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While I've done my best to be as transparent as I possibly can with all of you. I can't honestly sit here and say that I haven't been lying to myself, because with every alarm that’s to wake me for the beginning of the day, I proclaim: Today will be the day I don't get alcohol, I swear to God, and by all that is good and Holy, I MEAN IT! Then as my work day comes to a close.... All I want is that one sip, that luscious taste hitting my tongue. The sweet bitter goo going down my throat, and I must say, now that I'm here, I never thought I'd become addicted to this ball of sludge. And really, that's what it is. My father struggled with this, but he'd never care to admit it, but he followed in his own father’s footsteps as well. This has been a generational curse that has consumed at least half of my family. I honestly thought I was stronger than them, that I'd never go down this road to alcoholism. Over these many months it has robbed me of everything I’ve held so dear, and I have no one to blame but myself. This has, at least in my eyes, taken many things away from me, such as, my ability to write, as I’m sure is blatantly obvious. I’ve also robbed my readership of that consistency as well, and for that I’m ever sorry. Even as I sit here in this present moment in time, and for once, I didn’t get anything to shove down my throat until it knocks me out for the night. I can honestly say that I still have the urge to have a drink. It’s a constant reminder even when I put up my fists and say, ‘NOT TODAY DAMNIT!’ I wholeheartedly want this cycle to end, truly and honestly. I know it would be easier to take that drink, I know this. But as this psychological warfare continues, I grow ever weaker. Today, or should I say, another attempt, is my first day without a drink. Yes, I’ve said this many times now, it’s a constant struggle and yet, here I stand again, trying to be transparent and hope that this time, yes this time, will be the last. I can only hope and pray.

So, i have been home since March 16, 2020. I think working from home, really brought home to me really how serious this virus is. Yes, i'd read about it and all the deaths in China. Read about people trying to get back to Canada and people stuck on cruise ships. But the Bank doing this huge about face and letting us work from home, really made it real. The first few weeks i really struggled. i felt lost and afraid. i could feel it in my back and shoulders, in my chest. It felt like someone was standing on it. I became borderline obsessive reading the online news over and over. i would read stories of people who had suffered through this and told their stories. Stories of surviving it, of losing people who had been young and healthy. i was absolutely terrified. Michael knew of course, and did His best to calm me. He protects me the best that He can. Friends did the same. I began, at a friend's urging, to try yoga. I have issues with my joints so i found a short yoga program designed for seniors. No kneeling, and it was short; 7 minutes. Frankly i am amazed at just how much doing that short routine has helped me. I feel calmer, and more centered. I no longer feel trapped. If you are feeling alone and afraid, do something. Here is the link to the little yoga program i do. I also like this place. https://www.yogajournal.com/videos/joint-freeing-series I am no yoga master and i do not think i ever will be, but these short times i spend on myself right now are huge, even with the small investment of time. It somehow makes me aware of myself and the inner strength i truly do have. Spend a bit of time on you, try it, allow it. I think you will feel better. Hang in there. We can get through this ... reach out and talk. You are welcome to join us in the Drop in Centre anytime.