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Good stories never end. They just begin a new chapter. Fragments were our destiny. Our fate doomed the first time I saw you smile. Your eyes were filled with the moist heat of the mid summer mango grove's shady effervescent infrangible delight. Your movements took shape in the delicate prowess of a mountain leopard. Your form undulating to the beats that broke down the unyielding barrier of disaffection. And your gentle grace that stoked the hopes of an arid wanderer. But it wasn't to last forever. We only receive fragments as our due. When I finally held you in my arms, your pliant silhouette unresisting my fervid advances, we soared to the high heavens of unhindered pleasure. Under the influence of the myriad drugs that I had mixed in your drinks all evening, you kept repeating your mantra in stilted breath. "This is not happening to me." Yet it did. We had our sweet moments together. The moments I immortalized in the waiting eye of the lens. Thus our fragment shall forever be mine. My own love child, a secret to cherish and protect. Yet it pains me to see you walk away, amnesic of my passionate embrace. To see fear crowding those eyes that once held bequest of a rest, it cuts me deep. Shattering me in the many fragments that were once you and I. 18/08/2016 ©asamvav111

Life's curves I don't know, I get so confused sometimes. I listen to people talk, read stories (fiction, i know) and like all stories there's usually a grain of truth in them. They do came from someone's experiences. Like it's been said, there's nothing new under the sun. Years ago I admitted to a friend that being gay scared me not because of what other people thought, since I had been through so much already by the age of 27 to worry with opinions not my own. It scared me because I never saw any older gay couples and I didn't want to die alone. I think the fear of dying alone made me reach out through the internet to feel close to more people since I was limited at home. Through all the chemo, radiation, and other crap I had to deal with, I was always scared of dying alone. I mean I knew my parents would always be there for me, but I mean that someone, that special someone. Yet the more I learn about life, the more I feel alone. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm not in remission yet, but I should be soon. So, I guess I'm getting better. There's still the bone marrow transplant donor to find and do. But, things are looking better again. Yet, I also see now that I missed out on so much as a teenager. I think I would trade my life today to have had a normal life as a teenager. Making all the mistakes and finding the new experiences. I guess I'm making a fool of myself. Tonight I set up most of the night reading a long story on nifty and envied the characters, even the sad ones. At least they got to experience life. I guess after so many years of battling my battles, I'm starting to become a little bitter over it. I do treasure my online friends, even some of the old guys that pretended to be teens before they either literally died from old age or disappeared. Life isn't always fair, in fact, it rarely is. But, I have to have the hope and belief that if you pour yourself into life, in the long run, it's all worth it. I am however real enough to know that's not always true. And it saddens me to see people have to deal with the worst life can throw at you. I wish the world wasn't like that. And like I said earlier, I dunno why I'm writing this, but here it is, raw, unedited me. Please, if you feel you can't take anymore, it will get better. There's nothing life can throw at us that we can't over come or find a way around it, it will get better. Nothing last forever, including the bad times, it will get better. Reach out to someone, talk to someone, share your feelings, it will get better. Never ever give up, it will get better. There are organizations that are there to help us through the bad times, it will get better. The Trevor Project is just one of those, reach out to them, support their work, it will get better. The Trevor Project

I'm going to delve into something that may be polarizing just based on the accusations of rape against Bill Cosby and how much weight you put in your opinion. As most know, Bill Cosby has now been accused by 18 women of inappropriate behaviour, aka rape, by 18 different women of different ages, races, and all over the US. None of which have been proven in court as most happened long before the statue of limitations have expired in the states of the supposed acts happened in. Civil charges may be coming, but criminally, Bill Cosby has never been investigated or charged in any jurisdiction. So here is my Bill Cosby story... Back in the late 1980's I was working at the NHL arena in my city. One night, Bill Cosby was putting on a concert in the round. I usually started 2 hours before the event and had done so and was just standing where I usually did, which was outside of where the referees dressing rooms were. This also happened to be where most bands and stars used as their dressing room as well. Standing there and not really paying attention, from behind me I heard a 'Hey there' and turned around to find Bill Cosby standing there in a t shirt and sweat pants. I'll be honest and say that I'm not really a 'star struck' person who goes nuts when meeting someone famous. After a 'hello' back, he reached out with his hand and said something along the lines of you know who I am probably, but who are you? After introductions, he asked if we could chat for a while. We talked probably just shy of an hour, during that time my boss walked around the corner and eyes bugged out and signaled to me to stop and come over to him. Bill noticing me distracted turned around and saw my boss around 20 feet away. Observant, he called over to him, 'hey, are you Steve's boss?' He walked over and said yes and Bill went through the introductions again, and very politely told him that he was engaged in a conversation with me and would be done soon so if he could excuse us until we were done and politely turned his back on my boss. Wow, just an FYI, the building General Manager came up to me during the show and said she had a meeting with the promoter at their request where Bill had shared his conversation with me was private and that he started it and didn't want to see me in trouble for only doing what he asked. She told me that she had spoken to my boss and that I had did the right thing as we are all there to help out with any of requests of the stars. So our discussion, we talked about a ton of things, he mainly wanted to know about me, what I did, where I went to school, what I did for fun, what sports I played. Certain parts he would ask for more in depth info about. Interesting thing is, some of the things we talked about became part of his show that night. Sort of like he could connect with a crowd that could relate to some of what I had brought up, hockey, curling, the local University, etc. Towards the end of our conversation was the only time that I felt an uncomfortable feeling with. We talked about him and the Cosby Show which was in it's last season I believe. He asked about if I watched the Cosby show, and if I still did. He stopped me before I answered and said he might ask me for some more information, but to be 100% honest with him, he wanted to know my true feelings about the TV show, not necessarily himself. I admitted that for many years his show was something that brought all of our family together and it was something that we all watched as a family religiously every week, together while watching on the same TV in the same room. He asked about my favourite shows, my favourite characters, my favourite lines (one which he was having a serious discussion with his son and said 'Theo, I brought you into this world and I will be the one to take you out of it ). Then the uncomfortable question, do you still watch it every week, where I had to honestly admit that it wasn't the top show on my watching list. The logical question which was really really really hard, why not? I decided that I trusted this man that I was talking to and decided to be honest with him. I told him that for years that I watched the Cosby show for being the funniest sitcom on TV and it was a great show to talk about with everyone else the next day. It was a basically funny! Even the serious shows still had the comedy that lightened the mood while still getting the message across. What had changed? In the year I found the show much less funny and seemed to have shifted more to a black rights focus and I missed the comedy. Bill listened to me explain the reasons, and when I was done, thanked me for my honesty. He said it was interesting to him that I used the term 'black rights' where if he asked ask the same question down in the States someone would have called it 'African American Rights' but he didn't find it offensive or derogatory in any way. He said to him black and African American was synonyms (I remember that word ) and one wasn't better than another' He explained his feelings on what he continued to call black rights. He also said that the producers of the show and him had discussed long and hard about the direction of the show before they choose that direction. Saying he didn't regret making that decision, but he also realized that I was one of the millions that maybe felt the same way and the ratings had dropped off. Lastly, he thanked me for my honesty and also to not think that in any way my feelings made me less of a person in his mind as probably himself, if he was a viewer, was coming for the comedy and message, then he himself would probably change the channel if the show went in a strange tangent after so many years. He shook my hand, thanked me again, and said he had to go get ready for the show. I watched the whole show and picked up on the references that he had pulled out of our conversation and made part of the show. At the end, while receiving a standing ovation, he bowed to all four sides of the seating bowl to the sold out crowd. Then he went to the point of the stage where he was closest to where I was and pointed at me and winked and gave a thumbs up to me. Probably nobody knew what he was doing, maybe I was wrong, but I do believe that was intended for me. I have never seen him or talked to him since, but it left an lasting impression with me. So, while all the controversy goes on today, I have questioned if this charming, funny, intriguing man could be also a rapist? I will not accuse the women of lying, but I also won't accept their story as gospel either. I will continue to hold this man in high regard for my one hour that I had of his time. I will continue hold out hope that this accusation are false, but also realize that if are proven in a court of law than I may have to change my feeling about this man. I guess what I'm saying is that a lot of people who have never met Bill Cosby are making judgements about him based on the word of people that they have never met either. I am going to weigh more into what I 'personally' know about the man than the people I have never met. Therefore, like I would want to happen to myself, if I ever found myself in similar situation, I will treat him innocent until proven guilty.