Dear Diary - 6. Chapter 6

"Should I tell him how I feel
Or would that scare him away?"

Suddenly, I realized the time, and mentally kicked myself for getting into this situation... sure, I'd had a crush on both of these visions of perfection for a long time, but still, I had a thing with Kevin, and I felt like I was betraying him, sleeping with them. Which I was.

I got up quickly, herding the two out of bed and pushing them to get their clothes back on, when Zack asked what was wrong... I couldn't lie to him, not as much as I liked him, both as a friend and with the crush...

"Zack," I said, my voice quavering in the pain of moral problem and with the knowledge I'd be hurting someone, somehow, thanks to my idiocy, "me and Kevin... we're... kinda boyfriends, and stuff... and I can't do this, not to him of all people."

From the looks on their faces, I couldn't tell what was going on, until Johnny started to speak, his voice laden with sorrow.

"You... cheated on him, with us?" he asked, incredulous. All I could do was hang my head and nod almost imperceptibly. "But, why? Why did you do that?"

"I don't know!" I said, part in frustration and part in shame. "All I know is, I've been wanting to do... all this... for the longest time, and if it'd happened a week earlier, or two, or a whole month, it wouldn't be a problem... but since now me and Kevin are seeing each other, it can't work. Not like this... not knowing that I'm betraying him in the process... I just can't do that, not to him and not to either of you... that's why I had to tell you..."

Zack just looked hurt as he finished getting himself back together, then rushing Johnny, who was too shocked to move at any rate of speed... but finally, they were both ready to go, and Zack shot me a look of reproach as they both left out the door, leaving me to myself as I awaited Kevin's arrival.

Not that I had to wait too long, for no sooner had I gotten cleaned up and redressed than I heard a knock on the door, which was Kevin. Not sure whether or not to tell him what happened as yet, I decided to keep quiet about it, at least for now.

"Hey, baby!" he said once the door was closed behind him, grabbing me up in his muscular arms and hugging me tightly, my bones creaking under the pressure of that embrace. "Did ya miss me?"

Now, how was I supposed to tell him I was too busy to miss him, especially once he found out the reason why I was so busy? The answer, of course, being to not tell him. And a lovely answer it was indeed... I had neither the will to tell him and lose him, nor the usually potent need to tell the truth, so I thought, in the interest of our relationship, a white lie might not hurt.

"The entire time," I answered softly, my lips pressing into his before he could respond... and not letting go for quite some time. However, once we broke the kiss, I thought a slight change of subject might prove in order... "So, how was everything at the house?"

He shrugged slightly... he never liked to talk about his home life, and with parents like his, I certainly didn't blame him... Nor could I blame the fact he was away from home every possible moment. If my parents were like his, and were ever home, I'd be looking to be away from home myself. "Everything's OK, I guess," he responded, as though he wanted to drop the subject... which I was more than willing to do in favor of another deep kiss, one which lasted from the foyer all the way to my room. We slowly and softly undressed one another, but on unspoken agreement, we climbed into bed and simply cuddled, forgoing all the other possible activities. Well, for now, at least... I had fairly recently been drained by Zack and Johnny, so if he wasn't up for sex at the moment, I wasn't about to complain right now. Later would be different, but for now, cuddling was more than enough for me.

We laid there like that for quite some time, needing nothing more than each other's presence to reassure ourselves that it wasn't a dream, that we WERE both together, in love... but what about what I'd done? I knew I had to tell him, but how? If I wasn't careful, I could break his heart... which was the last thing I wanted to do... I couldn't stand the thought of doing that to him, of hurting him. But I already had. He just didn't know it yet.

Finally, we disengaged from our lover's embrace, me turning to face him as we gently kissed and touched, both of us quickly becoming aroused, both of us needing release. And badly. I took his cock in hand, stroking it gently, feeling him pulse under my hand as he reached to do the same, his rough hand feeling so good, so right, against my smooth dick. I moaned into his mouth, and he did the same into mine, as our hands both picked up speed and desire, each stroke sending the other deeper and closer to orgasm, as
well as speeding up their hand, sending the pleasure back along... which was working very well, as I was about to erupt into the space between us, and as I could tell from his clenched body, he wasn't far behind at all.

I felt his body tense further and his hand stutter slightly as he shot several arcs of cum onto my hand, my chest and stomach, and some landing on the narrow section of bed right between us. The feel of his hot load hitting me was more than I could stand, and I felt my own body give way under the desire, covering his body in my cum as we both relaxed into each other, pinning our arms in the middle and sealing it all with our intermingled loads, which were swiftly cooling while we kissed more, now passionately again rather than greedily, our tounges exploring each other's mouth as we enjoyed the postcoital "glow" you supposedly feel right after sex, especially good sex... Hel, I certainly wasn't about to complain.

We passed out like that, not having any realization of the time passing until a loud, booming knock on the front door awoke us both, me jumping from my (or dare I say, our?) bed and throwing my shorts back on, running to answer the repeating knock at the door, to find Ryan standing there, wearing a pair of board shorts, a pair of sandals, and nothing else. God... just seeing that body took my mind back to when we would wind up sharing the locker room, his locker next to mine, my eyes constantly drawn to his sculptured body, like a moth to a flame, one bright enough to use as a new sun... I shook my head almost imperceptibly of the reverie, inviting him in and calling up the stairs to warn Kevin who it was, so he could get dressed and meet us downstairs.

I led Ryan to the front room (that's living room, in case you don't catch the reference... it wasn't until I visited Florida with my father that I learned there's a difference, not that it matters to you) and we sat on the couch, with me in the middle, going over old times and people... Kyle, Jacob, David, Chris... and of course Jimmy.

"I was wondering," I asked, made brave by the recent happenings in my life, "what did you mean when you said you and Jimmy were... 'kinda close'?"

Ryan looked shocked at first, but his eyes seemed to look deeper into me, and he swallowed hard, as though deciding on what, exactly, to say. "Well, you know I'm gay, and... me and Jimmy... we'd fooled around." Now it was my turn to be shocked. Jimmy? The guy who's always taking some chick home with him? The one who's always bragging about how all the girls say how good in bed he is? Gay?

Ryan looked at me, seeing the shock, and continued. "He isn't gay," he said softly, as though he was reading my mind. "I don't know for sure what he is... or even, if he knows what he is, but I know that we usta fool around all the time. It wasn't a big deal, least not for us, but you know how some people are, even when the person in question is popular." He gave me a knowing look, and I knew he was talking about Kyle and Jacob, and my heart sank.

"The fight... I didn't exactly tell you everything about it," I confessed. "He caught me and Kevin in my bedroom... we weren't doing anything at the time, but I was about as dressed as I am now, and Kevin... well, he WAS wearing a sheet," I finished, a nervous giggle escaping my lips, as realization dawned on Ryan's face.

"I know what's wrong, then, I think," Ryan said slowly, as though unsure if he should speak, for fear of spilling a deep, dark secret. "Jimmy told me once that..."

Just then, footsteps down the stairs spoke of Kevin's imminent arrival, and Ryan stopped talking, though his eyes conveyed all the meaning he needed to get across, and the room suddenly began to spin as new meaning came to me. Meaning, and a reason for Jimmy's actions the other night. And his cutting school. On top of everything else going on in my life, now Jimmy wanted me too... it was almost too much to bear. But you know what they say: when it rains, it most certainly pours.