Dear Diary - 7. Chapter 7

"Diary, tell me what to do
Please tell me what to say..."

"What're you guys talking about?" Kevin asked as he reached the bottom of the stairs, turning around the corner into the front room.

"About the fight with Jimmy," I quickly answered, telling Ryan with a single glance to stick with the truth, but also to NOT bring up the subject of Jimmy's feelings towards me... I had enough on my plate as it was, without having to deal with Kevin knowing about that. So many secrets I had from Kevin already, and we hadn't even really officially started going out...

I almost slapped my forehead in a mixture of surprise, relief, and self-consternation, having thought that last. Of course! Why hadn't I thought about that earlier? I wasn't really going out with Kevin... not yet, at the least... so what I'd done with Zack and Johnny not even 12 hours before WASN'T cheating after all! Not technically, not literally. Now, I just needed to explain that to the two bois the next day, let them know the truth of the matter... if for no other reason than so they wouldn't feel so bad about what'd happened. I wasn't truly sure whether I would want to go out with Kevin... or consider Jimmy's feelings for me, if he even ever decided to show back up in the first place... or go out with Zack or (or, given the impossible, AND) Johnny. All I did know was, there simply wasn't any time in the present to make that decision, not right now, especially not with Ryan sitting right next to me, clouding my thoughts with his absolute beauty, capturing every instant of my attention while we all talked idly, the words seeming to flow out of their own accord, not holding any true meaning other than to occupy time, sending second after second flying off the clock without our noticing. I, for one, was not in a position to pay the time any mind. Kevin sat on my left, only wearing a pair of my jean shorts, too tight for him... not that I'm complaining, mind you... his hair still tousled from our recent activities. Ryan on my right, hair (as always) perfectly in place, him wearing board shorts and sandals (oh yeah, and a watch, I noted... the silver perfect against the deep tan of his skin, which covered every inch of his visible body)...

As though on some unknown cue, all three of us fell silent at once, thoughts of Jimmy and the fight and his feelings for me forgotten (by me, at the least) for the moment, as I allowed my eyes to continue roaming Ryan's perfect, unclothed upper body... of course I'd seen him fully naked before, since I'd had a gym locker right next to him more times than I could count, but high school (for him) had been a couple years ago now, and I hadn't seen him very much (or very much OF him) in that entire time, and somehow... it seemed, almost, as though his body was more perfect now, somehow, as though some unknown flaw had somehow been chiseled out, smoothed out, perfected. Not that I'd thought it possible before for his body to be more perfect... but as I was coming to see, possibility and its opposite were becoming much more indistinct as of lately. First there was Kevin, then Zack and Johnny, then apparently even Jimmy wanted me... and unless I was misreading signals (which I prayed most fervently was NOT the case), Ryan, too, had developed a certain longing for me... something I'd prayed for more years in my life than I choose to count...

But, for the moment at least, I'd have to forget about that. After all, to my knowledge, Kev had no way of knowing about Ryan's 'little secret', and since Ryan didn't really know Kev all that well to begin with, not to mention having just found out about him. And anyways, even with the temptation of finally having Ryan, I wasn't necessarily willing to share the experience with Kevin, as selfish as that may sound, not to mention I certainly wasn't in the mood to do all the footwork just to create a repetition of that afternoon, fantasy or no fantasy... so, either they'd set it up or it'd go undone for now. Which wouldn't bother me too much... there were always more chances, especially now that I had a feeling about Ryan's feelings towards me... not love, though I would've liked that, but I was sure lust was there. And more than sure...

Suddenly, a low whistle from Ryan broke the silence, and I raised my eyes to his face to see him glancing up from his watch, a displeased look on his face. Clearly, time was definately flying by, and he'd just realized the fact. "Guess I'd better get going," he said softly, reluctantly. "I've got a hotel room down in Santa Rosa, and it's getting late..."

Now, Santa Rosa, while certainly not the longest of drives by any stretch of the imagination, was still a good distance from where I lived in Ukiah, so under normal circumstances (which is to say, the highway only about half clogged with travellers and late commuters) he'd have a good hour and a half drive ahead of him... but before he'd even had a chance to get up from the couch, I heard Kevin's voice pipe up, echoing my dawning thoughts...

"No, why don't you stay here with us for the night, instead of driving all the way down there this late at night?" Kevin's eyes locked on Ryan's, some private message seeming to pass between them, a secret conversation shared in that briefest of moments before Ryan blinked, glancing at me.

"Are you sure?" he asked, seeming directed at both of us, though his eyes were locked now on mine, as though looking for the agreement within my eyes.

"Of course," I said cheerily, keeping my eyes locked on his, wishing I'd offered myself in the first place rather than being the one to check with... but ah well, at least he'd be here, and we could hang out longer...

He smiled sincerely, relaxing back into the couch, sliding ever so slightly closer to me... or so it seemed to me, at least. "Thanks, guys," he said softly, turning to hug both of us to him. "We can hang out tonight, then..." He trailed off at the end of the sentence, as though unsure whether or not he should finish it.

We got back to talking, seeming to talk for quite some time more, drifting from one subject to another without much purpose... or, in my case, attention, since my attention was evenly divided between Kevin's presence on my left and Ry's on my right, both of them seeming to give me their near-undivided attention... which was getting me quite worked up, until my hardon was quite soon much more visible than I was comfortable with through my Jncos. I wasn't the only one who noticed, either, as Ryan caught my eye, glancing down at my crotch and winking suggestively, giving me further proof that my lust for him was certainly not onesided. And I knew, somehow, that it was now or never, and all I had to do was speak the
magic words and my fantasies about Ryan would finally come true...

"Would you guys mind if we move the party upstairs?" Kevin suggested, feigning a show of weariness that was clearly (to me, at least) directed at Ryan... he certainly wasn't planning on sleeping, with the glance he levelled at me as he asked. I agreed as quickly as I could make the words come out, Ryan not far behind, and I wondered at just how perfect the day had been so far... with better and better things on the way, it would certainly seem...

As we headed up the stairs, Ryan broke the ice with Kevin, grabbing playfully at Kev's ass, and from then on, all the way up the stairs, they were grabbing at each other's crotches and asses, exchanging deep looks that left me somewhat out, even though I was only a couple of steps behind them. I felt a pang of isolation from being left out on the sidelines like this, and worse, the first sharp grabs of jealousy... I wanted Ryan, I had Kevin, and here they were, all but ignoring me as we headed up to MY room... Not that it helped matters much when, before I could even get my shorts off, they were already down on the floor, slobbering greedily on each other's cocks, buried deep in each other's throats, both moaning and slurping loudly while I finished getting my Jncos off, revealing my hard and waiting cock. Which was not noticed, and obviously so, by either of them... I moved in, trying to slip a hand, a mouth, something into the mix, but found myself before too long simply standing back, my hand working overtime (though not very enthusiastically so) while they continued to work on each other, me forgotten, all but invisible while they devoted their lips and tounges to each other's needs...

After a couple of minutes, bored nearly to tears of the twosome which apparently didn't call for me, I grabbed up my shorts and stormed downstairs, growing quite rapidly soft from the absolute lack of attention, more than a little irritated that they had forgotten all about me in their excitement to fuck one another. In the living room, I quickly threw my shorts on and picked up the phone, considering calling over to Zack's house, either to hang out or (more likely, and more hopefully) repeat the earlier events, but if he was even at home, he didn't bother answering. Dejected, I hung it back up, laying down on the couch and closing my eyes, allowing sleep to claim purchase on me, a restless sleep filled with haunting reminders of the sexual encounter still occuring above me, of two of the guys I'd wanted for my entire life, or nearly so, twisted about one another, all thoughts of me forgotten as they continued their lustfilled romp in my bed...

When it rains, it pours? Well, it wasn't pouring anymore... not even raining. I didn't see the sun, though... no light at the end of this tunnel. ~What if Kev likes Ry more than he likes me?~ I wondered after awakening from that hellish dream. ~What if Zack and Johnny don't like me anymore? What if Jimmy never comes back? What do I do then?~ No answer to my questions came, only the dark clutches of sleep, claiming me once again, leading me into a maze of entwined shadows, where nothing... and certainly no one... was as they seemed. Especially none of the people who mattered most in my life right now. And I was lost in the center, without any clue as to where to turn or which way to go...