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Billy Martin

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Life's curves

 

I don't know, I get so confused sometimes. I listen to people talk, read stories (fiction, i know) and like all stories there's usually a grain of truth in them. They do came from someone's experiences. Like it's been said, there's nothing new under the sun.

 

Years ago I admitted to a friend that being gay scared me not because of what other people thought, since I had been through so much already by the age of 27 to worry with opinions not my own. It scared me because I never saw any older gay couples and I didn't want to die alone.

 

I think the fear of dying alone made me reach out through the internet to feel close to more people since I was limited at home. Through all the chemo, radiation, and other crap I had to deal with, I was always scared of dying alone. I mean I knew my parents would always be there for me, but I mean that someone, that special someone.

 

Yet the more I learn about life, the more I feel alone. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm not in remission yet, but I should be soon. So, I guess I'm getting better. There's still the bone marrow transplant donor to find and do. But, things are looking better again. Yet, I also see now that I missed out on so much as a teenager.

 

I think I would trade my life today to have had a normal life as a teenager. Making all the mistakes and finding the new experiences. I guess I'm making a fool of myself. Tonight I set up most of the night reading a long story on nifty and envied the characters, even the sad ones. At least they got to experience life. I guess after so many years of battling my battles, I'm starting to become a little bitter over it.

 

I do treasure my online friends, even some of the old guys that pretended to be teens before they either literally died from old age or disappeared. Life isn't always fair, in fact, it rarely is. But, I have to have the hope and belief that if you pour yourself into life, in the long run, it's all worth it. I am however real enough to know that's not always true. And it saddens me to see people have to deal with the worst life can throw at you. I wish the world wasn't like that. And like I said earlier, I dunno why I'm writing this, but here it is, raw, unedited me.

 

Please, if you feel you can't take anymore, it will get better. There's nothing life can throw at us that we can't over come or find a way around it, it will get better. Nothing last forever, including the bad times, it will get better. Reach out to someone, talk to someone, share your feelings, it will get better. Never ever give up, it will get better. There are organizations that are there to help us through the bad times, it will get better. The Trevor Project is just one of those, reach out to them, support their work, it will get better.

 

The Trevor Project

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All of life is experience, hun. Just because yours are different to many others doesn't make them less so. You can always go back and do the teen things but not many teens can ever have the experiences you have had; the good and the bad.

 

There are plenty of older gay couples out there. There is a group on facebook. Stamp Out Homophobia on The Net. They have albums of the weddings of members. They are all ages, all sizes, all colours and all very happy. Maybe you should take a look because love can come from anywhere, at any time. It is never too early; never too late.

 

Keep smiling.

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You should have faith in your future. We are never alone. Even someone alone in his real life can make a lot of friends, just by imagining them in his dreams.

 

Try active imagination ( see en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_imagination).

 

Active Imagination is a concept developed by Carl Jung between 1913 and 1916. It is a meditation technique wherein the contents of one's unconscious are translated into images, narrative or personified as separate entities.

 

Each time I have problems with myself or difficulties which I dont know how to solve, I lock myself in my room, I sit in my armchair, I close my eyes and I imagine myself in a pleasant environment, about to wait for someone who could help me out of my difficulties.

 

Sometimes no one comes, sometimes I find an imaginary friend to talk with. Believe me, it works. Try It and tell me what you think about it.

 

Good luck in your search for an unknown friend !

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