Bleating Off - 8. Introducing Lockwood and Lamonte

“You want me to do what?” The voice came from the back of the theatre and sounded all too familiar.

I had been on my way across the stage to hand music I would be auditioning with to the man I guessed to be the musical director. A young man, possibly a stage hand sped past me. He slipped a sheaf of papers across the piano to the pianist and ran off the stage into the seats. When I reached the piano I offered my music, but the pianist handed me a sheet of words.

"You'll be singing these three song. Brandon." He said. "Gordie requested it." I browsed the words on the page... I hooded my eyes with a hand to mask the glare to get a look into the seats.

“You want me to do what?” I fumed and realized my words matched those of...

'Here we go.' I thought.

He sat in the back row of the theater. The director, a couple of choice looking stage hands and what I figured to be the female lead sat surrounding him. He was pompous, fully imbued with self love and practically exuded the I'm so important I won't even notice your in the room attitude.

I'd crossed swords with him a few times. In fact we actually had a duel onstage several seasons back in a pitiful attempt at a revival of Roxanne. The play was almost enjoyable. Working with the most glowing star on Broadway, Tyler Lockwood, was something else: something most dreadful and demeaning. I often had trouble bringing myself to smile when the script called for it.

I continued to peer up at my audience. Ty and The director, Gordon Frenks were now huddled together. Ty looked down at me, Gordon laughed.

"All right." I heard Gordon say, "Go for it."

Tyler ran down the aisle and up the end steps onto the stage.

"Dennis." He told the pianist, huffing from his sprint, "could you maybe take five?"

"It's Gordy's dime, so sure."

"Brandon, sugar...how are you?"

"Sugar?" I quizzed. "We work together in three plays and four TV movies. The whole time I'm pretty much invisible to you. I get a little notoriety and suddenly it's sugar."

"Forget I said the sugar...how are you, baby?" I laughed.

"Good Ty. I'm good.

But I'm confused Mr. Lockwood. The play I signed on for was Rear Window, the musical."

"And?" Ty looked at me.

"My audition songs are “Rose's Turn” from Gypsy, and Beyonce’s “Put a Ring On it”…PAH-LEEZ!"

Ty grinned broadly. "You forgot “His Love Makes Me Beautiful” from Funny Girl."

He chuckled, and I sputtered a small laugh.

I speak loudly:

"What am I auditioning for Stella, the nurse, or Lt Doyle?" Gordon and his gang in the back all cracked up.

"Or Lisa Fremont?" Ty suggested.

"No, its Thornwald." Gordie call down to us.

Ty looked at me, smiled faintly and continued.

"I really enjoyed working with you before, Brandon…can I call you Bran?"

"Yeah, Ty. You may call me Bran." I gave him a cherubic smile.

"This is much nicer. Isn't it." He smiled at me.

"It sure is.!" I said. "So much better than Roxanne, or that dreadful revival of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels"

"We were good together in Roxanne, but…" he turned to peer out in the seats. "No offense Gordie, but your brother Jordan was not right for that play."

"Hah" Gordon Franks yelled. "My brother couldn't find north with a compass stapled to his nose."

We both laughed.

"That first day of rehearsals for Dirty Rotten…that tap scene, you remember, Bran?"

"Yeah." I guffaw at the thought. "We were blocking for the tap number and I stomped all over your flip flop clad feet."

"I had bruises down there for a week." He laughed. "See, we had fun. Admit it."

"It was okay." He elbowed me lightly.

"What song did you bring to audition Bran?"

"I was going to sing Send in the Clowns, but since you're up here, I have just the song and you can help." I turned to face the director.

"Pardon me for a second while i get my music, Mr. Frenks."

"Gordon. We'll be doing another song. Its something Brandon brought." Ty shouts.

"You'll do great." He yelled back.

A young girl steps out onto stage from the side, carrying a brief case.

"Thanks Sara." I tell my niece.

"My niece Sara Lamont."

I opened the case and handed music to the re-seated Dennis, and returned to stand center stage. Ty approached. I handed him a single sheet.

"What's this?" He eyed the page a minute. "Okay. I get it."

"Yeah, you ought to...You know Ty." I say to him. "There was a time I wanted nothing more than for you to bend me backwards and kiss the holy crap out of me."

I let him think for a minute.

"Ever since we did the duet on Glee, I've learned always to look for a milk mustache or sniff for the pungent aroma of tuna fish on your breath before I smile."

I smiled and patted his arm. He smiled sheepishly.

"Now help out here….." I said.

The pianist played the intro. I heard the director and his chorus break up at the music. We began the song centered around two 18year old Mormon boys about to head out as missionaries. One overzealous and self centered idealist, and the other an oft times loser.

.     .     .

Me

"Every hero needs a sidekick,

Every captain needs his mate,"

Ty

"Aye, aye!"

Me

Every dinner has its side dish

Ty

On a slightly smaller plate

Us

And as long as we stick together

Ty

And I stay out of your way

Me

OUT OF MY WAY!

Us

We can change the world together

And make tomorrow a latter day

Me

MOSTLY ME! ¹

The song continued to its conclusion. The pianist stopped playing the lights dimmed and I heard applause and cheers from backstage and from the seats.

"I guess they like us." Ty said.

We both blurted, "but mostly me."

¹ (Excerpted from You and Me (But Mostly Me) from The Book of Mormon: currently playing at the Eugene O’neal Theater, 230 w 49th, New York NY Words and music by Trey Parker, Robert Lopez and Matt Stone.)