Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 26. Entry 26

Monday

Well, Billy kept his promise today.

The first thing he said to me was, “I was totally thinking about you last night,” and he was blushing about it when he said it! That got me blushing too, of course. I could feel the heat of it hit my cheeks and my smile spread out on my face into what must have been a psychotic grin. It made Billy smile too and that was the sunshine for my otherwise gloomy day.

I got a C on that science project I did with Stevie a week or so ago. We worked hard on it, but I guess that wasn’t enough for the stupid teacher. We’d ‘missed the point’ somehow. I think he just hasn’t been ‘getting any’! That’s what I think! He’s become a grouch!

Anyway, my Dad’s not going to like what that will do to my grade for the class and thus my grade point average. I sometimes wish he’d lay off. These teachers here aren’t always going to cooperate and do things fairly and that’s going to make things go badly for my grades from time to time. I mean…’miss the point’? What does that even mean? It’s science for fuck sake! The ‘point’ is whatever the book says is the point and that’s what we were following!

I got the teacher to make up some extra-credit project for me to complete. I can do it alone so maybe I can focus on it without having Stevie there to distract me. He’s becoming more of a distraction for me lately, to be honest. Something is growing between us. Maybe a closer friendship? I don’t know what it is. We made plans to hang out with Benji this weekend. I may not be able to do that now that I have this science thing I have to, basically, make up for my ‘failure’ from the previous project. That’s disappointing me more than it would normally. Maybe, I just need a break from school. It’s been very demanding lately. I’m going to miss spending time with Stevie! I don’t know what that means, really.

So, back to Billy, because I much rather think about him than science projects or even Stevie. We spent lunch really talking about things. Mostly about feelings. I didn’t bring up the ‘I love you’ deal, however. I didn’t want to embarrass or scare Billy off with that one. It might have just been a slip of the lip. I hope it wasn’t, because it fills me with such joy! Such hope! A joy I didn’t think I was capable of anymore!

We spoke, instead, about the meaning of love for each of us. What it means for us. What’s interesting is that we seem to be looking for the same exact thing! He’s looking for someone who can understand him inside. He has a secret part of himself that he so needs to share with someone else who can appreciate it. He would love it if the person he shares this secret part of his life would trust him enough to share their secret life with him too!

It was, probably, the most well-put way of stepping out of the closet that I’ve ever heard! He admitted to me that he has secret feelings in his heart for someone that he can only share with that special person. He didn’t name names, but, by the way he kept blushing and making little circles with his finger on the table, I guessed that he meant me!

He thinks of me. He wants someone special to share his special feelings with. He said he loved me…

What more could I want to reinforce the truth of his feelings for me? What further proof do I need?

He made it easy for me to return the thoughts in kind. I also long to share my heart with someone special who can share my own ‘special secret’.

That someone special is Billy…but I couldn’t go so far as to say that just yet. I don’t know why! He’s more than left the door open for me to walk in.

Except, if I do walk through that door then that would be it! My life would be changed forever! I’d have made my choice…and all the consequences it would bring!

Am I ready to make that next step?

Chandler told me that only I could answer that question. He called me tonight to check up on me. I told him about everything and he was, like, super excited about everything that was happening between Billy and me.

“He’s opened the door to that closet about as wide as I figure any fourteen to fifteen year old gay boy can in High School, Brandon. Now, it’s up to you! Will you walk through your closet door and into a bigger world? You have to make that decision for yourself on that one, kiddo. I’ll tell you, though. I’m living proof that this great big new world can be a wonderful place if you have the courage to face it. If you accept your truth and live by it, you’ll be better off no matter what other people might think. A person can’t lie to themselves forever. Your heart won’t let you.” He said.

I can’t say he made me feel any better about the pressure I am feeling to finally make that jump and just admit to myself and everyone else that I’m Gay and be done with it. If I can just face this dragon and overcome it, my treasure would be the greatest in the world! It would be Billy! Billy as my boyfriend! Sweet, adorable, beautiful Billy - mine at last!

But, time is wasting! I can’t leave Billy hanging on a hook forever. I’m going to have to do something and soon. I need to!

The pressure is building!

This is Brandon under pressure.

Tuesday

You know…I’m a complete doormat.

I just can’t say no to certain people and that includes Stevie. I was going to do this stupid extra-credit science project by myself this time, but Stevie insisted on helping. I was afraid he’d just distract me again with his goofiness and I’d mess up this opportunity to fix my grade!

But, have I ever told you that Stevie has the biggest blue puppy dog eyes on planet earth? I mean, when he stares at you with those things through his black bangs it’s so adorable that no one can possibly say no to him! It’s his super-power, I think. Mind control through cute blue eyes.

Yes…Stevie is cute and he has a tendency to grow on you if you’re not careful. He’s funny, honest to a fault, passionate about things, and he never gives up when he wants something. I’m no match for that kind of energy.

Like I said…doormat.

So, we’re set to work on this thing tonight and probably the rest of the week. With that and all the rest of my tons of homework I’ve got to do, I’m sure I’ll never see the light of day again. What’s worse is that became a problem with Billy.

I got to visit with him twice today. I really couldn’t help myself. I can’t seem to get enough of his sweet presence lately. I thought about him all last night. I’m sure I dreamt of him, though I don’t remember any of my dreams in particular. Ever since he said he loved me, this sweet ache I have inside for him just keeps growing and growing.

It’s physically painful how much I miss him sometimes.

I guess, I surprised him during our study hour because I found him in the library hunched over something he was scribbling down as fast as he could. I hid behind some bookcases just to watch him for a few minutes. He gets the most adorable expressions on his face when he’s concentrating on something. He even talks to himself, mouthing the words he’s going to write. It’s just so damned cute! It’s pure ‘awwww’ material!

It’s those little things about Billy that make me truly love him all the more. It isn’t just that he’s incredibly handsome, has a hot body, and the best personality of anyone I’ve ever met, it’s also these little things! Little things that show off that big beautiful personality even when he’s not aware of what he’s doing!

I finally came up to him because I couldn’t stand it anymore. He looked so surprised to see me, like pleasantly so. It was also like he couldn’t understand why I’d seek him out for a change. I admit, he usually is the one to find me…and he’s usually very good at it.

His big light brown eyes were all twinkly and his blond hair flopped down over them so that he had to brush it out of the way in this cute frustrated gesture. Then, I guess, it was my turn to be ‘cute’ because the dust in that damned library must have gotten to me and I started to sneeze.

For some reason, that made Billy giggle uncontrollably. It wasn’t a mean giggle, but a very affectionate one. I still don’t have any idea why my sneezing entertained him so much, but it did and…it made me happy somehow.

Looking at the clock, Billy got a sad look on his face and then turned to me asking if I wanted to come over this afternoon. There was nothing I could want more, but I had to say no for today. I put it as softly as I could, leaving the door open, “Um...sure. I can come over. But not today. K?” Again, my school stuff had to be my priority…but how I hated my teachers today for putting me in that kind of position! I hate having to refuse Billy anything! I’d love nothing more than to spend my time with him all afternoon, every afternoon for the rest of my life.

Then the little bastard tried to guilt me into it next, hehehe, “Why not? Come on...come over.”

The way his eye brows knitted up and his begging smile lit up his face was so adorable…and I am so in love…that I almost caved in completely! I was blushing and felt it and couldn’t help myself.

Billy was pleading with me just to have me come over to his house and be with him this afternoon! Just…to be with him for a little while would make my week, my month, my year!

But, I had to insist that I couldn’t this week. School had to come first or my Dad would be on me like stink on a garbage can.

So, we planned for this weekend. I supposed that he was finally off punishment. Maybe, his mean old mother saw the light and came to understand that Billy was seriously provoked into combat with that idiot Kyle and that Kyle got just what his stupid ass deserved!

After school, I met up with Stevie and we rode back to my place on our bikes. He was being as funny as usual and I hoped he wouldn’t distract me again like he did the first time around on this science project. I needed to ‘Get The Point’ this time or, at least, wait long enough for the teacher to ‘Get Some’ so he’d stop being such a dick about everything.

Stevie behaved himself and we made progress tonight. Maybe, I can get through this thing early and then have more time with Billy. Maybe, we can make that time quality time so that we can ‘Get Some’ for ourselves?

Here’s to hoping.

This is Brandon hoping he can ‘Get It’ this time…