Go Your Own Way - 4. Chapter 4

Go Your Own Way

Chapter 4

My parents’ visit went well. We ate at great restaurants, rode the streetcar up St. Charles, visited the WWII museum, had beignets at Cafe DuMonde, the works. We hadn’t seen much of Kelly; between work and the Decadence festivities, he was gone most of the weekend, but he did come over for dinner on Labor Day. My mother had insisted on cooking for her baby boy.

Dad and Kelly had recognized fellow film buffs in each other and were in an intense debate about the Ghostbusters remake and whether it was better or worse than Ghostbusters 2. Since I hadn’t even known there was a Ghostbusters 2, I happily volunteered to help Mom with the dishes.

She had avoided the topic of Christmas the entire visit, so I wasn’t surprised when she used this opportunity to talk to me alone about it.

“I understand if you don’t want to be there for the family dinner on Christmas Day, but at least consider being there for your father’s birthday party. I’m holding on that Friday, the 23th, at the Bayou Macon Country Club. There’s going to be dinner...a band...dancing. There will be a ton of people there. You don’t have to talk to anyone you don’t want to.”

She was tactful enough to avoid the names.

“Mom….” I started.

“Look,” she said, dropping the plate she was holding into the soapy water and drying her hands. “I know you were hurt. I know you did nothing wrong, but ….”

She trailed off, wrapping one arm around herself, covering her face with the other hand. “Shit,” she said before straightening her spine and running her hands through her hair. “What happened wasn’t fair. But life isn’t fair. And I want you know Alicia and Craig. They’re great children. And I want them to know their uncle.”

“I don’t think I can bear looking at them. I’m sorry if that makes me a bad person, but it’s the truth.”

She sighed heavily. “I don’t think it makes you a bad person. I think it makes you human.” She gave me a wry smile and a hug. “I’ll stop the pressure, but think about it, okay? At least the birthday party.”

“I’ll think about it. I promise.”

We washed for a bit in silence before she spoke again.

“Kelly seems very nice.”

“He is.”

“I think he’s been a good influence. You’ve certainly become a lot more social.” My mother, familiar with my natural reticence, had been shocked by the number of neighbors who I had greeted with an answering “hello” and a wave during our morning walks, and I had attributed my meeting them to Kelly’s efforts to pull me out of my shell.

“He’s very attractive,” she continued. “Is he dating anyone?”

“In the market for a boytoy, Mom? What would Dad say?”

“He would probably point out that even if I were in the market and 40 years younger, I still wouldn’t have the right equipment to attract Kelly.”

“Mom!” I said throwing a rag at her. “I do not want to ever hear you discuss your equipment again.’

“Noted,” she said primly. “But back to my question. Is he single?

“Yes. He had a bad breakup about 8 months ago, and he’s not over it. It’s a shame. He’s such a great guy. I wish he could find some one.”

“Do you?” she said in a strange tone. I turned to look at her quizzically as she spoke again. “Do you really?”

Before I could ask her what she meant, Dad and Kelly spilled into the kitchen, now arguing about the Ben-Hur remake and demanding fresh drinks.

After Labor Day, things became busier for both Kelly and me. At work, we were entering an important phase of the construction, and Kelly was busy helping his childhood friend Erin plan her wedding.

It was a bit awkward for him since she was marrying his ex’s brother. In fact, Erin and Todd had met at a party Kelly and Del had thrown.

“It was NOT a setup,” Kelly insisted after I asked him. “I hate setting people up; it never works, and then they both end up hating you. One thing I think you and I will always agree upon is that matchmakers are the worst kind of people.”

“Here, here,” I said lifting my beer. We were eating at a neighborhood restaurant, Liuzza’s, that served their beer in iced chalices. I thought the chalice added a certain gravitas to my gesture.

“Anyway, they hit it off. I do like Todd. He seems like a nice guy; I hope he’s not secretly an asshole like Del.” He paused, “Though to be fair, Del was kind of openly an asshole, I just thought his asshole exterior hid a heart of gold. Apparently, I was wrong.”

She was getting married in 19th century house in the country outside of Shreveport that was now a B&B, and the wedding party was planning to stay there throughout the weekend, since it was an hour’s drive back into the city. Though the wedding wasn’t until November, Kelly had to make several trips to North Louisiana to pick out decorations, meet with the florists, etc.

With such a busy fall, I was excited when Halloween and the chance for a break from work rolled around. Dion hosted a Halloween party at the shop, but he insisted that the four of us go to the French Quarter during Halloween weekend itself.

“It’s going to be fantastic, darling,” he assured me. “And don’t worry about your costume, I’ll take care of it.

“I can put something together.”

“Darling,” Dion said, “I’m sure whatever you picked would be…..” he paused meaningfully “...exquisite, but let Momma handle this.” He patted my hand. “Let’s see,” he said, his eyes scanning me. “You wear…..hmmm...a 33 waist and a large shirt?”

“Right,” I said. “Impressive.”

His eyes closed for a minute as he thought. Then they opened, wide with excitement. “I know the perfect thing. You and Kelly will be a set. You will be adorable!”

Chills rolled down my spine……

Kelly walked in. He had been standing at the door listening. “So you’ve decided on my costume, too?”

“Of course, darling. You know costumes are kind of my thing.”

“True,” said Kelly. “So have you picked your own out yet? Something simple? Like swathing yourself in gold lame and renting a crew of oiled Nubians to carry you down St. Anne on a litter?”

“I did think of that,” Dion said. “But renting Nubians is so expensive these days. All I could afford was some skinny white boys, and I decided that would ruin the effect.”

Dion had insisted we dress in our costumes at his place. “So much easier that way,” he had purred. “I’ll make some drinks, we can take the same Uber. It’ll be fun. Just like prom.”

He had opened the door wearing a costume that was remarkable for containing 30 yards of green fabric while still exposing 95% of his smooth cocoa skin.

“What are you?” I asked.

“A dryad, darling, but it’s nothing without the headpiece and makeup.”

“A dryad?”

“A dryad. You know, a wood nymph. And Eric’s going as the lumberjack who’s trying to chop down my tree. And you and Kelly are going to be part of the woodland theme, too.”

“Don’t blame me,” Kelly’s voice carried from the kitchen. “I had nothing to do with any of it.”

“Hush up, child,” Dion called to Kelly. He turned back to me. “Your costume is in the powder room. I can’t wait to see you in it.”

When he had insisted on my getting a spray tan (“You know I think you’re gorgeous, darling, but the costume would look better with just a teensy bit of color, and while you’re at the salon...maybe have them do something about those eyebrows….and don’t skip leg day at the gym”), I thought I had reached the pinnacle of fear. But now with the hour of what I was increasingly sure was my Halloween doom upon me, I realized there was indeed greater levels of dread.

With a cold feeling in the pit of my stomach, I headed to the powder room. I had worn the hiking boots he had asked of me, so I didn’t think he was going to try to turn me into a wood nymph. Maybe I would be a lumberjack, too? I could live with that.

Entering the powder room, I saw a tan shirt on a hanger, with a glimpse of what looked like matching shorts behind. I felt relieved. Not too bad. There was a hat and a sash of some sort that looked familiar on the vanity. It looked like…….some sort of scout uniform. I picked up the sash, noticed the merit badges, and I was relieved I was right. “I get it,” I thought. “Woods….scouts….camping.” I could live with this.

Relieved, I stripped to my briefs ( Dion had insisted I wear briefs or nothing….”Absolutely no boxers or boxer briefs,” he had warned). My relief ended when I put on the shirt. I took it off again and looked at the tag. Medium. I knew I had told him Large was the right size.

Shrugging, I put it on and started buttoning it. It fit, kind of, but it was extremely tight. I went to fasten a few more buttons and realized half of them had been removed. Fearing the worst, I reached for the shorts and looked at the tag. Yep, they were a size too small as well.

Someone banged on the door.

“Darling,” Dion called. “Hurry up. I can’t wait to see it on you.”

“I can’t wear these shorts. They’re too small.”

“Have you tried them yet,” he called through the door.

“My god,” I said, examining them. “This must be a 3 inch inseam. My ass will be hanging out.”

“That’s why I told you no boxers darling. I didn’t want extra fabric ruining the line.”

I struggled to put on and fasten the shorts. “I can hardly zip these. I can’t breathe.”

“If you can still breathe, darling, they’re not tight enough. Open up.”

I looked in the mirror at my skintight booty shorts and half open top. Even with the hat, sash, and kerchief, I looked like some kind of whore. Not figuratively, literally. I looked an actual male prostitute, and not a particularly expensive one. Luckily, I had been working out regularly so I admitted my body looked pretty good, and the tan definitely helped, but there was no way I could wear this in public.

More banging. “Open up, Darling.”

“No.”

Before I could do anything else, I heard a scratching at the door, and it was flung open. Dion was standing there holding a hair pin. Kelly, in a scout costume that was even more scandalously short and tight than mine was standing behind him laughing.

“Darling,” Dion exclaimed. “You look fantastic. A sexy scoutmaster for our woodland theme. And here,” he gestured to Kelly, his draperies fluttering dramatically “is your sexy little cub scout.”

“It’s missing buttons.”

“Of course it is. If I had left them on, you would have used them, and it would be a shame to hide that nice, hairy chest of yours. Especially with that savage tan.”

“The shorts are a size too small.”

“They have spandex in them. They’ll stretch.”

“I can not wear this in public.”

“Of course you can, darling,” Dion said. “Now go to the kitchen and pour yourself some liquid courage while Momma puts her face on.”

Five shots of bourbon and an Uber ride later, I found myself in a gay bar in the Quarter. Dion’s full costume (the headpiece was so large the driver had to strap it to the roof) was impressive. Eric was joining us later after he got off work. Dion had shown me pic of Eric’s costume; I didn’t know you could buy sequined plaid.

I had to admit my concerns about my costume’s indecency weren’t entirely warranted. Some of the outfits the other guys were wearing made me look like a Mormon missionary. Between the bourbon, the buzz of the Quarter, and the loud music, I was having fun and almost forgot about the acres of bare leg and chest I was sporting until a draft would sweep through.

Kelly was at the bar getting another round when Dion grabbed my arm. “It’s time for you to be on official fake boyfriend duty. And make it look good.”

I glanced toward Kelly and the bar, but no one seemed to be bothering him. I looked at Dion in confusion. He followed my eyes and said, “Not there.”

He darted his eyes to the left. “Turn slowly. See the pirate and the slutty cabin boy?”

“Yes.”

“The pirate is Del and slutty cabin boy is Brad, the little homewrecker.”

“That’s Kelly ex?”

“Bingo.”

Light dawned. “And you knew he’d be here?”

“I knew it was a possibility.”

“And does that have something to do with the reason I’m dressed like a man whore? Part of my Official Fake Boyfriend duties?”

“Right again. If Del was here with his side piece, I needed to make sure Kelly showed up looking like sex on two legs and had a piece of hot daddy ass with him. If I didn’t do that, what kind of friend would I be? ”

“Does Kelly know?”

“Not yet. I didn’t want to spoil the night if the asshole didn’t actually come.”

Kelly stepped up to the table with our drinks. Right as he set them down he gasped, and I knew he had seen Del and Brad.

“Is that….?” he asked.

“Yes, darling,” Dion said. “But don’t worry you’re not alone. You have your best friend and your official fake boyfriend here.” Suddenly, he hissed at me, “He’s coming this way.” I didn’t react fast enough for Dion; a foot connected with my shin, and I remembered my duties as fake boyfriend.

Grabbing Kelly’s face with both hands, I pulled him into a kiss. It had been long time since I had kissed anyone, but I knew I had never tasted sweeter lips. His mouth had opened in surprise, and overcome by the temptation and the bourbon, I swept my tongue into it. I vaguely felt his arms wrap around my waist as the kiss deepened, and he responded with increasing enthusiasm. I don’t know how much time had passed before I became aware of Dion loudly clearing his throat, and I pulled away from Kelly.

Kelly was flushed, and his lips slightly swollen. My own chest was heaving, and I felt hot. “Well, gentlemen,” Dion said, with a smug look on his face. “That was some exhibition y’all put on. Simply scandalous. I can tell you that Captain Del noticed it, and did not seem happy. In fact he took his little whore and left. Mission accomplished.” He raised his glass in a toast, Kelly and I clinked ours to Dion’s, repeating “Mission accomplished.”

I tried to focus. I talked, i drank, I laughed. I even danced a bit. But all I could think about was kissing Kelly. I had never kissed a guy before, only girls, and not many of them. But it had never felt like that. Not even with Cathy. Not even when I was head over heels for her. I had never felt so confused before. What the hell?

Eric finally joined us, and though we went through the motions, the night seemed off. I know for me, and it seemed Kelly, it never recovered its momentum after spotting Del and Brad.

At midnight, Kelly and I left the other two still reveling in the Quarter and headed back to our shared house. As we walked to our separate doors, he turned to me.

“Look...if you don’t mind. Can I come over for a bit? I don’t really want to be alone right now.”

I wasn’t certain I wanted to be with him right then, but i couldn’t refuse him. Not with that sad look on his face. “Sure.”

“Let me get out of this stupid outfit, and I’ll be right over. I just bought some Maker’s Mark. Should I bring it?”

Oblivion sounded like a good plan. “Sure.”

I followed his lead, and was in pajama pants and a tee by the time he walked in. I was plugging my phone into the stereo, searching through my Pandora list. “Anything in particular you want to listen too?”

“Something sad.”

“Eva Cassidy channel okay?”

“I’m not familiar with her. Will it be sad?”

“I can say with complete certainty and fore knowledge that the Eva Cassidy channel will be full of sad songs.”

“Good.”

We settled into the couch with our bourbons. I was sitting in one corner with my feet up on the ottoman Kelly had picked out instead of a cocktail table. He settled with his legs in front of him and his back leaning against my shoulder.

We sat in silence for a bit, listening to the music and thinking. He spoke first.

“I’ve never really talked about Del. I hate to because it makes me feel stupid.”

I opened my mouth to speak, to tell him he was anything but stupid, but he sensed what I was doing.

“Don’t say anything. Just listen.” He started talking again. I knew parts of his story, but I didn’t interrupt. I let him talk.

“I met Del during my senior year of school. I was looking for Prince Charming, and I thought he was it. He was a bit older, not a lot...8 years, but he was a doctoral student and he seemed so mature, so settled. Not like the boys I had dated.”

“Before Del, Dion and I had big plans. We were going to move to New York together and set the design world on fire, but after I met Del…...I didn’t want to go. I used to…...I don’t know, blame him I didn’t go with Dion, but, if I'm honest, I was scared of going. Scared New York was too much. Scared I’d fail.” He paused and sipped his drink before continuing.

“Anyway, after I graduated I stayed in Ruston. Dion never blamed me. Never said…’hey you promised me first,’ he just told me that if Del was what I wanted, I should go for it. I sometimes wonder if I had gone to NYC what would have happened. If Dion would have stayed. If we would have set the world on fire.”

“But I didn’t to New York. I stayed in Ruston and got a job at the furniture store. But it was okay. I worked, paid my bills and came home to Del. And when he finished his dissertation, I thought we’d head out in the world then. But Tech offered him a job and he wanted to stay. I don’t blame him. His family was relatively close in Dallas, the money was okay, and he liked being a big fish in a little pond. And I thought we loved each other.”

“And then 7 years in, he decided to trade me in for a younger model. I thought it was the 7 year itch, and that was bad enough….” he started crying, and I shifted my arm so that his face was on my chest and my arm was around him.

Through his tears he continued, “ And then I found out, it was worse than that. He had never been faithful. Brad was just the last one. He had been fucking around since the beginning. I had never been enough. He didn’t change his mind. I had always been not enough for him.” At this point, Kelly buried his face in my lap and sobbed.

I didn’t know what to do so I made shushing noises and smoothed his hair until his sobs slowed.

I don’t know exactly why I decided to tell him. I guess misery loves company. Maybe to make him see that everybody has sorrow.

“I was a classic nerd growing up. I liked reading biographies of scientists, and I actually liked math homework. I was the kid who got excited about science fair. I was awful at sports, sunburned within 5 minutes, and couldn’t talk to girls without stuttering.

My brother was the exact opposite. He didn’t have an awkward phase. He was good looking, athletic, and a gifted musician from the beginning. He wasn’t too good at school, but nobody but parents cared about that. He’s a year younger than me, but I was the one in his shadow.

I didn’t really mind, though, cause he was a good brother. We had fun together. When we got to high school, it changed some. He went off to parties and was always too busy with sports or band practice to hang out, but he was always nice to me. I was the big brother, but he was the one I looked up to. I wanted to be like him, but I didn’t have it in me.

He took me to parties and tried to help me talk to girls, but they always just wanted to be friends. And they usually wanted to talk to me about how to date my brother. Eventually, I gave up.

I decided to focus on school. I decided life would be different in college. I’d start over. I knew he wasn’t planning to go, he was going to try to make it in the music business. Finally I’d be somewhere I wasn’t David Hopper’s brother.

So i went to college, but it wasn’t that different. I still didn’t fit in. And then, senior year I met a girl. I guess there is something about senior year. Her name was Cathy. She was a freshman, and she was the first girl who treated me like i was special. The only girl who ever looked at me like the other girls used to look at David.

We got engaged pretty quickly, but decided to hold off getting married until she graduated. I got several really good job offers, but I turned them down to take the job in Shreveport so i could be close. So I could drive in every weekend she was free. I lived in a shitty apartment with a roommate and drove the car I got when I was 16 so i could save every cent. I wanted to have a down payment on a house by the time we got married.

We got married, we bought the house, and we were happy. But she wanted a baby right away. I did, too. That’s what I wanted: a house, somebody who loved me, and children. But it wasn’t working. Her sister had 3 by the time she was 20, and Cathy had 4 siblings, so she thought I was the problem. And she was right.

We met with doctors, and there were options, but they were expensive. I had a good job and she was teaching, but with the mortgage, her student loan debts, and everything, we didn’t have a lot to spare. Plus, we wanted a nest egg when the baby came.

That’s when i was offered the job in Iraq. It meant I would be away for most of the next two years, but it paid almost twice what I was making. We decided this was the answer. She didn’t want to live alone, so we’d rent the house in Shreveport, and she would move in with my parents. They loved her; she loved them. Her own were pretty rough, so she adopted mine.

Sacrificing two years for everything I wanted; for a family of my own…..it seemed like a bargain.

So I took it. I didn’t go through the things the soldiers did, but it was hell. The only thing that got me through was knowing Cathy was waiting. And our dreams.

So I made it through, and I made it home. And when I got there, I found out she had fallen in love with someone else.”

I realized I was crying. I wasn’t sobbing like Kelly had done, but tears were streaming. I’m not sure when, but Kelly had sat up, and was cradling my head to his chest.

“And of course….who was it? Who was the new man. David. Of course, like every other girl, she fell for my brother. And even better, she was pregnant.”

“Oh my god,” Kelly said softly, stroking my hair.

“Yeah,” I said, pulling away and wiping my tears with the heels of my hands. “So she’s pregnant and wants a divorce. So while I’m away risking my life for us, she’s fucking my brother. My brother who didn’t go to college and never got a real job. Who at almost 30 was still trying to make his band happen. And her reward for betraying me? She gets the baby she wanted, she gets the house I bought, and most of the money I risked my life for. She and David also got my parents in the divorce.”

“What do you mean?” Kelly asked. “They were just here.”

“I mean….Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer vacation….Mom and Dad want to be with the grandkids, I can’t blame them for that. Cathy and David ended up moving to Monroe so they could be closer to my parents. I couldn’t take that. I can’t sit down at Thanksgiving dinner and eat turkey across the table from the people who ripped my heart out. To see the kids I can never have.”

At that point, the tears did turn to sobs. Huge, loud, snotty sobs louder than Kelly’s had been. It’s the first time in 10 years I had let the grief out, and it washed over me. I threw myself at him, and wrapped him arms around his waist as tight as I could as I cried into his chest. I could feel his arms resting around me as he rocked me gently back and forth.

We stayed that way for a bit, then Kelly shifted until I moved. He stood up and reached his hand for me. I grabbed his hand and let him pull me to a standing position. Mimicking my actions of earlier, he put his hands on my face and pulled me into a kiss.

He pulled back after a bit, and I could feel, more than see, his eyes searching my face in the dim light. He said nothing, but took my hand, and led me to the bedroom.

Daylight streaming in woke me. I looked at Kelly sleeping beside me. It had been long time since I had woken up with another person beside. And it had only been one other person, ever…..Cathy.

Cathy had been my first and only. With no other basis of comparison, I had thought that what I had felt with her was what other people in relationships felt. That what I felt was love. Making love to her had been pleasant, especially the intimacy I felt, but I could never understand why other people acted like sex was the most important thing ever. I could never understand why people thought my voluntary celibacy was such a big deal. Now I knew.

Kelly and I hadn’t progressed much past second base last night, and without talking about it, I knew that the night had been more about friends offering comfort than romance, but…….oh my god…..now I knew what had been missing in my relationship with Cathy, with the handful of other girls I had kissed and taken out. It was like the first time I tasted pizza in Naples and realized that all those I had eaten from chains were nothing but pale imitations. Kissing Kelly, holding him…...it had felt right. So right. I now knew what I had been missing. And now I was petrified.

I sat up, trying not to wake him, but I did anyway. He groaned, stretching, his eyes still shut. Eventually, he opened them, and turned to look at me with a shy smile. “Good morning,” he said.

I didn’t know what to say. I’d never had a morning after. I couldn’t even get out an answering “good morning.”

“I’m sorry about unloading all that on you last night,” was all I could manage.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, the small smile still on his tired face. “Stay there, I’ll make some coffee.”

I was still sitting there leaning against the headboard staring into space when he came back with the coffee. I took an appreciative sip.

“You know,” he said. “After hearing your story, I can appreciate you wanting to go your own way...but I have an idea. We’re friends, right?....we are still friends?”

“Of course. In fact…...you’re my best friend. Probably the best one I ever had,” I answered honestly.

Another smile lit his face; this one was almost back to normal wattage. “Then I have a proposal. Why don’t you and I go our own way together for a bit. You don’t have do this alone, you know.”

“Do what alone?” My head was foggy from the crying and the lack of sleep and my confusion over my night with Kelly.

“Life, you idiot,” he laughed ruefully. “Cause whether you know it or not, you’ve got a posse with you now. I know things are little weird with your parents, but they love you. And now you’ve got me in your corner, and Dion, too, heaven help you. Even Eric. Like it or not, buddy, you’re not alone anymore.”