I received my disability award from the Veterans Administration the other day. A month and a half ago they awarded me 40 percent for my crotchety knees. Now they awarded an additional 50 percent for the bipolar and 30 percent for what is called individual unemployability. In other words, I’m 100 percent disabled due to the bipolar, the knee problems, and individual unemployability.

The individual unemployability is the important facet of the equation. They went to great lengths to explain my situation in the unclearest bureaucratese they could come up with. It got so bad, I actually believed one sentence that said I was not 70 percent on the bipolar, but four pages later, they said I was. Maybe they were talking about the combination of the bipolar and the knee problems being 70 percent. They never got around to specifically saying individual unemployability equaled 30 percent. Or maybe it’s 50 percent for the bipolar, 40 percent for the knees, and 10 percent for individual unemployability.

I will let the bureaucrats have their way with me and reap the rewards, which, while not substantial, are sufficient for me to live comfortably for four years until I’m old enough to be eligible for Social Security.

Since they owed me back pay I received a tidy sum to get my savings in order for the move back home. I figured I’ll need at least a $20 thousand nest egg to take care of buying a car (cheap), deposit on an apartment, furniture, utensils, initial food necessities (e.g., spices, herbs, pasta, beans, etc.), and possibly either a cat or a small dog.

Cats are good because they leave you the shit alone or snuggle on their terms. If you end up with one that likes to play, you’re doing doubly good. Dogs are good because you can spoil them and teach them snuggling is the best way to love the human that brings treats and food into the house. Plus, you can go places with a dog that you can’t with a cat. Cats are bad because you have to clean out their toilet every morning. Dogs are bad because you have to follow them around the doggy green space to pick up their turds, which can be unpleasantly squishy at times.

The test of the true dog owner is cleaning up after a multitudinous event with lots of squishy to runny turds. Is it proper to take Fido out for his walk if you know the turds are not going to be firm and solid? Do you resort to a diaper until Fido is intestinally better?

Properly taught cats do not scratch furniture; though, it does help to buy furniture that is built to handle a scratch or two, coincidentally that's the kind of furniture I like.