Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 27. Entry 27

Thursday

Wow.

Talk about turning a complete 180!

Billy had the personality of a grouchy old man today. I knew something was bothering him and I tried to get him to talk about it, but he wouldn’t.

Whatever it was, it must have been really eating him up on the inside. It made me incredibly sad for him…and worried! I considered ditching my science extra-credit and going over to his house today after all to, hopefully, cheer him up or something.

But, I couldn’t. I have to straighten out my science grade or it will bring down my whole grade-point average. My Dad watches that like a hawk every time he gets progress reports from the school. He checks up on me and we have ‘talks’ about how I can improve my performance or for what I should be doing next to get ahead. I, sometimes, feel like a slave to grades and to my Dad’s high expectations. It can get really stressful! Sometimes…I just want to quit, you know? Just, turn into a juvenile delinquent or something. Whatever!

Anyway, Billy wasn’t talking so I never got to know what was eating him up today. I got some clues, though, from Stevie. It seems that Billy’s old buddy Sam got into a fight today. He wasn’t sure what it was all about, but Sam and the other guy roughed each other up pretty good, from the sounds of things! Maybe, the other guy said something about Sam’s girl Joanna? That could piss Sam off enough to risk suspension or even expulsion to ‘defend her honor’.

Part of me, the Evil Doctor Doom part, felt a sick sense of satisfaction at hearing that Sam had gotten beaten up a bit. After what he pulled with Billy, I really don’t like him at all very much! He hurt my Billy! That’s all I have to know to not like the guy. What kind of asshole betrays a life-long friend like that over some stuck-up, self-absorbed little bitch (trust me, she is)! Sam must have been letting his little head do all the thinking for him, that’s all I can figure. Billy was his best friend! They were practically brothers! I don’t have any brothers so I don’t know if it is true or not, but I can’t figure one brother would screw over another brother the way Sam did Billy over some girl.

Well, in other news, Stevie and I pretty much finished up the extra-credit assignment. I found out something a little sweet from Stevie: he helped me out just ‘because’! I thought he might be getting extra-credit too. Lord knows, he could use it! But, nope…he did it just ‘because’. What’s more, he really was a help this time. He kept the goofiness down to the bare minimum and came up with some ideas that were actually brilliant! I think that if Stevie would only apply himself more, he’d end up being the one with the highest GPA in our whole grade! But, he is completely against becoming a ‘good student’. Did you know, he actually fails tests on purpose just so that he won’t get anything above a C in his classes? I asked him, for heaven sake, why and he said something very strange…

“I’m not gonna buy into their bullshit!” was what he said.

I asked what he meant by that, but he just shrugged it off. I think Stevie is an authentic ‘Rebel Without A Cause’. It does go with his Emo image and all, but I can’t help but think he could really be shooting himself in the foot with that kind of ‘tude’. But, he figures as long as he can graduate High School he doesn’t have to ‘work toward someone else’s goal’.

That really made me rethink some things. I don’t, really, do my school stuff to please myself, you know? As you have probably figured out, I do it mostly to make my Dad happy and not worried. Since Mom died, I’ve tried very hard not to be too much of a burden on him. Doing well in school seems to bring him a lot of relief.

But, I sacrifice a lot of my life and time keeping up with his expectations. Is this something I’m doing for myself or for him? Dad insists that it is for my own good and for a better future for me. I don’t doubt that, but…can’t I have a future that doesn’t require me to give up my younger years now? Both Stevie and Billy are teaching me things too. Things, like, there’s more to life than just ‘work and excellence’.

It puts into question my decision this week to do this project rather than take the opportunity to be with Billy as much as possible. I mean, I think Billy and me are on the verge of something big and wonderful!

All that seems to be standing in my way is my Dad’s beliefs and expectations…not my own! I’m afraid of coming Out for fear of hurting my Dad. I’m afraid of failing at school for fear of hurting my Dad. I stick around the house a lot of weekends just so that I can be there for my Dad if he needs something.

Somehow, I think I’m getting lost in this shuffle! What do I want? What do I need? Do I have the right even to be asking anything for myself? My Dad works tirelessly to provide a home and a good life for us and, before Marilyn’s coming, he did it mostly by himself! He tries very hard not to burden me with his own grief over my Mom, but I wonder if his pushing me at school is just a way of dealing with his own fears and stuff. Does that not obligate me to do everything I can to help keep him ‘safe’ from my wants, desires, and problems?

He always tells me that I can come to him with anything and never to hesitate…but is that true? Especially with the Gay stuff!

I wish I knew how to do Stevie’s ‘Fuck it all. You do you’ routine, but I don’t know how. I’ve been ‘the good son’ for so long now that I don’t think I know any other way to be!

Maybe, I need to try harder with ‘doing me’? If I do, can I become more like Chandler who is chasing his own dreams and finding his own happiness?

I guess, all I can do is try.

Friday

Hehehe! Billy made me promise to come over tomorrow. It was almost a ‘pinky swear’ kind of thing.

I can’t tell you how…flattering it is for him to want my company that badly! I mean this is THE Billy Chase here! The One And Only!

I was going to ask him if it was really ok with his Mom that I come over or if he was pulling a ‘fast one’ on her. I didn’t ask, though. I guess that might be from my thoughts last night about me doing me. I want to come over to Billy’s house tomorrow and I don’t want to know about any problems or excuses that would get in the way of that happening. So, I kept my ‘conscience’ from asking the question.

I am going to Billy’s! That is all!

I can’t think of a better afternoon than one spent with him.

I hope that me coming over tomorrow can lighten his mood up, though. He was, like, glum today! I managed to turn the corners of his mouth up a couple of times, but not much more than that.

I wish he’d tell me what’s up with him! It worries me!

It has got to be more than Sam’s having a fight or whatever. I shouldn’t think that Billy would care that much about Sam to make him as down as he is.

Maybe, it’s the grounding. It might be taking its toll on him.

I don’t know because he won’t tell me anything!

It is so frustrating when you care about someone a lot and they won’t let you help when something is obviously wrong!

Maybe, we can talk tomorrow. We’ll be away from the prying ears at school and then maybe Billy can let go of some of those secrets of his.

Well, that frustration aside, I was happy to learn that Gym might actually becoming ‘fun’ again. Swimming starts up next week and I haven’t had a chance to do that in a while. I forget how much I love swimming and that I should do more of it.

Plus, guys in bathing suits! It should worry me because I’ll have all this meat to look at every day and it could have some…consequences down there. But, as I remember, most the guys don’t really pay much attention to anyone but themselves. They start out pretty self-conscious about how they look in a bathing suit and everyone is checking everyone else out, so there won’t be much ‘gay bashing’ going on. It’s weird how that works. Plus, my period of gym is filled with the geekier guys and they aren’t as homophobic as the meatheaded jocks.

I haven’t showered in the gym since leaving the Jock Period. It seems that showers were something the football team did regularly and so everyone else in that period had to do it too. But, that wasn’t the case in the other gym periods. The option was always open, but no one forced you to do it. So, it has been a while since I’ve seen other naked guys in the gym.

Most of the guys in my period I wouldn’t, well, notice too much, I’m afraid. They are either a bit too skinny or a bit too plump. But there is this one guy, Jeff. He isn’t a walking muscle like a jock, but he has a very nicely proportioned body. I wouldn’t mind checking him out a bit, but I know I’ll mostly be minding my own business. Not so much to keep from getting caught looking, but to keep a sense of privacy. It’s an unwritten rule in gym showers…try to respect other people’s privacy. It’s the ‘right’ thing to do, I guess.

In any case, Swimming…Yay! Something to look forward to in this place finally.

This is Brandon looking forward to good things for a change.