Severely Moonstruck - 7. Potion for Dreamless Sleep

Remus returned to the dormitory in the wee hours of the morning, sneaking inside as quietly as he could. The others were all asleep, and, forcing himself not to look at Sirius where he snoozed in his bed, he got into his own bed and closed the curtains. He didn’t fall asleep again until the others had all got up and left the room. He couldn’t bring himself to attend lessons today.

Around lunch time, the door to the dormitory opened again, rousing Remus from the light sleep he had managed to achieve. ‘Moony? Are you in here?’ It was James’s voice, and Remus sat up, pulling the curtain away enough that he could see him. He was alone. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Not really.’

James gave him a pained smile. ‘I told McGonagall you’re ill today, but she said you should go to the hospital wing if so. She’s threatening you with detention. Sorry.’

Remus shrugged. ‘Fine by me. I’ll take the detention.’

‘Moony, you’re a prefect.’ James sighed. He sat down at the edge of Remus’s bed. ‘Hey . . . About Sirius—’

Remus shuddered and looked away. ‘James, I can’t . . . Please, tell him to stay away from me.’

James nodded. ‘I will. I get it. I mean, I don’t quite get it, but I understand that you wouldn’t want him near you after . . .’ He looked away, awkwardly. ‘Like I said before, I don’t know much about your . . . relationship, if that’s even the correct term. But it seems like it’s gone really bad, and that’s not okay.’ His eyes met Remus’s again. ‘It’s not okay, what he did.’

Remus felt a surge of gratitude, and without thinking he flung his arms around James’s neck, and then the tears came. James put his arms around him in turn, a bit awkwardly, perhaps, and held him until his sobs subsided.

Pulling away again, Remus looked down at his hands. ‘I keep thinking if only I hadn’t . . . If I’d stayed away from Severus this would never have—’

‘Hey!’ said James sharply. ‘This is not your fault. Not in any way, you understand? I’m not a fan of Snape’s, and I don’t get why you’re friends, but you should be able to hang out with whomever you damn well please without Sirius throwing a hissy fit, and there is nothing, nothing, that excuses what happened last night!’

Remus nodded. He struggled with believing it. As angry and disappointed and, frankly, scared he was of Sirius at the moment, he couldn’t help but feel like he himself was to blame. For letting Sirius do whatever he wanted for so long, for not setting clear boundaries, for not properly asking what it meant to him. For loving him in spite of everything. For not loving him anymore. Did he not love him anymore?

‘Go see Madam Pomfrey.’ James’s voice was stern, but kind. ‘She can give you something to calm you, something for the anxiety. At the very least, she can help you not get detention for missing an entire day’s worth of lessons. As I assume you’re not planning on attending the afternoon ones either?’ Remus gave a non-committal grunt. ‘Come on. Get dressed, I’ll go with you.’

* * *

Remus declined Madam Pomfrey’s offer of a potion, but she accepted his illness at face value, and given that the next day would be his last day before his monthly sick leave, gave him that day off, too. When he returned from the hospital wing, he found an owl waiting on his bed. He took the note it carried and read it.

Remus,

I noted your absence today with some concern, as it is a bit early in the lunar cycle for your usual absence. I hope you are all right. If you are feeling up to it, meet me in the library after dinner tonight. Otherwise, please respond to this note so I know you’re okay.

Severus

It made Remus smile, and a warmth blossomed inside him. He really, really wanted to see him. Digging a scrap of parchment and a quill out of his bag, he wrote a reply.

Severus,

I’ve been better, though I’m all right physically. It’s hard to explain in writing. But I’m okay. I’d love to meet you tonight.

Love,

Remus

He’d written the ‘love’ without even thinking, and considered rewriting the note. But ‘love’ at the end of a letter didn’t have to mean ‘I love you’, right? He let it stand, and sent it back with the owl after feeding her a treat.

* * *

He considered skipping dinner, but went in the end. Sirius did not sit with them. James had made it clear that he wasn’t welcome. Remus was grateful, but it also made him feel oddly guilty, as much as he knew that it shouldn’t. As much as he knew that Sirius was the one at fault.

Afterwards, he headed to the library, where he found Severus in their usual corner. Severus gave him his almost smile as he approached, and there was something else in his eyes, too. Relief?

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked as Remus sat down.

‘I’m okay.’

‘What happened?’

Remus glanced at Severus and gave him a small smile. ‘It . . . It doesn’t matter.’

Severus nodded. ‘You don’t have to talk to me. If you don’t want to. But . . . you can.’

Remus sighed. ‘Okay. It’s really . . . I had a fight, last night. With Sirius. It . . .’ He drew a deep breath, not sure how to proceed, how much to tell. He couldn’t tell all of it, he knew that.

‘A fight with Black? How surprising,’ Severus scoffed. ‘He is so known for his diplomatic nature.’

‘It’s not . . .’ Remus licked his lips. Then he looked Severus in the eye. ‘He hurt me. I just, I had to leave. I slept in the Prefect’s bathroom. Not especially well, mind you. So today I was . . . tired, and anxious.’

Severus frowned. ‘He hit you?’

Remus looked away. ‘Not exactly.’

‘You . . .’ Severus seemed to hesitate. ‘There’s a bruise. There, on . . .’

Remus felt Severus’s fingertips lightly brush over the side of his neck, and he remembered where Sirius had bitten him. He must have marked him. It occurred to Remus that he must have done it on purpose. ‘You’re mine,’ he had said. He wondered if anyone else had noticed that mark. If so, they hadn’t said anything. With any luck, his hair had obscured it until now.

A part of Remus wanted to flinch away from Severus’s touch, and another wanted to lean into it. He did neither, but he closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Severus’s fingers fell away.

‘Did he . . . ?’ Severus’s voice sounded odd. Almost emotional. Remus met his gaze, and saw his expression darken. Severus swallowed. ‘Was it because of me?’

‘No!’ said Remus, with the same kind of finality he had heard in James’s voice that morning. ‘It was because he’s a jealous, possessive twat. It’s not your fault!’

‘But it’s still because of me. I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be.’ Remus heaved another heavy sigh. ‘Please, don’t be. Just be here. Be my friend. Please?’

‘Of course I’m your friend!’ There was a fierceness in Severus’s voice Remus had never heard before, and it made him smile, more genuinely this time.

‘Thank you.’

Severus looked very much like there was something else he wanted to say. Remus waited for a good thirty seconds, just looking at him. When he said nothing, Remus did. ‘You look like you want to ask me something.’

Severus cleared his throat and looked away. ‘You and him . . . You and Black. Did you . . . Were you . . . ?’

Remus felt his heart hammer in his chest and he licked his lips, looking away.

‘It’s not my business,’ Severus continued. ‘I’m not even sure I want to know . . . except I do want to know.’ He looked at Remus again, gently touched his shoulder until Remus turned his eyes back to his. ‘It changes nothing, if so.’

Remus let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. ‘Yes.’ His voice was quiet, even quieter than normal, given they were in the library. ‘It was . . . complicated, though. We were and we weren’t. And now it’s over. I might be able to forgive him, but things can’t and won’t go back to the way they were. I don’t want them to.’

Severus nodded. ‘Okay.’

Remus had expected . . . something. An argument, perhaps. Anger. Sarcastic disdain at the very least. The last thing he had expected was this. This respect, this . . . acceptance. He wondered if he was the only one to have experienced it. Even Lily, who was kindness itself, had parted ways with Severus, ended their friendship. She had given him no real answer as to why when he asked, save that she and Severus had been ‘fundamentally incompatible’.

After that, they turned their attentions to the books. Severus talked Remus through what he’d missed in Transfiguration that day, and Remus was grateful for the help. Generally, his transformations had been a lot less detrimental to his marks since he and Severus began studying together. They didn’t take all the same subjects, but most of them.

‘It’s getting late,’ said Severus, glancing up at the clock that told them it was nearly ten. ‘We’ll be kicked out soon.’

‘Yeah, I suppose.’ Remus sighed. ‘Really don’t want to go back to the dormitory, though. Doubt I’ll be able to sleep. I had . . . nightmares, last night.’

Severus looked thoughtful. ‘I might be able to help with that.’ He stood up. ‘Wait for me, I’ll be back in a few minutes.’

‘All right.’

Less than ten minutes later, Severus returned with a small vial in his hand. It contained a purple liquid.

‘This is a Potion for Dreamless Sleep,’ Severus told him, taking his hand and placing the vial in his palm. ‘I usually keep some around. I . . . also have insomnia, sometimes. Drink it when you go to bed. You’ll sleep well. Won’t dream a thing.’

‘Thank you, Severus.’ Remus looked into his friend’s black eyes. ‘Really. Thank you for being so kind to me.’

Severus smiled, actually smiled. Twice in two days had to be some kind of record. ‘I believe the expression is, “that’s what friends are for”.’

Once again, Remus wanted to hug him. Kiss him. Hold him. Instead, he smiled back and, reaching out, gave Severus’s hand a brief squeeze. They tidied up their things, returned the books to their correct shelves, and left the library.

‘I’m off sick tomorrow, as well,’ said Remus. ‘Then it’s . . . the full moon. See you on the other side?’

‘Absolutely,’ said Severus. ‘Goodnight, Remus.’

‘Night, Severus.’