Have I Mentioned That I Miss You? - 1. Have I Mentioned That I Miss You?

Have I Mentioned That I Miss You?

by Luc

Monday:

Well, Allen, I’m here. Almost changed my mind, which is why I’m here on Monday instead of Sunday. But I could hear you saying “Don’t be stupid, everything’s paid for and they won’t give you the money back if you cancel this late.” That and sitting around the house when I had planned to be sitting around on the beach would probably have me in a mood all week. Not that I’m not going to be in one anyway, since you aren’t here.

It’s been a long time since I set up camp by myself. God, I think the last time I camped without you was when you had football camp the same week you, Steve, Kyle and I had planned to go camping. I remember being SO pissed at you because Steve and Kyle went off to get beer and left ME to set the damned tents up. The fucks. Had everything almost set up by the time they got back. And they didn’t even get any of the beer that I liked. I mean really, who actually drinks Genesee?

So I’m sitting here at the picnic table spraying myself with bug spray and thinking about putting up the tent. Part of me is thinking I should just sleep in the back of the van. But I know that would get old after one night. It’s too warm in the van without the ac. It’s SO hot here! Remember how it was the time we went to Galveston? Remember how it felt like you could just squeeze the water out of the air? It feels like that here right now. We’re supposed to get a thunderstorm tonight. Which figures. Have we ever gone camping when it DIDN’T rain?

Ok, it didn’t rain that one Memorial Day weekend—but it SNOWED instead, which was just as bad. Though I wouldn’t mind if it would snow right now. Would gladly freeze my ass off sleeping naked in the tent like we did that first night. You said sleeping naked would make it easier to share our body heat, but God! It was 30 degrees! I don’t think there is enough body heat in the world to make sleeping naked in 30 degree weather feel nice and warm. And I really never understood how you could get condensation on the inside of a tent when it is only 30 degrees.

And tell me again why only MY side of the tent ever got wet? I really have always suspected you of deliberately placing things so that everything would drip onto MY head instead of yours. Yeah, you KNOW you did it on purpose.

Ok, had to stop and put the tent up. As I was writing that last bit it started to thunder. And really, I do NOT want to put up a tent in the rain. God knows we did that enough times when we camped across country. I think the only time it WASN’T raining when we were setting up camp—or taking it down—was in Wyoming, when we stayed at the KOA. I remember I was an instant fan of Wyoming. Nice and dry there. But setting up camp in the rain WITH YOU was fun. Doing it by myself would definitely NOT be fun.

You know, I think I brought as much stuff with me as we brought for the both of us. Maybe a little less food. Ok, a LOT less food because you always eat twice as much as I do. Oddly enough, though, I seem to have brought more beer. No clue how that happened. Oh well, if you bring it, you have to drink it. Oh great, it’s starting to rain now. Just felt some drops through the trees. Great. Guess I won’t be making a campfire tonight. And don’t roll your eyes at me because you KNOW I didn’t put up the dining canopy yet. I HATE putting that thing up and I only brought it because it was with the tent. So yeah, am going to go sit in the van now and watch TV. SO glad you bought that TV that plugs into the cigarette lighter. I thought you were a lunatic at the time.

GOD! I swear that bolt of lightning missed me by inches! You know, whose bright idea was it to put campsites under trees? Weren’t they thinking of the possibility of LIGHTNING? And don’t they tell you never to stand under a tree during a lightning storm? God, remember Idaho? Will never forget hearing that crack and looking up as the tree fell on the tent site just next to ours.

Well, just watching the local weather. Thunderstorms tonight but tomorrow is supposed to be nice. Not as hot as today, only supposed to go up to 85. It’s raining hard right now. I didn’t take anything out of the van except what had to go in the tent. So at least I have some food in here. Always liked hotdogs better right from the package anyway. Forgot the rolls anyway. Remembered the hamburger rolls though. Would have been nice if I remembered the hamburgers. Will get some at the store tomorrow or at some point. But I have Spaghetti-O’s with meatballs. And don’t gag, they are GOOD right from the can. You just have no taste. Besides, everything goes well with beer.

Ok, the rain has slowed down, so am going to go in the tent now. You know, except for that time when you went to football camp, I’ve never actually slept in a tent without you. Going to feel strange.

Tuesday:

You know, buying the tent with that cover that goes over the top was the best idea I ever had. Yes, it WAS my idea. YOU just wanted to put the tarp over the top of the tent, which would have been fine except then it covered the air screens and the tent got hot as hell. I like how this tent lets the air in and manages to keep the rain and the condensation out. So no wet pillows for me. Though honestly, I’d rather have wet pillows with you here than dry ones without you.

Slept like shit, but that’s fairly normal. It’s only 7:30 and it’s already pretty warm. Going to have to get some ice before I go to the beach or I’ll come back to a cooler full of warm food. Oh, found the hotdog rolls. They were in with the towels. Should have looked there. Yeah, I know, I pack odd—but the towels cushion the rolls. Though why I didn’t do that with the hamburger rolls I couldn’t say.

Made breakfast. Thought of you. Remember when we camped across country and I made bacon, eggs and home fries just about every morning? Didn’t bother with the bacon, but made an omelet this morning. Put some cheese and some red peppers and onions in it. Was good. No toast, though. Really, they should make a toaster that you can plug into the cigarette lighter. You know, I really should get one of those converters, the ones that you plug into the cigarette lighter and you can plug a regular power cord into the other end. I know you know what that is called, but I can’t think of the name for it at the moment. Could bring the microwave then.

I’m going to head on out to the beach now. I want to get a decent parking spot so that I am near things and not way down at the one end. I think low tide is around 9ish. Not sure though. I have a “chart.” Oh, don’t laugh at me, you know I would have a “chart.” And yes, I can read it, so don’t be a smart ass. I want to stake out a spot up by the wall so that when high tide comes, I can still be on the beach. Though I’m not sure if I will spend all day on the beach. I did bring some books to read and I will be writing this to you, but may do some other things, too. Not sure yet. Though if I know me, I’ll be sitting on the beach reading all day and hoping no one talks to me. I really am not great about going places alone. Not like I have to tell you that.

Well, made it to the beach. You know, for a Tuesday, it looks like it is going to be fairly crowded. Not like it is the week of the 4^th or anything. Didn’t really expect it to be this busy. But I got a “good seat” for high tide. Took a walk down to the water. It’s a little cold, but not that bad. And I know it will warm as the tide comes in. Walked along the beach for a little bit. I like this beach. It is pretty hard and doesn’t make me feel like it is all being pulled out from under me. I really hate that sort of beach. Freaks me out.

I miss you. I remember the first time we came here. Was the first time we went on vacation since we were “together.” That felt so different, you know? We went camping together since we were kids, but that was the first time we went anywhere like that as a “couple.” I remember I couldn’t stop smiling. You kept asking me why I was smiling like that. It was because you were holding my hand. Right out there in front of everyone. Never really got over that feeling, that YOU were holding MY hand. And don’t look like that, you know what I mean. There you were, telling everyone in the world that you were with me. Like you wanted everyone to know. And that has always amazed me.

Had pizza for lunch with some Diet Coke. Yeah, I know, I’m already buzzing from the caffeine. Probably why my stomach feels tight and knotted up. Pizza was good, though. Had sausage and mushrooms on it. I brought my CD player, so I think I’m just going bring the lounge chair down about half way to the water and chill until my ass starts to get wet. Yes, I put sun block on. Got the spray kind so I could get it on my back without someone to rub it on for me. Would rather have you rub it on me though. Really would love that right now. I miss your hands.

Fell asleep. Woke up when the waves started going up my swim shorts. Good thing I put that sun block on. Put the lounge chair back in the van with the CD player and went for a swim. I love the ocean. I love how the salt water smells. Makes my hair feel cruddy though. But I’ll shower it off later. There were some guys playing football in the water. Had a moment then. You know, the football was in the camping stuff. Had a moment when I found that, too. Really, I’m starting to think I should have just stayed home this week.

Wednesday:

Well, got blisteringly drunk last night. Ended up sleeping on the floor of the tent because I guess I must have fallen off the air mattress. Don’t remember. Slept well, though. Have a bit of a headache now, and my knees hurt. I have never figured out why my knees hurt when I drink like that. But I suppose having my knees hurt is better than having a hangover. I suppose that IS my hangover. That and the little headache. But that’s already starting to go away. Had some ibuprofen and some oj. Good breakfast, isn’t it? But really don’t feel like making anything. Will just snack out during the day.

I think I’m going to go to Boston today. Going to take the ferry across the harbor. May go to Quincy Market. Just in the mood to poke around shops today. Will probably be the one thing that won’t make me miss you insanely since I’ve never been able to convince you to go there with me. I know you hate shopping. But there are also some pretty historical things there. Yeah, I know. Not your thing either. But I love things like that. Really could spend a lot of time in Boston just walking around and touching the old buildings. Yeah, would probably get arrested on suspicion of being an escaped lunatic.

Just got back from Boston. You know, I love the ferry. It is the only boat I don’t mind being on. I could ride it back and forth across the harbor all day. I love how it feels when it picks up speed and the wind hits you in the face. Remember the first time we took the ferry to Boston? I was sure I was going to heave. Took Dramamine and everything. I remember how you had your arm around my shoulders the entire way. And you kept asking me if I was ok. I missed your arm today.

I bought a really pretty crystal today. It’s a faceted ball type thing and is about an inch in diameter. Nothing unusual, but it really catches the sun. Oh, also bought a stained glass sun catcher. Has a black and white cat on it, and the cat is looking out a window. Reminded me of Spatz. Also bought some cheese. Some REALLY sharp cheddar. Got some crackers to go with it. Will have some when I get back to camp.

I was wrong about Quincy Market. I still missed you insanely.

Thursday:

Well, the week’s almost over. Got to the beach really early today. Saw the sunrise. Figured since I was awake, I might as well head to the beach. Took some pictures. Hope they come out ok because the sunrise was so amazing

There’s a carnival tonight and tomorrow. They were finishing setting it up this morning. It looks like the same one that was there last year. I’m not sure if I will go or not. It won’t be the same without you. Going on rides alone isn’t any fun. Eating cotton candy alone isn’t very fun. Ok, I suppose I COULD manage to eat cotton candy alone because I REALLY love cotton candy. Ok, and maybe I could manage some sausage and peppers alone, because I do have to eat. But I don’t know. Will see how I feel by then. I’m not feeling that great at the moment. Really miss you.

Went to the arcade for a while. Ended up with SO many of those tickets. Gave them to this little kid who was there. Should have seen his eyes. They nearly bugged out of his head. Got this look from his mom, though. I think she thought I was some kind of pervert trying to lure her little boy. I guess people are just so suspicious these days. No one expects that anyone will give anyone anything without expecting something in return. But it was nice because as I was leaving, the kid was at the counter “spending” his tickets. Was funny as hell because he was saying “I’ll take one red space alien for five tickets and one pooping dog for seven tickets…” You’d like the pooping dog. It’s a little plastic dog about two inches, if that, and when you squeeze it, this brown thing sticks out of its ass. Totally gross as hell. Was great. Almost bought one, but no point unless you have someone to share that little gem with.

Came back to the campsite early. It’s hot, but not as humid as it has been. But I’m really tired tonight. Don’t feel like doing much of anything. Just going to sit here and grill a burger or two and drink myself to sleep.

Well, so much for THAT plan. Seems I only have six beers left. Which sucks because if I drink those six, I won’t be drunk enough to pass out—but I’ll be legally too drunk to drive to get more beer. So I guess I’ll go get some more beer now. And here I thought I had brought enough. Have MORE than enough food. Probably could have just brought beer and a few bags of chips and a few cans of Spaghetti-O’s and that would have been better.

Friday:

You know, things happen to me. Have you ever noticed that? Yeah, I know you have. But I suppose that is what makes life interesting. Though I really could use a little less “interesting” for the most part.

Well, last night I was low on beer and decided to go out and get some more. Told you that. Ended up driving to the beach. Was a completely spur of the moment thing. It was just a nice night and it was getting close to sunset and I just wanted to be on the beach at sunset. Which was a masochistic thing to do, really, since the beach and sunset belong to you, to us. But it was an incredible sunset, even more beautiful than the sunrise. Took some pics. Really hope they come out well.

You know, I found myself walking along the beach, at the edge of the water. I love the feeling of the water licking at my ankles. Makes me want to lick your ankles. Have I mentioned that I miss you?

Anyway, was walking along and not really paying much attention. Walked right into someone. Now…how can you actually DO that? A person tends to be something you can see. But apparently he wasn’t looking where he was going and I wasn’t looking where I was going and it turned out we were both going to the exact same spot—where we collided. He was nice about it. Apologized and gave me a hand up. Well yeah, of COURSE I ended up on my ass. Which is another amazing thing, really. But I blame the beach sand. Never really have the best footing on beach sand. Even the nice, hard kind.

He was nice, though. Turns out he is from New York, too. Though he is from the City. Told him I was from New York also; and when I mentioned where, he was like “How freaky is that? I’m being transferred to Albany in September.” Small world, I guess. We got talking and seems he is in Boston on business but is staying in Hull with his sister. Told him I was staying at the state park, in a tent. He asked me if I had recently escaped from a mental institution or if I just liked camping. I told him I really didn’t like camping all that much. Looked at me a bit curiously at that point. Probably wondered if I really HAD escaped from a mental institution.

Ended up walking over to the carnival. I was hungry at that point and I could smell the sausage and peppers. So we had something to eat and sat and talked for a while. Turns out he is one of those “ride people.” Like you. He went on a few rides and I hung around and watched. He SOMEHOW managed to convince me to go on this one ride with him. Was probably when he took my cotton candy and said he would eat it if I didn’t go on with him.

Was this god-awful stupid looking ride. You get into this little red car and it goes around this track and then it goes into this tube-like thing at the center. Which looks harmless enough—except when you go inside this tube, you go straight up. And I don’t mean it lifts you up on an elevator-type thing. You go on a track that is like a roller coaster track and you are sitting in this little death trap looking straight up at the sky like you are in a fucking rocket. Yeah, don’t laugh, you KNOW I was about ready to shit at that point, because I just KNEW that “what goes up must come down.” And it did. Not straight down like it went up—which was a very good thing. Except it went around and around and around like a goddamned corkscrew. By the time it got to the bottom my life was passing in front of my eyes—along with visions of projectile sausage and peppers.

Poor guy, his name is Dave, by the way—not “You goddamned son of a bitch” like I called him on the way down. But I really didn’t realize I had grabbed his arm. He didn’t complain, though he did suggest I might want to cut my nails a little bit shorter—which he said while he was wiping the blood from his arm where my nails had dug in. Good thing I always carry band-aids in my wallet. I assured him I had all my shots. He laughed and said he wasn’t worried because as far as he knew, all mental institutions required that the patients be fully immunized.

All in all, it was a nice night. I felt a bit lighter, you know? Was good to have some company, someone to talk to. Though I really missed you. And I forgot to get the beer, which was the whole point of leaving the campsite. Which is pretty much like me.

Remember when I lost the story I was writing when I accidentally clicked “No” instead of “Yes” when Word asked me if I wanted to save the document I was exiting from? I had written 13 pages and lost them all. Not one of them saved. Gone forever. I know you remember that because I cried all over you because those words had been important to me—and no matter how hard you try, you can never rewrite the same words. Well, that’s how I felt last night when I got back to the campsite and sat down to write more to you. I reached in my pocket and my notebook was gone. I panicked. I practically tore the van apart. Looked under the seats, everywhere. It wasn’t there. I looked all through the tent, figuring it might have fallen out when I had gone in there to add ice to the cooler before I left to go get the beer. It wasn’t there. I grabbed the big flashlight and looked all around the campsite, figuring maybe it had either fallen out of my pocket when I was doing something there or maybe I hadn’t even put it in my pocket, maybe I had set it on the picnic table or something. But it wasn’t there.

My heart was pounding at this point. If it wasn’t in the van, the tent or around the campsite, it had to be somewhere I had been from the time I got out of the van to the time I got back into the van—which meant somewhere on the beach or at the carnival or in the beach parking lot. So I got in the van and drove back to the beach. Mind you, it was 2 am by this time. I spent two hours retracing my steps. Except I couldn’t retrace them on the beach because the tide had come further in since I had walked it—so if I had dropped it on the beach, it was long gone. And the carnival was closed and locked up. I walked all the way around the fence, shining my flashlight everywhere. Got stopped by a cop—who suspected me of god knows what. I explained to him that I had lost a notebook and was thinking maybe I had lost it at the carnival. He was sympathetic, but “politely” advised me to look when the carnival opened in the afternoon.

So I went back to the campsite and lost it. I completely lost it. All my words to you, words I could never rewrite, were gone forever. I was hysterical. Sat in the van—because it is a bit more soundproof than the tent—and cried like a little girl. You know, I know it is stupid, but as I wrote all those words to you, it felt like I was talking to you. And losing those words made me feel like I had lost you. Again.

The six beers went down quickly and I fell asleep in the van at some point.

When I woke up today, I just packed up everything. I just wanted to go home. But I couldn’t go home without taking one more look. And I know it was stupid to walk all along the beach again—because the tide had been in and out and there was no way a little paper notebook would have survived even getting wet, let alone being swept out to sea and back again. Yeah, I know, it would have been the other way around since the tide came in and then went out, but don’t hold me to details like that—I was upset.

The carnival wasn’t open yet, so all I could do there was to walk around outside the fence and look in—which was a little better than it had been in the dark with a flashlight, but not much. Of course, I didn’t see it. So I sat down on one of the benches and figured I’d wait until it opened and go in and look around. But by that time I knew there was really no point.

Then someone said, “Hey, I was hoping I would find you.”

I looked up and it was Dave. He smiled at me and said he had something he figured I might be looking for. My heart nearly stopped. I’m not kidding, it flipped in my chest. He reached in his pocket and pulled out my notebook.

“I saw it on the ground next to where you had been parked.” He had walked with me back to the van when we had parted last night.

I took it from him and thanked him. I felt so relieved that I just wanted to burst into tears. I did somehow manage NOT to do that, but I had to close my eyes pretty tightly and bite my lips a bit. When I opened my eyes again, he was sitting next to me.

He said he was sorry, that he had read it and he knew he shouldn’t have. But at first he had hoped it might have something in it that would tell him if it belonged to me and, if it did, maybe there would be something that would give him an idea how to get it back to me. He knew my first name but not my last, so even knowing that I was camping at the state park wouldn’t have helped. And he knew the city I lived in, but again, with only a first name that wouldn’t do any good either.

I thanked him again and told him it was ok that he’d read it.

He sat there for a moment and didn’t say anything. Then he said that I must love you very much and asked me why I missed you, where you were. Allen, you know how it is when you are hurting so incredibly badly but you are ok—until someone says something comforting or in a certain “tone of voice” and then you fall apart? Yeah, that’s what I did. He asked it so quietly and I could hear the sympathy in his voice—even though he didn’t know anything about you and next to nothing about me.

Yeah, losing it in front of a nearly total stranger is always nice. He put his arm around my shoulders even before I managed to get the words out. And once I managed to get them out, his other arm went around me and he held me against him while I babbled everything to him, about how we had been best friends since we were kids and how after so many years of stupidity we finally got together and how we had gotten married and about the accident and how we had planned to go on this vacation together and how much I missed you and how when I lost my notebook with all my words to you it felt like I had lost you all over again.

Poor guy. First I literally run into him, then I draw blood with my fingernails and then I sob all over him on a public bench. A sane man would have run like hell and never looked back. But he walked me back to the van and when we got there, he took my hand and said, “Nothing ever happens without a reason. Sometimes it just takes a while before you figure out what it is.”

You used to say that to me.

Then he gave me his business card and wrote his cell number on the back. Said I could call him anytime if I ever wanted someone to talk to. And he asked if he could call me when he moves to Albany in September. I told him he could and gave him my number.

So I’m sitting here in the van now, at the rest stop with the McDonald’s that sells lobster rolls. Remember that? We both thought it so bizarre that a McDonald’s would sell something like that. But I’m thinking that maybe I did the right thing by going on this vacation anyway, even though you couldn’t go with me. Some of the memories hurt like hell, but they were all good—and I guess as long as I have those memories, I’ll never really “lose” you. And serendipity has always found a place in my life. It’s pretty much how you and I became friends in the first place. And literally running into Dave like that may have been one of those serendipitous things, and one of those things that “happen for a reason.” Not that I’m thinking of anything LIKE THAT, because I don’t know that I could ever feel like that for anyone else ever again. But I’m thinking he could be a friend. Maybe even a good friend. And I really could use one or two of those.

Love you always, Allen, and I miss you more than I can ever say.

Matt

© 2006 Luc

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