As many have noted, I do pretty well with my outlook, all things considered. And I do try - sometimes it is a little bit of a facade to get through the day, but overall I do try to look on the more positive side of things when possible. I mean, the alternatives are figure out a way to get through this or just give up - and I don't like the implications of that latter choice. There are too many things that I still want to do, places to see and most importantly, friends to spend more time with.

Still - I do go through bad days, where if it weren't for the girls (ie, my dogs), I wouldn't get out of bed at all. At least they force me into a bit of a routine as they need to get up to go to the bathroom and then have breakfast in the morning (and somehow "20 more minutes" doesn't translate into dog that easily). So they keep me at least from just staying curled in a ball when the pain or depression get bad. And right now, the depression is more of a little "d" variety - just spells of down moods rather than anything clinical currently. I've had the "D" variety - and if gets that bad, I'll talk to the doctor about going back on prozac and start going back to a therapist (both help me though I know it will vary with other people). Just so many stress factors and things that I have to deal with, that are causing my mood to flip all over the place.

The biggest one is when I physically feel great, and this past week, there were a couple of days when that happened, but not being able to go back to work, nor knowing when I'll be able to do so. I just got the letter two days ago that Social Security approved my claim for SSDI (disability insurance). When I first went on disability last March (3/1/13), it was because of the bone marrow transplant and the expectation was that I'd be able to go back to work around the end of the year. As that date approached and I was dealing with this relapse and the effects of the new chemo drug, my doctor's office submitted the amended paperwork to place me on permanent disability.

I'm not even fifty years old. But considering the way mantle cell lymphoma acts and the uncertainty of what I'm in for, it was the best way to handle this. If the chemo puts me into remission and I'm free of both the lymphoma as well as the chemo side-effects, then changing that designation and returning to work is an easy thing. I've already gone through two cycles/months of the Revlimid and yesterday started round 3. I have a PET Scan set up at the end of January so we can see how effective the Revlimid is working. If I do six rounds total (which for some reason, six seems to be the magic number of rounds of treatment), then I should be done by the end of April. Not too far away - assuming that the PET Scan and other tests show me going into remission by then. If the Revlimid doesn't do the trick, there is always the newer Ibrutinib to try.

So lots of hope and prospects. But I have to plan for the "what if's" too - like, what if I can't get back to work. Right now, money is ok, between disability and savings. If I work it out right, things will continue to be fine until summer but I am already planning that if I can't go back to work by June, then I have to put the house up for sale. I bought at the right time and when I sell, I'll get a good chunk of equity out of it, that I can use to either put a large down-payment on a much smaller/cheaper place, or just bank and rent a small dog-friendly place. Still, I love my house, so even considering the potential of having to sell is hard... well, frustrating.

I get frustrated that I can't do things I used to, I don't have the stamina that I "should". And frustrated that the chemo isn't working faster, isn't showing more immediate results. Frustrated that my leg gives out when I walk, or is really stiff when I first stand up after sitting for a while, and that makes my friends worry that I need help (or a wheelchair) - but it does loosen up after a bit as the leg warms up. Frustrated I can't do more for my girls - they should be getting daily (or more) walks instead of once or twice a week, when I can get someone to come over and give them a walk.

But all of those are just small little "meh"s... The real frustration, is not being able to go back to work. I feel so useless, both that I should be doing "more" with my days, but also I hear of things at work where I could be useful, but I'm on the sidelines just watching. Rationally, I know it is what I have to do and why I can't push myself and take the risk of making things worse. But knowing and feeling - well, that's just frustrating...