Dealing with Life - 1. Chapter 1

Stephan sat staring at the monitor. He started out trying to do some research on Homer for his English essay due in two weeks, but his thoughts took him on a dark tangent. He sat staring at the same page for over two hours now.

Stephan kept telling himself that he felt nothing. It was like the world around him was made with dull shades of gray, nothing provoking emotion. Emotions only get in the way.

“Emotions can only hurt and make me want to die,” he thought to himself. “I can get rid of every emotion, until I feel like an empty well. But why do I sit here trying to hold back the tears, feeling only anger and hate?”

“Please God, why can’t you make me normal? I never asked to be this way! I just want to be normal!” The tears he had been holding back for so long could not be held back any longer. They started flowing down his face while he wiped at them furiously with his fists. His anger took that moment to break loose and he slammed his fist down on his keyboard.

The clicking sounds from his speakers that continued after he moved his hand away from the keyboard distracted him from his misery to another problem.

“Fuck!” he screamed. “Like I can afford a new keyboard! Way to go Steph! Time to get control of yourself!”

Feeling an overwhelming urge to get out and go for a walk, he went to the bathroom to rinse his face off. After deciding he no longer looked like he had been crying he grabbed his jacket and stepped through the door into a cool fall evening.

The wind would occasionally pick up, rustling the dead leaves on the ground and causing more to fall from the trees above. Stephan let his mind drift with the leaves, the cloudy evening fitting his mood perfectly. With the sound of the wind through the trees, the leaves blowing across the ground, and the overcast sky, he could forget his anger and hate for the moment and go back to just existing in the moment. He returned to his empty shell, not thinking or feeling, just being.

Eventually he made it to the campus computer store and bought a new keyboard just before they closed. By the time he returned back to his dorm room, he had his emotions firmly under control. As he walked into the room, he saw his roommate, Sean, putting away his clothes. He had obviously just returned from washing them.

“Hey Steph. What happened to your computer? It was making all kinds of noise when I came in. I hope you don’t mind I shut it down. It was about to drive me crazy!”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I accidentally dropped my English book on it and I guess some keys got stuck or something. I was so pissed I just had to get out for a bit. I should have shut it down.”

“No sweat, dude” Sean said as he continued putting his clothes away.

Stephan got to work replacing his keyboard.

“Hey, some friends of mine are having a party tonight. You should come. You really need to get out and meet people. There are going to be a lot of very hot looking women, including Melanie. You know she has been asking me about you every since she learned we are roommates. If I was you, I would be all over that!”

Stephan sighed to himself. Why do people always try to be matchmakers? As if life wasn’t difficult enough as it was. Melanie seemed to be a very nice, intelligent girl. She always sat next to him in his History class. He always tried to be friendly with her and really found her interesting, but was not interested in any kind of a relationship. Every time he got involved with a girl, trying to be “normal,” he always ended up hurting her. The last time that happened he vowed he would not let it happen again. So he kept dodging her hints to go on a date.

“I really want to get this English paper done. I still have a lot of research left, and thanks to the broken keyboard I have not been able to do anything this afternoon.”

Sean looked at him critically, shaking his head. “I don’t get you dude. I mean you can’t tell me you are so far behind that you can’t even take off a few hours on a Saturday evening! Sacrificing your social life can’t be too healthy. Besides, it will loosen you up a bit. Help you relax so you can be twice as productive tomorrow!”

“Sorry Sean, but if I am going to be in debt up to my eyebrows when I graduate, I at least want to get as much for my money as I can.”

“Ok dude. It’s your life, but if I studied as much as you do I would go insane! I have to have some kind of relief! Well, I am going to take a quick shower and head out. I said I would be there in 30 minutes an hour ago.”

Sean grabbed a towel and headed to the bathroom while Stephan booted up the computer. Stephan started searching the Internet for more information on Homer, trying not to think about Sean. After a while Sean stepped out of the bathroom wearing only a towel.

Stephan felt his pulse quicken as he forced himself to stare at the web page he had up and not to look at Sean. This was the hardest part about rooming with Sean. His blonde hair, blue eyed, tanned surfer look was slowly driving Stephan crazy. It didn’t help that Sean had no modesty whatsoever. He had no problem striping down and changing in front of Stephan.

Stephan did not have any siblings, so had always had his room as a refuge to run away from his feelings. Now in the middle of his first semester at college, sharing a room with someone as good looking as Sean, he had nowhere to run. Something was going to have to give soon.

Sean quickly got dressed and said goodbye as he was heading out the door. It was a few minutes before Stephan could regain control and force himself to focus on his project once again.