Diego & Germán - 6. Chapter VI: Melancholy

The next day, the Matrox 6000 had already finished Germán’s new clothes and some other stuff.

“Thank you so much for the toothbrusher. It’s really top notch. My old one was half as good. Oh, wow, these clothes look really good.”

On top of the pile was a beautiful blue t-shirt, with a slight iridescence, and a complicated drawing of a lush tree in blue and green tones, creating a changing, moving scape of light and shadow, as if the wind was blowing through: the kind of expensive looking t-shirt you could take to a posh party. Germán looked at it with big eyes, impressed with what he was seeing.

“You can try it on, to see if everything fits.” I just couldn’t shut my trap.

“Really?” He took off his t-shirt and put the new one on, without thinking twice about it. “Don’t you think it’s a little tight?” he said looking at his chest.

The material hugged tightly around his pecs and biceps, marking his nipples. My heart skipped a beat. He could have walked any catwalk in any mode holo in the galaxy.

“No, no,” I lied. “The material is elastic, so don’t worry.”

* Thank you Lisa. I owe you one. *

Taking another lump from the pile, he asked, “What is this?”

I blushed hard and mumbled, “It’s a leather mesh thong.”

“What's it good for?”

* Lisa, I’m going to kill you! Slowly and painfully! *

Trying to keep an innocent, deep red face, I mumbled on, “It’s... it’s kind of underwear? You know. To keep you fresh down under. It’s very healthy. If you want to have kids you know. Keeps the... thingies... strong.”

“Keeps the thingies strong”! Fuck my life! Arghhh!

* Lisa, I‘ll get you back, if it’s the last thing I do! *

# You will have to wait until I stop laughing. I am in stitches here! Let us keep the thingies strong! #

Germán’s deep voice brought me back. “Oh, thanks, I didn’t know.”

Most of the other stuff was just normal, comfortable workwear, but it was also the latest in technological fabric, colours and fashion. I was sure it would fit him like a glove, highlighting his crotch, ass and chest. There would be a sexy fashion model walking around the camp, wearing a leather mesh thong. And no touching, thank you very much.

I hate my life.

~~~

The next two weeks were some of the best ever. I was able to reign in my libido enough to enjoy his company as a person, not (only) as a piece of meat. We got into a routine of waking up in the morning and running through the forest or exercising, having breakfast, and then going to the excavation. Germán was very interested in learning about it, so I told him about the city that lay below, and the things I had discovered.

On the days he needed a bit more exercise, he went into the woods for a couple of hours, coming back flustered and tired. In the afternoon we went back to camp, to study whatever we had discovered, to repair and restock his equipment, and mine, to talk and laugh, and have dinner. We repaired everything he had, and I even made him a couple of new things that I thought would be useful.

Every now and then I couldn’t avoid thinking about how lonely this would be without him around.

Well, champ, you will also have to leave the planet in a short time. The colony needs the information you’ve gathered. -- “Knowledge is life. Ignorance is death”, and such. -- Ha! Now I’m beginning to talk like mum Isa, all deep wisdom, and shit.

I tried not to think about it so much, but Germán was slowly becoming an essential part of my day.

At the end of the second week I had to admit to myself I was falling fast and hard for him. Funny enough, it wasn’t his good looks that had done it, it was his quiet gentleness, the constant smile in his eyes, his wit, and thoughtfulness. He radiated a calm happiness that made him irresistible to me. It was as if, every time he was near, the world would begin to turn around him. Everything that happened, happened because he was there.

And it was killing me slowly. Unrequited love, the destiny of most love stories, specially gay ones. If you take into account that males are about half the population, gays are about 5%, and people in a similar age group of ±3 years are also about 4%, we are talking about that one in every thousand people you see walking on the street could be a possible candidate for a gay love interest. Now you just have to fish them out of the multitude, and choose the right one to fall in love with, so he falls in love with you too. What are the odds? No wonder a chance encounter in an uninhabited planet wasn’t it.

So I tried to concentrate my energy on my work. The objective of getting into the chamber I had discovered, had been a bit delayed by Germán, but I had also concentrated on a new finding: a primitive vehicle. Well, actually I found a pile of twisted metal, completely corroded, and some glass, plastic, rubber and other small pieces of ceramic. Lisa and the IA’s at the ship were working for hours to reconstruct the puzzle. At the end, what I had was a metallic outer structure, with glass covered windows, a big metallic engine in the front, plastic interiors, and rubber wheels. The engine in the front seemed to have functioned on -- wait to hear this -- explosions! They were driving vehicles where explosions were happening mere centimeters from where they were sitting! Moving in flimsy metal boxes on delicate rubber wheels at 170 km/h. The rubber wheels connected to the ground on four tiny patches, each the size of the palm of my hand. Those people were either crazy or very brave.

Imagine the network of good quality ways needed to allow these monsters to move around. How many resources did they dedicate to maintain that? I’ll have to check if I can find the rest of those ways. It would quickly and easily give me the position of other cities!

But it was not enough distraction. Controlling myself around Germán was consuming my strength Every word and every look had to be measured and monitored, not to give anything away.

Before German, it was never so difficult. Why now? -- Before German you never fell so hard for anyone.

* Lisa, how long does it take to get over a crush-falling-in-love combo?*

# That depends on the person, and the specific case. Mean value is about three months for the chemicals in your blood to disappear, but it can take a lifetime. #

* Fuck my life. Is there really nothing you can do about it? I’ll take anything to make this stop. *

# Oh, honey, you know I love you to death, literally, and I would do anything to spare you the pain, even if it was only to avoid the mopey mood around here, but to medicate this you would need a doctor and constant monitoring. Doing it by ourselves could cause a rebound reaction, and you ending up with an epic depression. #

* Shit! *

In the end my reaction was to withdraw from Germán, to become more reserved, to avoid proximity. Maybe it was the easy way out, but it was the only one I found feasible. Just thinking about his reaction if he discovered I was gay was too much to bear. I didn’t fear he would physically attack me; I knew him, and he’d never hurt me, and, in the worst case, I was perfectly capable of defending myself. It was losing his friendship that scared me. In hindsight, it was a stupid reaction: I was losing him either way. So, on the outside I became more and more taciturn; on the inside I was finding myself empty, an empty vessel covered by skin.

In the beginning Germán just looked puzzled at my mood swings, but didn’t say anything. Our spectacular first couple of days had inured him to my antics. But he ended up noticing that something fundamental had changed, and tried to compensate by making me laugh. How could I not have fallen for a guy that told the corniest jokes, and clowned around just to see me smile? What he didn’t notice was, the deeper he made me fall for him, the more I needed to draw back, to protect myself.

At the end of the third week he probably was so fed up with me, he asked during dinner.

“What’s happening? Why are you so sad lately? Any problems at home?”

I was not really prepared for this conversation, so I tried to content him with some vague answer.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry. It’ll pass. It’s just the menopause.”

Yeah, that was lame.

“It’s me, isn’t it?”

I panicked. “What?”

What? Has he discovered my crush? Oh, fuck, no! Now is when he pulls the heart out of my chest with his bare hands.

Ruffles stood up, alert at the new development. My face must have shown my confusion, because he immediately got up, letting the chair fall back, and began to shout in anger.

“I knew it! I thought you were different!” He spat, his face red, and angry, the veins on his forehead and neck pulsing violently. “It’s not my fault! They did it to me! No one asked me!” His eyes filled with unshed tears.

I was so wrapped up in myself I didn’t process his words initially. He continued more calmly, but also sadder.

“Do you think I would have chosen this? This is what I am, and I cannot and will not change it. If you can’t accept it, I’d better go.” With these last words he turned around, and walked towards his moto.

I got up, and ran to grab him on his upper arm.

“Wait! What...?! What the hell are you talking about?”

When he turned around, tears were running down his cheeks.

“Don’t play games with me, Diego. I know you know I’m modified. I don’t know how you know, but that doesn’t change a thing.”

I was so relieved I just laughed. His face, so full of pain, immediately lost any expression. Very quiet he said, “I never thought you’d be so cruel.” And then turned again to go.

“No, wait!” I shouted. “Of course I know you are modified. And I don’t care a flying fuck.”

“Why do you turn away from me then? Why do you always keep this distance? Don’t lie to me. At the beginning it wasn’t like this; we had a good friendship going on.”

“Germán, it’s not you, it’s me.” Oh, Uda. I didn’t say that, did I? “There are things I can’t get past...”

“I see, like, the fact that I‘m modified…”

“Stop saying that!”

“Are you ashamed of me? You are no better than the rest of them!”

Fury wrapped me like lava coming out of a volcano. Every single emotion I had been bottling up for the last three weeks popped out of me, taking any restraint with them. My face burned and my hands closed to fists.

“WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO SHOW YOU I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID MODIFICATION!!” I shouted. “REVEAL I LOVE YOU? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR? I love you, you stupid son of a bitch!”

We both stayed there, silent, breathing heavily, me with my mouth stupidly open, him with big surprised eyes.

Oh my Uda. What have I done! Always speaking before thinking. -- Lie! Tell him it was a joke. Tell him it was just a theoretical example. Tell him it’s not love-love, it’s just a bromance. Tell him you are drunk... for breakfast… While I was going through any possible contingency plans, a big, mischievous grin spread on Germán’s face.

“Really? You like me? You maybe even luurve me a little bit?”

What? I’ve just told him I am gay, I am in love, and he is the object of my affection, and he’s making fun of it? -- So this is what it looks like: mockery and ridicule. -- But I can’t lie to him, not to him. So I answered quietly,

“Yeah.”

I turned around with my head hanging, to go into my tent. I just wanted to lie down on the bed. I was too tired. Tired of everything. Tired of a life that was too damn hard on me, of fighting every single day just to fit in, of keeping back, of trying to be someone else, of feeling too much, of hoping for a love I knew deep down would never arrive. I would just ask Lisa for something to sleep and try to forget at least for a short while.

Darn it! This didn't go well. You know how it is, sometimes you fall for the wrong person. But then, why did the darn author spend so much time building up to the scene? Was he just leading us astray? We will know next week.  
Any gaffes are mine, and only mine, and I'd be very thankful if you noticed me... discretely
Carlos i Jaro, sou ben trempats ambdós. Moltes mercès per la ajuda i el vostre treball.