Ok so today I was freakishly happy all day. I'm usually a pretty upbeat person, but today was just plain crazy (in a good way obviously). I mean I literally had to stop myself from grinning at people all day. And several times during the day I'd just be having a regular conversation with someone and feel like this wonderful flood of positive emotions. What's the reason for all this you may ask. That's just it, there really isn't one. I mean yeah I think I've got a pretty good life, and lots of reasons to be happy overall. But specifically nothing happened, especially today, that would cause such elation. SO I'm thinking it's gotta be some kinda nice hormonal imbalance. Like the ones that cause depression only in reverse.....Yeah I guess I'm like being flooded with dopamine and serotonin. Whatever, I'm just going to enjoy it while I've got it and hope it doesn't go away too soon (LOL of course EVER would be too soon)!

LOL OK story time: The last time I felt like this was a couple of months ago, but there was an actual reason for that. See I'd finally decided to go out to some gay clubs the night before. I still didn't have the nerve to do it, in my own city (I mean basically I'm planning to move in May anyway, and I've pretty much decided I don't feel like going through all the drama that comes with "coming out". So I'll just start out "out" whever I move to. And while it may sound really selfish and self-serving, and I guess to some degree it is, I also don't want to put all my friends and co-workers through it. I mean it's just alot for them to deal with, and if I'll be out of MOST of their lives soon anyway, why make them deal with it? The ones I stay close with and still talk to and stuff, I will eventually tell....anyway). SO I went out in another city and had an awesome time. Ok actually not really. I got lost like 6 times looking for the place, and once I finally found it, I wasn't really interested in anyone there. The good time part was that without doing anything but standing there looking available I kept getting hit on. One guy came up and talked to me for awhile and then was like "here why don't I give you my number"....another drunk, really pushy guy, just came up and offered me a blow job. it's not easy to politely turn those down either, "um, no thanks, but thanks anyway" just doesn't seem to work, I finally got away from him by being honest and saying I just wasn't looking for anything casual. And this other guy came up and asked me to dance, then tried to buy me a drink (I wasn't drinking since I had to drive)...Anyway so even though I didn't actually meet "Mr. Right" it was still a nice little ego booster, and the whole next day I was all smiley and giggly. But of course that HAD a reason, this didn't.

Of course being rediculously over-analytical, and a psyc. major, I can't help wondering if there's going to be a downside. I mean highs end right? The closest I could come up with is Bipolar disorder, but it doesn't really fit. I'm not exactly manic,,,,,I mean maybe a little, but I'm mostly able to control myself if I want, and it's definitely NOT interferring with my life. Also I don't feel invulnerable or anything. Of course this is nothing new, I get these little bouts of random happiness periodically. and so far I haven't experienced any real depression. Except for once two years ago in February.

That was a really rough period, I think it definitely did meet the criteria for depression in every regard except duration. Technically it needs to last for at least two weeks, and mine probably only lasted about a week and a half tops. It was pretty rough though, I literally cried myself to sleep several of those nights, and in general I got really sullen and apathetic. Also just like the opposite of today instead of little waves of euphorea I was gettin hit by little waves of like emotional pain, I mean it really felt like it HURT. Similarly with regards to today's pleasent waves of goodness all I've been able to come up with as a comparison is,,,well an orgasm . I mean it didn't PHYSICALLY feel like one, but it had the same emotional/psychological feel to it, just a great big "Ah". Anyway I am of course not worried about it. I'm SURE I have abnormal psychological stuff (I'll go into that later), but I've pretty much always been sure of that, I've also pretty much always enjoyed it, so no way I'm stopping now lol. So it's probably safe to assume that while this great feeling will go away, it probably won't be replaced by something agonizing.

Also on the issue of the depression a couple of years ago. While it sucked big time then, looking back I think it was a really good thing for me to go through. I mean basically I WANT to know what it feels like. I want to be able to really understand and empathize with people who are depressed. I still doubt mine was very severe (and believe me it was severe enough and now that I've done it I don't want to do it again), but at least it gave me a hint of what it's like to be unhappy. That's really an important part of being a human being, understanding all the basic human emotions. I mean I was planning to be a psychologist, so of course I need to know what depression is like, but that's a useful thing to know if you're going to be a writer too (my new aspiration), or just an emotionally in tune person. Oh yeah if anyone's wondering about the specifics. I think it was mostly triggered by feelings of loneliness and isolation. Ostensibly I guess you could say it was caused by the immanent Valentine's day, but really that just put a face on it. How did I finally "beat it"? I made myself dress up and look as nice as possible. Then I took myself out to dinner and shopping. ALONE just me! Kinda to prove to myself that I didn't NEED anyone (of course I really do, in the same way we all do, but I can handle being by myself pretty well). And yeah as shallow as it sounds I think the pure indulgence, and materialism cheered me right up.

On a side note, I wonder if the reason they call homosexual people "gay" is because we're happier than most people? I mean probably not considering the higher suicide rates and all the other problems that often plague gay people. But maybe there's some sort of correlation between people being gay and also being really exuberant. My theory is, gay people feel freer and less constrained and are thus able to comfortably manifest their vivacious tendencies. Whereas straight people, especially guys, might be like "naw, if I get that loud and giddy everyone will think I'm "gay" ". Oh well right now I'm gay in every sense of the word and enjoying it very much. LOL I REFUSE to curb my enthusiasm

Anyway I just got a call from a friend of mine, she's planning to rewire a lamp and was wondering if I wanted to help. So I'm going to go over there in a bit. I can't wait! (lol and there's no hint of sarcasm there at all, I really think it'll be fun).

Just wanted to leave with a suggestion of two very good songs. "No such thing" by John Mayer. Favorite lines: "I wanna run through the halls of my high school, I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just some lie you've got to rise above."

Other really good song, "Like Humans Do" by David Byrne. Favore line: "Wiggle while you work

Anybody can". Sorry I made this post so long, lol once ya get me started...... Take care all and have a FANTASTIC day!