Jarek - 14. Secrets

‘A nerve-wracking day.’

‘But fun.’

‘If someone had told me you could turn the worst behaved class in school into a functioning unit who already respect each other, think the sun shines out of your arsehole, and can see nothing wrong in you and me spending the day starkers, I’d never have believed them! And who’d have thought that Arthur and his doughy band of fundie Christians would publicly tell you they were easy about you running around naked? Not to mention gangly four-eyes Anton, who gets up everyone’s nose at school with his superiority complex, how’d you make him so conciliatory and eager to please? Even better, you’ve got Sasha, the tiny but perfectly formed nerd who acts like a cyborg, and Melvin, the terror of year nine eating out of your hand! Honestly, when in the first minute he started sneering about our thongs, and had the others sniggering in support, I was ready to either slam my fist into his face or run for cover. But you! You smiled sweetly as if they were your favourite, people, said a few calming words and within seconds they were following you around like well-trained ducklings.’

‘They are normal. It’s all those women teachers that have driven them insane! Expecting them to conform to female standards instead of their natural male instincts. Two things contributed to our success, the shock of seeing us virtually naked shook them out of their preconceptions and made them rethink everything, followed by the calming, yet stimulating effect of a natural forest, stream, and interesting activity. Treating them as sensible, responsible people is the next most important thing. We all respond to the way we’re treated—treat me like a fool and I’ll be one.’

‘I could never be a teacher.’

‘You could, but I doubt it would satisfy you. Melvin’s a breath of fresh air, don’t you reckon? Coming in with his erection?

‘I’d never have dared. He’s going to be sexy in a couple of years.’

‘Not as sexy as you. Are all your studies done?’

‘Just two things to complete, no more than half an hour.’

‘Good, I’ll go check on the kids.’

‘You’re a martyr to the cause. By the way, why are you wearing your pouch? After the bible bashers said they were happy for us to wear nothing, if you don’t they might have second thoughts.’

‘Sounds reasonable. Be interesting to see what they’re wearing.’ Jarek tossed his pouch on the bed. ‘When I get back there'll be time for a little...?’

‘Or a lot.’

‘Melvin and Sasha were lying together in the bottom bunk, both aroused, both deliberately exposing themselves. Testing authority as usual.

‘I hope you asked Sasha before touching him, Melvin?’ Jarek said with mock seriousness.

‘Didn’t get a chance, he just pounced on me and is holding me helpless.’

‘I have to, otherwise he’ll fuck me.’

‘You wish.’

‘Surely you want to have a bit of fun before you start screwing each other?’

‘Like what?’

‘Touching, kissing, caressing… Research has proven that the longer you play around, exploring each other’s bodies, discovering what arouses and pleasures your partner, the more earth-shattering is the orgasm when it arrives.’

‘You mean people actually do research on these things?’

‘Of course, Sasha. Sex is the primary life force, and if it’s fun with no guilt feelings and shared with someone you fancy, then it can be the most rewarding experience you ever have.’

‘I thought sex was just fucking.’

‘No, Melvin, fucking’s the optional culmination of foreplay, and may not even happen. Some people prefer mutual masturbation and never practice penetration. If all you want to do is shove your cock in a hole and ejaculate, then get a blow up doll or wank. It’s a release, but has almost nothing to do with sex.

‘Those things… kissing and stuff, that’s for girls and queers.’

‘No, Sasha, it’s for everyone who wants to share the joys of sex with someone else. As I said earlier, no one’s queer. Everyone is normal, it’s just that there are as many ways of being normal as there are humans.’

‘So, if we kissed and stuff, that’d be normal?’

‘Perfectly normal if you enjoy it. Abnormal if you don’t. Sex is a bit like travelling; the journey should be as much fun as arriving. For many men, ejaculation is disappointing because the journey’s been too short and perfunctory. Here’s the deal, if, after three nights of exploration of each other’s bodies, discovering what turns each other on, what gives the most pleasure... you still want to see what it’s like to fuck, then I’ll get you some olive oil from the larder to grease the passage.’

‘How do you know all these things?’

‘I read a lot and the internet is a mine of information.’

‘Why are you being so honest?’

‘Because dishonesty about sex is the cause of half the world’s woes. Too many people’s lives have been ruined by the lies their parents and religion tell them. Sex is too important to get wrong. So, have fun, but no more than half an hour. We’re swimming at dawn.’ With an easy wave he was gone, leaving the two lads excited, nervous and impatient to begin doing what they imagined would be very daring and exciting, but had lacked the courage to suggest for fear the other would think they were queer.

Simon, Anton, Joseph and Leon in the middle room were lying on their bunks talking quietly.

‘Everything OK?’ Jarek asked.

‘Brilliant,’ was Simon’s response. ‘If my parents knew I was going to sleep naked un top of the bed they’d have a fit. I have to wear pyjamas and a sheet even on the hottest nights at home, in case of fire, Mum says. This is so fantastic! I know I’ll sleep perfectly.’ ‘Me too,’ from the others.

‘Good lads.’ As Jarek turned to go, Leon leaned over from his top bunk and touched his arm lightly, pulling him closer. Jarek bent forward and, unnoticed by the others, was enveloped in a chaste hug. ‘Thanks, Jarek,’ Leon whispered in his ear. ‘You’re the best.’

To Jarek’s surprise, Arthur and his three cohorts were naked, leaning against their bunks, apparently arguing. They quickly covered their loins with their hands when he walked in.

‘Hands on heads!’ he snapped. Taken by surprise they complied. ‘No real man is ashamed of his genitals so don’t do that again, it looks pathetic.’

‘No, Sir… I mean yes, Sir… Jarek.’

‘Everything OK?’

‘We’re trying to get used to being naked. We want to just walk around as easily as you and Zeno,’ Robert said with a faltering grin. ‘You look just as dressed naked as in your shorts at school.’

‘And we’re wondering how to behave tomorrow’ Arthur said nervously. ‘For the first time I can remember the other guys have been speaking to us as if we’re normal.’

‘Yeah. When we were outside looking at the stars they talked to us as if we were, you know, the same as them. We don’t want them to despise us again, but we’re not sure why they did in the first place,’ Adrian stuttered in the longest speech Jarek had heard him make.’

‘Why do they hate us?’ Henry asked petulantly.

‘They don’t hate you, but they do get sick of you implying they’re sinners because they don’t believe in your god, or behave as you think they should. You guys stick together as if you think you’re better than them. They’ve been treating you like normal guys because you’ve only mentioned god once today. They also warmed towards you because of what Robert said about us all having the right to wear what we like. Keep it up and they’ll accept you permanently.’

‘It won’t last,’ Arthur sighed. ‘They also hate me because I’m fat. I hate being fat but don’t know what to do about it!’

Jarek’s heart sank. He’d imagined that giving the boys a taste of freedom from rules and external pressures so they could be responsible for themselves and accept other’s differences would change their lives. But he could see it was going to take more than a few days. Every boy held within him a closet full of unconscious inhibitions, fears and foibles that would prevent any useful change unless the lad was forced to face up to them. Just about all kids need to share their secret confusions with a sympathetic adult. That should be the job of grandparents or kindly retired neighbours. As a youth he used to talk to his grandmother for hours, telling her all his problems. She’d listen and nod and make sympathetic noises, but say nothing useful. Yet later on he’d discover he knew what to do. Bringing problems into the open was all it took to see solutions. He didn’t have to become involved with these lads or even offer support. They were smart enough to work things out for themselves—all young people are, given the tools. All he had to do was let them feel safe enough to talk, and they would do the rest themselves. The realisation released the tension that had been accumulating all day and with an uncertain smile he accepted the role of facilitator.

‘Stand over there,’ Jarek instructed. ‘Face me.’

Self-consciously, Arthur did as he was bidden, making an obvious effort to keep his hands at his sides. He was indeed fat. Navel buried in a spare tyre that must have rendered his tiny penis and balls invisible to him. Breasts and distended nipples that on a girl would have demanded a bra. Neck and cheeks too chubby to be attractive. From behind, his buttocks were full, pink and wobbly. Only arms and legs were normal.

‘You don’t look half as fat naked as with your togs on,’ Jarek said judicially, ‘that's because the tight waistband creates an apron of fat bulging over the top. Naked you’re all of a piece, smooth and more attractive. Yes, you’re overweight, but you’re young, your skin is elastic enough to take up the slack when you lose weight. But if you were my age it’d be too late. The point is, how motivated are you? Do you really want to lose the fat or are you just saying it?’

‘I really, really want to.’

‘How about you, Robert? You’re slightly overweight, but will become a handsome young man if you keep fit, and slim down a little. Are you going to help Arthur?’

‘Yes.’

‘Joseph and Henry. You look nervous. I know you’re both fine young men because I’ve watched you for nearly two years, and yet you walk around as if you’re expecting to be beaten with a stick. Human children, like the young of all mammals, don’t like to associate with diseased or frightened kids. Chickens will peck weak ones to death. If you stand tall, look people in the eye and never hang your heads as if you’re ashamed to be alive, then you’ll be left alone.’

‘Their father hits them,’ Adrian said thoughtfully.

‘You’ve no right to say that!’ Henry muttered.

‘If it’s true, then you must tell Mr. Noble when you return to school. He will help you. Parents are not allowed to treat their children cruelly. It affects everything you do and ruins your lives. Come on. Stand tall, head up, shoulders back, chest out! That’s the way. Stand like that and you look almost slim and attractive. Walk around the room like that then approach me and say, ‘Hi, Jarek, what’re we doing tomorrow?’

They tried it several times before he was satisfied. ‘If you really want your lives to change, then it is entirely up to you. No one else can do anything. The most important thing is to honestly believe you are as good as anyone else. Not better than them but just as good. Whenever you can, practise walking and speaking together as you did with me just now, and critically observe each other when you’re with other kids so you can later on offer advice. Promise?’

‘Yes, Jarek.’ their voices were awed whispers.’

‘Now back to you you, Arthur. Your class work is good, you’re polite and pleasant, why do you overeat and under exercise?’

‘I’m useless.’

So am I at all sorts of things. No one is good at more than a few things. The trick is to be proud of the things you’re good at and silently tell people who criticise you to fuck off. I have a good friend who when she’s with people who are seriously annoying her, says dreamily, “I wish I could fly…” and we all laugh because we know the rest of what she wants to say.’

‘What’s that?’

‘So I could shit in your eye.’

‘The four boys laughed, mainly from the illicit thrill of listening to a ‘dirty joke.'

‘You’re just buttering us up.’

‘Why would I do that, Arthur? In four days’ time you’ll never see me again. Believe it or not, I like you—I like you all and see something worthwhile in each of you. I’m not saying you’re not overweight, you are. However, if you’re serious about losing it, there are three things that will ensure success; an unwavering determination, eating less, and exercising more. I noticed you all ate twice as much as I did at both lunch and evening meal. You’re growing, so you do need a little more, but only if you’re very active.’

‘What sort of exercise?’

‘Whatever you enjoy. Walking is excellent. Set yourself a target of ten kilometres every day. Never use your bike or accept lifts in cars if you could walk. Always run up stairs and never take lifts. Offer to do the shopping, take out the rubbish. Look for ways to exercise instead of sitting around. I don’t mean team sports. I dislike them and imagine you do too. They don’t make you fit, they only turn you into cogs in a machine. Players have to get fit in their own time by jogging for hours and lifting weights in a gymnasium.’

‘Should I do that?’

‘Waste of money. All four of you should ride your bikes together into the country, then go for long walks till you think you can’t walk a step further, and then walk another kilometre. Challenge yourselves. Do a few press-ups and lift rocks. Be active and work up a sweat at least once a day, and with a smaller food intake you’ll be slim and handsome in no time. If you feel hungry, drink a few cups of water—never sweet soft drinks, and don’t confuse dehydration with losing fat. Drink plenty if you’re sweating.’

‘I’d like to have muscles as hard as yours.’

‘You will if you put your mind to it.’

‘What does it feel like, being so… so tough and strong?’

‘And hairy,’ Robert added with a grin.

‘It feels as if I can do anything, go anywhere and never feel ashamed or frightened. I used to be frightened when I was your age; I wasn’t so tough then, and there were a lot of bullies in my neighbourhood, but now I’m my own master.’

‘Is your father strong?’

‘He used to tell me to punch him in the stomach. It was like punching a wooden board, and he would bunch up his biceps and make us laugh when it moved. He’s a tough man, but not affectionate. Never hugged or kissed like a real father should.’

‘Neither do our parents. We all go to the same church and fathers have to be firm and mothers have to obey them. All expression of emotions, you know, like holding hands, kissing, even laughing in public is forbidden. The men sit on one side, the women on the other and we kids at the back. If we laugh or talk we’re called up the front to be criticised.’

‘Yeah, Adrian was stood up in front of everyone for the whole service two weeks ago because his mother caught him playing with himself. The minister told everyone and we all had to pray for his soul.’

Adrian blushed, but said nothing.

‘When you say, playing with himself, I suppose you mean masturbating?’

Nervous smiles. ‘Yeah. We nearly wet ourselves when you talked about it before.’

‘But you all do it?’

They looked at each other in despair. ‘No,’ Arthur said finally, ‘I don’t, but I’ve had a wet dream. Luckily I was wearing thick pyjamas.’

‘Do you really wank?’ Adrian and Henry asked together?

‘Started when I was eleven and haven’t stopped.’

Jarek wondered why he was telling the boys this. He’d not told anyone about his childhood before, imagining that if he didn't think about the emptiness, lack of affection and neglect that had poisoned his childhood, he’d eventually get over it. Maybe it was still bugging him and was the reason he wasn’t prepared to commit to a relationship. Why he felt he couldn’t love. Conceivably, he was using these camps as an excuse to exorcise his own demons. By presenting the kids with alternative ways of looking at their world was he really trying to help himself?

‘Can I feel your muscles?’ Henry asked nervously. ‘My Dad’s all soft and jelly like. Never does any exercise. You’re the only man I know who’s tough and strong. All the church people are sort of soft—you know?’

Now they wanted to touch him! Just as he’d desperately wanted to touch one of his teachers and be touched by him. Not sexually, just to know that someone liked him enough to touch would have made him happy. Sadly, no one had. Skin hungry was the term. People who haven’t had enough affectionate touching, cuddling, stroking and physical contact as children became cold, unlovely and unlovable. He looked at the four boys. They were an unattractive bunch, but pleasant enough. He felt not the slightest sexual attraction; and it was obvious they didn’t either—all they wanted was to know they weren’t untouchable, like biblical lepers.

Jarek took a deep breath, flexed his muscles and grinned. ‘Sure, feel free, pun intended. My stomach muscles are the toughest, if you punch them you’ll break your wrist. Go on, don’t be shy.’ He tensed his abs, flexed his chest and biceps and contracted his thigh muscles. Perhaps, he rationalised, if he let them experience what a healthy body felt like, it might reinforce their desire to do something for themselves about their decadent physiques; although he was honest enough to admit it was a real ego boost to be admired.

‘Don’t be shy, just pretend I’m a stone sculpture.’

Tentatively, they touched his belly, became more daring and rubbed soft hands over his chest, then with inoffensive curiosity felt his thighs and buttocks, squeezed his biceps and giggled as they tried to prevent him from bending his arms. Robert then landed a punch on his abdomen and squealed in shock. ‘It’s like concrete!’

‘That’s enough for tonight, I think,’ Jarek said with an easy smile, careful not to sound critical and spoil their innocent daring.

‘Thanks, Jarek,’ Arthur said seriously. ‘Now I understand the difference between a healthy body and mine. I promise I’m really going to try to get slimmer and healthy.’

‘I’m sure you will, you’re a determined fellow when you set your mind to it. OK, then, Time for bed. Swimming at dawn, and the rule about no compulsion is firm. You only do and wear what you’re comfortable with, is that clear? I want the next four days to be even better for you than today. Sleep well.’

‘Night, Jarek, and thanks.’

Jarek felt strangely happy. His students had trusted him with their secrets, and he had entrusted some of his to them. Nevertheless it was a very fine line he was treading—not with the boys, they understood; the danger lay with their parents. At some stage he must make clear that secrets from parents are essential if a child is to grow up independent.

‘You were a long time?’

‘They wanted to talk.’

‘Problems?’

‘No. Just excited about tomorrow,’

‘You’re a soft touch.’

‘I’m afraid you’re right.’

They lay on the bed, cuddled, kissed and felt perfectly at ease.

‘I like what we do. It relaxes, excites and leaves me contented’ Zeno said sleepily. ‘Mind you, when I think of Cador’s cute bum I do feel a certain urge.’

‘Eros?’

‘Perhaps, but you’ll always be my special friend.’

‘And you mine.’