Dealing with Life - 3. Chapter 3

Everything was black. He couldn't see or hear anything. Stephan felt fear and panic pushing in at the edge of his awareness. He was really hoping that death was an end, ceasing to exist. Now he was afraid he would have to deal with everything on into the afterlife.

Suddenly he felt warmth flooding into him. He felt it pushing away the fear and panic. He didn't understand it, but he suddenly felt so much love and comfort that he started to cry.

“You are never alone Stephan, and you are always loved. Never forget that.”

He looked up quickly and could see a light ahead, blurred through the tears. It was coming closer and he tried to get himself under control and prepared. “This is it,” he thought to himself. “They have come to take me to whatever exists after death.”

As the light came closer, he could see a being that looked like an older man with white hair and a white beard, dressed in a white flowing robe. He was smiling warmly and Stephan knew instantly that this was the source of the warmth and love he was feeling. How could someone love him that much? “I don't deserve it!” he thought.

“I wish you wouldn't do that to yourself.” the older man said. Stephan realized the light was emanating directly from the man.

“Do what?” Stephan asked.

“You keep tearing yourself down. You do deserve love and you are a beautiful person!”

“You can read my mind?” Stephan asked startled.

The man chuckled. “I have been with you since you came to this earth. I have been there watching over you and protecting you with the best of my abilities.” He smiled sadly. “You do not know how much it hurts me to see you in so much unnecessary pain.”

“What do you mean unnecessary? Don't you know what I am? I don't deserve to live!” The tears started flowing down Stephan's face again.

The man stepped forward and took Stephan in his arms. “Since when does love make you a bad person. Do you think it matters where you direct that love? Yes you love other men, but outside of your physical existence there is no difference between each being. There is no male or female. That is just something that exists while you are incarnated into your physical body. You can understand how your soul can start to get confused. Suddenly there are “rules” on who you can or can't love. Who do you think made up those rules? I can assure you it wasn't God!”

“Why does it have to be so hard? People hate you for being gay. Everything I have learned says it is an aberration. I couldn't be open about how I felt for fear of being hated. If there is nothing wrong with it, why are people so cruel about it?” Stephan was sobbing uncontrollably now.

“People are free to believe what they want. Unfortunately they can be blinded by their own beliefs, despising others that do not fit into their narrow view of what is right or wrong. Being gay is not easy in this world, but if you accept it as being a part of you, life will be so much easier. You can find happiness and still be gay. No, not everyone will understand, but those people are not your true friends anyway. If someone truly loves you, it will not matter. You have to open up and give them the chance, however hard that may seem. You have become good at pushing people away, assuming they will hate you if they got to know you. Do you think everyone is that shallow?”

“I guess I have been too afraid to give them that chance. I didn't like myself, why should they?” Stephan said

“What you need to understand is that people do like you. They want to get to know you. You deserve to be loved.”

Stephan was still doubting that last part, but he was feeling better. “Who are you? Are you an angel?”

The old man laughed. “No, I am not an angel. I am a Guide. I agreed to watch over you and help guide you in the right direction before you incarnated into the physical life you are living now. When it is time, you will leave the physical world and remember all of what you are. However, it is not time for you to leave this physical world just yet.”

“You mean I am not dead?” Stephan asked in shock.

“Not by a long shot. You have a few broken bones and a lot of bruises and scratches, but you are very much alive. The bush you landed on, however did not fare so well.” the man said with a chuckle.

“So I have to go back and deal with all of the pain?”

The man knew he was not talking about the physical pain. “If you will let them, there are those that will help ease that pain and possibly help it go away altogether. I will not say it is an easy path, but one that can be very rewarding. All it takes is for you to risk that first step of letting someone in. Someone is with you now that would very much like to be that person.”

“I guess I can give it a try. You said you are always with me?”

The man smiled and the warmth flowing through Stephan intensified. “Always. If you are ever in doubt, just think of me and you will feel my love for you.”

They stood there a bit longer, Stephan still held within the mans arms. He felt better than he had in a long time. He was still scared about the thought of going back, especially after his attempt to kill himself. Somehow, though, he knew it would be ok.

“I guess I am ready to go back then.”

The man released him and said, “Always remember you are loved and never alone.”

With that, things started to grow dark again. Stephan felt his fear trying to reassert itself. He pushed it away with a strength that surprised him as strange sounds and smells started invading his senses. He started feeling dull pain and groaned. Instantly he felt someone take his hand and call his name gently. As he opened his eyes, the light blinded him for a moment and he couldn't make out the face looking down at him. As he was able to focus, he saw the most beautiful site. Tyler was looking at him with such a look of relief that he couldn't keep himself from laughing out loud.

He suddenly started coughing as he realized how dry his throat was. Tyler's look of relief changed into a look of concern.

“Water please,” Stephan finally was able to say. Tyler rushed to get him some water. After a few sips, he felt better. “Sorry about that.”

After sitting there a few moments, Tyler finally got up the nerve to ask, “Do you feel like talking about it?”

Stephan felt the fear coming back up. “Did I just dream the meeting with my Guide?” he thought to himself. As soon as he thought of the old man, he felt that feeling of warmth and love flow through him. He looked over at Tyler and could tell he was nervous and very concerned. Stephan resolved at that moment that he was not going to hide any longer and decided to give Tyler the chance he deserved. He was still scared, but wanted desperately to be accepted as himself and was willing to take the risk.
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“Ty, I don't know where to start.”

“Nothing you are going to say will make me leave or hate you. I promise you that.” Tyler said.

Stephan felt the tears start up again. Tyler reached out and took his hand. Stephan couldn't believe how soft his skin felt. He really loved holding his hand. “He is so beautiful” he thought to himself.

“Ty, please don't hate me. I...I'm gay.” he said quietly. He watched Tyler's face for any sign of hate or disgust. He fully expected him to jump back and run out of the room. Instead he was shocked to see a look of surprise, quickly followed by a broad smile.

“Oh, Steph. I could never hate you, but I just may try knocking some sense into you. You scared everyone shitless because you are gay? Well, join the club, but it is not worth killing yourself over!”

Stephan lay there in the hospital bed stunned. Did he just say what I think he did? “Are you saying you're gay too?”

“In a round-about way, yes. There is no reason to hate yourself because of that. If you will let me, I would love to help you through this.”

Stephan looked into Tyler's eyes and felt his heart bursting. “I would like that,” he said, tears flowing once again. Tyler bent over and held his face a few inches from Stephan's face, looking at Stephan for any sign of refusal. Slowly he got closer and closer until their lips met. Stephan felt a shock of pleasure race through him, turning all of his senses upside down. He stiffened, shocked by the intensity.

Tyler started wiping Stephan's tears away. “Steph, I love you. Please don't push me away. And don't ever, ever scare me like you did again.”

“I promise. I love you to Ty. This is just too new and you will have to be patient with me.” Stephan looked deeply into Tyler's eyes, not believing someone that beautiful could love him. “I won't refuse another kiss though.” he said smiling.

Tyler's smile was so bright that it took Stephan's breath away. Tyler bent over and they kissed again for several moments. Finally they disengaged.

“Oh, God!” Stephan moaned.

Tyler was immediately worried. “What's wrong Steph? Did I hurt you?”

Stephan laughed. “No, I just wish I didn't have to hurt myself so badly to be able to open my eyes and accept myself. How many bones did I break anyway?”

“The doctor said your left arm is broken, but it was a pretty clean break and should heal well. You have a couple cracked ribs and lots of scratches from the bush you fell on. You was pretty lucky.”

Stephan sighed. “Well some of us have to learn our lessons the hard way. I just hope I can find a way that doesn't hurt so much next time.”

“Please promise me you will try talking to me before you get that depressed again. I love you Steph and can't bear to see you in that much pain.”

“I promise. I have no desire to repeat that. And I have it on good authority that being gay is not that bad. Besides, if it means I can have someone like you to love it definitely can't be bad.” Stephan said, smiling.

“Someone like me??? So you would settle for some cheap imitation?” Tyler tried to look upset, but was failing miserably as the smile crept up on his face against his best efforts.

“That's not what I meant and you know it!” Stephan said laughing. He winced and held his ribs. “Ouch, that hurts. Stop making me laugh!”

About that time the nurse poked her head through the door. When she saw Stephan was awake, she smiled and said, “Welcome back to the land of the living. I am glad to see you awake and in such high spirits.” She continued walking into the room. “So, how are you feeling?”

“Like I fell off of a building. I pretty much hurt all over.”

“Well, it is time for your meds and I need to get your temp and blood pressure. After that, I will get your mother. She is sitting in the waiting room.” Stephan cringed. What is he going to tell mom? “Your mother and Tyler here has been taking turns staying with you since you came in yesterday evening.”

She nurse finished her examination and gave him some pills. As she was heading out the door, she said his mother should be here soon.

Stephan had already made up his mind he was going to tell her the truth. With Tyler's support and the love he still felt from his Guide, he felt like he could face anything. Perhaps life wasn't so bad after all!