Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 3. Entry 3

Sunday

I was in such a snit about the Billy/Benji thing today that after Sunday Mass and Breakfast, I just rode around and around town on my bike. I hadn’t done that in ages! I have to say, my ass is not happy with me right now! Spending that much time on a bike seat peddling around must be great exercise for my derrière because mine feels like I’ve put it in a vice right now! Owch!

When I got home Sher Sher and Dad were back from doing whatever they were doing today and we went out for Italian at a joint just south of Palosanto. I haven’t had lasagna for a long time! Not since my Mama passed, actually. Both Sher and Dad were surprised at my order figuring I’d never eat lasagna again. So, it was, kind of, a right of passage, I guess. A sign that I’m ‘getting on with my life,’ which is true, more or less.

It might be because of people like Billy, Benji, Stevie, Chandler, Marie, and even Jamie that have helped me come out of myself long enough to get on with things. I sometimes think people don’t get just how important they are to other people. Most of us go through life thinking we aren’t much and that, except for our immediate family, few people if anyone will really miss us when we are gone. But, in the case of these guys I’ve mentioned, they’ve given me a new lease on life. A promise for a future, I suppose. I’d miss any one of them terribly if they decided to try to take Jimmy LaPlane’s way out of things. Jimmy himself probably has no idea how much his near suicide has affected a lot of people, me in particular!

I hear Jimmy’s scheduled to come back to school this week. I hope he gets treated better than he was before. I think he might be surprised at how many people he touched with his cry for help. I don’t expect it to change the Jock Culture at our school too much, but maybe it will motivate some of the non-jocks (like me, for instance) to come out and defend Jimmy should the big thugs start in on him again. I hope so.

I bet Jimmy will never know that I actually cried real tears when I’d heard what happened to him. That having that mixed CD he gave me haunts me! As I’ve said before, Jimmy’s experience could match my own in almost every way. If it weren’t for my Dad’s wisdom in getting me martial arts training, I may very well have ended up in that hospital right next to Jimmy! It might have happened even earlier than it did to him, in my case! For me Junior High was, um . . . pretty awful. That training saved me more than once!

Later this evening I thought to call Billy just to talk. I wondered if I might bring up Jimmy and compare notes. I did call, but then lost my nerve and hung up. I guess I chickened out tonight. Maybe it is for the best for tonight. I’m still pretty emotional about eating stupid lasagna for the first time in years! I’m moving ahead, but it is still an effort and I guess I’ve depleted my store of courage for one day. Calling Billy and talking about Jimmy might need to be a discussion for another day. I hope Billy understands.

I hope I see him tomorrow at school! Seeing him is, really, the one thing that can get me going on a Monday morning. Billy makes me look forward to another day!

I hope that’s not too much of a burden for him should he ever know. I’ll keep that to myself for now. That’s just the kind of ‘clinginess’ that could chase a guy off!

No running away from me, Billy! Stay right there so I can keep looking at you and loving that adorable chipmunk face of yours!

Monday

So, speaking of not running away, Billy, and chipmunks . . . we had a fairly awesome day together today. I laid in wait for my poor chipmunk so he couldn’t escape me this morning. I found him in the hall on the way to his first class, kind of, schlepping along with his backpack slung over one shoulder looking like it weighed a lot more than it must have. When he looked up and saw me his glum mood must have brightened because his face lit up from the pout he had going on. I could feel the pinpricks in my cheeks from anticipation and realizing that I made Billy happier just by seeing me waiting there for him!

Gosh, how I love that boy!

He goes, “Hey.” But, it was a bit lackluster.

“What’s up? You don’t look like your bright eyed bushy-tailed self today!” I could tell Billy had a lot going on in his mind and I figured he could get it off his chest. I had a notion of what it might be about and it made me sad that they’d done this to him. No one should break Billy’s heart! Not ever! Of all the guys out there, he should be the last one to have to suffer for having loved someone!

“Meh, yeah. I know. It’s Joanna and Sam. They’ve been making a spectacle out of themselves with all the lovey-dovey kissey stuff. It’s almost like they’re trying to push my nose into it! What did I ever do to deserve that?” Billy’s voice turned up on the word ‘deserve’. Naturally, I couldn’t think of anything Billy could possibly do or not do to warrant this kind of betrayal. Like I’ve mentioned before, betrayal is the cardinal sin as far as Italians go and it was something my Mom made sure I understood completely.

But, he was more asking, I guess the word is ‘Rhetorically’? I had to look the spelling up. It’s, basically, asking a question that has an obvious answer or doesn’t require one.

“I mean, like, I know I couldn’t have done anything that bad! Maybe, I didn’t give Joanna the attention she wanted, or whatever, so she might have gotten tired of me that way, but why did Sam make a play for her? SAM! My one-time-best friend! That’s what…hurts. It really does…”

“I bet! That was just not right of Sam. He’d have gotten a fat lip from me if he’d done that to me!” I offered. Billy just nodded. It didn’t seem to matter if I had thoughts on the matter, he just needed someone to talk to about it. Well, that was the least I could do for Billy! The most I could do was go ‘Batman’ up Sam’s face so bad that he’d be too ugly for the ‘precious’ Joanna to wanna kiss on anymore. Grrr!

“I’m finding another problem with this too - fallout I guess. I realized that so many of my friends were wrapped up with Joanna that now that I’ve been jilted they don’t want anything to do with me! It’s like, ‘go away loser who can’t even keep his best friend from swooping his girl out from under him!’ It’s not really done mean like that, really, but it is more like ‘poor Billy’ and then lets drop him like Kryptonite so we don’t get any on us!’ I mean, I don’t even have anyone to have lunch with!” Billy’s voice started straining at that one, like he might cry!

No. That’s not true…not by a long shot!

“You know…if you want...you could always sit with me. I'd be happy to sit with you.” So very happy! Call me Mr. Opportunist, but I couldn’t let this one go. Not for anything! This was an in to get closer to Billy! This was the door opening that I needed to, at the very least, replace Sam or, possibly, even Joanna! Getting closer I’d be able to tell absolutely if there was something between Billy and me that was stronger than just an off-again-on-again school-time friendship.

Unfortunately, when we did meet for lunch, our conversation was reduced to small talk and ‘false positives’. That means we really just talked in fits and halts. I think Billy wasn’t ready to expose his softer side to me yet. He may not trust me all the way. I can understand that perfectly! My own paranoia got my talker halting in fits and starts too!

I think we both knew we were closing in on something together, but neither of us were ready to go ‘full monty’ yet. To really open up, we really need to trust each other first. I think that will come in time, but I’ve got to remember…Billy and I haven’t been super close! We’re barely even more than library friends and passing aquaintences. The fact that I would love so much more is on me. I can’t expect Billy to share that strength of feeling.

I need to be patient, but I need to be there for Billy! Since I like him so much…that shouldn’t be a problem.

This is Brandon the Patient.