Severely Moonstruck - 10. An Elixir to Induce Euphoria

Remus did not return to Hogwarts in good spirits. Towards the end of the holidays, his mother’s condition took a turn for the worse, and she was bedridden until he left. He didn’t want to leave, wanted to stay and take care of her, but she told him in no uncertain terms that he was to finish his education, no matter what, and that having one Lupin fussing over her was quite enough, thank you.

In the end, he had relented, if only because he longed to see Severus. And he got his wish the moment he stepped off the train. It was almost as if Severus had been waiting for him, and Remus walked towards him, with more haste than was perhaps quite necessary.

‘Hi,’ he said breathlessly, when he reached him.

‘Hello, Remus,’ Severus replied, with his almost smile.

They walked towards the horseless carriages together in silence, climbing aboard one with a pair of fourth year Ravenclaw girls. They didn’t say much to each other, and when they arrived outside the great hall, they were forced to separate again, and make their way to their respective house tables for dinner.

‘Meet me in the library?’ Severus murmured, before they parted.

Remus nodded. ‘Yeah. See you there.’

He could not finish his dinner quickly enough, ignoring the conversations that took place around him. Neither, it seemed, could Severus, because when Remus got to the library, he was already there, waiting. He wasn’t even pretending to study, and just sat at their corner table, doing nothing at all.

‘You’re here,’ he said when Remus approached.

‘Yes,’ said Remus, in barely more than a whisper. Now that they were alone together, all he wanted to do was fall into Severus’s arms, though he knew he had to hold back on that impulse.

Severus frowned. ‘Are you all right?’

Remus shook his head and sat down, hands on the table. ‘Not really. My . . . My mum is ill. Has been for a long time. The healers at St. Mungo’s don’t know how to help her. Muggle doctors don’t know how to help her. And, it got worse. A couple of days ago.’

‘Your mother’s a muggle?’ Severus asked, and Remus nodded. ‘So is my father. Though if he fell ill, I . . . probably wouldn’t care very much.’

‘Well, I care.’ Remus stared at the table, focusing on the fibre of the wood. ‘My mum is the most caring, sweet, wonderful person on Earth. She understands me. I can talk to her about anything, and she never judges me. Not even for—’ He cut himself off and swallowed. ‘Not for anything.’

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Severus move a fraction. He glanced at him to see him raise his hand, reach out half way, hesitate. Then he placed his hand on top of Remus’s, and squeezed it gently.

‘I’m sorry.’

Remus took a breath, sighed, and covered Severus’s hand with his other one. ‘How about you? Are you all right?’

Severus looked away and shrugged. ‘I suppose. Better than you, anyway.’

‘Just cause I feel like shit doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to complain, you know,’ said Remus. ‘So, how are you really doing? If you want to tell me, that is.’

Severus sighed. ‘I do. Christmas at my house . . . Well. Put it this way, my father is not a kind man. Christmas, he gets drunk, has a go at Mother, gets violent . . .’ His lip curled, and there was self loathing in his voice. ‘I’m a man now, as tall as he is, but I’m still too afraid to do anything. I’m a coward.’

Remus shook his head. ‘No. No, Severus, you’re not. Don’t think that. Trying to stand up to your parents, it . . . It can’t be easy.’

Severus took his hand away and pulled back his left sleeve. There was a bruise there, around his wrist and lower forearm. Finger marks.

‘Oh . . . Severus, I’m so sorry.’ Remus reached out his hand hesitantly and touched his fingertips to the bruise. Severus didn’t flinch, but he closed his eyes for a moment.

It occurred to Remus that, with his skill at Potions, Severus could have easily cured that bruise with a paste or a poultice. He chose not to. Did he keep it as some sort of reminder? Remus didn’t dare ask.

Severus let out a breath, followed by a short, humourless laugh as he opened his eyes and looked at Remus again. ‘Looks like we’re both feeling miserable. A fine pair we make.’

Remus pulled his hand back. He wanted to do something. Hold Severus’s hand, kiss him again, but they hadn’t even talked about that yet, and he didn’t want to push his luck. Severus was like a skittish, wild animal. He needed to be handled with care, or he would run away.

‘We should probably go and try to get some sleep,’ said Severus at last. ‘Back to lessons tomorrow.’

Remus nodded, trying to mask his disappointment by looking down at the table again. ‘Yeah. You’re right.’

‘Remus,’ said Severus, and Remus looked up at him again. ‘Thank you. For the quill. It’s beautiful.’

‘You’re welcome.’ Remus smiled. ‘Thank you, for the sweets and the potion.’

‘Trifles,’ said Severus, waving his hand dismissively. ‘I would like to give you a better gift, if you’ll let me.’

‘You don’t have to.’

‘I want to.’ Severus seemed to search Remus’s face, and Remus nodded. ‘Meet me in the Potions dungeon tomorrow evening, after dinner.’

‘I . . . All right.’

Severus smiled. Remus felt like that smile was a secret smile, reserved for him alone. It made him feel happy and sad all at once. Severus stood up. ‘Goodnight, Remus.’

Remus returned his smile. ‘Goodnight, Severus.’

* * *

‘Hey,’ said James when Remus entered the dormitory. ‘You disappeared after dinner. Where did you go?’

Remus allowed himself a glance in Sirius’s direction. He appeared to be unpacking. He hadn’t talked about Severus much with him in the room. He wasn’t sure he should start now.

‘Library,’ he said, simply.

‘First night back, and you’re already in the library?’ Peter laughed. ‘Did you miss studying that much, Moony?’

Remus shrugged. ‘Just needed to look something up.’

‘Fair enough,’ said James, clearly sensing Remus’s reluctance to talk about it further.

‘Did you and Lily keep in touch over Christmas?’ asked Remus, changing the subject. ‘I mean, you’ve been attached at the hip past couple of months. Can’t have been easy, being apart for two weeks.’

James grinned, blushing slightly. ‘We did. We, er . . . we actually met up. It was nice.’

Remus smiled. ‘Bet it was. I’m happy for you.’

He began getting ready for bed. When he came back from brushing his teeth and was about to get into bed, Sirius spoke to him for the first time in weeks.

‘Hey . . . Remus . . .’

Remus froze. Then he took a deep breath and turned towards him. ‘Yes?’ He felt like his voice sounded strange, and he clasped his hands to stop them from trembling.

Sirius tried to catch his eye, but Remus looked away, clenching his jaw. In the end, Sirius gave up and said, ‘I’m sorry. I miss you, I . . . I want things to go back to the way they were. Please, just . . . forgive me?’

Remus sighed, shaking his head. ‘No. Sirius, I’m not ready to forgive you yet. And if or when I do, I need you to know that things will never go back to the way they were. I don’t want them to. The way things were, it hurt. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. Understand?’

Sirius hung his head. ‘Yeah. Okay. I’ll just . . . leave you alone, I guess.’

‘That would be best.’ Remus turned his back on him and climbed into bed, pulling the curtains around him. He knew, rationally, that he didn’t owe Sirius anything. He didn’t owe him forgiveness. So why did he feel so guilty?

* * *

The first day of lessons passed without incident, and after dinner, Remus made his way down to the dungeons. Severus was waiting for him outside the classroom. ‘Good. You’re here.’ He opened the door, and closed it behind them once Remus had stepped inside.

‘Is this allowed?’ asked Remus.

Severus shrugged. ‘Probably not for most, but I have permission from Slughorn. He says I can come here and brew potions whenever I like.’ He walked over to a table with a cauldron, where ingredients were already laid out. ‘So, I thought we could brew one together.’

Remus smiled. ‘All right, what are we brewing?’

‘We made it during a full moon last year, so you weren’t there. But perhaps you can deduce from the ingredients?’

Remus approached the table. There was shrivelfig, wormwood, sopophorus beans . . . ‘Elixir to Induce Euphoria?’

Severus’s face broke into a smile. ‘Correct. Well done. Incendio!’ He lit the fire under the cauldron with a wave of his wand. ‘Remember how I told you I was trying to improve it? Well, I’ve been experimenting with the peppermint over Christmas, and I think I’ve found just the right balance.’ He looked so pleased with himself, so happy to have accomplished this and be able to show it off to Remus.

Remus rolled up his sleeves, grinning. ‘All right. Tell me what to do.’

They worked in comfortable silence, broken only by Severus’s instructions. He didn’t even have the recipe in front of him. It appeared that he already knew it by heart. Remus kept getting distracted, watching Severus work. He looked so at home, adding ingredients to the cauldron, stirring it with a flourish. It was elegant, the way he worked. Like a dance.

When it was finished, he poured it into several small vials, and handed one to Remus. ‘Time to test it. To your health.’ He drained his own vial, and Remus followed suit.

It was sweet and pleasant, still warm, and Remus felt his spirits lift immediately. He saw it do the same for Severus, saw his smile widen and his black eyes twinkle. He looked beautiful just then. Remus giggled.

‘I thought we deserved something nice,’ said Severus, ‘after everything that’s happened. A little bit of happiness, however artificial.’

Had Remus not been completely euphoric, those words might have made him feel sad. But instead he laughed out loud, sitting down in a chair.

‘How do you feel?’ Severus asked.

‘I feel amazing!’ Remus grinned at him. ‘I feel like everything is just . . . good. You know?’

Severus nodded. ‘That’s how I feel, too.’ He sat as well, in a chair facing Remus, leaning back and letting out a contented sigh. He closed his eyes.

Suddenly, Remus’s heart was pounding in his chest. They still hadn’t talked about the kiss, but right now . . . Severus looked so happy and beautiful and at peace. And Remus felt brave.

‘Hey, Severus?’

‘Mhm?’

‘If I kiss you now, will you run away?’ Remus’s heart raced as he said it.

Severus’s smile widened. ‘I won’t run away.’

Remus licked his lips nervously. ‘Do . . . do you want me to? Kiss you, I mean.’

Severus opened his eyes and fixed Remus with a penetrating gaze. ‘It’s all I’ve thought about all Christmas.’ His deep voice was soft and melodious.

And so, Remus pulled his chair closer to Severus’s, leaned forward, and kissed him. It was chaste, and tasted like the potion, sweet and a little bit spicy. Severus kissed him back. Then he stood and pulled Remus to his feet. He sat Remus down on a table, so they were positioned as they had been in that empty classroom, on the night of Slughorn’s party,

They kissed the way they had then. Cautiously, but nevertheless with feeling, and with want. When at last they pulled back a little, Severus rested his forehead against Remus’s.

‘I’m sorry I ran. I was a coward. I . . . I wanted it, so badly. I was just afraid.’

Remus stroked Severus’s cheek, ran his thumb along his bottom lip. ‘Shh. It’s all right, I understand. You don’t have to apologise.’ Then he kissed him again, deeper this time. It was more demanding than the last, but no less giving. Remus breathed in Severus’s scent. It made him feel dizzy, disoriented, and deeply aroused. Where he stood between Remus’s legs, surely the other could tell. Remus put his arms around him, pulled him closer. Severus moaned softly.

They should slow down. They were high on the elixir, no matter how much the peppermint dampened the side effects. Remus wanted to touch Severus, feel his skin, get closer, closer. But they had to take it slow. If this was just an effect of the potion . . . His rational mind told him to be careful.

After another few minutes of this, they pulled apart again, and Remus laughed. ‘Is this really happening?’

‘Mm-hm.’ Severus smiled. ‘It is.’

‘And it’s not just because . . . because of the potion?’

Severus shook his head. ‘The potion makes it easier. You know, to be . . . brave enough to do this. But I meant what I said. I’ve been thinking about it all Christmas. I’m just . . . I’m so drawn to you. I can’t help it.’

‘I . . . I feel the same way,’ said Remus breathlessly. ‘You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this. It feels . . . right. It just feels right, somehow. Doesn’t it?’

Severus nodded, and kissed him again. ‘I think I’m coming down,’ he whispered against Remus’s lips.

Remus took a moment to consider his own condition. His current happiness did not feel like the effects of the elixir. ‘Yeah, me too.’ He paused, licking his lips. ‘And do you . . . do you still want—’

‘I’m not running away.’ As if to prove it, Severus gave him another brief kiss. ‘See? I’m not going anywhere. I want this.’

Remus’s heart swelled, and he thought he might cry. He leaned in, buried his face in Severus’s shoulder, breathed him in. He brought a hand up, brushed the hair away from Severus’s neck, and placed a gentle kiss just below his ear. Severus gasped, and leaned into it.

‘Is this okay?’ Remus whispered, and Severus nodded. Remus kissed that spot again, this time adding a little lick with his tongue, and Severus moaned softly. Remus kissed his way along his jaw, to capture his lips again. He wanted so much. Had never wanted anyone this way before. He needed this.

And Severus kissed him back, licking into his mouth, drawing a moan from Remus’s lips and causing him to pull him even closer.

Closer. If he could only get closer. It was all he could do not to start undressing Severus. Remus was breathing hard through his nose. He was desperately turned on; wanted, needed Severus, right now. In the end he had to pull himself away, a hand on Severus’s chest.

‘We . . . we have to slow down.’

Severus pulled back at once. ‘Are you all right, Remus?’

Remus shivered at the sound of his name. ‘Yes. I’m fine, I just . . .’ He released a breathless laugh. ‘You don’t know what this is doing to me.’

Severus smiled. ‘I’m quite certain I do, actually.’

‘Then you know why we have to slow down. Because I don’t think we’re ready yet. Either of us.’ He searched Severus’s face, their eyes meeting once more.

The other sighed. ‘No. You’re right. It just . . . I don’t want to stop.’

Looking at him now, Remus noticed that Severus’s face was flushed, his breathing uneven and ragged, and he realised that Severus was just as excited as he was. Remus ran his fingers through Severus’s hair, and Severus closed his eyes with a soft moan, barely more than a sigh.

‘I don’t want to stop, either. But we should take our time with this. We have plenty of it.’

Severus nodded. ‘Yes. I just want to . . . make up for the time we lost. We should have done this a long time ago.’ It was clear he couldn’t keep away, his lips brushing against Remus’s. ‘I . . . I care about you, Remus.’

Remus smiled. ‘I know. I care about you. A lot.’ He blushed. ‘You know, I always knew you weren’t as cold as you made yourself out to be. You hide it well, your kindness.’

Severus shook his head. ‘I am not kind. But you are. You bring it out in me, you know. It’s easy to be kind to you, because you don’t judge anyone. Not even me. If your description is anything to go by, you get that from your mother. So, thank you.’

Remus kissed him again, softer and more gently this time. ‘It’s late,’ he whispered.

‘Yes.’

‘We should go to our common rooms.’

‘We should.’

They stayed there another half hour, just kissing.