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Yesterday was a fruitful day for me. It was a time of reflection (so reflective, I was soaked in my own thought and forgot to bring my tripod... to a night photography session). Everyone has heard of the saying "pen is mightier than sword." And throughout the history we have witness that effect: how Jane Austen redefined marriage as a function of love (rather than a function of family duty), Charles Dickens showed the uglier side of Industrial Revolution (and none of the revolution fought with weapons redefined humanity more than IR), John Locke's words take the world into the Age of Revolution, and Karl Marx advised government to take active role in welfare for its own people. (I was going to add Adam Smith and his Wealth of the Nations, but ironically, we live in a capitalistic society but not many realized Smith also talked about government's role and it's very different from what people think of capitalism today, so I leave it out.... Maybe Smith's pen is less powerful...) But moral has always been a tricky issue in contemporary literature. Ever since circa 1950's and 1960's, the literary movement derailed from the moralistic model and to the one that's more amoral and more experimental in structure. Whether that's an effect of WWII, Rock 'n Roll, or Beat Generation, or a combination of those, I don't know. All I could observe is, the society has already crossed the border from that of an amoral society to the one that's immoral. If I have the endeavor to become an intellectual (which I do, to honor a legacy of an online friend), I have to exhibit not only knowledge, but also be a role model of the society, which includes, but not exclusive to, being a moral compass (and I am doing it with the secular/non-religious/intellectual method). How do I do that in a society which morality is an unpopular subject? (certainly less popular than money *tongue in cheek*) To me..., back in the days, the consciousness of using fiction as the medium of delivering moral started when I was reflecting on my own reading of Albert Camus's The Plague. We live in a society where it is extremely unpopular to tell people what to think, because here in Western society we value freedom above everything else (i.e., give me freedom or give me death). Nobody likes preachers. In fact, as part of modern literary movement, we go as far as refrain using italicized text or any emphasis method which is offensive to reader's intelligence (though use it judiciously can be effective, though more often used in exposition/editorial rather than fiction). And using allegory/allusion/humor/satire as a way of delivery the pesky topic of moral (I refrain from doing it, but sometimes it is necessary) has been my choice since. (btw, if you have a better way that's more diplomatic, please let me know, because so far I have been failed miserably as an intellectual) Camus also wrote many essays on top of his fiction career. Though this blog is also one of such that try to advocate certain view point; however, this form of advocacy is somewhat archaic and proven to be less effective in today's highly educated society. The essay form of advocacy has the pro of being direct, but also the con of backlash from opponents, and can easily be dismissed as being subjective (because it is subjective..., given its editorial nature). I, personally, advise against using essay form of advocacy except for political campaign, but that's just my opinion. I am risking myself sounding like a preacher for the sake of efficacy, and I have very little time to embed all these ideas gracefully into a story, so here they are..., very directly argued rather than being literary and diplomatically delivered. Though I am not religious, but think about it, many founders of religions used allegories as way of delivering teaching of the way, rather than pedagogy. Native Americans also taught people the way through storytelling oral tradition. And I encourage everyone to consider that, as writers, we have duty to our society, because we are given a weapon much more powerful than a sword. Remember it wasn't the existence of WMD that started the last Iraqi war.... It's a speculation of the existence of WMD that started it. Hitler waged a war against the world by manipulating patriotism of his own people. A sword only kills one at a time, but words can kill much more, effect much more enduring and detrimental. But words can also create positive effect and enlighten people. Choose words wisely. And think about how popular media shape the society today.... I had a debate with the late online friend aforementioned, whether sit-com is based on real American way of life or not. His rebuttal was the sit-com was just BS (he was very American). But being a younger generation than he was, I saw the transformation of this society that mimics the sit-com way of life with my own eyes. And since many sit-coms are set in New York, written by mostly contemporary Jewish Americans (as oppose to traditional Jewish, as they have very different modes of life), how many of us non-New Yorkers are already assimilated with New Yorker's way through the work of invisible hands? Does life mimic fiction or does fiction mimic life? Don't you guys think media is greatly responsible for the acceptance of homosexuality through popular media? Given I already talked about the power, it's only right that I also talk about the responsibility of the writer. The effect of second coming of yellow journalism is just as detrimental as the first time around, except this time we have the Internet.... I should also forewarn the the potential danger of cultural imperialism, which is a related to ethnocentrism, which is responsible for many wars throughout history. With the advocacy of anthropologists of its destructive nature to other cultures around the world, it is usually part of the American college curriculum to include cultural awareness. I was taught to consider point of views that encourage pluralistic way of thinking (as oppose to ethnocentric way). Given our society values freedom above all else (though at times I want to say money...), it is only democratic every culture can have its voice. One would expect cultural imperialism really should be bygone history with the formation of the Common Wealth... (though the Common Wealth was formed through practicality, but one should at least thank the Queen for at least considering from the humanistic point of view) I do not expect a moral renaissance with this essay, but I'll end this tirade with a quote: "The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything."

What is on your mind when you think of the word "great?" Which story do you consider a classic? Who is your most admired person? Where do you go to get inspired? When does a moment become experience? How do you advance a civilization into the golden age? * * * This world is endowed with many great things. Some are eminent, some are waiting to be discovered; some will become a memory, some will never extinct despite of deliberate neglect and distortion. They all deserve to be cherished and preserved. * * * Can you put a price on... ...freedom? ...the feeling of falling in love for the first time? ...safety and feeling alive? ...respect and compassion? We have an unprecedented number of homelessness. Everyday I ride on a train, I can see encampments so great, that some portable toilets are placed around them, which I assume is to maintain public health for all the surrounding community. On another day, I went to a flea market. Being educated in healthcare for a couple of years, I cannot help but think we might have an outbreak of weird diseases due to the near proximity of homeless camps and squirrel population. (Please do not feed wild animals as some bacteria unique to them will crossbreed with bacteria unique to human, and these hybrid bacteria will infect both species.... We may or may not have the capability to control the mutated bacteria) All we hear on the news nowadays are bunch of big babies attacking each other over some petty issues, ignoring human conditions. * * * Why nobody ever tries to find out why more mass shootings happening nowadays? It always turns into a political drama rather than addressing the most fundamental issue. This is people's lives we're talking about, not an opportunity to further one's political career. I still remember the days when school taught students pipe bombs (though I never learned), but nobody ever seriously contemplating using it to harm others. Now no school teaches that chemistry and yet more people died from violence. What happened? I still remember the days when people can freely go into airports and museums without needing to go through security gates. Why is my personal freedom and happiness compromised because of a minor chance of threat. The security measure is not even effective guarding against people who have no regard of the laws anyways. I still remember the days the Internet was used to increase people's IQ by exposing to differences rather than reinforcing one's limited perception. It used to be an Utopia of tolerance, a haven of self-regulation, a pool of endless knowledge. Why is it used to propagate greed and misinformation nowadays? Isn't the fact-based journalism the propeller of democracy? Didn't Jefferson want to be remembered to be the Father of Virginity University because educated people are the core of democracy? Doesn't George Washington's Farewell Address warn: "[Geographic politics] agitates the community with ill-founded jealousies and false alarms, kindles the animosity of one part against another, foments occasionally riot and insurrection. It opens the door to foreign influence and corruption, which finds a facilitated access to the government itself through the channels of party passions"? * * * Today after work I went to buy some tapioca tea. There was some misunderstanding between the cashier and the customer before me, so the order was not placed correctly. The prior customer basically suggested he had the power to recommend more corporate customers only if the store would simply replace his new order for free. The small shop owner with her limited English skill couldn't understand what daft-dressing guy was trying to suggest, so she offered 50 cents extra for the replaced drink, because cashier/server charged him only for the regular tea rather than milk tea, and served him according to the wrong order. Given I worked in food industry before (among many odd jobs I had held), I knew it's a big loss for the shop because it's not a simple adding milk to the tea issue. The store needs to throw away the original order due to health code, irregardless whether the drink was consumed or not. The shop keeper insisted on quality didn't help either, but she eventually agreed to just add milk to the order for free instead of remake the whole order to satisfy the customer. I have seen many of such disputes before. It is not limited to restaurant order, or language barrier issue. Don't know whether it's because their perceived financial standing or their education level, people are getting less humble. Most people don't realized outside of their career specialization, they actually know extremely little how the entire world functions. In this case, the customer before me did not realize it is a health code that the shop cannot serve tampered food. Everything in life is simple; even the simplest thing is difficult. What that quote (which I thought was attributed to Nietzsche, but I can't find it) means to me is one has to be humble, and be respect of people of all trades. Everyone is an expert of something, disregard of our social standing or the wage we're paid for our work. If this were the old California I knew back in the 90's, people would be more graceful and asked why 50 cents is charged, rather than immediately pull the consumer/corporate pressure card without actually asking a probing question. Because that customer might have learned something about the food industry. Instead, he sounded like a crude and tactless person dressed in sharp suit. Our California value of tolerance and acceptance is dying everyday, and it's such a sad sight to see. I wished my brain could be faster, and paid the 50 cents extra for the agitated customer and everyone would be happy. Though when the shopkeeper apologized to me profusely because she was busy making the replacement order for that customer (who was not even there when she finished the order because he just had to answer a phone...), I simply told her to take her time. I know how little gesture like this means a lot when you're working very hard for very little money. Besides, I was late for my train anyways, so time wasn't that important to me at that point, but it'll brighten up her day. I wish I have made the point clear enough. Great, despite current events might have you believed, is not based on selfish interests. We can actually make the world great again, no matter how small or insignificant the contribution might see at first. Be gracious of others, be respectful of nature, and treasure every moment we share. The world doesn't need to be shallow and petty. There can be a lot of beauty and greatness if we tried.

Wow. Earlier today I posted chapter 18 of The Last Out, which is amazingly the final chapter of the story I've spun around Devin and Alex. I'm writing this and it feels surreal to me to have finished it (again, actually) and to have it published on a site like Gay Authors. I can't help but think 'what a strange, magical journey this story and I have gone on together'. The Last Out was never meant to be published. Not originally anyways. This was meant to be a guilty pleasure and escape, something I wrote to make sure I didn't lose my sanity during a stressful period in my life. I never thought it would be anything other than a piece of erotica, but somewhere along the way I melded it and molded it into something more than that. It became more than smut and as it did so, the characters became more than constructs to me, they became real, with real lives and real frustrations and real joy, and sometimes even real pain as I wrote and built up the people I'd created in my mind. I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel right now. I'm relieved to have finished it and put it all out there for people to read, but I'm also sad, knowing that it's now here and this vehicle I've created to tell stories isn't as open to me anymore. It'll live like this forever, and it's sort of like letting go of someone you cherish to do so. I wish there was more I could do with the story, or that I could go back and add to chapters wholesale, but its too late for that anyway. I read somewhere that any piece of art requires two people to create it; one to create the piece, and one to stop the creator from continually fiddling with it. I suppose that's true, since I'm continually thinking of how I would change certain things. I'm glad I did it. This gave me a chance to explore certain sides of myself that I didn't think I could. This won't be the last you hear of me, and it won't be the last you read about Devin and Alex.

sometimes, words come in the quiet in the quiet i can hear my thoughts i can hear the dogs breathe, my own breathing slows, becomes deeper the sound of the fans, the house settling the small, simple sounds of the clock ticking the squirrels running on the roof in the quiet i remember i remember bad decisions and good ones the stories from years past roll like movies through my memory when life was slower, less urgent in the quiet i wonder i wonder about her, is she really doing well or just saying what she thinks i want to hear? how are you? really? is his heartbreak going to heal? will we be able to retire? in the quiet i also find calm no one's asking for anything, needing anything i can just be process the memories, work through the doubts, recall the love in the quiet i can hear your voice, your calming words see your face, find peace i can move beyond the past, put it away think about the future in the quiet i can start over be renewed i know we're all busy, so thanks for taking the time to read

Recent events have had me thinking about a lot of things lately. One thing is what lead me to this site. A little over 6 years ago (tax day 2006) I decided to follow the link to the site from Nifty. The link was at the bottom of my favorite story from author Vance aka Vlista20. When I joined the site I didn't know what to expect, nor did I think I would find some many different stories. I eventually branched out and found some really cool stories to follow and authors. I eventually became a Domaholic among other things. I pretty much have been a lurker for a majority of the 6 plus years commenting here and there on stories and some forms. Mostly remaining quite and staying in the shadows which I am good at. I have interacted in posts and some message with a small variety of people. Mike aka Meeko was one of the firsts contacts and it's gone on from there. More recently I've had interaction with Ashi, He is a really positive person and I hope I can use some of the positivity he has provided. (I had to word this carefully because what I was thinking sounded dirty even through it wasn't ) More recently in my personal life I've felt alone. I've never really gotten along with my 4 siblings and I do have a decent relationship with my parents, but since they have to worry about everyone else its been worse. Let's just say.... people call me the normal one. I don't have many friends... more of acquaintances. A majority of them I worked with at some point in time or currently work with them. I do have to say that work friends can be worse because all you do is talk about work, which can be boring. One person I used to consider my BFF, who I've known for 19 years, recently has drifted away. Our friendship became mostly one sided with me doing a lot of the work. I kind of miss hanging out with him but he's always busy or just can't commit to a time to meet up. Last year he kept pushing out the date we could hang out back. It went from October to November to December and finally in January he was available. We didn't have much of a conversation then because he was too engrossed in his phone (all ways has been). The only thing I think I will miss is some of the stories from his parents. His dad is a PH. D (real rocket scientist works for NASA and another government agency) and his mom has multiple Master's degrees in languages and library science ( she translates books for the Library of Congress). I mention this because they are a real smart group of people but did one stupid thing that always makes me laugh. They vacuum sealed their bread and could not figure out why it became so flat. I've had a bit of a hard time letting go..... I had this dream job with a really great company fall through because the hiring manager couldn't make up his mind and they weren't sure where the job would be located. Worse case scenario it would have been between 2 locations both, which were an hour and fifteen minutes apart, but one was 15 minutes from my house. I didn't care about the commute and did express I was open to commuting. The recruiter wanted me to apply for the position down in Glendale, AZ. I did apply for it and I am waiting to hear. I initially came to this site many moons ago as a reader, now its more of a refuge where I can come to hang out with judgement. I am on the site daily but mostly anonymously to read and browse the forums and blogs. It is also a place where I can voice my thoughts and feelings without family becoming nosy and asking questions. Right now I am just trying to find my place in the world and thanks for allowing me to vent.