Dear Diary - 5. Chapter 5

"And I wondered, does he know what's in my heart
I tried to smile, but I could hardly breathe..."

By the time we had finally arrived at the school, we had both decided that we couldn't let anyone know about us... except, depending on Jimmy's way of thinking on the whole subject, he might tell someone. I doubted it; he'd be risking his own hide, if someone knew his best friend since like forever was gay... but he might still say something, out of a moment of indecision... or the wrong word might slip at the wrong time... one of a million things could go wrong. And if my life, up until Kevin, was any indication, something WOULD go wrong. Call me a fatalist, but I know when the deck's stacked against me.

We shared a loving gaze while still in his car, tucked so far back into the parking lot that no one would see us, before we got out, promising to meet for lunch and heading towards our first classes. Which, for me, was English. With Mrs. Alto. Not entirely an unpleasant situation, as she was my favorite teacher, but not entirely pleasant either... it meant no chance to either daydream about Kevin, or worry about Jimmy.

Speaking of Jimmy, he never showed up for first period (and yes, I shared first period with him), leading me to wonder what'd happened... first off, sure, it was entirely possible that he had simply cut, as he had so many times before... but dammit, he was my best friend in the world before this weekend, and I didn't want anything to have happened to him... especially since we last spoke the way we did. If something had happened to him, I knew it'd be on my conscience for the rest of my natural life, and that was a concept I didn't want to think about.

I was so deeply sunk into thought that I didn't realize that Mrs. Alto had called on me until she stood over me, her overpowering presence bringing me back into reality. She was a sweet woman (otherwise I'd've never liked her), but when she was mad... as evinced by several people I didn't care for at all... she could be the most evil, sadistic teacher at the school. Which I had not believed possible, only having had Mr. Albrecht the year before.

"Sean?" her voice called, cutting through the fog of my introspection and self-loathing. "Were you planning on sleeping your way through my class today, or did you think you might actually participate?"

I blushed under the sudden realization of the scrutiny of an entire class of idiots and asses... not to mention a few people I actually thought moderately cool... and ducked my head to hide it, sheepishly muttering an apology... I had actually done my homework Friday, so I could look good in class (especially since I never do my homework), but now, I would be lucky to have it all balance out. I cleared my throat, which seemed absurdly loud in the silence of the classroom, and launched into my recitation of Canterbury Tales, noting with a bit of glee that several people were in awe of my perfect accent and rhythm.

Oh, did I ever mention? I've always wanted to be either a singer (read: in a boyband) or an actor, or maybe a writer... I've written enough poetry and stories to silence my critics, even if my stories aren't exactly 100% kosher, or my poems are a little... dismal, dark, scary. First time someone read one of my poems, they predicted me to be a serial killer some time in the future. Hah... like that'd happen.

Finally, class was over, but Mrs. Alto asked me to stay back and talk to her... which, a bit hesitantly, I did, half fearing getting a detention, or worse.

"Sean, is something the matter?" she asked in that concerned voice of hers... but, concerned or not, I could hardly tell her the whole truth. PARTS of it, sure... but to tell her everything that was tantamount to suicide, for in this small town, who could be trusted? You got it: no one. For as much as I loved Kevin, I didn't even know that he, for certain, could be trusted... only reason I believed in him was because he'd be in as much danger as I. Same for Jimmy... though sometimes, you never know.

"Well, me and Jimmy got in a fight over the weekend," I said in my best offhand tone, electing to tell her what little I considered safe enough, "and with him not here and all, I was just worried... hoping he didn't decide to go do something stupid, I guess."

She seemed to expect more, but that she would have to find out from someone else... which meant that, hopefully, she wouldn't find out at all. Not unless I was far, FAR away from there. Shrugging slightly, I turned and went back to my seat to get my things together, leaving just as her first students for the next class started showing up...

Suddenly, as I was walking out the door, not paying attention to where I was going, I ran into someone, and knocked both of us down into a pile outside the door. A few people just kinda walked past, but everyone else came closer, watching to see what was going on or asking if we were OK, as I started to pick up my backpack and apologize to whoever it was...

And 'whoever it was' just happened to be Zack, this really... and I mean, REALLY... cute guy I'd seen around the school before. He was a little shorter than me, with long, spiked blond hair, beautifully deep blue eyes, and perfect red lips... which my attention seemed to always be drawn to, probably partly because he was always wearing lip gloss, which was considered a strange thing for guys to do. But then again, when you are as popular as Zack, no one says shit... no one would dare question whether or not he was gay, which I had a feeling was a good thing. I'd hate to see someone that beautiful get hurt.

Right now, however, my eyes were fixed tightly on his, neither of us seemingly able to look away, until the crowd finally started thinning out as the warning bell sounded, alerting us that there was only a minute until we had to be at our classes. However, I don't think he cared any more than I did... sometimes we would cut our classes together, even though he was a freshman and I was a senior. Which was part of why he was so popular: the more seniors he hung out with, the less like a freshman he was treated and the more like a senior, which meant automatic "in-crowd" status.

"Hey, Sean, sorry about that," he said, finally pulling himself together and getting up, offering me a hand, which I clenched greedily, all thoughts but him lost from my mind.

"Nah, it was my fault, Zack, don't worry about it," I replied offhandly, though my heart was racing from just this simple, casual contact.

He let go of my hand, but instead of walking towards his next class as I somewhat expected, he turned and was heading for the Tri... or, more likely, the area behind the Performing Arts building. Where we usually hung out, since no one on the faculty ever went back there, even when doing security sweeps, making it the ideal place to ditch without having to worry about the Campus Police (and I use the term loosely) catching us. Since he was headed back there, I decided to cut gym and go hang out with him... it was more fun than gym anyways, partly since he was cuter fully clothed than most of them were fully naked... not that I would've minded seeing Zack naked, but it would've had to wait. Forever, most likely.

We got back there and Zack pulled out his cigarettes, lighting one and offering one to me, which I took.

OK, don't look at me like that. Yes, I smoke... I never denied it, did I? And I know it's bad for me... but I don't care. I'll die eventually, I suppose, and it won't be any time soon... so why worry about the future? I mean, especially that far into the future...

He sat down, inhaling deeply, and I took the chance, emboldened by my weekend, to sit a mere few inches from him, our legs nearly touching... which he didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he didn't react at all. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him, while we sat there smoking: the way the wind made this one strand of hair fall into his face; the way the light seemed to play off his hair like a halo; the way he held his young, strong body, so sure of himself and everything around him.

"So," he said, breaking the silence, "I heard you and Kevin've been hanging out, huh?" I was slightly shocked that word had gotten around so fast, but I knew I had to be quick to respond to that, or Zack would suspect something, and friend or no friend, he'd be quick enough to turn me over to the bashers...

"Yeah, he picked me up Friday night from work, when I was waiting on Jimmy," I answered lamely, not really knowing what I should say... obviously, not the whole truth. I began getting nervous, not sure what exactly might happen, or what Zack knew, or what to say... and I started fidgeting, my leg rubbing lightly against his, so lightly I didn't even notice until he brought my attention to it by clearing his throat lightly and glancing meaningfully at my leg... but when I followed his gaze down, I'll be damned if I didn't see a bulge under those jeans! It was then I knew that I had to try, to see how much I could test the waters before I got in trouble here. I kept rubbing my leg against his, now a bit more forcefully, my eyes meeting his and not looking away, even when the seconds turned to minutes, and the end of second period was drawing dangerously near...

"You, uh, doing anything tonight?" he asked, a bit uncomfortably from his tone, and no wonder why: even through his jeans, I could tell he was hard as a rock from my little
teasing, and I knew exactly what he had on his mind...

"No, nothing that can't be put off," I replied softly, not letting up in my pleasurable torture. "Why, you wanna hang out after school?"

He merely nodded, watching our legs rub together, his eyes frequently darting to my cock, which was rock-hard as well and pretty obviously so in my shorts... and I realized that this was gonna be a great day. I was even tempted to move in for a little kiss to seal the deal when the bell rang, and we both jumped up, rushing to both conceal our respective growths and to hurry out of the restricted area to a more public place, where we could wait until the next class...

The next couple of classes went fairly quickly, with little more than the odd stare as I grew both more excited with the prospect of being with Zack later that day, and moody since no one had seen Jimmy yet... and though he'd cut class as often as I would, he'd never cut the entire day. And he was never sick, so that didn't cross my mind for more than a brief instant before I supressed it...

Then, finally, lunchtime, and realization of the truth came to me as I saw who was waiting for me outside the class doors: Kevin, a cocky little half-smile pasted to his face as he watched me fighting my backpack to get the books in, so I could hurry up and get some food, and maybe get a new topic to think about... well, then again, since I hadn't even thought about Kevin since much earlier that day, it worked admirably, as I considered the complications of my potential 'hanging out' with Zack later that day.

"Hey," he called in to me when the room was finally mostly empty, coming through the door to plod me along in my unpleasant task. Finally, however, I got everything together, and made my way out the door, Kevin close behind me. "Hey, aren't you gonna say anything?"

I let my eyes quickly evaluate the area... dead for the moment, so I turned to him, frustration in my eyes. "Well, see, I'd LOVE to kiss you, here and now," I slowly whispered, watching his face go pale and slack as I did so, "but, I've got this thing called self-preservation that says, the less the better. So, we keep it cool, or we get ourselves caught."

I could tell by the look on his face that he didn't like either option that much, but he knew as well as I that neither of us had a choice... not if we wanted to live to tell the tale. So, resigned to the situation, he merely flashed a half-hearted smile at me as we continued to the parking lot, loaded into his car, and took off for the nearest fast food place... which, for us, was the Golden Arches of McDonald's. Not the choiciest food, but a lot better than the slop at school, I'll give you that.

We managed to keep our cool at the restaurant, but it was really hard, especially when one of my old friends showed up.

"Hey, Sean!" I heard from behind me, and turned to find Ryan, one of the guys from the soccer team a couple of years back, latched onto me. Not that I would've minded otherwise, but even among friends, this was pushing the envelope more than a little bit.

I stepped back to admire him after all this time: he was 19, about 6'3" now, with sunbleached blond hair and a deep, dark tan, the sort you only get from spending most of your time on SoCal beaches... exactly where I'd expect to find him, since soccer wasn't his main love anymore... But guys are. I knew about him back when, three or so years ago, one of his good friends, Jacob Azure, got gaybashed by one of the most wellknown and feared people in the area, Chris Miller.

Anyways, so Ryan sat down with us, and we were talking about old times and current stuff, Ryan and me talking about Kyle Carmody, another friend of ours who disappeared from town the year before... and to top it off, Kyle was Jacob's boyfriend, and we (among the close friends) knew that Kyle always blamed himself for what happened to Jacob... just as everyone knew the only person Jacob ever blamed was Chris himself. Meanwhile, Kevin and I got Ryan caught up on the current gossip at school, including that Jimmy and I got into a fight, and hadn't been seen since...

"That's a shame, Sean," Ry said sympathetically. "I know he was your best friend, and he and I were kinda close for a while..." He kinda trailed off, but before I could ask him what else he was gonna say, everyone (meaning all the high school students) got up and started moving towards the door, apparently to make their way back to campus... which Kevin and I took as our cue, getting ourselves ready to leave.

"Ry," I asked, "how long are you in town for?"

"I dunno," he answered. "I got some time off from work, a couple of weeks, and I didn't really have any other plans besides coming up to see all the friends, so I thought I'd just stick around town for a while, see what's up."

"Ya know," Kevin chimed in, from right by my left shoulder, "you should come hang out with us later on today... we're just gonna be hanging out around the house, nothing special or anything..." Suddenly, I realized I had two separate afternoons planned, one with me and Kevin (and now presumably Ryan), the other with me and Zack... and I couldn't see a way to get out of either easily, not without hurting some feelings along the way. And the two afternoons DEFINATELY would not work together... I mean, me and Zack would probably play it low for a little while, then get into the action and be having sex... with Kevin by ourselves, the same thing would happen, but with Kevin and Ryan, I doubted it... for one thing, Ryan never seemed interested in me, and I doubted he had any clue about Kevin, while Kevin had no idea about Ryan, meaning he'd be playing low with him around, no matter what. And if I tried to add Zack into the mix... well, it would be pure disaster. No one would feel comfortable talking around anyone else. And just when I had a chance to get Zack outta his shell. Not to mention see him naked for the first time. I cursed my luck, when Kevin suddenly did a double take, turning to me and grimicing.

"Aw, shit, I almost forgot... I'm supposed to be helping out at the house today, so I can't hang out
until late... is that OK?" He looked unhappy, as though he was afraid I'd react badly, while I was busy thanking Whoever made it work out.

"I guess we can do that," came my response, as I tried my hardest to sound both offhand and slightly
offended, and was rewarded with a hurt look in his eyes, which made his heart melt, forcing him to playfully jab Kevin in the side. "Of course it's OK, Kev! Don't worry about it... we can get together later."

~After me and Zack get together for a while,~ I thought, but quickly shoved the thought away before I
actually said it out loud... a bad habit of mine, that is, thinking out loud.

The trip back to campus was uneventful, considering that it was all of a 2 minute drive. Once we got on campus and out of the car, we split to go our separate ways after setting when Kevin would arrive later that day.

As Kevin walked off, I started walking towards my next class, only to see Zack and one of his best friends, Johnny...

Now, Johnny was another guy I've had my eye set on for quite some time... he was in Zack's grade in school, but since he was Zack's friend, instant popularity... it all worked around, like I said before. Not that I would ever complain about him... he stood a little shorter than me, with short, spiky brown hair and deep blue eyes (which, I found out, were colored contacts... but they were very beautiful all the same), a deep golden tan covering his entire exposed body (and, from what he'd heard from a couple of people who'd claimed to have seen, in other places as well), with a slight yet muscular build to match Zack's... the two of them made a very cute pair, chatting and laughing without a care in the world, away from everyone else... In all honesty, I wouldn't've minded being there with them, talking like I didn't have a care in the world... but I don't know how comfortable I'd be there with them. And I know I'd be drooling pretty
much the entire time, which doesn't make for privacy and staying in the closet. So instead, I just kept going...

The rest of the day went by insanely slow, and my mind was constantly running over what might happen when Zack and I were at my house. Alone. Making things more complicated, as I now had to try and concentrate, PLUS hide the fact I had a raging hardon thinking about Zack and me later that night...

Finally, the last bell of the day sounded, releasing me to the world, and I found Zack over where we usually meet, just by the bike racks... with Johnny standing right beside him.

"Hey Sean!" Zack called, as soon as I came in sight, and they both waved to me, while I waved back, trying to figure out what was going on...

~Most likely,~ I reasoned, ~Johnny's just hanging around until me and Zack take off, then he'll go do his
thing, while we go do ours. At least, I hope so.~

As soon as I was near enough to talk without yelling, Zack announced, "Johnny wanted to come hang out with us. If that's OK with you, of course," he finished demurely, confirming my fears that I wasn't getting out of this one easily. Considering I'd have Johnny nearby to drool over, that wouldn't be so bad, but then again, this would make my ideas of what 'hanging out' with Zack would've been not exactly work.

"Sure, no problem," I said, as cheerfully as possible, though definately not feeling cheerful, then or on the way to my house... which, luckily, was a short walk. Ah well, I figured, at least there was eye candy, up close and personal.

Once we got there, we started moving around the house, not really settling in any room, until Zack noticed the pool in the back yard.

"Tight!" he exclaimed when he saw it, opening the door to the patio as he called back to me, "Is it cool if we swim awhile?"

Now, who was I to say no to such a lovely thought? And even if I was dumb enough to say no, I doubted Zack was gonna stop and wait for an answer... though I got a bit nervous when he stripped down to nothing right in front of me on the patio, and from Johnny's reactions, he wasn't expecting it, either.

"What the hell are you doing, Zack?" he asked, torn between confusion and revulsion, from the tone of his voice.

"Oh, shut the fuck up and jump in," Zack said, "and don't worry about Sean. He's cool."

Now, THAT was a little more than cryptic, but after Johnny turned to watch me for a second, he stripped as well, exposing his smooth, tanned body for a brief flash before diving into the pool as well, leaving me still fully clothed, with a raging hardon, and the only one not in on the pool party. And with the enticement of the two guys already in there, either of whom would be fulfillment to a fantasy, I couldn't resist joining in on the fun.

In record time, I had my clothes off and my body in the cold water, thankful that it was bringing my hardon down quickly. I avoided staring at them as much as possible, swimming lazy laps around the pool and splashing around, generally making a lot of noise and a big mess... but I couldn't help but feel like there was something else going on, something neither of them was telling me... especially when I caught, out of the corner of my eye, Zack staring at me and whispering in Johnny's ear.

Sooner than I'd like, everyone wanted to get out, but since I didn't have the foresight to bring down towels from the linen closet, we all agreed to simply laze around in the sun on some of the lawn chairs my parents kept around for relaxing. Not that this was exactly relaxing to me, with Zack laying to my left, his soft cock resting on his stomach, the head pointed at me, and with Johnny on my right, turned facing me, his cock semihard and just barely starting to throb... there was obviously quite a bit of sexual tension in the air, and I wasn't the only one to feel it.

Finally, when I thought I was about to break, Zack got up and sat next to me, right between me and Johnny, while Johnny sat up and moved a bit closer to the both of us, his cock now aimed right at Zack's ass. Zack kept his eyes locked on mine, and I kept mine locked on Zack, running up and down his beautiful naked body, less than an inch from me, his cock starting to get hard... as was mine, from having him this close to me.

I couldn't take the pressure any more, so I reached out and touched Zack's chest, rubbing my hands over those tight muscles, stopping to play with his hard little nipples, making him moan with just that slightest touch, while Johnny came and sat behind Zack, his hands reaching down to stroke up and down my legs, making me jump whenever he ran along my inner thighs, while Zack reached down and traced little circles around my nipples, while pressing his ass back into Johnny's dick, which jumped in anticipation.

We decided to move inside, and took the bed in my room, each of us laying on our side, one person's dick right in front of their face... I had Johnny's meat pressed right up to my lips before I realized it, while Zack hungrily grabbed my meat and started sucking, and Johnny did the same to him. A little awkwardly, having only done this a few times, and without someone else's cock, I gingerly took Johnny's dick into my mouth, teasing it a bit with my tounge as I slowly worked my way up and down his shaft, while Zack teased the shit outta my cock, using tiny licks all over the length and head, sending me closer to orgasm without actually getting me close... it was driving me crazy, and making me go full force on Johnny, who was moaning the loudest, despite having Zack's cock filling his throat.

After a few minutes of that, I felt my cum start to boil up, and I mumbled around Johnny's cock that I was about to shoot... but if Zack was concerned, it didn't show, because he kept sucking until I came, and even then continued, trying to milk me for every last drop, right up until I pulled his mouth away... I was getting more than a little sore from his tender ministrations, and it was taking my attention away from Johnny's cock, which I started sucking with renewed fervor, his enjoyment of the blowjob audible around Zack's cock still filling his mouth and throat.

Almost immediately, I felt Johnny start to tense up, and heard both of their moans getting louder as Zack came in Johnny's mouth, triggering his own release into my throat. Each of us spent, we all just lay there like that, our heads resting on one anothers' hips, our mouths tasting of cock and cum... not that I minded, and from what I could tell, neither did they.