Thirty Two Faces - 15. Epilogue

17 June 2014

To: JMeier@gmail.com

From: SamuelM93@hotmail.com

Cc:

Re:

Hey Dad,

How is life in Sweden? Babe and I haven’t heard from you in two months, and I just want to check if everything is okay with you.

It’s been raining like crazy in Boston for the past few days. Everything seems so grey and gloomy here. Being in a big city can be quite lonely. Everyone here seems so cold and preoccupied, and no one really talks to anyone else. At least in California, people pretend to be friendly. Even though there aren’t a lot of people in Hot Springs, everyone knows everyone in the neighborhood. I guess you really turned me into a true-blue country boy. But now that you and Mom are gone, there isn’t much point for us to go back to Wyoming anymore. Boston is home for us, at least for now.

The past few weeks have been a madhouse for us. We just moved into a new apartment near our schools. It’s so cheap that it’s practically a steal. The only drawback is that it’s a pretty rough neighborhood. You can’t walk a few steps without stepping on shit or someone’s puke. I had to wash my shoes twice because of that.

Babe’s a pretty decent cook now, and he’s keeping the house clean and tidy. Do you still remember last year when we had to eat the same thing for an entire week when Mom was recovering? Now I actually have a menu to choose from. Are you impressed yet? The only thing I regret is putting him in charge of household expenses. The cheap booze and cigarettes he got for me from that budget store in Chinatown tasted so awful that I ended up quitting drinking and smoking. Maybe he did that on purpose.

Last week, I took on a second job as a freelance photographer. Hopefully, I can build up my portfolio and get someone to notice my work eventually. If things go well, I might stop working at the café. Some of my classmates get pretty decent gigs shooting wedding photos. Not really what I have in mind, but I can’t be picky right now. I could use the extra cash, even though now I’m practically freelancing for free. You have no idea how really expensive Boston is compared to Wyoming.

Do you know that Babe found a job, too? Amazing, isn’t it? Yesterday, we just received his acceptance letter from Harvard. Professor Hoffman had introduced him to some of the professors there, and they were pretty impressed. They offered him a scholarship and even a post as a research assistant. It doesn’t pay much, but it really helps out with the rent. I know things are tough for you financially, so we won’t expect any help from you. I’m sure we can manage somehow.

I think Professor Hoffman is quite glad to get rid of Babe. Did he complain to you how much Babe is driving him up the wall? It cracks me up every time I see his face when Babe argues with him. He would never have guessed that the same, sweet little boy from Portland turned out to be such a stubborn mule like his brother. You and Mom should really give yourself a medal for your patience. I’m just kidding. The professor has done a good job with Babe. He still struggles with understanding people, but he never fails to try and he can do a lot of stuff by himself now. There’s no stopping him once you get him motivated. Last year, he even took the New York subway all by himself. You won’t believe he has his own circle of friends now. I have to set curfews to make sure he gets home in time. I even grounded him for a week when he forgot the time.

Can’t believe Babe’s turning eighteen in a few weeks. I’m planning to take him on a camping trip to celebrate. He’s getting used to the bustle of Boston, but I think he needs to be away from people once in a while.

Mom would have been so proud of him. I wish she was still around to see how much he’s grown. We really miss her badly. For the past two months, Babe has made hot chocolate before he sleeps and puts it next to our bed. He never drinks it. He makes it because Mom used to do that for him every day.

Sometimes when I wake up, I find it hard to believe that she’s really gone. It almost feels like a bad dream. Life is so short and fragile, Dad. Even though we knew the odds were grim that she’d live beyond five years, we never really wanted to believe them. I wish we could have stayed home with her till the end. Had we only known how little time we had left.

At least Mom was happy for the last few months of her life. When she called and told us about all the friends she made at yoga, she sounded really excited. All the things she had always wanted to do, places she had wanted to go but never could because of Keith – I’m glad that you had made those happen for her. When I saw her lying in the coffin so peacefully, I thought she looked really beautiful.

Sometimes when I come home, I find Babe staring out the window looking at the stars. I think he really misses Wyoming. He used to do that a lot on our balcony when all of us were still there together. At least Babe and I have each other. I’m glad that you have grandma for company. You shouldn’t have to go through everything alone.

We haven’t talked much, Dad, since Mom’s funeral. Babe really misses you and he has been asking why you haven’t called. I thought about calling you, but I guessed you probably needed some time alone. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have gone back to Sweden to start life anew. It’s still your birthplace, and I would imagine you had many memories growing up there.

It’s not easy for me to say this, but I know things have been awkward between you and me since last summer, ever since you found out about us. I want to apologize for overreacting at Mom’s funeral when you told me you wanted to take Babe to Sweden with you. Things got heated, and I should’ve known you were going through a rough patch. I would still have said no, anyway, but what’s done is done.

When we came home to see Mom for the last time, it really broke our hearts to see her so frail. She barely recognized us. I can’t imagine how it must have been like for you to watch her fade away before your eyes. She is gone now, and we are what you have left for family. If that still means anything to you, I hope we can talk about things honestly for once. Babe and I are together now. You don’t have to like it or understand it; I’m just asking you to accept our decision.

I’ve heard what you said to me loud and clear when we were there for the funeral. You think that I’m biting off more than I can chew and that I would screw up my brother if things didn’t work out between us. You are right to worry, and I often doubt myself as well. You are also right when you said I didn’t think things through properly when I allowed Babe to cross the line. I would be lying if I told you there weren’t times when I wasn’t freaked out by the whole idea of it. I can’t promise what will happen in the future. Even if I did, you wouldn’t believe me, anyway.

Taking care of Babe is a big commitment, something that I have to see through for the rest of my life. You think I’m still young and I might regret this decision sooner or later. You’re not wrong to worry about that, as well. Sometimes, I feel that I have missed out on a lot of my youth. Temptations seem to be everywhere – all that partying, all those pretty girls so eager and available, all the fun everyone else is having. It may seem like a lot to give up at my age, but even when I get cold feet, nothing scares me more than breaking his heart.

I’ve thought about many things for the past two months – like why I am always mad at you. The truth is that I’m actually mad at myself. And that’s because I have all of your flaws but none of your virtues.

Mom told me all about your history. You were afraid to get tied down when she first met you in college. At least you had the guts to take the plunge and see it through. You stuck with Mom till the very end. Despite the mistakes you made, you never gave up on making things work. Except for Beth, I never dated a girl for more than three months. Sometimes I wonder if I held on to her to prove a point. Until I had done the same as you, I had no right to judge you.

Mom also told me that you never really wanted to have children, but you did your best with us anyway. In a way, I’m glad that you weren’t perfect, because I’m not perfect, either. I hope that makes us even.

What I want to tell you is that I have thought things through properly this time. Mom’s death was a wake-up call for me; it really put my priorities into perspective. Babe and I have been close since we were young, and you have no idea how precious it is to have someone who thinks you are the center of their universe for their entire life.

There are things I can promise, and there are things that I can’t. No matter what happens in the future, Keith and I will stick together. Of that much, I can be certain. We didn’t decide to bond overnight on a whim. For the same reason, I won’t ditch him on a whim, either.

Babe and I made an agreement. If I happen to meet someone in the future, she would have to accept that Keith would continue to live with me. It would be the same for him, too. You might think we are crazy, but there are no rules that really apply to us. We just have to make things up along the way and see what works.

There will always be temptations and doubts, but there will also be lots of warmth and joy with him around. I would never be happy if I spent my life thinking about what I had missed out on. Even when I was with Beth, who was everything I had wanted, it was never enough for me. I’m glad I realized that soon enough. I’m sure you had your doubts as well when you decided to settle for Mom.

But having said all that, the past year being with him had been the happiest time of my life. Taking care of him gives me a clear purpose in life. That is why you had put me in charge of him when we were kids in the first place, isn’t it? It was so that I can learn about responsibility and caring about someone else.

Babe saved me from being a complete asshole. And I like myself a lot more when he’s around. That’s why you can’t take him away from me, Dad. As far as I’m concern, from now on, home is where he is.

Remember the eulogy you made at Mom’s funeral? You said, When the chemistry ebbed, my wife suddenly felt like my sister.

That line of yours made me laugh and cry at the same time. I wonder how much of that was meant for me and Keith.

Mom said something similar to me when I first met Beth. She told me passion is only going to fuel a relationship for so long. Love is a race against time to build a lasting bond before the chemistry recedes. Otherwise, you might wake up and get freaked out by all the warts and scars you see on the person lying next to you.

I know what I’m getting into. We know each other inside out. For me and Babe, there is no race against time. I won’t wake up one day seeing something I don’t like about him and start bolting for the door. I hope you can have some faith in me, Dad. Or at least, think about what I’ve said for a bit.

If you think what we do is simply wrong, there is nothing else I can say. You might be right, but whether you like it or not, we have crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed. I’m sorry if what I say makes you uncomfortable, but it isn’t something you can wish away by not talking about it.

It’s probably a bad time to say all these things to you. You have to deal with your grief, among other things. But I want you to know it took me a lot of balls to write this email to you. And I have to do this now before I change my mind. Since we never talked about it, I don’t know what you really think of us. And I don’t want you to imagine all kinds of things about us, and I don’t want this wall to become so high that, one day, we have to tread on eggshells to ever talk again.

We are not doing this to spite you, and we are not doing this for the thrills, either. You might not believe it, but our relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing. What happened isn’t your fault or Mom’s. It’s definitely not mine, either, even though you said I should’ve known better.

Phew.

I can’t believe I actually said all that. This is longest email I’ve ever written to anyone. And I probably told you more things here than I have told you over the past twenty years. We never really had a proper conversation between us, father and son, but I hope it’s not too late to start. If you decide that you never want anything to do with us again, at least I have said my piece.

Meanwhile, I want to let you know that we plan to save up to travel the world once both of us graduate. So far, there aren’t any concrete plans, but we would probably start off in Asia, living in a city for a few months or a year before moving on to the next. Things are still fuzzy, but I can really see it happening. Even though Babe still has to struggle taking the subway by himself, he’s really psyching himself up to roam the world with me. We are making baby steps, but you won’t believe how seriously Babe is taking it. You would have been so proud of him. It will be the biggest adventure of our lives.

One day, if we end up in Sweden, we hope to still find you there. I hope to hear from you again soon or whenever you are ready.

Take care, Dad. Till then,

Love,

Samuel.