Language of Love - 1. Chapter 1: "Looking for someone normal"

Chapter 1: Looking for someone normal

Okay, I admit it; my life is boring and depressing. I am not suicidal or a drama queen filled with issues like "my parents throwing me out due to being gay". No, if it was that stuff, I would be interesting and probably end up on Youtube with my own channel and a million likes. Nope, I am boring and quite uninteresting. I work a 9-5 job as an accountant for a hospital. I live with my parents, who are apathetic about my sexuality. I don’t act fem or masculine, so I come off as cool and aloof to most gay guys. I have a medium sized dog, sexually probably bisexual due to how he reacts to other dogs and have a habit for taking long stares at shirtless shirt-less runners. Don’t get me wrong, I stare sometime too, but I am focused on the male’s physique. Runners don’t have extremely high muscle density or defined abs, but they make up for it with stamina.

Let’s see, I am Asian, Chinese in particular, so I am like 1 in 1 billion. In my dating experience, gay guys are geared to liking “certain” guys with the profuse amount of gay white mild mannered celebrity and media portrayals. Is it racism? Probably, but no one will ever call it that. I’ve learned through experience that Twinks are great eye candy and porn material, but what they represent hot, young, white, low body hair, and high libido, this set of ideals is all BS from West Hollywood. Unless you are extremely wealthy, equally beautiful, or lucky, I would keep your jack off material out of your love life.

When a gay guy comes to me, the first thing they start with is some crap that follows, “Umm…you’re Asian, how do I sound smart so I can get into your bed tonight?” Being a gay Asian man is rough, but that’s still beats the treatment of black gay men, the horror stories I can tell you, like a friend who met this guy that just got out of jail and wants a BJ from a brother. I don’t get why he takes that crap. You don’t hear about that crap, because few ever talks about gay/bi/whatever black men with a taste for cock. Anyway, enough about racial issues in same sex relationships, I’m not writing a sociology thesis.

So, based on that description of my life and my experiences with gay relationships, you can guess that I was looking for a guy, preferably gay. I don’t know if I am ready for an LTR, long term relationship. However, it’s better than looking NSA, no string attached, encounters. Yeah, I know all the lingo of internet dating and hookups, but I find most of the scene sad.

In ancient times, gay guys would write secret love letters and poetry to woo their beloved counterparts. They would perform impossible tasks just to be in the same orbit as their beloved. Yet, today, all you need is a posting on Craigslist with the topic heading “Cock needs to be serviced” and you get twenty replies in 5 minutes. Sure, we gained much more openness and acceptance in the modern world, but the romance is tragically lacking.

With that point made, I freely admit to being a hypocrite for being one of those guys that posts those things and enjoy my one night stands like everyone else. I have needs and a cock, too. We can all stand on a soapbox and preach romantic notions, but who can live it. At least, I am honest enough to tell you that I can’t live by what I want, because if I were such a romantic, then my balls would be aching for relief or my computer would be filled with viruses from the internet’s top gay porn venues. So, I use craigslist, manhunt, gkiss, and whatever is available despite what I really want. Of course, I choose the guys based on safety and hope for the best, but I won’t say no to a one night thing. That all changed recently.

Last week, I saw this curious posting, “Looking for someone normal- 25”. Well, the guy was near my age and I definitely fit the bill as the average Joe, so I went in for the hunt. I clicked the posting and read it. He was a business school graduate student from China and wanted to find a boyfriend in the states. I liked his ambition and his straightforward desires, plus I have a Business Master’s degree, too. He looked a bit petite, according to his stats 5’4, so he’s 7 inches shorter than me. I don’t have a problem with shorter guys, nor do I have a special attraction to them like the Nymphos. He wrote he speaks mandarin, which makes me think he’s probably one of those new Chinese college kids that have come to the states. Most of them are children of “Party” leaders or wealthy families. I made a mental note to ask him indirectly about his family ties. He wanted a face pic, which is pretty normal for most ads; although, I hate having to be rated with other guys like slabs of meat.

I wrote a short reply back:

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Subject: Re: “Looking for someone normal- 25”

Hey,

Your posting sounds interesting. I am Chinese, too, but I have been here for 20 years now. I’m 26, 5’10, 200lbs, hold Master’s Degree, and work in health care.

Maybe we can chat later, if you are interested

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I picked a decent picture of me and sent it with the email. I’ve learned that the short and noncommittal organic messages usually get replies easier. Took me a long time to figure this out about guys and postings, so enjoy that free lesson and try not to get hurt or crestfallen by guys on the internet playing mind games. Most of these postings are just stupid spam bots, so use a filter on your email if you are replying. Hiding your real email address might be paranoia, but it will save you a lot of hassles from blocking incoming junk later.

After that email, most of my night was uneventful. I couldn’t find a single decent posting or semi-sane guy. “I would love to be your slave”, “I need you to fill me”, and other crap were the standards of the every other site I visited. On nights like that, I wonder if every decent gay guy on earth has already found their other half and I am left with the leftovers or even worse I am part of that forever cursed to be alone. I was ready to call it for a night, but I saw an email hitting my mailbox right before I shut down Firefox. The guy responded to me:

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Subject: Re: “Looking for someone normal-25”

Hello,

Thank you for responding, I am not good with English, but I thought I should reply to you and see if we may attempt a conversation.

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Well, it was short and polite. I don’t know if that’s the best way to respond to a response, but it left my mind open. It seemed human enough and there were no clickable areas, so I guess he was real. Now that I established he was not a bot, what was my next move? I had to make sure he’s not a scammer or fraudster. There are guys that will try to steal information from you with these replies. As an accountant, I can spot financial fraud like a coffee stain off a beige rug. It’s pretty stupid what these guys attempt, like “I would love to know your full name and home address” or “I don’t live near you and need money wired on paypal to get a bus ticket”. Seriously, it happens and I bet you that most gay guys that fall for this crap never report it, because they’re too scared or too embarrassed. These pricks are probably not even gay; they’re con artists, who hunt for desperate lonely gay guys.

I replied back with a non-committal response:

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Subject: RE; “Looking for someone normal-25”

Hello,

Yes, we should attempt a conversation. What do you prefer to do?

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It did not take more than ten minutes, he responded back to me. At this point, I was getting interested and excited. Interested, because I’ve learned from experience that quick acknowledgements is usually a good sign of the other guy’s interest. I was excited, because my weekend was going to be a boring fest of watching Netflix movies and original series. I have seen House of Cards 3 times already; Kevin Spacey’s character as a closet case politician was never that novel an idea to begin with.

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Subject: Re: “Looking for someone normal-25”

Hello,

Do you have time to message me using skype my id is _______ ? Or you can message me at xxx-xxx-xxxx?

I hope we can talk soon

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The first thing I did was check the number using Google search engine to identify location of the phone number. It was a Verizon cell phone number located in Boston. Then, I checked skype and searched the user name, same details.

At that point, I knew he was not a scammer and probably someone new to this online stuff. My first real boyfriend was the same way; we met online with messages like these and shortly met up. The relationship lasted 5 months, because his emotional needs just overwhelmed my capabilities to actually reciprocate. I can deal with drama like any other gay guy, but I cannot be your emotional crutch.

Those thoughts began racing through my head; he definitely was interested and open to chatting, but he was perhaps too open. The memories of my first relationship came back and I got worried. Was he going to be needy? Am I able to deal with it better this time than I did three years ago? I am in a better place in my life now: stable job, more experience, and I can be financially independent whenever I want.

I needed time to sort through all of this in my head, so I replied back.

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Subject: RE: “Looking for someone normal- 25”

Let’s try talking tomorrow after we get a good night of sleep. My skype name is ________________ and my number is xxx-xxx-xxxx

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As I headed to my bed, part of me wanted him to be a fake scammer or a fraud. I was scared to speak with him, I was scared to learn about him, and I guess I was scared to get attached to him. Another part about being gay and wanting a relationship, you need to be emotionally ready to deal with it. I’ve matured a lot in the last few years, but I am still filled with doubt about my abilities to deal with love. In my heart, I might hold romantic ideals, but this is reality. There’s a practical truth to love, you never know if you’re ready for it until it is right in front of you.