Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 25. Entry 25

Sunday

“How is it Billy and I keep missing each other? We’re either physically missing each other at school and with phone calls and such or we’re missing each other’s feelings for one another. Somehow, we just can’t seem to meet in the middle.

How can we cross this bridge and find each other?”

I read what I wrote here over and over again last night and it got me to wondering. Billy was so distant with me on Friday…did I really make him mad at me? I mean, I really dropped the ball the Wednesday before last when I didn’t go over to his place after saying that ‘maybe’ I would.

I know why I’m playing hard to get. Between Chandler’s advice and my own misgivings about the whole ‘Gay’ thing, I’ve made myself virtually impossible to connect with. Is it any wonder Billy is backing off?

Maybe, I’ve overplayed my hand here…

Then, last night, bad luck had it so that I just wasn’t there to get his call. Is Cupid playing games with us or what?

We’re…drifting apart!

Since, I felt that was the case, I went ahead and chanced calling him. I braved the possibility that his Mom might come on and chase me off because she’s still playing Prison Warden to poor Billy.

As it turned out, Billy answered himself! It was so nice hearing that chirpy little voice of his. He’s so adorable! Every time I hear him, my heart just starts to race! I’ve just got to get over myself and make the leap of faith with Billy! When we talk it’s like a circuit connects and there’s this energy, you know? This wonderful thrill that goes through me and that’s when my tongue stops working and my brain goes completely blank!

I stumbled through some ‘hellos’ and ‘how are yous’ and ‘I’m fines’ - all of which were very uncomfortable thanks to my blank pea brain and my stupid tongue that wouldn’t work right. The butterflies in my stomach didn’t help either.

Finally, I just got down to it: “Can we talk for a sec, Billy?”

Billy paused for that second, obviously thinking that was a silly question since we were already talking, but then he humored me, “Sure. What about?”

After a pause from me trying to get my scrambled egg thoughts in order, I asked the question, “Are you mad at me?” I expected him to deny it. I mean, that would be the ‘nice’ thing to do even when you are mad at someone. At least someone you might think of as a…stranger.

He answered as expected, but then asked, “No. Why would I be mad at you?” It sounded genuinely confused. I had to figure he honestly didn’t know what I was talking about.

For that matter, I didn’t really know what I as talking about either, so how could he?

I persisted, though, “It's ok if you're mad at me. I mean, you'd tell me right?”

I really wanted him to understand that I understood that my ditching him that Wednesday was stupid beyond words and completely cowardly. I also wanted to make sure that Billy could tell me the truth about his feelings and not just feel like he had to be ‘nice’ to me.

“I promise, I'm not mad.” Billy said with, what sounded like, a little irritation in his voice. I thought that was just great! If he wasn’t mad before then I was making him mad with all my dithering!

I collected myself to try and ask the question I really wanted to ask. I felt the distance widening between us and I’ve taken note of the fact that our conversations have lately become pretty superficial. Talking about Billy’s fight only pointed up this fact. He wasn’t letting me in like he had been before. He wasn’t…talking to me with the same closeness as he had before. We weren’t really ‘talking’ at all to each other anymore. Not in any meaningful way, anyway.

So, I asked him, “So why don't you talk to me anymore?”

He’s like, “WHAT? I talk to you all the time!”

I didn’t think he was getting it, so I tried to make myself clearer, “Not like before. Did I do something wrong?”

But, he kept trying to defend himself and missing what I was really after. That was mostly my fault. I don’t think I had the courage to ask what I really wanted to ask at that moment. I wanted to know if he was getting tired of me. If…he didn’t feel the same way anymore. I know I’ve been tiresome…I just didn’t want him to give up on me completely. I didn’t want him to stop…thinking about me! I didn’t want him to stop thinking about the possibility of there being an ‘us’.

Then, Billy seemed to talk right to my heart as if knowing my problem all along, “Brandon....I think about you all the time. I never stop. I mean...I wanted to tell you that, but you were acting like you didn't wanna hear it.”

The last part surprised me. Was I really acting that closed? Was my vacancy sign not shining like I thought it was? Were all my hints about how much I love Billy not getting through? Obviously not! But, then again, was the fact of my signaling him clearly more a fantasy on my part than something really happening? I’ve been so confused and so conflicted about my feelings for Billy! Is it any wonder that my signals have been too mixed up to be read by anyone even halfway sane? Maybe, it is a tribute to how Billy really feels for me that he’s stuck with me this long. Anyone else would have been ‘arrivaderci’ a long time ago!

Of course I wanted to hear anything Billy had to think about me or that he was thinking about me at all and I told him as much. I just…

“I just don't want you to stop thinking about me, ok? I mean, I'm trying to...make things...better. But...I'm not sure if I....can you give me some more time?” I totally sputtered as YES/NO STOP/GO DO IT/DON’T DO IT all flashed red and green in my mind all at once! I wanted to tell him! I wanted to tell him right then…I couldn’t stand it if he stopped thinking about me! Don’t forget about me, Billy! Don’t let me go! Give me more time and I’ll come around! I…I want you to know how much I LOVE YOU! I want you to know I’ve LOVED YOU FROM THE START! From the first day I laid eyes on you I knew you were the One! The One And Only!

His response…silence! GRRRR! Silence…and I swear I heard a muffled giggle!

I was being serious here! Serious as a heart attack! Didn’t he get it? I…can’t yet! I’m just not ready! But, I’m getting there! I promise, Billy…I’m getting there and fast!

“I can tell you tomorrow at school if you want.” Billy promised. I was so lost in my thoughts so I didn’t quite know what he meant. Was he going to tell me he loved me too?

“Tell me what?” I asked stupidly.

“That I was thinking about you!” Billy said with the sweetest little giggle! It made an icy/warm shiver of excitement run up my spine! I swore he was going to tack on a ‘…silly’ onto the end of that sentence, but Billy is far to much of a ‘dude’ to do anything that Gay.

The shiver turned into a full-on blush and I think I was twisting my toe into the carpet as I was fiddling with a coin I found on the table in front of me. “You don't have to.” I said without meaning it at all. I think I was grinning like an idiot.

“I will. So get ready to prepare an answer for lunch time. Ok? Cause that's when I'll tell ya!” Billy said with, what’s the right word? Gusto? It tickled me along with this fizzy feeling I was getting all over like a billion little fingers tickling me from the inside.

The tickles made this light little giggle bubble up from inside. It came from a place of complete happiness that was shivering from inside my heart.

“Ok. I'll think of something good,” Billy said so softly that it was almost a whisper. Like he was breathing it into my ear. This made my shivers get even more out of control! No one on this planet can drive me as crazy as Billy can! No one!

Then…IT HAPPENED!

I tell you, I’m still numb from it! I’m still fucking numb! What word is there that can describe both fear and joy combining into one feeling? That also mixed with this complete shock!

“K...g'night, Brandon. I love you." Billy said to me! It was quick. It was, kind of, under his breath…but, he said it!

I LOVE YOU!

Then, you know what?

I said “You too.”

I did indeed!

I hung up right after that so I didn’t lose my nerve and try to explain it away! I wanted to leave it there! I wanted Billy to know the TRUTH! He let me know his truth…I wanted him to know mine!

He loves me!

He…loves me!

This is Brandon crying tears of joy!