Reflection - 1. Reflection

Reflection

By W.L

Part I: Symmetry

College is a time for new experiences and new friendships, if you allow yourself to experience and love the people around you for all their virtues and faults, then the rewards may be a lifetime of memories or a partner to share that life with you. It is a time of great ambition and hope, but not everyone will reach the goals that they set. Some will be lucky and have all their goals completed very quickly; others will have to wait, and many may face the hard fate of loneliness and despair.

Sebastian Beau was looking at himself, mostly naked except for his boxers, in the mirror, like he usually does several times a day, admiring his Adonis-like body. He admired his perfect body: 6 ft. 5, toned muscles, well-maintained raven black hair, and a noticeable 10 inch bulge in his boxers. The word narcissistic probably does not even begin to describe his belated sense of self importance. He might have been a new freshman at the university, but he had everything that a college kid could want. He has already made tons of friends, had gotten a job working at the front desk of the gym, and a steady girlfriend, who is only one floor above him. The down side to his life was his roommate, Nick Mallory.

Nick was an awkward boy without the luck or the charm of Sebastian. He never admired his body or his appearance: standing at 5 ft. 6, sinewy muscles, short but unmaintained brown hair, and a smaller bulge, which he tried to hide from his roommate and anyone for that matter even in the common showers. Nick came to college without knowing what he wanted or what he desired in life. He had never felt any attraction to girls, but he was unwilling to admit that he liked boys due to personal fear and resentment from his past. During the first few weeks of school, he tried to fit in with his floor-mates, but he was much more guarded around people and his actions did not invite much companionship. He also strangely seemed to have a knack at arriving back at his dorm room, when Sebastian is busy screwing his girlfriend. He did not get the social cues, like the loud moans of his roommate, nor the ubiquitous sock on the door knob.

These little foibles had made Sebastian more than a bit annoyed at his roommate. Sometimes, Sebastian would simply have to move a drawer or something heavy in front of the door to prevent Nick’s entry, which made for some lonely times that Nick spent at the library during the day or the floor’s common room during the night.

One particular episode happened after Nick had come back from a grueling morning of lectures. Professor West kept droning about a paper concerning the existence of middle languages that were created in Medieval Europe to preserve the knowledge of ancient civilizations. While such languages were interesting to Nick, the prospect of a 2 hour long lecture on such a subject was more than he could bear. He was hoping to get some rest before he had to go to his next class later in the day.

He came back to his dorm room and tried to open the door. It would not budge more than a small peek as his bed had been positioned against it, but the small peek was enough to disgust and enthrall Nick. Sebastian was standing completely naked in front of his mirror with his girlfriend delivering a blow job, which probably was a second or third attempt as white strings were visible all over her face. A quick thought of sexual perversity ran through Nick’s mind between him and Sebastian, but he quickly dismissed it as Sebastian had heard the sound of the door knob.

Sebastian panting: “Yo, Nick, dude, can you come back later, I got some stuff going on.”

Nick: “Uh…Okay, can you hand me my physics book, it should be on my table.”

Sebastian with a frown on his face: “Dude, just chill out, you can get it later tonight, when me and the other guys on the floor go out to the clubs.”

Nick closed the door and headed towards the library to get the reserve copy of the physics’ book hidden away behind the periodicals. The reserve copy was an older edition, but most of the questions and chapters remained the same, which is quite normal for most overpriced college textbooks.

The library was mostly deserted and Nick quickly copied the textbook chapter for the class. It did not take too long to go over the entire chapter and study the mandatory information. Nick needed to kill a few hours, so he thought he would start his linguistics assignment from Professor West. The library had a very good collection of Middle-English texts and manuscripts with a few early French sonnets, Norwegian folktales, and the ecclesiastical texts of Medieval Europe. The section was usually used by a few PhD students and professors doing research, but his professor offered extra points for literal references in text versus an online research tool.

The part of the library that stores the antiquated collection was not what you would consider as the stereotypical dungeon with three story high bookshelves. It was spacious and fully renovated with modern amenities like automatic rolling rows of shelves and touch screen computer panels. However, the specific books that Nick needed to research were located on the top shelf of the fifth row.

Nick was a fiercely independent person, who did not desire help even if his short stature prevented him from certain tasks. He wasn’t always a loner, but he learned throughout his life that he could trust no one except himself.

Nick attempted to climb the book case to reach the section that he needed. It would have been simple, if he had not lost his grip trying to get a copy of The Canterbury Tales. Nick desperately scrambled to find something to hang onto, but he could not escape gravity. Miraculously, Nick was not injured nor was he wounded by his fall, not even slightly sore. He surveyed the books that he grabbed with him before he fell and collected them without noticing that he had gathered one extra book that he had grabbed onto before the fall.

In the quiet reading room of the library, he collected his composure and begun sorting the books that he had gathered. Then, he came upon a leather bound book. It was not something that he remembered grabbing, but it looked very old. The Latin inscription on the front inscribed in stitched threads was “Meditatione De”, which to Nick seemed like a Medieval Christian book of spirituality. He looked over the book’s outer covering and could not identify any bar codes or other library tags that the other manuscripts and books seemed to possess. He spent the next several hours transfixed on the book, which was worded in a strange variation of Medieval Latin. It seemed natural for a text of such subjects as ecclesiastical literature would be a form of Latin, potentially a non-distinct variation due to the poor literacy standards of the time. However, the variation reversed what was naturally found in traditional Latin grammar, but it was consistent throughout and held the same structure as traditional Latin.

While most people would probably find this linguistic twist completely boring, Nick was fascinated to no end by translating this oddly written text. It talked of self-improvement and enlightenment through a type of magical reflection onto oneself, which intrigued his curiosity. He nearly missed his physics class, if it was not for his schedule warning from his cellphone’s vibration. Nick quickly returned all the books back to the shelves and headed straight for his physics class.

After the class, Nick’s mind was completely exhausted. Although still intrigued by the strange book, he wanted to get the short nap that he had planned hours before. As he entered his dorm room unobstructed, he witnessed the usual pattern of his roommate Sebastian, examining himself in front of his life size mirror.

Sebastian noticed his roommate’s appearance: “Look at these guns, come on, do you think those girls will resists these?”

Nick shaking his head in agreement, but his eyes were eating up his roommate’s body hungrily well beyond the beautiful biceps. Nick wished for many things upon seeing himself and his roommate in the mirror as he looked on. His heart was aching for something that he could not admit to himself and his soul cried out for something more. As he stood behind his roommate, who was flexing muscle, a phrase from the strange book came to his mind.

Nick whispered: “Potest melius reflexionem per corpus et anima tua”

Sebastian had not noticed the near silent Latin phrase, but did notice his roommates staring at his mirror image: “Dude, are you like looking at me or something?”

Nick quickly replied uncomfortably: “I am not a faggot.”

Sebastian: “Don’t need to be; every guy looks at my perfect body and drool just like the sluts. Hell, I bet you the guys in the gym cream their pants, whenever they see me flex these bad boys.”

Part of Nick wished he had that magical power to make men swoon over his body, but he quickly pushed it away from his mind with a painful feeling. Luckily for Nick, it did not take long for Sebastian to head out for his night of drinking, partying, and debauchery. Nick was left behind to his own devices.

Part of Nick wanted to go back to the library to find the book again; his mind was transfixed on the strange book’s subject and mesmerizing lines. The library at this time should be more or less empty, except for a few stray librarians and students studying for exams. He liked the quiet nature of the library at this time, since it allowed him to think more clearly than the raucous and busy nature of the day. Besides, at night, the artificial lighting of the library is activated, which means improved lighting for reading at the desk. In theory, the library operates on a “green” schedule, using only natural refracted sunlight for lighting during the day and artificial energy efficient lighting at night, which should give the same amount of lighting to students. Problem is the lighting contrast during the day is based on location, which are usually occupied by certain students first.

When Nick arrived in the familiar section of the library, he wasted no time in hunting for the mysterious book in question. However, he could not find it among the books that he had placed back on the top row. He tried looking elsewhere, but there was no trace of the book, nor was there a record within the library database or collection’s catalogs. Nick had no choice, but to grab the other books from earlier, which he had not read.

The books were enjoyable readings and translations for him, but his mind drifted as he read and translated the books. He saw a good looking boy passing by the book shelves. He was around 5’10, with a moderate amount of dirty blond hair. There was a resemblance to a memory in Nick’s mind with the boy’s features, but he could not pinpoint exactly where or how he knew him. Nick stole a few glances at the good looking boy and thought the boy had also taken notice of him as well. He did not know how to react, except to move away from the area.

Thoughts stirred in his mind of the boy that he had exchanged glances with. At first minor things started popping into his head, like introducing himself, trying to get to know the boy, and may be even finding stuff they shared in common. Then, more complex emotions came to his mind, which Nick quickly tried to remove from his thoughts as he had before. For the next hour, Nick continued his studies with little thought of the boy from earlier, but as he was leaving the library, he saw the boy again outside the front door.

The boy smiled at him and offered him a stick of gum: “Hey Nick, thanks for opening up and I really do think we can be good friends again, too. I mean I don’t know how to find the right words for stuff, so maybe friends is the wrong word to use. I…uh…kind of thought you were cute, too.”

Nick was dumbfounded and did not know what to say. He had not talked with this boy and how could he have known his name? Part of him wanted to stretch out his arms and take the piece of gum, maybe he could open up the conversation to learn how the boy knew his name and what he was talking about; perhaps, he could even get to know this boy better. Yet, he didn’t take the stick of gum that was offered and left without saying a word.

His journey back to the dorm was filled with much confusion and fear. Was he losing his mind? Did he actually talk to a random boy without hesitation or fear? No, he couldn’t have; he wouldn’t have trusted a random guy, no matter how much his heart ached.

Memories started coming back to him and he felt the urge to vomit. As he entered the dorms, he immediately headed straight towards the bathroom. Nick felt like his insides were being torn apart, a feeling that he had hoped to forget. His head was spinning from the fear of revelation.

After throwing up most of the day’s meal, he started trying to collect his mind as he turned on the faucet to hopefully splash some sense of reality back into his life. In his mind, he tried to rationalize the experience; the boy had glanced at him earlier too. Maybe, he was playing a trick on him or trying to force him into lowering his guard. A simple parlor trick, nothing more, could explain everything. The boy probably playing a trick with him; he couldn’t possibly have known his secret.

As he lifted his head, a sudden thought came to him: “How did he know my name?”

As Nick tilted his head towards his image in the mirror, another figure was apparent behind him. There were many similarities like his short brown hair, short stature, and freckles, but there was something very ominous about the apparition. As Nick’s eyes grew wide with disbelief, he quickly turned around to face his counterpart, but there was no one there.

Nick shouted to nothing: “Stop it, come out now.”

Silence was all that would reply to Nick, who at this point was shaking as if someone had walked over his grave. Had he imagined everything, or were there forces at work beyond his knowledge and control?

Part II: Mirage

Sebastian was having the time of his life at the club with his floor mates and girlfriend. The fake ID’s that he spent a hundred dollars on were well worth the price as he commiserated with his friends after the seventh round of Sam Adams’ Lagers.

One of the floor mates added: “Damn, Jessica, don’t you and Bastian ever give it a rest. My girlfriend from home is all cuddles and candy canes, compared to you two.”

Sebastian somewhat inebriated: “Dude, man, umm…dude, like I…I…just like her tight pussy and mouth. Shit, I don’t care if you and your little girlfriend play dollhouse or have tea parties, but real men need to fuck that’s right, Jess.”

Jessica in an equal stupor replied: “Hell yeah, Bastian, I want me a real man, not a runt like Nick. Shit, the little pervert keeps watching us; maybe we should start charging him for pay per view.”

A round of laughter broke out between the friends at the suggestion. Though none of them harbor any malice towards Nick, they simply did not understand the guy. He was a complete mystery to them even after spending months with the guy. Many of them have tried to approach him and they couldn’t even get more than a few words from a conversation with him.

Sebastian slammed the table for emphasis: “Shit Man, I should charge him for seeing my beautiful muscles every morning, like if I had a dollar each time I’d be like have a thousand dollars and get shots for everyone here.”

Jessica chimed: “Shit, I need another one to top me off.”

Sebastian libido instantly lightened up with those words: “Jess, why don’t you and I have a threesome?”

Jessica replied back with enthusiasm: “Hell, yeah, I want a dyke to eat me out!”

A round of excited tones came from everyone there.

More drinking and boasting ensued with the occasional dance floor spins by everyone, including Sebastian trying desperately to get a girl to get into a threesome with him and Jessica. It didn’t take too long before he was able to get a girl named Talia from another university interested in the deal. The thought of two girls kissing and exploring each other’s bodies had given him an instant hard on.

Sebastian quickly left the group with Jessica and Talia. They got a taxi to take them back to the dorms for their destined sexual adventure with one another. The taxi ride seemed very uneventful and the buzz from most of the alcohol was slowly wearing off as each of the students started chatting with one another.

Sebastian began the ice breaker: “So Talia, like what are you into?”

Talia mischievously replied: “Well, I’m into strong muscular men like you.””

Jessica having lost some of her earlier alcoholic stupor grew jealous as Sebastian and Talia continued to talk.

Sebastian continued on probing Talia: “Do you like to suck or fuck?”

Talia didn’t need to think: “Fuck of course and have that manly tool all buried inside me.”

By the time the three had arrived at the dorms, Jessica was completely against having a threesome between Sebastian, Talia, and herself. However, the alcohol had not completely worn off as she could not think of a way to get Sebastian to say no to a threesome between them as he was completely into the idea of fucking both of them. They head up to Jessica’s dorm room, since Jessica’s roommate was still at the club and it would be easier than running the risk of having Nick walk in on them.

Jessica took Sebastian to the side: “Bastian, I really don’t want to do this. I know what I said in the club and I was like drunk and stuff, but I don’t want to kiss another girl and have you fucking her in front of me. Please don’t Bastian.”

Sebastian contemptuously replied: “Jess, listen, either the three of us fuck or I will just start fucking her from now on exclusively. You get my drift.”

Jessica with a sullen face: “You’re going to break up with me for that crazy bitch. What about all our time together? What about all those times you said I love you, did you mean it?”

Sebastian pinches Jessica’s arm: “Listen bitch, I gave you the pleasure of being mine. You love this body and love me, so don’t go crying over a small request from me, okay.”

Sebastian at this point had started getting the insane urge to piss from all the beers and liquors that he had consumed throughout the night. He had to excuse himself from the two girls and headed to the men’s communal bathroom in the building. He saw a terrified Nick standing there frozen staring at the mirror, but Sebastian did not pay any heed or attention to his roommate’s dumbfounded expression and continued on with his pissing, then quickly without even zipping his zipper or washing his hands went upstairs for what he was hoping to be the fuck of his lifetime. As he neared the door, he saw Talia departing.

Sebastian in a quick reflex: ‘Hey girl, why you leaving before my hot man tool gets acquainted with your fine pussy and ass?”

Talia glared at him : “Shit, make up your mind, first you were like I want to fuck you if you’d get it on with me and my girl, then you become like an asshole, saying I should leave and it was a mistake. Well, screw you Sebastian Beau!”

Talia ran down the stairs and Sebastian was left completely dumbfounded. What was going on? Why was she so angry with him? Did Jess do something?

Sebastian quickly opens the door to Jessica’s room and eyes a sight that he never thought he would see, himself. He saw the muscles that he had adored for years, his chiseled facial features, his well-kept hair, and his 10 inch treasure, which was in full display for his eyes to gaze upon. Sebastian was speechless and stupefied by the situation, but Jessica eying the two identical studs in the room had other plans.

Jessica smiled menacingly: “Hey Bastian, I just got a thought, why don’t we have a threesome?”

Sebastian snapped: “What the fuck? Who is this prick?”

The other “Bastian” replied: “I am you, a better version of you, who will only love one girl and would do anything for her, because I love her”

Sebastian angrily stared at both his double and Jessica: “You bitch! Fine, whatever you want, I can get any girl I want, and you are not a big loss. With this body, I am the sexiest man alive. Whenever, he fucks you; you will only be thinking of me.”

The other “Bastian” smirked devilishly: “No, unless you defeat me to prove that you are the better man; you will simply cease to exist. I will be the “Real” you. Also, don’t even think of hurting me, because as we are connected right now, if you do kill me, you will yourself.”

Sebastian did not want to believe what his double was saying, but he could feel it was the truth. He could his life starting to slip away from him; his pride was giving way to utter terror.

Jessica made a hand gesture: “As I said, we should have a threesome to see who the better man is. I want to see which one of you can get the other one to cum first.”

Sebastian with a horrified look in his face saw the familiar 10 inch penis in front of him. He could only imagine the perversions that his double and him would perform for his girlfriend’s pleasures, not to mention the fate if he does lose this competition. He took a deep breath and began removing his clothes for a night of sex that neither will ever forget.

Part III: Revealing

Nick was frozen in the bathroom drifting between thought and memory. He could remember the first day that he attended parochial school; how bright the world looks around him and the incredible joy that only childhood innocence could offer. He had kept this memory locked away in his mind hoping to forget it along with all the unpleasant and sad emotions that would later come from it. He could hear and see Sebastian entering the bathroom, but could not tell him what was happening to him.

Time passed, when finally Nick was slowly coming out of his fog; he headed straight towards his room. In his mind, he just wanted to sleep without waking again. He did not want to confront his demons, nor did he want to ask any more questions. He just wanted to shut the world out.

As he entered his room, he saw the specter in front of him. The boy was identical to him down to the smallest detail, except at this moment, the boy was naked. The boy was staring at himself in front of the mirror, smiling.

The boy looked towards Nick: “Don’t you look cute, faggot.”

Nick shook from the words that his double said to him: “I…I…not a faggot.”

The boy turned his full attention towards Nick now: “Oh, you are a faggot. That’s why all of them picked you. Remember Father Higgins and his special lessons after school with you. He always called you his favorite. Don’t forget your neighbor, Mr. Stevens, who always gave you extra treats for coming over to help him out with yard work and helping him “fix” up his basement. Yet, I am missing the best one for last; remember your step-daddy.”

Nick cried: “Stop it, just stop! I don’t want to remember all that stuff I am a big boy now.”

Nick’s double mercilessly continued: “Oh right, you’re daddy’s big boy aren’t you. That’s why daddy always comes late at night to help you sleep. Until mommy found out what daddy was doing, then daddy went away, because you couldn’t hide it. Mommy was really sad about what happened and she drank herself to death, because you couldn’t keep it a secret. Admit it Nicky, you were always a faggot. When you go away, I’ll be better faggot than you could be and start off right with that boy, Mark from the library.”

All those words brought back painful memories for Nick. He remembered elementary school and how Father Higgins had started looking at him funny and asked him to come to his office after school for private lessons, where Father Higgins would use pretenses to feel his entire body. He remembered as a preteen Mr. Stevens asking him to mow the lawn for extra money and later asking him to help him fix his basement. Mr. Stevens would ask Nick to take off all his clothes so he wouldn’t get them dirty, and then take pictures of him for his albums. Though, none of it compared to the frightening experiences that he had with his step-father, who would rape him every night until his mother discovered it at age 15. His mother blamed herself for allowing her son to be abused for so long; she eventually died of kidney failure from excess alcohol consumption a few months ago.

Nick’s guilt was tremendous and his emotional barriers that were built to hide away the pain and shame were breaking down. He could feel the tragedies building one on top of another in his life, crushing his will to live.

Nick’s double seeing the painful expression in Nick’s face: “Why don’t we make this simple and end your misery? Nicky, I will show you what a real faggot is like.”

Without warning, Nick’s double quickly grabbed Nick and threw him towards the bed. Nick offered no response or tried to fight his way out of the situation. He seemingly has given up all hope of life after being reminded of his past. Nick’s double rapidly removed Nick’s clothing and eyed his prize.

Nick’s double smirked at his coming triumph: “You’re not putting much of an effort, Nick, to fight the inevitable. I will fuck you right now, when I reach my orgasm, I will become you and make your life better as a result. No more hiding, no more fear, and no more guilt trips, I will live my life as I want to live it without emotional burdens. I will be free. Isn’t that what you wanted all along Nick, why you read that book?”

At this moment, Nick did not care about his life anymore. He has no family left, no friends, and no one, who actually would care about this Nick versus the Nick that is fucking him. His sense of loss has overwhelmed any sense of living on; there was really no point.

Nick’s double feeling the pressure in his scrotum nearing the tipping point: “Oh Nicky, you know something. Mark has been attracted to you for a long time, now. He was with you as child, providing joy to you when you needed it most until he had to move away with his family. Then, when you guys met again in college, you would not even acknowledge his existence. He tried everything to get your attention, but he still cared about you no matter how distant you were. You forgot your only friend in the world, when you pushed your bad memories of the past away, Nicky. Don’t worry though I will make it up to him. Consider this practice for the real thing.”

Nick’s memory started to light up; how could he have forgotten about Mark? They were friends in school and neighbors. When Father Higgins was having his special after school time with Nick, Mark would wait for him to go home together. It was Mark, who got Nick away from Mr. Stevens to hang out with him. When his stepdad was raping him, the person that he wished was by his side was Mark. He was there for him all along, but Nick never took notice, because he had thrown out the good memories with the bad.

Something else was rising in Nick that the memories inspired, a sense of self and a sense of identity. Life is not merely based on the good experiences that people have, the happiness that is transient based on perception and hubris, or the joyful pleasures that we share with sexual partners. The good and the bad must co-exist in order to create life and thus define you as a person. Nick had finally understood what he was living for.

Nick quickly pinned his double to the bed: “I’m not going away; I’m going to keep on living.”

Nick’s double surprised by the turn of events: “Why faggot? You got nothing to live for.”

Nick uncharacteristically smiled, his first smile in months: “I’m not a faggot, asshole. I’m gay that is what I am, not who I am. I am Nick Mallory and I know for sure that I love Mark and he loves me, too. Now let’s see who will fuck who out of existence!”

Nick mounted himself on his double and rapidly felt the pressure build as he entered and exited his double until he finally released his seed. It was not merely a release of pent up sexual frustrations, but a release of his guilt, shame, and heartache that has been weighing heavily on his mind for years. Nick felt like he was truly a better man.

Nick’s double sheepishly smiling: “You’ve beaten me Nick. It has been a long time, since someone has mustered the courage to defeat a doppelganger. My kind was created from the darkest parts of the individuals, we manifest. When a person faces us, they must prove their ability to defeat their greatest darkness and fears, if not we would destroy them and take over their place to create a better person. I congratulate you on your achievement and finding yourself and finding something worth living for.”

Nick turned towards his double: “I hate you for many things that you said and did, but I also thank you for giving me my life back. I hope wherever you will go next will be a better place.”

Nick’s double disappeared smiling as Nick stared out at the rising sun of a new day and a new beginning.

Epilogue:

During the next day, Nick will relate his entire tale to Mark, who despite the incredulous circumstances believes in his friend. Nick became a better man, a better friend, and in a way a better lover. What Nick’s double started was not the endpoint to self-improvement; it was merely the beginning of a long journey in Nick’s life. Nick and Mark openly becomes a couple very soon, they decide to be roommates the next year. If one were to look further into the future, Nick’s courage to face his challenges and understanding of the truths in life will inspire him to be a diplomat, seeking to bring harmony between the diverse cultures and diverse experiences that the world offers. Mark will be his life-long companion, friend, and lover, but above all else, Nick’s inspiration that life is worth living through love.

As for Sebastian and Bastian contest, no one actually knows who won the contest. Sebastian broke up with Jessica the day after and Jessica seemed to accept the resolution to their relationship. Sebastian never related his recollections or what happened that night. He dropped out of college, the very next year. No one knows exactly, where he might have gone.

As for the book, well, the holder of the tome was happy that his little book was so well received by the collegiate population. Perhaps, he thought it was time to release the Necronomicon again for some fun.

The End

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