Severely Moonstruck - 9. Essence of Murtlap

Severus did not speak to Remus again before the Christmas holidays were upon them, and Remus failed to find him in the crowds at Hogsmeade station or on Platform Nine and Three Quarters. He wanted to give him the Christmas present he had bought for him on the last Hogsmeade weekend of the term, a beautiful eagle feather quill that had cost him more than he should probably have spent. But Severus was nowhere to be seen, and Remus was forced to admit defeat. He said goodbye to James and Peter, ignoring Sirius who stood nearby, and went home with his father.

‘Are you all right, Remus?’ his father asked him, as they walked up the garden path to their house. ‘You look . . . a bit down.’

Remus shrugged. ‘I’m okay. Just tired. It’s been an exhausting term.’

His father hesitated for a moment. ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you and Sirius didn’t say goodbye to one another.’

Remus sighed. ‘Yeah. We’re not speaking, currently.’

‘What happened?’ His father frowned.

‘Lots of things. Look, I don’t want to talk about it right now, okay?’

‘Okay. As long as you’re all right.’

‘I’m fine.’ Remus smiled. ‘Really. I’m all right.’

The Lupins lived in a run down cottage that lay miles away from the nearest town. They had lived there for over five years, which was probably some kind of record. The fact that Remus was only there for two to three full moons out of the year had probably helped with that.

‘Hope?’ his father called when they entered the kitchen. ‘We’re home!’

There were slow footsteps on the stairs, and then Remus’s mother appeared in the doorway. ‘Welcome home, Remus!’ She smiled brightly, but she looked small and tired.

‘Mum!’ Remus dropped his trunk and went to embrace her. ‘You didn’t need to get up, you know. Are you feeling okay?’

She chuckled. ‘I’m fine, baby. Don’t you worry about me! Come on, let’s go sit, you have to tell me all about your term!’ She turned to her husband. ‘Lyall, I got started on dinner. Would you mind working your magic, please?’ She smiled.

‘Of course.’ Lyall Lupin kissed his wife on the cheek and turned towards the kitchen counters.

Remus walked into the sitting room with his mother. The tree was up, a lovely spruce covered in magical decorations curtesy of Remus’s father, no doubt. The whole thing sparkled. They sat down on the sofa.

‘Now,’ she said. ‘How was term? I mean, how was it really? Can’t help feeling you were holding back a lot in your letters.’

His mother could always see right through him, and Remus smiled sadly, looking down at his hands. ‘It was . . . I’ve had a bit of a time of it, I suppose.’ He met her eyes. ‘Sirius and I are . . . I mean, we’re no longer speaking.’

‘Why? Did something happen?’

Remus worked his jaw for a few moments, unsure of what he should say, how much he ought to reveal. She would know if there was something he wasn’t telling her. Not that he had an obligation to share every detail of his personal life with his mother, frankly that would be weird, but even so, they had always been close. He didn’t want to lie to her.

He sighed. ‘I dunno if . . . So, here’s the thing. Sirius and I, we were . . .’ He paused, frowning, not knowing how to say it. Boyfriends? They had never been that. Lovers? Involved?

‘Together?’ his mother supplied, and he looked up at her in surprise. ‘What, you think I never realised?’ She smiled. ‘All summer, every summer for the past four or five years it’s been Sirius this, Sirius that. He always seemed like a nice boy.’

Remus scoffed, looking away again. ‘Yeah. He seemed that way.’

‘So, what happened?’

Remus shrugged. ‘Sirius never really felt the same way about me as I did about him, I guess. We were involved but I think it meant something different to him than it did to me. Meant less. So I tried to stop things from going further. Then I started making friends with Severus, and Sirius kind of hates him, so . . . I guess he got jealous, and it all escalated, and now we don’t talk anymore. I don’t know, Mum, it’s all a mess.’

‘And what about Severus?’ she asked. ‘Did Sirius have a reason to be jealous?’

Remus was silent for a moment. Then he said, ‘Not at first.’

His mother smiled and ran her fingers through his hair. ‘But now?’

‘I . . . I have feelings for Severus. We kind of . . . kissed, a couple of days ago.’ He blushed. ‘But then he freaked out, and I haven’t talked to him since.’ Remus rested his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands with another heavy sigh. ‘I have the worst luck with boys. Could I just fall in love with a girl for once?’

His mother laughed. ‘That wouldn’t necessarily be any less complicated, you know.’

Remus looked at her. ‘How come you’re not freaking out about this, anyway?’

She shrugged. ‘I’ve known people. Had friends, even. It’s not that uncommon. And besides, I figured it out ages ago. I’ve had time.’ She gave his shoulder a good squeeze. ‘Besides, you’re my son. I love you, and I just want you to be happy.’

He smiled. ‘I love you too, Mum.’

* * *

After dinner, Remus borrowed his father’s owl (which, thankfully, was finished delivering Christmas cards and presents) and attached Severus’s present to its leg. The quill came in a pretty box, with a decorative vial of ink, and he had wrapped it in black paper with silver stars on it. He had also written a note, which he put in an envelope and attached to the parcel.

Dear Severus,

I hope this finds you well, and that you’re enjoying your Christmas. I’m sorry about how we left things. I tried to look for you before leaving for the holidays, but I suppose you didn’t want to see me, and that’s okay. I hope we can talk face to face when we’re back at Hogwarts and work everything out. I don’t want to lose our friendship.

Merry Christmas.

Remus

It was the best he could do. The thought that the friendship they had could be thrown away over a kiss was far more painful to him than his feelings being unrequited. He could live with that. It wouldn’t be the first time.

The following day was the day before Christmas Eve. There was much to do, and Remus spent the day cleaning and tidying. At the end of it, he was exhausted, and went to bed early, but did not fall asleep. Last night he had slept almost at once, but he had no such luck now. He lay staring at the ceiling for a long time, until he heard something tapping on the window. Getting up, he discovered that it was the owl, returned from its delivery with a letter and a small parcel tied to its leg. He took them eagerly, opening the letter.

Dear Remus,

I wish to apologise. As you can no doubt imagine, I am not particularly good at apologies, but I will give it my best.

I am sorry. I was afraid, and I ran away. It was unfair of me not to talk to you, to avoid you. You deserved much, much better than that. And please believe me when I say that there is nothing you need apologise for. It was my fault.

My Christmas so far is going about as well as can be expected, which is to say not very well at all. My parents fight, and I mostly sit in my room brewing potions and practicing magic. And I know that you are now feeling sorry for me. There is no need. We both have difficulties in our lives. You and I should not pity one another.

Thank you for the gift. I shall open it on Christmas Day. I have sent a little something back to you. It is mostly symbolic, but given that there is a full moon in just a few days, it ought to at least be useful.

I will see you at Hogwarts, and we will talk.

Merry Christmas.

Severus

Remus smiled. He was fairly certain you could count the people Severus Snape had ever apologised to on one hand. He was a member of an exclusive club. It made him feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy. He reread the letter. Clearly, Severus knew him quite well by now. The thought of Severus alone in his room at Christmas made his heart ache for him. That feeling, however, was overpowered by the sheer joy of knowing that they would talk when they got back to Hogwarts, properly.

He wanted to write him back at once, but decided he at least ought to wait a couple of days. If he sent it on Christmas Day, after opening Severus’s gift, he could call it a thank you note, and he would feel less like a besotted school boy. Not that he wasn’t, in fact, a besotted school boy.

Remus took a deep breath, forced the thought from his mind. Severus apologising did not necessarily translate to them becoming more than friends, kiss or no kiss. He put the letter down, stroked the soft feathers on the owl’s head a couple of times, and got back into bed. This time, he slept.

* * *

On Christmas morning, Remus came downstairs to find Christmas presents piled under the tree. A fire was roaring in the fireplace, the wireless was playing Christmas carols, and his parents sat on the sofa drinking hot chocolate. There was a mug for him on the coffee table.

‘Merry Christmas, Remus,’ said his father.

‘Merry Christmas!’ Remus grinned and sat down, taking a sip of his hot chocolate.

They got started on the presents. Remus opened the one from Severus first. It contained a small bar of Honeyduke’s chocolate, a liquorice wand, and . . .

‘Is that a potion?’ asked his mother, intrigued. Even after nearly nineteen years of marriage to a wizard, she was always filled with such childlike wonder whenever she was presented with a magical artefact or saw a spell being worked.

Remus nodded. ‘Yeah.’ It was a small vial, and it was full of orange liquid. He knew exactly what it was. ‘It’s Invigoration Draught. Severus always . . . He gives it to me after the full moon.’

‘Ah.’ His father nodded. ‘So he figured it out.’

Remus shrugged. ‘He’s very clever. I think I would almost have been disappointed if he hadn’t.’ He pulled the stopper, gave it a sniff. Then he turned to his mother. ‘Here.’ He held out the vial. ‘You should have some.’

She smiled and shook her head. ‘You save it, sweetheart. You’ll need it in a few days.’

‘Yeah, but we can share it.’

‘No,’ she said, firmly but kindly. ‘I understand why you’d want to, but I’m all right without it. Okay?’

Remus sighed and nodded, stoppering the vial again. ‘Yeah. Okay.’