Go Your Own Way - 5. Chapter 5

Go Your Own Way

Chapter 5

The morning after Kelly and my mutual breakdowns, I was …….you know what I’ll admit it. I was afraid. I was afraid about what my feelings about the physical attraction meant, I was afraid what would happen to a friendship that meant so much to me. I was afraid of what would happen to my emotions after letting what I had kept bottled in so long, and I was afraid of betrayal from the people that I had let in. After all, two of the handful people I had trusted before had betrayed him.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid of finding out I was probably gay, or at least bi. I was almost 40, financially independent, voluntarily estranged from most of my family, and living in one of the gay friendliest cities in the U.S. So if I was gay (or bi or whatever), so be it, but I didn’t want to be gay with a boyfriend. I didn’t want to be gay with someone who had the power to hurt me.

So, I withdrew. I refused the invitation from Dion for brunch that morning. I refused the next few dinner invitations from Kelly. I used work, such an easy excuse, as my reason. And I did indeed throw myself into work. Anything to avoid my apartment. Anything to avoid the hurt looks on Kelly’s face when I refused him yet again.

I even started calling headhunters, passing on my resume and inquiring about positions abroad. I started to think that moving here and putting down roots had been the stupidest idea I’d had in a lifetime of stupid ideas.

Luckily, Kelly was planning on spending even more time in the Shreveport area as the wedding approached. After hearing about his history with Del, I pitied him for the close contact he was sure to have with his ex during the nuptials, but I knew Dion was planning to be there for the wedding weekend, and I had no doubt who would emerge victorious if Del and Dion locked horns.

By the Thursday evening before the big wedding, I had managed to crawl far enough back into my protective covering, that the knock on my door startled me. It startled me enough that I dropped the glass of wine I was holding. I knew Kelly had left for North Louisiana several days ago and couldn’t imagine who else it could be.

I went to the door and opened it, irritated.

“Dion?” I said. I was startled, partly because I wasn’t expecting him and party because I had never seen him look anything but immaculate, and he looked horrible, drawn and wearing a collection of clothing that had been chosen completely at random.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure. What’s wrong?”

“It’s my dad. He’s had a stroke. I’m about to head home to New Roads. But I need a favor. There’s no way I can make it to the wedding. I need you to take my place with Kelly.”

Fear shot through me. I couldn’t do this. “I’m sorry, I’m not going to be able to do that.” There was a long pause; I began to fidget as Dion stared at me, his drawn features settling into a look of disdain.

“You know, “ Dion said smoothly. “This is my fault. I made this sound like a request, instead of the direct order it is.”

His voice turned to ice, and I felt the full force of his anger as he spoke again, “Normally, I’d be happy to allow you all the time and space in the world to work through your little, triffling ‘am i heterosexual/bisexual/trisexual/pansexual/demisexual/asexual/whatever-the-fuck-you-are-sexual existential bullshit’, but this is an emergency. Kelly needs you. Because he has to spend the next three days in the presence of the man who broke his heart and the tramp who replaced him. He’s willing to do that because his friend asked for his help. And Kelly is not the kind of guy to let down his friends. And he is, and I repeat this because you don’t seem to be understanding things lately, he is not going to do this alone. Do you understand me?”

“I understand,” I said.

“Excellent. Now you and I both know, even if you are too much of a pathetic, sniveling coward to admit it, that you are head over heels in love with that boy. However, if you need to keep up the pretense that he’s “just a bro I need to help out,” I don’t give two shits, as long as you’re keeping up that pretense standing beside him in that tacky Bed and Breakfast in the wilds of north Louisiana.

So let me tell you what you are going to do. You are going to go pack your bags so you can drive your sorry, wrinkled ass to North Louisiana to help your friend out. Then you’re going to call whoever has the dick you need to suck to take tomorrow off and tell them that you have an emergency and won’t be coming in. If I need to suck the dick for you…..fine, let me know, and I’ll put sucking that dick at the very top of my to-do list. Then, tomorrow morning, you’re leaving at the crack of dawn so you can get to the inn before Del arrives.”

He continued, “Any questions?” At my silence, he continued, “Good. Because I don’t know exactly what crawled up your ass since Halloween, but you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. We do have an understanding, correct?” I nodded.

“Excellent. Here are the details.” He handed me manilla envelope. “And just to be completely sure, you realize if I find out you didn’t show up, I will break my foot off in your ass?”

Again I nodded. He turned and strode to the door. Wordlessly I followed. When he reached it, instead of opening, he turned, and the look on his face had turned from condescension to compassion.

“Look, Joseph, I know I just read you for filth, but I do like you. I know you care about Kelly, and Kelly….he loves you. More than I think he understands. I have a pretty good idea what’s happening with you two. You’re scared, and I get that. I don’t blame you, all this can be very confusing and very frightening. But let me give you some advice, darling: you’ve got a real chance at happiness here. You’re already halfway through your life; you don’t have the time left to waste this kind of chance. Don’t fuck this up.”

And then he was gone.

Chastised and ashamed of my behavior, I did as instructed. Opening the envelope, I found that Dion, not known for leaving things to chance, had even told me exactly what clothes to pack. I wasn’t surprised to find out that he knew my wardrobe better than I did.

Getting Friday and the rest of the weekend off wasn’t a problem; I sent a quick email to Frank, and it was done.

A restless night, a quick shower, and I was off the next morning by six. I put the top down; though it was November, it wasn’t cold, and the wind seemed to help me think. Dion was right, I was scared.

I had been scared of loving Kelly. Just thinking the word ‘loving’ gave me a twinge, but I didn’t want to run from my thoughts anymore. Now after talking to Dion, I had a different fear. I had the fear of missing the chance to love Kelly...to really love him. I know I had come close to completely blowing it. Dion seemed to think Kelly had romantic feelings for me. I hoped he was right.

It seemed strange to get to almost 40 without even an inkling I was gay or bi or whatever, but when I thought about it, it’s not like I had ever considered the option. I had definitely spent the last decade trying to turn myself into a sexless robot.

It didn’t really matter; whatever I was, though. Whatever my correct label, I was….I might as well admit it….in love with Kelly. In love in a way I hadn’t been with Cathy. In fact, now that I knew what love was, I realized I had never really loved her; I had loved the idea of her more than the actual woman.

With that realization, I started to understand what she had found lacking. Why she had looked for love in someone else. I still wasn’t ready to forgive David or her, but I could try to understand them. And, to be fair, it had been more than a fling; they were still together and had a another child. In fact, after the birth of their first child, Alicia, David had given up the band, settling down in a steady job. I knew, through Mom, that he while still played the occasional gig at weddings, proms, and parties, he focused on his day job and his family.

With the thoughts churning, it felt like I was there in no time. The house was a three story mansion built around 1880. Three stories with an assortment of turrets, bay windows, and wings, it was painted white and had a two story porch that spanned the front and the left side of the building.

Activity bustled around the house. A crew was erecting a tent to the side of the house, and I could see smoke billowing from a huge barbecue trailer. From Dion’s itinerary, I knew that most of the wedding party, along with Kelly, was staying at the B&B through the weekend and that the rehearsal dinner was going to be here, hence the barbecue.

I parked in the gravel lot beside the house and grabbed my duffle, preparing to go look for Kelly. I heard someone shout my name, and saw him running toward him. I dropped my bag and braced for impact as he hurled himself into my embrace.

“Joseph! I am so glad you came. Dion told me he was going to ask you, but I figured you couldn’t get off with such short notice.”

I pulled back enough to be able to look into his face. “Let’s just say Dion is very persuasive. But I’m really glad I came.” And I gave into impulse and kissed him. It was very light, just the touch of my lips to his, nothing like the passion of Halloween. When I pulled away again, he was blushing, but with a small smile. His eyes searched mine for a minute, and he must have been satisfied with what he saw because his smile widened.

He pulled out of the embrace and took my hand. “Come on. I’ll show you to our room.”

As we walked, I asked him if he had heard anything about Dion’s father. “It’s early, yet,” he said. “But luckily his stepmother was with his dad when it happened, so he got immediate assistance. The doctors are cautiously optimistic about his prognosis. It’ll take some time, but they think he’ll make close to a full recovery.”

“Thank goodness.”

Inside the house was a hive of activity as I followed Kelly up the elaborate staircase to the second floor. The staircase ended in a wide center hall that reached from the front of the house to the back. The walls were natural cypress and hung with an assortment of gilded mirrors and Victorian prints. Velvet upholstered rosewood furniture cluttered the hall; doilies, dried flower arrangements, and china ornaments covered every flat surface.

Kelly noticed my involuntary grimace. “You think this is bad? Wait until you see our room.” He led me to a door near the rear and threw it open.

“Jesus,” I exclaimed. “Dolls. It had to be dolls.”

“I put the worst ones in the armoire. I was afraid they were going to steal my soul last night.”

“Don’t worry. I’m here to protect you now.” I meant it as a joke, but even I heard that it didn’t come out that way. His eyes took on the same searching, questioning look as earlier, but he said nothing. Someone on the stairs shouted his name, he turned to leave. I grabbed his arm; it was like someone else was in control of my body.

“Kelly...I know this isn’t the right time, but I don’t want to wait any longer,” I said and pushed him against the door. I pounced on him, pressing my mouth to his, pressing my body against him.

“Kelly!!!” the woman’s voice was louder and closer. I stepped back so Kelly could move.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I need to go.” But before he opened the door, he leaned forward and kissed me. When he pulled away, his smile was so bright, it almost blinded me.

Kelly wasn’t in the wedding party; Erin was very close to her two sisters, so they were her bridesmaids. Besides, as Kelly had told me before, Del was Todd’s best man, and he had no desire to stand at the altar across from his ex. While Kelly wasn’t in the wedding itself, he was orchestrating the event. As Erin proudly told everyone who complimented her, it was all Kelly’s doing.

The day passed in a blur. Kelly flew from what seemed like potential disaster to potential disaster prepping for tomorrow’s wedding and tonight’s rehearsal dinner. I pitched in where I could; setting up tables,moving chairs, hanging lights, etc. But when the sun when down and the lights went up in the tent on Friday night for the rehearsal dinner, it all seemed worth it.

After the rehearsal of the services, we ate barbecue and homemade ice cream and drank beer. And best of all, I danced with Kelly in my arms under the stars as Eric Clapton sang “Wonderful Tonight.” He nestled his head against my chest, periodically raising it to smile at me so brightly that my chest ached with the wonder of it all.

Kelly and I both were exhausted by the end of the long day, so we collapsed on our respective beds once we got to the room. We were to tired to do anything but kiss goodnight. I knew we would have to talk at some point, but right now, words didn’t seem to be necessary. It was like we knew what each other was feeling.

Saturday morning brought another round of activity, with the florists arriving bright and early. The wedding was going to be on the porch and front steps, so the florists concentrated on the exterior, hanging swags of greenery and flowers on the porch, setting up an arch spanning the brick pathway which was being lined with lanterns.

I spent most of the day with a book trying to stay out of the way with only partial success. Every time I looked up, I found Del glaring at me. His twink, mercifully, spent most the day glued to his phone.

The ceremony was at twilight. Erin looked gorgeous in her creamy gown; Todd was movie star handsome in his tux. Everything was beautiful. But what really struck me were the words of the ceremony itself. I had heard them before, many times. I had even repeated them. But tonight, it was like hearing them for the first time.

For richer, for poorer

In sickness and in health

Forsaking all others

As long as we both shall live

I had sworn I would never say them again. That I would never let myself love again. But as I listened to them, I looked at Kelly, so handsome in his waistcoat and bow tie. After sending everyone down the aisle, he had come to stand by me. I reached over and took his hand. He looked at our joined hands, then me, and smiled. One day, I wanted to say those words to him.

Later, full of canapes and champagne, I danced with him again. Tonight there was a live band, and they were good. Good enough I felt let down when they took a break and the dj took over. Kelly and I took the opportunity to grab another drink and were on the way to the bar when I heard some call my name.

“Joseph?”

I turned, knowing who it was before I made it all the way around. It was David. He was wearing the band uniform of all black. The years hadn’t been cruel to him exactly, but his swagger and cockiness were gone.

“David. This is a surprise.”

“Yeah. I thought you were in New Orleans.”

“I am. I came with my friend….” I paused. Kelly was so much more than a friend. I turned to look at Kelly. “Actually, he’s …….my boyfriend?” I raised questioning brows at Kelly, who nodded as one of his amazing smiles split his handsome face. “Kelly, this is my brother, David. David, this is Kelly Rawls.”

David’s face had shown his surprise when I announced Kelly as my boyfriend, but to his credit he said and did nothing but politely shake Kelly’s proffered hand.

“Why don’t I go get our drinks while you two talk,” Kelly said. “Nice to meet you, David.”

“Likewise,” David replied. As soon as Kelly left, he turned to me with a puzzled look. “You’re gay, now?”

“I….I...it’s complicated...but maybe….I guess….. Does it matter?”

“No, not really. Does he make you happy?”

“Yes, yes he does.”

“Then that’s what matters. You look good.”

“Thanks.”

“Look…..Joey….I’m so sorry….I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry.”

“Me, too.”

The music cut off, and there was the sound of a guitar tuning.

“Shit…” David said. “I got to get back up there...maybe…. We could talk sometime.”

“I’m staying here tonight. If you don’t have to leave right away… “

David smiled, and I could see the boy he used to be. “That would be great.”

Right after he left, Kelly was back. He looked at me with concern. “Are you okay?”

I smiled and kissed him. “I am better than okay.” I knocked back the champagne in one gulp, then grabbed his hand and pulled him to the dance floor. “Let’s dance.”