You're wrong James, you're not disposable. At least at GA I don't know ANYBODY that could substitute you and GA without you wouldn't be the same any more. I love your sense of humor and your sarcastic threads/posts. So as for me, you're not disposable!

To be a kid and left hung out to dry is the worst thing of all. You don't even know who you are yet let along how to cope with such an ADULT situation. People who do that kind of thing to a kid should (as my father used to say) be horse whipped It's an appropriate phrase in this case.

But I've been reading your writings... and your rants and all your other stuff for many years now James and your a good man... that I know as a fact. Your heart's in the right place... that's the most important. Like most of us you've been beat, kicked, and punched... and in your case, I know that's not just a metaphor. You've struggled with lots of stuff, but your still standing... and by damn that's something that they can never take away from you. Those who wished you ill, those who wished you down didn't win. Your still on your feet thumbing your nose at them...

It always breaks my heart when I think of your case. I too was outed at an early age... 14, but the difference is I was outed with my BF and while I was ready to crumble... and I was... he made up his mind he wasn't going to let them win. I owe who I am today to him, he proved a love beyond compare... I miss him every day...

But hey I'm always looking for a good Ghroum to watch my back... that's why I put them in charge of Charlie... don't forget your the BEST!

James, dont be so sad. I quite unterstand what you went through (your story explain it) but if you think you are disposable, then we are all also.

When you will be at the end of your life, as I am (You will be 45 in July, isn't it, that means that you have at least 40 years to enjoy), you will understand that the real meaning of the word "disposable" is "ready to die".Wichever your faith, your friends, even your love, you will leave it and disappear, as so many did and will do.

As Bobby McFerrin said :

"Here's a little song I wrote

You might want to sing it note for note

Don't worry, be happy

In every life we have some trouble

When you worry you make it double

Don't worry, be happy

Don't worry, be happy now"

You're great to me. Always thought so. Will continue to think so.

Half the time I don't agree with you, and I still love you. Then again, I'm too old for you. You only like 19 year old redheads.

Hi James.

I decided a long time ago that I was no damned good.

Please rethink your decision. It is entirely your choice to feel this way about yourself, and you know damned well you can change this anytime you want. If this is your particular pool of mud, so be it. But I disagree. I think you're plenty good.

I got all sorts of messages growing up that told me so

Shake it off, James, it's history. Let it go. What you were then is not what you are now. There is no excuse for letting the past dictate your future.

My parents were some seriously f**ked up people, one of whom had the audacity to up and die on me when I was nine. There are long stretches of my life that literally read like a nifty archive cliche story. Badly outed when young. Picked on nerd. Unrequited crushes. Getting beat up. Etc. Etc. Etc.

It took a lot of time, but I got past it, and I've now created my own version of f**ked up that doesn't have anything to do with those people or that time, it's all my doing. You too can have this kind of independence and freedom.

First and foremost was the way that I was treated by people that I thought were my friends.

If these people are no longer around, then they no longer have any power over you unless you give it to them. They are ghosts. You are letting yourself be dictated to by ghosts. At least two decades have now gone by and you're still blaming people that have probably LONG forgotten you.

Most important life lesson I ever had: figuring out that people have their own crap to deal with, and usually when someone shits on me, it has NOTHING to do with me at all, I'm just usually standing where they want to pile it.

You put a lot of emphasis on not letting others control you or put you in a position to get hurt. Yet you cling to people and situations that, for all intents and purposes, don't exist anymore. This does not make sense.

You have friends here. They're right in front of you. I don't see anyone here judging you or screwing you over. Lean on them. They may not be in your uh, meatspace, but go to Las Vegas and meet a few.

So maybe you have to relearn lots of things, maybe you need to learn how to be friends with people. That's okay, there's time to learn. Yeah, it's a bitch, but you're not old and dusty. You're scary smart, funny, direct and brutally honest. You are the type that would have your friends backs, no matter what (and whether you'd admit it or not). Those really are appealing qualities in a friend. I'd be honored to count you as a friend whether we ever meet in real life or not.

So, yeah, disposable? Nope. Not even close.

You only like 19 year old redheads.

and who doesn't (that's not lying their ASS off)?

But.. it's not true. I'm nice to kids but I don't chase 'em.

The guy I've been seeing lately is my age.

WAIT A MINUTE...you're seeing someone? Now surely that's worth a blog entry? And surely he doesn't think you're disposable.

People who really care and love you don't cut themselves off from their loved ones, for any reason. It must be a terrible feeling, something that makes me feel sad just reading it, but good riddance. If they don't like you, I don't like them.

Besides, I don't have have to share you.

I've never been real good at cutting someone off completely. It happened to me once when I was 15, and even then, I knew it wasn't me, it was her and she did it because she was selfish and jealous and probably hurt. That didn't make it any easier when something you've grown up with, that is a big piece of your life just disappears. It's not even like they died, cause you still see them every day, but maybe that's worse. The thing is, she made that choice, just like those kids made their choice when it came to you, and I think that your perspective is a little backwards.

Perhaps, it's them who are the disposable ones. Even without them, you went on, you made yourself into this good, smart, caring, successful man and that means something.

Often, as a kid, and I see it every day in adults still, you do what you're told, or worse, what you're frightened into doing. People don't think for themselves, and they let their fear make the wrong decisions for them.

A lot of time I feel like being right, or doing the right thing, and being alone is better than being surrounded by the weak and the ignorant. It's hard to put that expectation on a kid who's being told that it's wrong and that God says so, and probably a hundred other worse things, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when the people you called friends and invested emotion in just walk away from you.

I guess what I'm saying is that being who you are and going through the things you have means that you're strong. It means you're not disposable at all because you're rare. The world we live in is full of people who don't ever think for themselves or fight for what they know to be right because it doesn't affect them. This world, the one you and I exist in together, the one my kids are growing up in, needs you as an example and an advisor. You were already an example to those kids that walked away from you a lifetime ago, and it's very likely that the ones that you loved, loved you back and think about you and the friend they missed out on. It was likely just as much a lesson for them as it was for you. Just a different side of the same coin. It's all about perspective.

and who doesn't (that's not lying their ASS off)?

 

But.. it's not true. I'm nice to kids but I don't chase 'em.

 

The guy I've been seeing lately is my age.

So how old is he?