Dear Diary - 8. Chapter 8

"Dear Diary...
One touch of his hand..."

I woke up to the complete and absolute quiet of an apparently recently unoccupied house (which, other than the one, me, it did appear to be), and moved around on the couch a little, trying to find a clock, something to give me some sort of idea how late I was gonna wind up being to school... but first, I found a note addressed to me sitting on the coffee table in front of me, and recognized Ryan's handwriting. Slightly puzzled, I sat up and read the note...

Sean-

I didn't want to wake you up, so I just wrote this instead. Kev
said that he's got stuff he has to do after school, so how would ya
like to make up for last night after you get home from school? Page me
n I'll come running... ya know me.

Love,
Ryan

I sat the note back down on the table and stretched, considering cutting school to take Ryan up on his offer... a makeup session for the prior night, not to mention fun that early in the morning... but then, I remembered Zack and Johnny, and I forced myself up the stairs and into my bedroom, my eyes absently picking out the imprints their tangled forms left upon my bed during the night...

That decided the matter for me. I certainly wasn't exactly pleased with Ryan for all but ignoring me the night before and paying all his attentions to Kevin, and since I truly and desperately needed to talk to Zack and Johnny about everything that'd happened, I decided to go ahead and go to school. I quickly picked out a pair of black board shorts and a black t-shirt, deciding to forgo boxers today... they weren't all that comfortable under board shorts, and I always chose my own comfort over practicality. Clothes in hand, I made my way into the bathroom, noting almost immediately that the water along the floor of the shower was still warm... it hadn't been long at all after they'd left the house when I awoke, and I deliberately blocked out the image of Ryan and Kevin going at it in the shower as it came into my head, rushing through my own shower and drying off as quickly as possible, throwing my clothes on quickly before pausing a moment to tease and gel my hair into a passable imitation of spikes, hurrying to throw on my sandals and grab my backpack and heading downstairs, taking the stairs three at a time, heading out the front door and into the brightly lit world, pausing again to squint from the painful light, waiting for my eyes to adjust...

It took me about ten minutes after that to get to my school, the bell ringing as class let out. I glanced at my wrist to find out what time it was, only to realize just then I'd completely forgotten my watch, that it was laying at home... on my dresser, most likely. As far I could tell, however, first period had just let out, so I walked across the field, heading towards where I knew Zack's second class was, but instead saw him crossing the Quad towards the 'forbidden' area, where everyone hung out during cut periods... where Zack and I hung out just the day before. I changed course to follow him, moving quietly, and was amazed to see Johnny sitting over there, hanging out already, apparently waiting for Zack...

"Zack!" I called out as we got closer. "Johnny!"

Zack's face as he turned to face me was first a mask of shock, then betrayal, finally settling into apparent indifference to my very presence, turning to walk away from me towards Johnny, with me following.

"Can I talk to you guys?" I pleaded with them, not receiving a response from either of them, feeling myself nearly on the verge of crying. "Please?"

Zack turned to face me, his body directly between me and Johnny, as though protecting him from me, his face an unfathomable mask. "What do YOU want?" he demanded of me in a cold, hateful voice, moving back to sit down right next to Johnny, their bare legs touching, much as ours had the day before... I blocked the image of the former day, concentrating on what I needed to tell them.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," I started lamely, not knowing how else to breach the subject, but seeing Zack's eyes go cold, I rushed on ahead. "But I remembered... realized... something last night. Me and Kevin, we never really started going out, not officially. We'd fucked, yeah, but I don't know that that could be considered a relationship," I continued, not sure whether or not I should continue from there... but my heart was speaking, not my mind, so I continued onward anyways... "And I'm not sure I'm really all about him... I..."

I finally stopped myself short, finally realizing something so obvious, I should've noticed sooner. The two's body language spoke louder and stronger than words ever could. They were a couple, and the day before, everything that we'd done together, was purely a fling, simply a sexual experience, and nothing at all more. I was interested in Zack and Johnny both, in a way neither would ever, could ever return... they were in love with each other, and I was little more than a good friend to them... well, a friend with benefits, as the day before had proved, but still...

"What DO you want, then?" Zack asked me, his voice filled with more confusion than anything else.

"I want to still be friends with both of you," I said softly, even though my heart was screaming otherwise at the top of its lungs. "I don't know, or care, if you ever want to repeat yesterday afternoon... I just don't ever want to lose either of you as friends..."

Zack and Johnny exchanged glances, an intimately private conversation shared in that single look, and they both turned to face me, Johnny wearing a strangely sad smile.

"We don't want to lose you either," he said almost sadly, his voice barely more than a whisper. "...As a friend," he added quickly, glancing once again to Zack.

I hugged them both as tightly as possible to me, Zack on my right and Johnny on my left, as I cried inwardly, my heart weeping with the ignored desire, the wish to tell them how I truly felt towards them. However, my logical mind decided that doing so would probably only hurt them, maybe even tear them apart, and quite possibly ensuring my losing them as friends, and from where I stood, nothing was worth losing that... not even the potential happiness of having them with me...