.

Blake’s late, a quick peek at his watch told him. Thirty minutes passed which stretched to an hour. His fuck buddy had never been this late. Which meant only one thing, Blake’s not coming.

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Seven months passed. Josh had a scheduled flight tomorrow for a job opportunity at another state. He hadn’t heard from Blake since that fateful day, not that it surprised him. Blake had been clear from the start that he didn’t want a romantic relationship with anyone. Mistaking a veiled concern in Blake’s eyes as proof he also cared had been Josh’s first mistake. I thought wrong, of course.

He didn’t harbor any bad feelings toward Blake. How could he? Despite his aversion toward romantic relationships, he had been honest. A text message from Blake came yesterday asking for a meeting on the same beach at three in the afternoon. Josh replied ‘yes’ without even thinking about it.

Blake approached the patch of grass where Josh sat. Their eyes met and neither averted their gaze. Josh opened his mouth, but Blake put up his hands to silence him. “You... changed me.” The pause made Josh curious. Taking a deep breath, Blake continued. “I know I don’t deserve it, but please hear me out. Seven months ago, I wanted to be here. Whether you believe it or not, I really do. But something kept me away and it took me weeks to realize... I was scared.”

Lowering himself on the warm sand, Blake didn’t seem to mind the temperature as he sat down in front of Josh. “I didn’t want to admit I had feelings for you. That was what you wanted to discuss, right? When I have sex with other guys, the lust in their eyes added to my pleasure. But with you, it was... different. You regarded me as if I was something good or perhaps what you see is that I can be good? It unsettled me at first, but what I didn’t know was that I got addicted to it or something. You’re the first one to make me feel I could change.”

Josh kept silent so Blake continued. “The day we were supposed to meet, I met with another guy instead. I thought the encounter would make me forget about you. Instead, I realized how much you mean to me. Your hopeful eyes couldn’t compare to his lustful ones. It was the first time I ejaculated, but felt hollow inside. I didn’t change overnight, Josh. There had been nights my sexual need had overpowered me, but the same dissatisfaction followed. Think of it like my body’s desire was sated, but something inside me wasn’t. You’re what’s missing.”

As a last resort, Blake added, “I hadn’t had sex with anyone for two and a half months.”

Blake lost hope when he saw Josh shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Blake, you’re too late. I’d admit I had feelings for you and it took me months to get over them. Tomorrow I fly away from here in the hopes I’d find someone I could be with.”

They looked deep in each other’s eyes and suddenly, Blake shed a tear. The hopeful glint he had missed so much had returned in Josh’s eyes. “I must admit it would be foolish looking for another one when I already have someone right in front of me.”

Josh moved toward Blake and they shared a kiss. A hopeful future awaited them.