I know this is kinda depressing, but I decided to write this here because it's my blog, and I feel like this is a good place to get things off of my mind that I don't feel comfortable talking about with too many other people.

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately, and it's kinda had me bummed out. I know that there's no way to go back in time or to bring her back, but I have so many questions that I know I can never get the answers to. It's like Rory in DD, but I wasn't ever lied to by my mom. I feel like Im being lied to by my dad, though. At least Im being kept in the dark about a lot of things......

My dad and I have been having this war for a long time about what kind of questions I should be able to ask and what's none of my business. I want to know as much as I can about his relationship with my mom, and what kind of couple they were. I talked to some of my family and they told me stuff like, They always fought really bad after I was born. Someone even told me that my mom stabbed my dad and that he broke her arm, but then they made up. The same person also told me that before I was born, they NEVER fought. But when I ask my dad about that stuff, he tells me to put it out of my head and that it's the past and that it's none of my concern.

So I feel terrible sometimes because I have no idea if I ruined my parents relationship or not. I'd at least like to know what kind of stuff we did as a family and whether or not my mom and dad would've gotten married if she wouldn't have died, but he doesn't even answer those questions for me.

The biggest thing for me is wondering what my mom would think of me today. Would she accept me for being gay? Would she be ashamed? Would she be proud? Would she like Taylor? Would she forbid us from dating? I don't even know if she was homophobic or not. My dad says all of that stuff is irrelelvant, but it hurts my feelings that he won't at least answer the questions about the two of them. He used to smoke a lot of weed when I was little. I wonder if she smoked it with him, or was she a drinker? I know she got good grades, but what kind of crowd did they hang out in?

The main thing I want to know is, Did I ruin their lives? Or maybe I should ask, Did I ruin their plans? I know they were together from the 7th grade until she died, so maybe they had plans for their lives and I came along and they had to change them and it drove them apart. I don't know.

Besides that, tomorrow is Taylors birthday He's a month and 8 days older than me, so he can't brag for too long. He's having a huge party at his house, and he invited like 45 people...we're gonna try to cram as many people in his pool as we can to see how much water we can knock out of it, like we did to my dads hot tub

Anyway, sorry for being such a downer......btw, to anyone who might be reading my story, chapter 41 is on it's way....but please, leave comments, good or bad...the good ones encourage me and the critism helps me improve

Nick